Grandparent Troubles

Krystal,

Sit back, relax, love the things you should be focusing on, like the fact that your mother is even here. My mother died in my arms a few yrs ago. She never saw my three yr old. I miss my beautiful mother so much. I didnt tell her things I should have. I didnt spend enough time with her when she WAS here. I didnt hold her enough when she was dying.

Love your mother and everything she is. Accept where you differ, and in the big picture it doesnt matter. Your son will grow up fine. These days with your mom wont make him bad. They will actually strengthen his family value.

Wendy

Hi i'm F. ! How are you - hope fine ! I have a three year old and an one year old ! They are the only two grandbabies in my family and i've experienced that very same issue with my mother ! When i had my first baby which was the first grandaughter of the family i had a very hard time with everyone tryin' to take charge n it was really irking my nerves i really needed a way out someone to come to my rescue ! But when it became too overwhelming for me i just snapped off on everyone told them what was on my heart n mind n that still didn't work ! I even got married to a man in the military n he's deployed in Afghanistan for seven months n i'm down here in Twentynine Palms by myself tryin' to make it fun for my children in the 110 degree weather daily and it is not easy by yourself at all ! I came to the realization that parents will be parents ! Their going to stay on u get on u fuss at u n spoil those children rotten because they feel like thats their only job ! But thats not true ! They need to be loved spoiled n chastised at the same time ! So they can know that boundary line that they should n can not cross ! But with most grandmoms their not about punishing children their about spoiling them ! Till this day my mom still don't like it when i punish my three year old ! She doesn't like it at all ! And i don't even live in Chicago anymore ! I live in Cali n am happily married and my parents still try n tell me what to do with my children but you know what i do i just listen n continue to love them pray for them daily because grandparents will always be grandparents ! Hope everythimg works out for you ! Just be glad that you mom is ther to help u n look past the other flaws n just love her n pray about the whole situation n everything will be alright !!! Take Care !!

Maybe you need to look into outside childcare. Many preschools offer tution breaks or subsidies if you need them. This way your son would have a consistent routine and Grandma could be Grandma. It would also preserve your relationship with your Mom. She could still babysit occassionally, but then it wouldn't be such a big deal if she spoiled him a little. I think it would take a lot of the stress out of all of your lives.

I was in the same situation about ten years ago. I fought with my mother many times about the raising of my son. We lived with my parents until my son was six and the best advice is to let your mother have her way. You can only say so much to her and she will still always do what she wants. In the end you will all be happier if you just try and relax a little. Your son will eventually realize that he can only get away with certain things when he is with grandma. I'm sure none of it will ruin him and your mother is right when she tells you that she knows what she is doing, even if it's not the way you would do it! Good luck!

Alittle about me: SAHM of 11 yr old boy, 4 yr old boy and 2 yr old girl.

hi! i know exactly how you feel only its my inlaws that do it (and we live with them!). what i do is lay the law down hard. i got over not wanting to hurt feelings after my daughter feel off their pet steps and got a huge bump on her head (after asking them repeated time not to let her in their room). i could be telling my daughter not to touch the fire place with his mom sitting 2 feet from her on the floor and she wont move her and then gives me the nasty looks when i disapline my daughter. she trys to pull the im a mom and i raised 2 boys and all that blah blah bs and i look her straight in the face and say yeah that was how long ago parenting has greatly changed and to add to that im the mother and i do not want my child doing that!.. its really rediculous and i know its hard because thats your mom so try to do it in a firm but respectful way and say that if you cant obey the rules i set for my son then ill have to find someone else to care for him. its so hard to do to but they have to remember your kid your rules and thats what i say a lot when my husbands parents get on high horses. good luck!

