Grandpa Exposed Himself to My Daughter

It might very well be dementia.
My husbands grandfather was in a home, was in his 90's and becoming sexually inappropriate.
One morning he came down to breakfast butt naked - he simply forgot to get dressed.
There's no doubt about what to do -
small children and the extremely elderly just need constant adult supervision.
And yeah, don't give him any opportunity to be alone with kids.

I have a close friend who experienced this very thing when she was about 5 or 6. She's now in her mid-50s.

She told me the story once. From her perspective, this is what her family did wrong: they continued to allow Grandpa to remain in the house for the duration of his stay, because it was Thanksgiving, and he was 85, and frail. Her family did what yours is doing - making sure she wasn't alone, keeping an eye on Grandpa, etc.

But it wasn't enough. She felt as though the house had been burglarized and the family was allowing the burglar to remain in the home, but watching him carefully, while making him a cup of tea. She wishes to this day that her family had said "you are more important than someone who has harmed you" and that "you are free to come and go in your own home without a guard" and "we won't tolerate anyone harming you just because it's a certain date on a calendar or because they're old or because he used to be awesome".

Whether or not your grandpa was an amazing man, he has harmed your daughter. It is imperative that she knows his actions won't be tolerated, whether they're due to dementia or medication or any other reason. She needs to know she is first and foremost.

I'd put him on that plane NOW or I'd call the police or an attorney. Please let your daughter know that she is safe in her home. My friend regrets that she had to see her family continuing to allow her grandpa to be there even after he did what he did.

Get him to a neurologist, preferably one that specializes in dementia or strokes. If he has never done anything like this before, which is apparent from your post, he is NOT a sexual predator. It's easy for a stranger on a forum like this to throw that term out here, but inflammatory and inappropriate. You do NOT treat a dementia or stroke patient like a criminal. Changes in behavior and personality indicate a change in the brain. Dementia and strokes, or types of brain damage can cause these kinds of behaviors - like a dementia patient walking naked down the middle of a busy street, getting into a stranger's car and driving it into a ditch, that kind of thing. Stroke victims can start cursing at people when they've never cursed in their entire lives. I've watched an 80 year old woman use the "n" word with her nurses and accuse the doctor of breaking her glasses, and she NEVER acted like that before in her entire life...

You are right to feel sick about this, for your daughter as well as for your grandpa. Remember what you said here - he used to be your hero. He cannot help that this is happening to him. That being said, he has to be kept from your daughter and you can absolutely do that. You can send her to be with a friend or another family member. And you can also make sure that his doctor back home knows exactly what is going on so that they note it in his charts and deal with it accordingly.

When your grandpa is gone, this will become a sad memory for you. But the decline of the man he used to be will continue to a sad end.

I'm sorry but your aunt dumped him on you. And I would be concerned about the level of care she is providing him if she allowed him to fly by himself. I have a sneaky suspicion she was hoping you would keep him. You need to put him on a plane back home today. Not tomorrow or next week. Today. Your child is not safe and you can't watch her every second of the day. If you turn your back for one second that is long enough for something terrible to happen to her.

ya praise your daughter for telling what happened. you tell her that she did the right thing. and you tell her that when people get older their brains no longer work like they used to. you get him back to his home and you have the drs and the aunt take care of it... talk to a therapist to work thru your feelings on grandpa changing, have your daughter see one as well to make sure theres no permanent scarring from this incident. and give it time to get over it. it will be a bad memory if you choose to remember it, but if you choose to remember the good times instead then you will have happy memories of him

oh, leila, i'm so sorry. what an awful thing to have to deal with.
since your grandpa is very old and frail, and has never been creepy before, i'd certainly chalk this up to dementia.
i'd feel sick too, and i'm desperately sorry that your small daughter encountered something so distressing.
i think you are handling everything exactly perfectly.
i love that you're being uber-vigilant, but i don't see one word of anger or judgment directed at the old fellow.
i'm sure your thoughtful handling of the situation will get him the help he needs so that his dim, inappropriate urges don't cause further problems, and that your daughter has the right mother to help her deal with it so that it becomes a learning experience and not a traumatic one.
khairete
S.

