Greedy Boys

I know what you mean. I realized that my husband and were falling into a sort of "quid pro quo" situation with the kids. "If you're good at the store, maybe you'll get a treat." "If you leave the playground without a fuss, you can watch a cartoon at home." etc. It was getting ridiculous because the kids started thinking they only HAD to do thing to get a reward. So...
first, we took away all their toys. All. Their. Toys. We left them their books. We have told them that they have to consistenly do three things to start earning their toys back:
1. Don't fight with each other.
2. Do as you are told, promptly and cheerfully (to avoid the moping "Whyyyyy do Iiiiiii have to do aaaaaaall these choooooores.")
3. Accept what you are given without asking for more (because my son in particular is great at taking a mile if given an inch.)
We have told them basically that if they ask for a toy back, or a treat, or to watch tv, or whatever, BEFORE they have consistently demonstrated the behaviors that we want, then they are out of luck.
This is being done in a firm but loving way. We are not trying to be mean, but rather we are trying to raise good humans who are not spoiled, entitled brat faces that can't hear "no."
Oddly, the kids respond very well to more "strictness" from us.
My suggestion is to sit them down...tonight!! And explain that there is a new sheriff in town, named Mommy. Tell them that the prize box at school is a special SCHOOL thing and is not how it's going to be at home. At home, you will have certain expectations. Make them perfectly clear and be prepared to repeat and repeat and repeat them again. And tell them that if they want to know what they are going to get, or what will you buy them, the answer is automatically "nothing."
Good luck.

We had that issue. That SAAAAME issue!

We stopped the rewards. We sat down and said "You do your chores because you are a member of the family and your job is to help out. You are good in the store because I need to buy groceries to feed the family and it helps me when you're good."

Then, there were no more rewards. We ignored the whining. Misbehaving in the store was ignored unless it was loud. Then we took her outside and she sat on the curb (in timeout) and then went back in. It only took a few times for her to see that we weren't going to give in, and if she was loud it just made time at the store longer.

We gave her verbal praise for everything she did right. We thanked her for her help. We SHOWED her how her help was important.

She receives allowance now, but it's her share of the money brought in because she helps. We don't pay her per chore.

It worked. It took a month or so, but it worked. We also do not pay extra for extra chores. Sometimes the family has to pull together to get extra things done and that includes her. No one pays me to do chores!

She is allowed to earn extra money outside the house. Lemonade stand, mommy's helper, weeding grandma's yard (not our yard, we live here and it's everyone's job to make sure it looks nice. She does not live at grandma's, so she can get paid to weed).

This simple shift in perspective has also brought us closer as a family.

Good luck!

Just ignore the moping. So what if they get upset because they don't get everything they want? I assume they have a loving home, good food and friends, lots of toys and plenty of opportunities to have fun and the occasional treat. That's all a kid needs. Your kids won't be thrilled when you say no but that's just a part of life.

Turn the tables on them - let them know how it feels from your viewpoint! They want something to eat - ask them what will you give me for that? They want clean clothes - what will you buy me to wash your clothes? You get the idea!

Time to change the incentive scene. It happens once in a while. The boys have gotten the wrong idea. That shows how clever they are.

"Sorry, boys. This isn't school. This is HOME. We're a family and we help one another. I don't get any reward for cooking you supper; it's one of my jobs for the family. You don't get any reward for doing your jobs, either; they're your way of helping the family. You can help even more by doing your jobs quickly, completely, and well. I hope you'll remember this, guys, because if there's the least bit of whining or moping about it - here in the house or anywhere else - you're going to be losing money [or things] instead of gaining it. Get it?"

Then - stick to it. No exceptions. Don't yell; don't lecture; don't be angry. Be friendly and firm. You're not laying down the law because you're MAD at them, but because they're wrong.

Sometimes this direct approach is the best. Your boys have simply gotten mired down in a "selfish swamp," and they need to climb up out of it.

Here is your answer to your boys: "Nothing." Wanting is natural in a child, especially in our consumer culture, and it's just your job to say no. That's how they learn.