I feel you! I really do. We lived with my dad (single dad)so that I could stay home and watch ALL the kids while both him and my DH worked.. split the bills... sounds like the ideal situation, right?!?! I mean we got to be a 2 income family and someone is home all day with the kids!!
yeah, on the surface things were great! but there were issues!!! I mean I had my ideals of what I wanted my children to grow up knowing and believing and he had his. (just to tell you how bad it is... he once <ONCE> told them that it was ok to lie as long as you don't get caught!!!) aaarrrrrggg! I had been having trouble with my (at the time) 5 yr old with lying and finally made progress and then with that one sentence he messed it all up. You know that the only thing that helped us (and in turn actually saved our relationship) is when we agreed to go our own way. Ultimatetly, I realized that he didn't want to help me RAISE his grand kids...he wanted to be GRANDPA... and quite frankly to his way of thinking, that means doing nothing but spoiling them. Mind you don't misunderstand me. I don't agree. I truly think that if you love someone, well, you have to discipline them... but he didn't think that way and (in my case) there was no way to change his mind. So in order to salvage our relationship, we got our own place. I mean it's been hard, in this economy... but the kids are finally learning all the things I wanted for their character development... and they get to spend the night at Grandpa's every month or so, and do WHATEVER they want. I won't infringe on his right to spoil them, but I am in control of how often he gets to do it. Did that make sense? I hope so. Anyway, seems like you need to have a serious talk, and maybe try the books or whatever else people may suggest, but then you have to make some hard choices. I gave my dad 2 years... Don't feel like she'll ruin him in a night. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone!

Maybe, you could sit down and come up with one or two things / ways/ whatever that she could spoil him in and you wont interfere. Kids aren't dumb he'll learn that it's only with Grandma he can get away with that! then you make sure that she sticks to your rules on the important (to you) issues. Win Win situation. good luck & God Bless!

That's a hard situation and I feel your pain, having my mom watch my son in the mornings. Though it seems like a big deal now, especially when you're trying to teach him, make sure you stay consistent with what you do. Children crave consistency, even if they fight it. You obviously can't change your mom, but your son can still learn. If he knows what to expect from you at all times, and what to expect from grandma, he'll eventually learn the difference and act that way. Sure, you'll get plenty of "but grandma lets me...", to which you respond "I'm not grandma". I don't know if this actually works, my boy's only 8 mos old. But I know it worked with me. I learned what I could get away with when I was with my grandma, versus with my mom.
GOod luck!

I am a grandmother. It is your mom and you need to make it very clear that you want her to respect your views on raising your son. This is not good for you or your son........that should be the impetus for you really being truthful with your mom and insisting on her following your training values. The problem is she views herself as the "spoiler of children" and she feels she has earned the right to do just that. You probably will not be able to change her.
In that case is it worth it for her to help you out with watching your son? Perhaps you can go to school at night and your mom will have less time to "spoil" your son as opposed to all day with him.

Hi Krystal:
First, I find your request topic puzzling.(Grandparent troubles)It makes me wonder,why you haven't made other arangements,since your unhappy with her care.Possibly finances? Its been a while,but i'd imagine the cost for a sitter all weekend would put a dent in your wallet.I wouldn't imagine your mother gets out much on the weekends. I'd bet shes not that old, that she wouldn't enjoy dinner out, or a weekend away.I'm a Grandmother,and while I know,that my son believes that the childrens Grandfather and I sit vigil by the phone waiting for a call to babysit,We enjoy getting away,and spending time having fun to. We care for our Grandchildren,because we love them,and because we know it helps my son out financially.As parents,we have already raised our children. we've already gone through the bottles,diapers,toddler stage,and teens.We were the teachers,and disaplinarians,when we had to be.Grandparents are not suppose to have to play your role. They aren't there to replace you as a parent.Their purpose is not to fill in and act as the (bad guy) or disapline their Grandchildren.They are Grandparents,to YOUR children.They are there to spoil,and love them.I find it hard to believe,that no one has any memories of their Grandparents.That was the one place, that I knew I could go,and never be yelled at,or spanked.I knew,that they made me feel special, and that I could do nothing bad in their eyes.Grandma would fix me my favorite things,and Grandpa would sing to me before I went to bed.You EXPECTING your mother, to take YOUR role, while your away at school, is depriving her from being a Grandmother to your son, and its certainly depriving him from having that special relationship with his Grandmother.In my personal opinion,it sounds like you need to learn to pick your battles, with your son.In other words,don't nit pic about the little things.He's not going to be perfect.Focus on the big issues,and give him some room to grow.This in my opinion, is what your mother is attempting to get across.If I was your mother, I think it would be worth my while to pay for you a sitter,so I then could enjoy the thrill of being A Grandparent.I wish you the best. J.