Why is he not in a hotel/hospital/facility of some sort or on a plane/bus/train already? Whether he's a legit predator or suffering from dementia is really secondary to what should be your very first priority - keeping your daughter physically and emotionally safe - Grandpa needs to go, NOW! After he's gone, your aunt/his doctors/the police(possibly) can figure out what needs to happen next - but this is not a time to be cordial and polite and save face for the sake of the holiday/other family members. It's also not the time to put the needs of a frail elderly man above the needs of his victim, your daughter. I'd have him gone TODAY(or whatever day I found out), and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I can't imagine the shock you are in, but if this was ANYBODY else, what would you do? You need to do that.

ETA: with what you added, omg NO, just NO! You're going to allow this man that has victimized your daughter to stay in your home indefinitely(weeks? months?) while you use your family resources to "save up" to send him home??? There is so much wrong with that situation. You need to buck up and make the hard choices for your daughter, you are her MOTHER, her protector, and you are putting the man that victimized her before her. YOU need to take him to a mental health facility or VA facility TODAY. Call your aunt and tell her where he is, and then worry about if and what type of counseling your little girl might need.

Just what you want to deal with at Christmas with small children ... feel for you.

I don't have any experience in this so I can't tell you if it's related to a stroke or something that might have changed his personality. We have had elderly relatives get dementia and have strokes, and while certain things changed, not in this way, but the brain is very complex. If it's related to aging/dementia, then I'd think there would be other inappropriate strange behaviors emerging as well - but you don't mention your aunt having warned you of these, so it just sounds to me - off.

Have you actually confronted him about it? You say he's being secretive - do you mean, he's just acting as if he hasn't, or is he lying about it? If it were me, I'd confront him. Not in anger, but calmly I'd just ask him why he showed himself and why he is going in when she's in the washroom. If he denies it or acts confused, which is possible, then I'd just say very clearly - that's not to happen, it's not ok. You are aware these things have happened, and it has to stop.

I agree with getting him back home as soon as you can manage it. Your aunt who looks after him needs to be notified of his behavior. I would make it clear that you cannot have him in your home with your children.

Good luck - not easy to deal with I'm sure.

ETA

It's not your job to try and fix this.

There is a reason she put him on a plane by himself and sent him there without a return ticket. She is dropping him off at the babysitter's house and giving you this problem.

I'm telling you this. If she sent him to stay with you, not just a holiday visit, she doesn't want him anymore. Perhaps because she is experiencing the same thing you are.

Please understand that I say this with deep sorrow. Call child welfare and report this. They need to be involved. If you don't say anything right now to the authorities it looks like you are covering it up and not protecting your child.

There are health issues that change people. Perhaps he's had one of this. Maybe he was a pervert and hid it well from his family over the years. And now isn't able to find victims outside the home.

You cannot allow him to stay. Call the police, have him arrested, do NOT be chicken to do what is right. He cannot be in your home, to allow him to stay and not reporting this makes you look complicent. Guarding her isn't addressing the issue. He's a predator and you are allowing him in your home. Period.

You must report this then the state will be in charge and you will have done the right thing.

If you were my friend in real life I would call the police and report he exposed himself to your girl and I would never regret doing that for you. You have to have him gone today. To protect yourself from being arrested for not protecting your child.

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I would really like to find out what his doc says now. This is totally out there? You've never heard any family stories or anything that might suggest he did this to others over the years?

I am so sorry for you going through this.

You have gotten some great advice. I just want to add that your aunt, his POA, should have HIS money from his social security or retirement or disability, etc. to pay for his plane ticket and someone to travel with him. You shouldn't have to pay for that. Also, if she won't contact the VA you should, and I think you should do it in email, so you have a record of it.

How awful. I am never one to excuse sexually inappropriate behavior except (Yes, I see the incongruity of saying that!) when there seems to be a dementia component. If he has moments of lucidity (which I assume he does because you say he is hiding his behavior in some way - at least not admitting it), then I think you can say something to him. Not that it will change his behavior, but you can explain that he is not allowed to be with her since he "forges" that a closed door should stay closed and that privacy is privacy. Then don't expect I'm to remember it 10 minutes later.

I agree to absolutely support your daughter in speaking up and telling you. As others have said, explain that some older people (not all) get a condition that messes up their brains. I wouldn't call it a "disease" or "sickness" because you don't want her to think it's something she can catch. But do tell her that someone is going to guard the door every time she goes to the bathroom. I think you also have to take precautions in her bedroom - if you still have a baby monitor, that's one way, but I'd more likely put her on the floor of your bedroom for the rest of the visit if you aren't planning to ship him home early. Borrow an air mattress from a neighbor if you have to, or pick something up at the local Target store.