Don't worry about your boys becoming "greedy" -- that will only become a problem if you give in to it. If you want perspective on your boys' mental health, read Nikki's post. I'm still in shock about that one.

I explain that our family is a team and each team member is responsible for helping out in order for things to run smoothly. If only one team member did all the work, then that wouldn't be fair. They may complain at first but they will get used to it and if you stick to your decision. Good luck!

What do you get ****PRIDE****

PRIDE in a job well done.
PRIDE in I learned something new today
PRIDE I am growing up and learning responsibility
PRIDE I can follow directions, do a chore, and know my best is my best (and good enough).

What else do they need?

I agree that kids need to be rewarded but they also need to understand that doing chores is a part of life, as is getting a job, being responsible so that when they are adults they can take care of themselves and their families.

What Sara suggested-- laying down the law-- is important. I encountered this dynamic, too, when I have worked with kids who get prizes for what's expected. This business of rewarding kids for what they should be doing often backfires and creates some very unpleasant attitudes toward word/responsibility for it's own sake.

Be crystal clear with yourself: what are the regular expectations? and then, what are the extras? For example: my son gets $1 a week allowance to spend. ONE. No more. He has certain responsibilities each day that he must take care of or there is a natural consequence for this-- his allowance is not withheld, nor is connected to his daily chores, however, if he does *extras* then there is a small payment for those, which we have already agreed upon in advance. (in our house, extras are dandelion deadheading, helping scrape moss from the sidewalk, weeding...)

Here's my suggestion: Do the boys have an allowance? If not, start now with something very small and reasonable, 1-2 dollars a week. Just for learning how to spend. Then, figure out which sorts of 'extra' jobs could be worth X amount of money, and make a chart of these. List each job thoroughly, so the chart doesn't say "clean bathroom", instead, break it down to "Clean Toilet (wipe down top, lid seat, rim of bowl, wipe down sides of bowl, scrub bowl with cleanser... details) 25 Cents" "Clean sink (break down task again) 25 cents" etc.

Good behavior: expected.
Good attitude: expected.

When "can I have" comes up, ask instead "Oh, is that something you'd like to save up your allowance for?" Put it back on them. I do this all the time with my little guy and it stops these conversations cold.

Give them each a wallet or piggy bank for their money. Offer to put it on a shelf where sibs can't get at it, or they may keep it in their room. Let them enjoy the responsibility of looking after their own money. And when the grumping starts, just ignore it. "You can choose to save your money for that or not... it's up to you" puts it right back in their lap. Also, let them spend their money how they want for now. Yes, they're buying junk, but as they will eventually notice, the junk doesn't last too long. With a predetermined allowance, they can plan ahead and save money because they know that dollar a week is coming. My son is five and has saved up seven weeks of allowance at a time for items he's really wanted. This is why I believe a small allowance can help change buying habits.

And tell them that all the Mamapedia moms say you DON'T *have* to give them money whenever they want, because we don't usually just give our kids money that way either. :) If they think you are a mean mom, well--you are in good company!

I struggle with this with my son too, and one thing that helps, say, 75% of the time, is to make this big deal about how we're all doing something as a team. I'm like, "Wow, can the team get dinner on the table by 7? Can it be done? Okay, table-setter, do your thing!" My son (also 6) is much more responsive if I make a chore sound like a positive challenge, and if I ask him to do something that's related to what I'm doing -- setting table while I'm cooking, clearing table while I'm cleaning, etc.

Stop paying them. They should have some chores that they don't "get paid" for doing. For example, making their bed and keeping their room picked up; taking out the trash; setting/clearing the table.

Then, if they want to earn some money, there are other chores they can do such as washing windows, vacuuming the house, yard work.

Also, decide before they start what the "payment" will be and then stick to it. I always pay my grandsons by the hour when they do yard work for me. And when I pay by the hour, I expect them to WORK for that hour. I do stay out there and supervise and even pitch in but I am mostly there to make sure they are working.