Hi my name is M. and well I totaly understand I have the same issues with my mom and I have 3 boys 8, 6 and 7 month old that love to follow her for some reason and one day I told her look you did raise me and and now its my turn to raise my kids please help give me advise but in the end please follow my rules with my kids.I then explaind why i feel the way i do and said just listen dont reply i love you but it needs to be my way. She was shocked but she came around and now we have a great balance and every once and a while she trys to do it her way but over all its much better. Good luck just be loving but firm and she will understand sooner than later......

It sounds like your mother's support isn't really creating the outcome in your child that you had hoped for. This can be agonizing.

Since she is in support of your education, maybe she wouldn't mind the opportunity to learn a little bit of fun information too. Instead of approaching her with concerns, there are some fantastic books you could check out at the library for her. If you approach it as a fun activity, an investment for her grandchild, she might willingly, even eagerly read the books you provide her with.

Here is a sampling of books that could enrich her time as a caregiver with your child:

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Glenn and Nelson (THIS ONE IS SOLID GOLD!!!)

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg

Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley

Teaching Your Children Responsibility by Richard and Linda Eyre

Teaching Your Children Sensitivity by Richard and Linda Eyre

Teaching Your Children Joy by Richard and Linda Eyre

Good luck!!!

Hi there
I have been there also. Talk to your mom again. Try and compromise with her on what she lets him get away with. Maybe 1 thing.. Allowing her some freedom to be a grandma and having fun with your child. But your rules are your rules. For the benefit of your son you need your rules followed. That you love her and may or may not agree with her ways but this is your child and that you would appreciate the respect as a parent for her to help you. It is fun being a grandparent, I am one myself and its much easier being a grandparent than it was being a parent. I'm only 45 and I have a 4 1/2 year old granddaughter. But I respect my son and follow his rules. Yes I spoil her by letting her have ice cream for lunch on a special occasion but when it comes to his rules, I do follow them. But him and I a pretty much on the same track. So I do hope this helps. Im sure your mom means no harm but shes trying to have fun with her grandbaby. Sometimes however letting him get away with bad behavior will only hurt him in the end. Maybe you could mention that to her.
GOOD LUCK>>>
S.

Hi Krystal,

Young lady you have a very hard problem to handle. I am a grandmother myself and I can understand when your mother says she knows what she is doing because she raised you and your brother. Sorry but your mother needs to know that he is YOUR SON NOT HER SON. I would never disrespect my children if they told me to stop doing something with my grandchildren. They are not mine and they are the ones raising them their way. Yes I do spoil my grandchildren, don't all grandparents!! When you want her to not do something and she doesn't. Well it is time you sit down with her and get firm with her. You need to tell her if she doesn't follow your wish you will have to take him else where. It is going to hurt her but she needs to understand he is yours, your trying to get through school, raise a son (your way) and she is hurting more than helping. She can let him get away with things but not get away with the things you are trying to teach him NOT TO DO!!!!
I hope I made some sense here to you and helped you a little.
Your Mom just has to learn that he is your son and being raised the way YOU want him to be raised.

Good luck my little Angel and God Bless you. He is on your side help you.

Grandma B.

Your Mom has not learned her "role" in being a "help" to you. It's a power struggle which your Mom is knowingly or unknowingly instigating.

You have talked to her about it in many ways as you mentioned, but your Mom won't budge or compromise with you.

Thus, you need to have someone else help you out.

The key here, is YOU are the Mom. As your son gets older... you need to ALSO "teach" him that YOU are the Mom and YOU are the one he will need to listen to, YOU are the Parent, not Grandma.

