Trying to not write a novel here. Background is that husband and I are divorcing, he and his daughter (who lived with us for 5 years and with whom we had regular visitation with before that) moved into an apartment in September. My oldest son (his step-son) and our two sons together live in our marital home, which we are selling and moving out of after the school year. The two oldest kids (step-sibilings) are both graduating from the same high school in June. We have enough tickets to the ceremony that our younger sons, his parents and my parents can all come. We will all sit together and all get along relatively well, still celebrating birthdays and holidays as one big family, going to the same hockey tournaments, etc. The older kids used to be good friends, close siblings and had the same social circle but they've grown apart over the years and right now, are polite to each other but that's about it.
So for graduation - without telling me, my ex planned a party for his daughter, her friends, and some of the friends' parents the following weekend at his dad's beach house. I didn't know about it until I RSVP'd for a birthday party for one of our younger sons and he told me that he had planned this party and expected our younger sons to be there. He added that while awkward, he "didn't mind" the idea of inviting my older son and me to attend as long as my son understands that this isn't a "dual party" and he can't bring friends because it's for SD and her friends, not him and his friends. He emphasized that this isn't a "family party" and that although his dad and step-mom would be there because it's their house, he isn't inviting any other family members. Then conceded that if I came, he would not invite one specific couple who was actually a catalyst for him and SD moving out and with whom I am no longer friends...how generous.
I was really taken aback by this as we had talked a few times about maybe having the grandparents back to our house for a small party after the ceremony and really in my mind the only question would be how many other people we would invite (my siblings, his sibling, etc.). My son doesn't want a big party, and SD apparently plans on celebrating a week later and is probably planning on party hopping that day. My thought was that the grandparents are all traveling about an hour to come to this, the ceremony runs about 2 hours, and then really, people will expect to get together to eat and spend some time together after. I figured that we could host a casual party, the older kids could stick around for an hour or so, friends could stop by if they wanted to, then they would be free to make the rounds the rest of the afternoon and evening.
He's "unsure" about whether or not he and she will come to this but has no plans to feed or spend time with his own parents after, and they consider my son one of their grandkids and my parents consider SD one of their grandkids so making everyone split up afterwards would make no sense. He is also digging in his heels about the younger boys going to the beach party. My argument is that if this isn't a family party but is a party for her and her friends (his words), they have no place being there. She doesn't enjoy their company, they don't enjoy her company, she won't want them hanging around their friends, he'll be entertaining other parents, so what's the point? And one of them already thinks he's going to a birthday party for a close friend.
My plan is to go ahead and plan a small, casual party, invite my siblings in addition to my parents, let my in-laws know that they are welcome to come back to the house, invite a few other friends who are like family who don't have kids graduating, tell my son that I expect him to be here until X o'clock, let my and his daughter know that they are welcome to come and the intent is to celebrate them both, and invite my ex to extend the invite to any other relatives he wants on his side. Then not go to or send any of my kids to the friends party the following weekend. Does that sound unreasonable? Am I missing something here?
Sorry this was so long and thanks for your input!
I was thinking exactly everything mynewnickname said! I would add that since the in-laws are close to all the kids, I would not just suggest they are welcome to come, but that you really hope they do come. If ex and sd don't show, you took the high road for all concerned.
You are a star J.B.
I was just reading Brene Brown's book on the gifts of imperfection and she says polls-such as questions on mamapedia- are indications that we are disconnected from our intuition and feel vulnerable. You have stellar intuition. Listen and go with it. Trust yourself here.
As I was reading the post, in my mind I was formulating what I thought was the most reasonable plan - and it's exactly what you spelled out in your last paragraph. The only thing I would change is that I would ask your boys if they want to go to half-sister's beach party. If they want to, let them go. If they don't want to, don't make them.
I would stop factoring in your ex and his plans. If you want to have a small get together after the ceremony, great. I think that would be very appropriate. I would make sure to invite your ex, his parents and his daughter. Be ready for them to come, but don't expect them. In other words, be pleased if they say yes, but don't be disappointed if they say no.
