Habitual Tardiness in a Friend

Her 'whatever' is just a euphemism for 'I don't care'.
Stop waiting for her.
If she complains - tell her 'whatever'.
She should be about as happy to get that response as you are in receiving it.

One of my best friends is habitually late. I leave her. (I have made her drive to the airport before when we were going on a trip together and supposed ride to the airport together but she wasn't ready on time. I was not about to chance missing a flight because she wasn't ready.) I hate being late and I can only tolerate her tardiness so much. I will tell her to be ready at an earlier time and sometimes that works. Other times she gets left behind.

If being "tardy" or habitually late to something hinges entirely on whether you two ladies maintain a friendship, then I would say they friendship isn't much of one.

I haven't checked all the other answers, so this may be a repeat.

Perhaps the reason your friend assumes everyone will wait for her is because everyone waits for her.

You can't make her change, of course. So, if her habit is annoying you (and I can't blame you for being annoyed), just change your own habits. Let's say you're meeting her for lunch somewhere. Give her ten minutes' grace time. Then leave. Send her a message: "Sorry I missed you." If she's ticked, let her be ticked.

You don't have to have any big heart-to-heart discussion with her about it. Just change your own ways. Be friendly toward her, but don't wait for her. How she reacts to that is not your responsibility. Maybe she will decide she doesn't want to risk losing YOU as a friend.

Oh, and if you want to be somewhere on time, don't go with her!

Keep your sanity. She obviously how very little regard for anyone else's feelings if she doesn't care that she is negatively impacting someone else's schedule.

Give her a warning or two. If she still doesn't show up on time and you have to leave to be somewhere, go without her and she will just have to be pissed.

I HATE being late...it is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. More than that, I work a pretty demanding full-time career. If I choose in my limited free time to take time away from being with my children to spend time with someone, then they can damn well be on time. I am NOT missing time with my children to sit alone somewhere watching my watch.

I have two jobs, volunteer in my kids' 3 schools, drive kids to activities and am active in the community. BUSY! I manage to arrive on time. It's a matter of planning correctly and not underestimating the time it takes to do things or get to your destination.

People who are perpetually late are poor planners and/or selfish. I had a friend who was like that. I told her that the max I would wait for her was 10 minutes (in the age before cell phones), and I kept my word. She was pissed the first time I wasn't there, but too bad. She got over it and then made an effort to get there on time.

I would tell her that you aren't going to wait for her anymore - arriving an hour late to an event is horrible. The max you'll wait is XXX and then you're starting dinner or going to the movie or whatever. I wouldn't drop the friendship yet.

Keep the friend. Tell her to meet you a half hour earlier than you intend. Then she will never be late and you can not be mad anymore. There are worse traits in a friend than tardiness.

Dawn

yegads I thought you were writing about my husband!! He is late for everything. In fact he is so late that my son had to be at the airport once and told him the plane was an hour earlier. I have tried that myself once in awhile. He knows we are supposed to be somewhere and decides right before to rebuild the garage or something. And this is even to things that he wants to go to. He seriously doesn't budget time for anything but work. He is always on time for work. Go figure. I am an anxious walking mess all the other times and decided that sadly I will have to change the time more often to a wee bit earlier so we get there without my breathing being horrid. I thought it was rude but seriously I think these people just don't think about what they are doing to other people who are waiting for them.
I do think you need to address it over and over or give them an earlier time for your own sanity. If this is a true friend they will listen even if they still have a problem with tardiness. But the 'whatever' sounds like a rather uncaring response so...Good luck!
And I do want to add this, my husband is definitely aware of ways he could be on time...for instance he could take a quick shower instead of shaving for three hours and sitting in a tub, just kidding but you know what I mean.
He can Not call people he hasn't spoken to in years right before we are going out. He can plan ahead by getting gas before we go rather than on the way. He knows these things so sometimes I think in that case he is rude like your friend. And I had to laugh, I just read about the woman whose friend was cleaning the garage when I was just kidding about him rebuilding it. He really does take those times to do some project.
So in otherwords good luck to all of us.

Just start without her, or leave, depending on the situation. Natural consequences.

p.s. - I think people can be "late" for parties, but others need to be allowed to start eating or whatever at the appointed time.