For example: In the beginning, when my Mom was a first time Grandma, she did the same thing. Fortunately, my Hubby & I talked with her MANY times, in various ways... and by now, she is a totally cool Grandma who respects our wishes with our children. BUT it took time. In the meantime, we also taught our daughter that WE are the Parents... and whenever Grandma tells her something, she must first come to us, and ask us "permission" first, since WE are her Mommy & Daddy. Age appropriately... we also taught our girl "responses" she could tell Grandma... for example: if Grandma says she can have candy... we taught her to say "No,I need to ask Mommy/Daddy first..." or "You need to ask Mommy & Daddy first...." THIS has helped a LOT as well.... it takes away the "power" or bad habits that Grandma can put on our daughter. My girl is now 5 years old... and she has no confusion what so ever of "who" to listen to. She "knows" we are her Parents and that we decide things. In turn, Grandma has also "learned" that WE are united as a family and that me & Hubby are the PRIMARY caregivers of our children.

Children also need the help in "understanding" this, especially if there are other family members/Grandparents who sabotage our role as "Parents."

Yes, your Mom is sabotaging all the things you are teaching your son, and teaching him that YOUR rules don't count. This confuses a young child. They don't know "who" to listen to, or what rules to follow. It is NOT the "duty" of a Grandma to let a child "get away with things." Tell your Mom that she is actually doing a Dis-Service" to your son, and teaching him bad habits.

Sure all Grandparents like to spoil their grandkids and enjoy this... BUT within reason. It seems that your Mom does not want to respect your role as "Mom." You need to remind her that YOU are the Parent, not her.

At 2 years old, it's a hard enough stage..."the terrible 2's" as they call it. But at 3-4 years old, this stage is also still ongoing... so your consistency and patience with your son and dealing with your Mom will be a test of wills. Hopefully, she will learn to compromise.

But, I would just get another person to help you... don't "ask" your Mom for permission, don't discuss it with her... just do what you need to do....this is your life with your Son... you need to do what is best for you and him. You don't want to hurt your Moms feelings... but, well... sometimes we all try so hard to not hurt someone's feelings, but the MAIN focus, the child, gets pushed aside. You want your son to grow up respecting your Parenting... or he may learn from Grandma that he does not have to. The 2's stage and age is a crucial time in learning social skills and "rules" and boundaries.

Your Mom can be "Grandma"...but as for care-taking and child-care... that can be someone else. Then perhaps in time, your Mom will learn to understand, and learn to realize that HER daughter is now a Parent, and she will just have to adjust to that. My Mom, over time, has now become much more enjoyable in respect to respecting us as Parents, and how her "role" is now as a TEAM with us, not against us or our children. And our children, my eldest child especially, has no confusion or conflicting "rules" being tossed at her from Grandma.

Sorry for rambling, hope it all can work out in time for you and your son. All the best, don't give up, and take care,
~Susan

I am also a gramdma and when my sons tells enough mom I listen to him. They are his children and I am not the raising them. I would approach your mom and lay the law down with her. He is your son and you are teaching things your way and could she please adhere to the rules and guidelines you have set down. It is not easy for grandparents to let there children tell them what to do but in the long run I think you will find it a bit easer. Grandparents are like children we need to be reminded of the rules. Be gental she still loves you.

I had the same problems when I was a single mom. Have you tried not going over as often. Sometimes if you stay away even a day they get the hint. The other thing I told my mom was "yes you are the grandma but when I am around I am still the mom and I have the last say" and it sort of worked. My son is now 23 years old and lives with my parents in there room addition and she still things she is his mother and I still have to remind her that I am his mother. Hopefully, your son will grow out of the current stage. Good luck