I am really upset that your aunt put a frail person on the plane by himself - I'm sure she needs a break, but still. I would think you should hire someone to accompany him, unless someone in the family can fly out and back, which I realize is tough at Christmas, and expensive.

If you have to save up to buy his ticket back, then you don't have much extra cash now, so it may not be possible for you to hire a home aide to sort of "babysit" him. There are elder services that provide non-medical care - I had people when my mother broke her shoulder and was very unsteady with her arm in a sling. She had bad balance and was falling again and again. She didn't need nursing care, just someone to do a little simple kitchen stuff and help with bathing. Many of them are personal care attendants or students working on their nursing degrees, but they are much cheaper than nurses and physical therapists who have more training. I don't know if you can find someone around the holidays but it's an option. For reference, we paid $23 an hour, some of which went to the agency and they paid the person around $16 I think.

I think you should write a letter directly to his doctor and explain exactly what happened. His doctor can't divulge info about him to you, but can (and will) certainly read what you have written. I think you can consider contacting the VA yourself, but you might also ask the doctor if it's necessary to report this to either Elder Services or CPS in your grandfather's home state. SOMEONE needs to make sure that he's not with any other children, especially girls. It's not clear to me that your aunt is taking it seriously enough. Maybe she is, but you should do your due diligence here, especially since this occurred in your home. It's more influential than sort of "playing telephone" by having your aunt relay your info. Be very specific - maybe list bullet points, one for each incident. Say more than "he was inappropriate" or "he was secretive" - be detailed in what happened, what you said, and what he said in response. The doctor will want to know what your grandfather's affect (appearance, expressions) was as well as anything he said or didn't say. That will help the doctor ask him more questions and evaluate for dementia as well as call in whatever services in their town/county are appropriate. I think you can consider calling Elder Services in his town too, to see what's there and what your obligations are. If you grandfather should ever wander off, you really want someone to know that he has been inappropriate before. It's possible that the local police should be notified too, not that they will arrest him or anything, but in many smaller towns, the police are a tremendous resource if an older person goes off the rails. If Grandpa doesn't have an ID bracelet with his name, address, medical problems (diabetes, heart, whatever), doctor's name and your aunt's name/number, please get one. My son and husband wear one all the time because they are runners who never, of course, carry a wallet or license when running. There are many that are "fashionable" or at least nondescript, and they don't look like purely medical bracelets. Road ID is one brand, and there are others.

You are going to have to involve the rest of your family, including your sons, in staying with your daughter and standing outside the bathroom door, every time she has to go. And I realize that a 4 year old isn't going to remember to say, "Hey, everyone, I have to pee - who wants to go with me?" Put a little travel video game or something for a person to do while they wait for her to finish. You cannot put a 4 year old in a locked bathroom or bedroom - you must be able to get to her in case of, say, a fire, and you cannot have a locked door between you that you rely on a child to open. If your grandfather is really frail and has a weak grip, you could consider one of those childproof doorknob covers on the outside of the door, if (and only if) you secure it so he can't get it off easily. That way you and other adults can get in if necessary, and she can easily get out by using the plain doorknob on the inside.

Finally, I know this changes how you feel about him. Your long-held view of him, your admiration, has changed forever, and there's a loss of your own innocence from childhood that goes along with that. And of course you feel sick and have a case of the "what ifs" regarding your child.

Good luck - while being furious and vigilant, I hope you can have a nice Christmas and be comforted by the warmth of a good grandpa for so many years until this happened.

Why is he the responsibility of the aunt and not you AND the aunt or whoever else? Caregiving is HARD as you now see.

I used to manage a retirement center and as men get older and confused, the part of their brain that controls these types of inappropriate actions can deteriorate. We had many older men hit on female staff members, walk in the hallways in their underwear, proposition female residents, etc.
I would definitely monitor him or have him in a part of the house that is away from the young girl.

Little confused here...how did grandpa get to your house? Did someone bring him? Did he fly? If so, doesn't he have a return ticket? What was the time frame for the visit? Christmas is over, rebook his ticket or call family and request they pick him up ASAP.