If it was just me and coffee I can cope, but when it is someone else's event and we are carpooling - I'd be crawling the walls. The lateness would begin to ruin my friendship with her.
I'd stop going with her to other places. When she asks "Hey want to go together?" "Sorry, I can't. I'll meet you there, though." Then it would save your sanity and allow her the time she needs to get ready.

I think the "whatever" attitude is what really gets me. That doesn't sound like someone who just has a lot of kiddos or got sidetracked. . . it is a blatant disregard for others.

I'm not defending your friend, but is it possible she has ADD? This can be a huge problem for someone with it. I know because I've had a hard time being somewhere on time. I've gotten better at it because I've learned some strategies that help me, but it's only because I've made a huge effort to get better at being on time.

My husband has ADHD. He literally has no concept of time.. He has a few strategies that have gotten him through his work.. I help him on his down time.. Many times I have to remind him many times, leave notes etc...this will never change for him.. It is just not there..he hates it, but admits it and asks for help.

You need to decide if your friend is worth this frustration. I am addicted to time. Many times, I can tell you the time of day without even looking at a clock..

I feel like people that do this with out regard for others are selfish.. I do not deserve to be taken for granted.. You do not either.. Your friend should at least admit, she is not good with time and ask for your help or make amends at least..

oh my dear.
i could be your friend. and my older brother makes me look like a saint. my entire family has had to take up drastic coping techniques to avoid killing my poor brother, who will clearly never master timeliness in this lifetime.
i know the stock response is that tardy people are selfish and inconsiderate. it's often true, and always applies to some degree. i do assure that many of us time-challenged folks are horrified by ourselves and never throw up our hands and say 'whatever.' but our loved ones are certainly justified in not accepting our endless, meeping, pathetic apologies.
never wait for someone like this. tell them the time of the event, and proceed without them. if they miss a plane, or the start of a movie, or arrive during dessert, too bad for them. but by the same token, don't bother admonishing or attempting to guilt-trip them. it only creates resentment all round and won't fix the problem.
but don't allow the tardy person to dictate the flow of the event, or for their peccadillo to rain on your parade. ever.
if she's your friend, she'll get it. my brother gets angry occasionally that we leave him behind and he misses fun things, but he also does understand.
khairete
S.

I have a friend like this and here is my strategy. Even though she is always late I still love her and want to be friends with her. It used to drive me absolutely nuts because I thought that she was taking me for granted or not being respectful of my time. I have come to realize that it has nothing, zero to do with me or how much she values our friendship. This is just her. She is late. Period. There is no underlying statement there about my worth to her or the importance of her time versus mine. We have discussed this and now it is a big joke with us. But here are the strategies that I put in place to make the friendship work for me. 1) When possible I have her pick me up from home to go out..that way I get ready and then hang out in the comfort of my home until she gets there - fine with me. 2) I pick her up. She is usually pretty close to ready when I get there after a few texts. 3) I meet her out with others. We have drinks and if we are ready to order before she gets there we usually go ahead and order. She can catch up when she gets there. She knows this will happen and has on occasion texted in her order for us to put in...which is fine.

Key thing for me is to never meet her out just one on one...because I am on time and then just left there waiting and end up mad as hell by time she strolls in. Hope some of these strategies will work for you.

My sister has a habit of being late for meals - if we're having Thanksgiving meal at noon, she may not arrive until 1. Our mother used to insist on waiting, but that is unfair to everyone else. Now we just eat without her and she can warm a plate when she wanders in.

In college, my group of friends would often meet up and go to dinner together at the same predictable time. One of our friends would almost never be ready to go. She had to do something silly like put on makeup or whatever. After a time, we stopped waiting for her. After a couple of weeks, she was ready to go when we'd knock on her door.

My husband has a friend that tends to underestimate his travel time. He never accounts for weather, traffic, etc. If we invite him for dinner at 6pm, we tell him 5:30, and he shows up around 5:50. The thing is, we don't hide that we lied about the time. He knows, we know, and it works.