Don't worry about his party. He wants the younger boys to be there. That's nice, but he didn't ask, and he didn't give you proper notice. I think it might be nice if you ask them what they want to do. Let them know about the party and give them the choice. If you or your oldest want to go, fine. If not, don't feel bad.
It's nice that you want to be considerate, but you need to live your life. If his plans fit with your plans, that's one thing. But don't feel obligated.
Unless I'm missing something, your plan sounds good to me. The beach party is just for his daughter. I would expect her to not want younger siblings there. I would not include the younger sons at the beach. Seems like this is an occasion for KISS. Keep it as simple as you can.
Perhaps I did miss something? Dad did not directly invite younger son's and added them at last minute? Like they're an after thought? Party will be focused on his daughter, as it should be. How will son's even fit in? You do what you think is best for you and your sons.
Boy, he's really doing a number on you, isn't he?
Seems to me that he didn't tell you about the party and he's specifically excluding your son who is also graduating, so that's pretty hostile even if he's doing it by "omission". It's rotten, actually. If he "expected" the younger boys to be there, he could have told you about it. I guess I would say "Oh well, how unfortunate for you that we didn't know about it and Son #3 accepted another invitation." However, if your son feels it will go badly for him if he defies his father, he can choose to un-accept the birthday party invite in favor of a family graduation. I think that puts him in the middle and it's a bit of a bad precedent, but your ex sounds pretty bitter and controlling, so I guess your son should decide, with your help, what's better in the long run. I think he'll (or both of them will) be bored silly at a party where they aren't really wanted by SD, just demanded by dad. And it sounds like you are giving them all another opportunity to be together with all the grandparents and all the siblings (and if Dad and SD stay away, it's their loss, and they will look foolish).
Around here, kids plan grad parties on a staggered schedule so they can all go to each other's, so having your son's party on a different day from stepdaughter's is fine.
I guess I would lean toward putting my foot down as you say - not a family party, and there will be another opportunity. Then you take the high road, have everyone back at your house after you all sit together at the ceremony, and you have enough people to keep it light and make it festive. I agree that your son has to stay until a designated time and then he's free to join his friends or party hop, as long as he says a gracious goodbye to all the grandparents. If your ex abandons the whole family including his parents on that day, then he will look like the jerk. I'd go ahead and put up a banner (homemade is fine - maybe the younger kids can do it?) that says "Congrats to Son and Stepdaughter" (with their names) and if she doesn't show, she looks shallow too.
If neither of them show at your party, then don't go to the beach party. And don't force the younger kids to go. Your ex has separated the family by letting everyone know that your son doesn't matter - I don't see that you can stop him, but I don't see that you have to help him. As far as his parents go, you can just say, "Gee, we had no idea about this and already had plans. So glad we could all be together on the actual graduation."
If I read this correctly - SD's party sounds like it's for her, her friends and their parents. So I'm with you - not sure why your younger sons would enjoy it. I'd approach it like that and they already have plans.
You're having more of a gathering after ceremony so people can eat and socialize afterwards. I think that's nice where your son didn't want a big party. This way he'll feel special, and I think it's considerate you invited your ex and his family - if they want to come.
I would just focus on what works for the kids and what they want.
You are being reasonable :) He's just complicating things.
Isn't he a prince? He doesn't "mind" if your son come to SD party as long as he knows its not for him? WOW! That is a jerk move on his part.
I would have your celebration after graduation as planned. Extend invites to grandparents and such. You can invite him and SD as long as he and she know its not a "dual" party and that it is for YOUR son. I know I'm being petty but I think how he is operating is shitty. While everyone may consider everyone related divorce has a way of cutting it to shreds. What he does and doesn't do with his folks in no longer your concern. If he feeds them and spends time with them great, if not too bad. Its on him. Again, he's a jerk.
