Getting My Son and Husband to Get Along

There is little to nothing you can do to make two adult men get along. This is extra unlikely given your husband's psychological conditions.

Your choice to back up your husband in treating your adult son like an errant child was wrong. In fact, your son could call the police and report theft of his vehicle. Trying to prevent him from attending school is abusive and controlling. You must return his vehicle immediately.

If your son was asking, I'd tell him to move out and that he should not be your caregiver any longer. He needs to put up boundaries with you and his dad and have more distance. Your home is not a healthy place for your son to be.

What you want and what is best for your child are not compatible things.

Why is this your job to fix it? Why are you still engaging in taking sides with a child who is an adult? Why are you withholding TV from an adult? That's a punishment you give a child. Taking a car away? That's appropriate for a teen who mouths off, not for an adult who has different opinions.

Evan needs to be independent since his father is mentally ill and not, apparently, in any sort of treatment, either with medications or therapy or both. I don't believe you that a grown man "ugly cries" - that makes no sense at all.

Evan should live in his own place or with his girlfriend, and you should seek counseling for yourself if your husband won't go, so you can learn to stop trying to control people who are intent on having no relationship. I cannot believe that no professionals and no pastors have told you this and I suspect you have an answer in mind and you're going to keep searching until you find someone who agrees with you. But, since your way isn't working, I fear you will continue to lose sleep because you won't listen to reality.

I'm sorry but I think it is best for Evan to leave home and stay away. I really tried to find something redeeming in your post regarding you and your husband's treatment of him, but I just couldn't. I would have suggested counseling until I got toward the end where you took away his car, won't drive him anywhere, and won't let him watch tv. You are telling us your son is terrified and ugly crying pretty much daily, and all you can say is how annoying it is? This seems unreal and I sincerely hope you are a troll.

S., your husband is a jerk. Your son is an adult who has no life because he's living his life to take care of you.

You need to figure out what you're going to do for the rest of your life. I assume you are disabled or he wouldn't need to take care of you and you would be in the living room with them and know what was going on in your home.

Evan needs a life. Stop stealing that from him. Let him go, if he was buying a vehicle from you based on his taking care of you or anything you need to just let him have it. Sounds like he was keeping his part of the deal up.

Your husband is mentally ill, if you want to stay with him then do so but have Evan come visit you when hubby isn't at home.

You have options. Tell your doc that you need help at home, a home health aide. A visiting nurse. Someone to help you bathe. You deserve to have someone that is there for you and that will not put up with your husband and will tell him that they are not there for him and they are under contract for specific tasks, and taking care of anything that is his is NOT one of the tasks they are contracted to do.

Please, find a life for yourself and get your son out of your home so he can live and start having a life.

I'd suggest family counseling but that only works if people want to admit they have a problem and want to do something about it.

I'm not buying this post for several reasons.
Why does your son - who is in med school - take care of you?
Why do you need taking care of?
Why doesn't your husband take care of you?
He's too severely OCD and anal to be a husband/father?

Med school doesn't leave time for sleep let alone taking care of anyone.
Crying - from someone you raised, is taking care of you and in med school - is ugly and annoying?

Apparently you managed to raise someone who is totally not like you or his father at all.
Maybe he was switched at birth.
Leaving home is his best option and good luck to him.
You and Hubby seem to deserve each other.

Oh yeah - and quit trolling and get a life.

Wow, you and your husband are very very disfunctional. Your son should move out...you both are too hurtful to him. No, your son should not carpool with his bully of a father. No, you should not take away his car or take away the TV...he is an ADULT. Your husband needs to stop being a jerk to him. He is allowed to have his own opinions and be his own person and he (your son) is just fine the way he is. Your husband sounds abusive to me. It's your husband who is the problem here. And you enable your husband and probably have all these years. I feel really bad for your son. I hope he can move out and make his own life and own family with people who respect him.

You AND your husband are jerks.
"evan doesn't do things correctly"
"Evan's lack of manliness"
"Evan ugly cries and you ask him to stop"
You took your husband's side and took his car BACK that he bought from you.

Poor Evan.
You all need counseling. I bet you are not finding the answer you want because people are telling you you are dysfunctional.
What a mess of a life you all of have created.