Oh, yikes, this is so frustrating. I can sympathize. Well, I assume you have already had a calm conversation with your mom, explaining that even though it's fun for her to spoil your son and you don't want to be the bad cop, that she REALLY needs to understand that yes in fact her decisions are undermining what you're trying to teach him all week. If you can get her to understand that you're concerned about his behavior as opposed to getting into a power struggle between you and HER, maybe she will see the light? ... However, if that conversation doesn't work and your son is truly giving you chronic behavior problems and you're SURE it's because of what your mother does, then you'll have to give her an ultimatum so she understands you're serious: "Mom, if you can't back me up with these rules, then I'll have to have a sitter watch him until he's a little older and these lessons have sunk in." I'm not saying cut off all contact with her, just don't leave him alone in her care until she gets the message. That's really extreme and harsh and will probably cause a lot of friction between you and your mom, though, so think carefully whether the behavioral challenges with your son are worth that. However, if she's reasonable and you are willing to follow through with a sitter or whoever if she doesn't get onto the same page with you, it's likely your mother will (grudgingly, with a lot of complaining) follow your rules. Good luck!

You and your mom should both read "You Can't Make Me." It will help you both with the power struggles and get you both on the same page discipline-wise. If for some reason your mom won't read it, or is still not interested in hearing about what science has discovered since you were little, then your only recourse is to tell her that she won't be able to see your son until she agrees to your rules. (Think about it, your mom would never have let her mom tell her to do things to her children that she knew were harmful. She would have stood up for her kids, just like you're doing for your son.) I think you'll find that the inconsistency in the discipline he is recieving right now is the major factor in his undesirable behaviors. Once you get together - and work together - you will see a dramatic improvement in your son's behavior, as well as your relationship with your mom.

Good luck to you.

As hard as it may be, you need to have a discussion with your mom about what you expect from your son as far as his behavior is concerned, and what you expect from her as well. I'm sure she is just enjoying spoiling a grandson she adores, but she needs to respect your wishes and back you up with your expectations. If she doesn't, he is getting mixed messages about what is appropriate and that's unfair to him. At his age, he doesn't understand why something is ok with grandma, but not mom.
Good luck!

Don't worry about hurting her feelings when she clearly is not respecting your role as a mother. Tell her clearly that you need her to reinforce what you are teaching your son, period. If she cannot, you will have to find help elsewhere.

When you can't care for your son yourself, hire a babysitter (not the grandparents) to do so. At least a babysitter/daycare will follow your rules. I had to do that in a similar situation. No confrontations, just hire a sitter/daycare. Limit the contact with the grandparents to be contact only with you present. Don't apologize for what you are doing. Just do it. Good luck.

I've been on both sides here. I was a young single mom and my parents helped me out and now I am the grandma. When my parents just wouldn't listen to me, I finally had to tell them that I was the parent and I really loved them and appreciated the help they were giving me, but if they couldn't follow my rules I wouldn't be able to let them take care of my daughter anymore. Of course they didn't and I had to bite the bullet and pay someone else for a short time to watch her. But about a week later they called me and asked to have her back and promised to enforce my rules. I thanked them every single time they watched her and let them know how much I appreciated them supporting me. If you go this route you have to be willing to back it up, though. Good luck, now as a Grandma I have to honor the rules and I don't like it much!

i'm a grandmother to a seven year old and i try to respect my son and daughter-in- laws wishes. you have to support and respect the parents. tell her i said so. even if we don't agree unless the child is in danger. sounds like grandma is a trouble maker.

Well Krystal my mother does the same thing with my nephews who are two and six. My daughter is only 4 months old so she can't really spoil her just yet. But when I have both my nephews over and they are going crazy around the house I try to keep them intertained and not let them have everything they want.For example when it is early in the morning and all the kids want to do is eat candy for breakfest I try to make them eggs or something more healthy and my mom tries to convince me that it is ok for the kids to have just a little bit of candy. I tell her that they could have some afterwards and no metter how much the kids fuss or how much my mother tries to convince me to let them have the candy I don't give in. I stand my ground and have the kids eat their breakfest first. My mother does get a little sour from this but she is my mother and gets over it after a while. Even though you don't want to hurt your mom you need to be strong and I am sure that after a while your mom will forget all about being hurt.