Beach party? Have you asked your younger sons if they are interested in going? I don't think they will want to because of the set up but you never know. However, if they don't want to go I would tell him that while you extend your congratulations to SD, unfortunately his poor planning and lack of communication will prohibit the youngers from attending as plans have been made for them elsewhere. He needs to learn now that he cannot dictate and mandate their attendance. He can expect all he wants, doesn't mean it will happen.
Now, I think it is time for you to stand back and flip this dick off! =)
I think the plan for your own party sounds fine, and so does letting everyone know they're welcome, etc. The problem is the next weekend's party.
Since the two younger sons are his and yours together, it might be that your ex sees having them at his daughter's party as covering the "close family" requirement -- and perhaps the ex also, probably without realizing it, expects his sons to turn up because dad says they need to support their half-sister. This might be, on some level, about dad asserting himself as "I'm your father and you need to be at MY family events" even if the ex has not articulated it to you that way.
How you handle this could have some impact as a precedent for other future events where the ex wants your two sons there. Sad, but that might be how life is after the divorce.
An option other than "The boys are not coming" might be to drop the boys there for a limited time and then pick them up and take them home (a simple "I can't make it but would be glad to drop the boys there and get them around X o'clock" could work.). Not clear to me from the post if the beach house location is close enough to make that doable for you logistically or if we're talking about something far enough to be an overnight. But consider that your sons might need to have the experience of going to something just to be supportive, even if it's not particularly fun for them (sounds like they'll have no friends their own age there).
It's great that you are thinking about hosting and feeding his parents and that they look on your son as a grandkid. Do what you need to do to keep that positive relationship going after the divorce. I do agree that the beach party is going to be for your stepdaughter's friends and will be frankly a bore for your younger boys BUT their grandparents will be there too -- so I'd talk with the grandparents (without your ex present) and ask if they'll focus on the boys that day since SD and her friends will be occupied. If you look on the beach party as a chance for your sons to see their grandparents on dad's side again for a while, it could be fine. I would not expect you or your older son to go at all-- let older son hang with his own friends elsewhere that day.
Is it possible that your ex is trying to break away (likely at the insistence of friends and/or family members) from doing things "together"? Yes, you all largely get along, and yes, that is really great . . . or is it? Perhaps this is really the time to follow your ex's lead and start making that break - for real.
I know that your parents thinks SD is "like a granddaughter" and vice versa, but tread carefully. "Like" is really "not." And while you are interested in playing nice with everyone, it is possible that not everyone else wants to play nice, too.
I would invite YOUR family after the ceremony for sure, and extend a very casual invite to your ex's parents/family that is attending the ceremony (which means you will need to extend it to the ex as well), but honestly I would encourage his family to spend some time together (just because you ex doesn't have plans - not YOUR problem) after the ceremony.
As far as the younger boys and the SD party - sorry, family stuff takes precedence over friend stuff. Get used to it . . . your ex probably wasn't either a great planner or communicator before and being away from you isn't going to make him better at either. A sure fire way to drive a very big wedge in your relationship (the one you NEED to have that allows you to be in the same room with each other) with your ex, is to start interfering in this kind of stuff. This is the one area where you need to be on your ex's side with your son.
One more thing: there is no Ex Wife of the Year Award . . . step back and work on you and getting this divorce finalized really is the number one priority here.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, although she is their half sister so I would give the boys the option of going to the party while letting them know they can certainly say no. Unless they are much younger and in need of supervision, then I would just keep them both away.
Your decision sounds fine. You are getting divorced. You would not be getting divorced if you were best friends and everybody got along. You are doing the most reasonable thing you can think of and you are clearly thinking of everyone else (which he is not). An aside comment, unasked for of course- is I am always baffled by people who are divorced and claim they are best friends. Having been divorced myself, I could see how people attempt to do things as smoothly as possible, but nothing is perfect. You are doing a wonderful job with your decisions.