You will not get the answer you are looking for. You want to fix this and there is no way to do that. I sure hope Evan moves away from your abusive husband and establishes a life away from his father. It appears that you have chosen your suppressive husband over your son. You will have to live with that choice.

if you're not willing to get rid of your nasty abusive husband, what do you think could possibly fix this?

the car story is crazy making. your son bought the car, but you let your husband take it away?

you son takes care of you (and your husband doesn't, presumably) but you refuse to help him get where he needs to go, and try to force him to ride with his abusive father?

you put your kid in the middle of this hideous dysfunction and are 'annoyed' because he 'ugly cries'?

i hope evan gets far away, and then gets some professional help.
khairete
S.

Well I suppose your son will stop taking care of you (what does that even mean?) and hopefully get away from both you and his horrible unloving father. What a mess, I wish him well. Maybe his girlfriend's family will provide him with some mature and stable guidance.

I think Evan was wise to move out and that he should look for an apartment with friends and never move back in with you. I also think that you should give him his car that you stole from him (he bought it, so it is his and when you took it, you committed theft) and if you don't, Evan should call the police and report his car stolen. And if you need care because you can't care for yourself, you and your husband should hire someone.

ETA: I'm guessing that you edited your question quite a bit, because most of what Natalie refers to is no longer in the question. Just in case you change it again, here is the question when I read it:
So my son evan who is an adult and takes care of me , does not get along with his father my husband. My husband has never liked him much at all even when was small. Because Evan's whole personality and lack of manliness bothers him greatly. My husband has severe ocd and anal retentive disorder and everything has to be pitch perfect 100 percent of the time or he goes ballistic and Evan does not do things correctly.

My husband is very upset that Evan hates trump, is not religious and likes to watch things on tv and listen to music that my husband does not approve of. Evan is also very sarcastically funny which makes my husband see red. They have these loud arguments at night and I can't sleep. Evan said my husband is very abusive,and I have no idea what was going on and don't seem to care about him at all. My husband says Evan is crazy and making it all up. I just hate all the fighting and screaming and crying. Evan ugly cries a lot, I asked him to stop but he won't. Crying is the most annoying thing in the world to me.
I took my husband's side and let his father take his car he bought from us off of him and am refusing to take him to college or work( he is in medical school) or let him watch tv. He is staying with his gf and does not want to live here anymore. I think Evan should carpool with my husband but Evan does not like doing that, because he feels scared and terrified being in a car with my husband.I have talked to all kinds of professionals ,pastors and different forums on the web and can't seem to get the answer I am looking for on how to fix all of this.

Added: Jill your advice is succinct and bang on. S. - she sums it up really well.

I also am doubting this is legit. Sorry if it is, but I really hope it is not.
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Could you clarify a few things?

How old is Evan? Is he in medical school? Is he financially independent (has a job, scholarships, etc) or does he have no money or income of his own?

Are you serious when you say you took Evan's car back, and you refuse to drive him to school or work, and you don't let him watch tv?

When you say "takes care of me", do you mean you require physical assistance with daily activities due to illness or disability, or do you mean that he's a supportive son who makes you tea and chats with you?

Your talking to professionals is not going to resolve your husband's and Evan's clashes of personality. It's sad that your husband can't appreciate Evan for who he is, and it's sad that Evan hates his dad and spends his days crying.

But if Evan is an adult, who can handle the rigors of medical school and hold down a job and has a girlfriend, let him have a life. If you need a nurse or personal assistant due to medical issues, ask your doctor about what to do.

OCD is a serious mental disorder, but being anal retentive isn't the same as having a disorder. By definition, someone with OCD is compulsively persistent in certain behaviors, and someone who is anal retentive takes pleasure in having all the cans in the cupboards alphabetically organized, and all the pens organized by ink color. It's a sense of pride in maintaining order and neatness. OCD is something altogether different.

Help your son get a life of his own, and pursue his medical degree. Encourage him to move on.

You are never going to fix it. It's not going to change until your husband grows up and acts like an adult. And accepts that your son is an adult and he can't control him. And why would you let your husband take your son's car? We are having to use our son's car right now as ours is getting fixed but we are also making it worth his while so to speak. He's responsible for his insurance but since we are the ones driving it we will cover it this month. I don't approve of everything he watches but he's an adult. Setting rules for your house is one thing but expecting him to feel the same as you or your husband on things is ridiculous. And if your husband wants perfect 100% of the time he's NUTS! It's not possible.