As for you and your friend, don't travel together, so you're not responsible for her. If you're meeting up for lunch, bring a book. If she is late for dinner party, wait 15 minutes tops, then eat. Don't make a big deal out of her lateness, but don't cater to it either.

I saw your addition - I have kids, work, and volunteer in two schools and in the community. I am never late unless something is beyond my control. There is nothing special about me. I simply make scheduling my time a priority and pay attention to details. Google Calendar is amazing. I'm clearly be able to see if I'm leaving enough time to get from Point A to Point B or if there is a schedule conflict to fix. Sometimes, you have to say No to things. It is important to not overschedule yourself. That leads to stress which can lead to being late for various reasons.

One of my closest friends is always at least 30 minutes late. She frequently shows up 60 minutes late. When I invite her for dinner, I always tell her 30 minutes before I actually want her to arrive.

I too hate being late. I forgive this friend of her tardiness, but I have another friend I wrote off after she was 1.5 hours late to a dinner party. She was "cleaning her garage." The friend I am still friends with is just late because she is just late. Her mother even use to tease her and say you will be late to your own funeral. She doesn't mean to be late, she just doesn't know how not to be. I think this is different from someone who isn't always late, but occasionally decides something else is more important --and you can wait.

I HATE being late. I value others' time, so I make every effort to be ON TIME when I'm meeting people. It would annoy me a lot if a friend was continuously late AND had such a cavalier attitude about making people wait. That shows me that they don't *really* care about other people and are about as selfish as it gets. I would examine that friendship carefully and really weigh its worth.

Now, if someone is habitually late, but they're *trying* to be on time (you know those people, they JUST can't seem to get out the door) and they're sincerely apologetic about it, that's another story. We all know people who constantly lose track of time or have a ton of kids to get out the door (and that, of course, can take all day), etc. I usually expect them to be late and adjust my own time accordingly. Or I give them an earlier time than is necessary.

But that whole "whatever" attitude? I'd be pretty upset about that. Because if she thinks HER time is more important than YOUR time, well, that's just not a very good friend, is she?

There are people who have truly functional issues with timing. They go back 10 times to check the lights and the house alarm, etc. Then there are those who truly have a ton of stuff on their plate - single parents, sick kids, unreasonable bosses. Then there are people who don't realize that chronic tardiness is a sign of disrespect to those who are there on time, a way of saying that "my time is more valuable than yours". Some even like control over situations when they feel out of control elsewhere. I don't know which category your friend is in.

The thing is to stop calling her to remind her she is late. She knows. Do not tell her she is keeping someone waiting. She knows. Do not hold the dinner until she arrives. The party host can work in a 15 minute delay for ANYONE who is late, hits traffic, gets lost. THen everyone sits down to eat. When your friend arrives late, don't fawn all over her. Just say "Glad you could come" and let her sit down to lukewarm food and whatever is left over. The thing to NOT do is to make a huge fuss over her so she gets all the attention, or to turn the dinner conversation into a recitation of her excuses or her life stresses. When people come late to a meeting or a church service, they slip quietly in and take a seat in the back. That's what you do if you come late to a party too. You don't disrupt the proceedings. She'll either change her ways or not.

If you are also late because you are waiting for her, you can either advance the time of the event and not tell her, or you could go by yourself and tell her you aren't carpooling anymore because you don't want to miss the fun and you want to get there at the start time. You don't have to participate in her drama and her frantic lifestyle. And you don't have to enable her.

My husband is always 15 minutes behind because he works until the last second, then goes to grab a clean shirt (which he can't find because it's hanging in the laundry room), can't find his coat and keys, then has to go back upstairs to get his wallet and license, blah blah. So I just him the absolutely drop-dead departure time is 6:15 when I know full well we don't have to leave until 6:30. I have also left without him and said I assumed he wasn't coming (and that's if he was way more than 15 minutes behind).

But if someone is an hour late or more and you are waiting, that's not going to work. I would just stop enabling her and get myself to events and enjoy them.

People who are late are a pet peeve of mine. When people who are late, especially habitual tardiness it shows that they do not respect my time, the host or whomever.

If everyone knows the time and date, then everyone should manage to be on time. I know plenty of working moms with more than 1 child and a very busy schedule who are never late. You just plan accordingly.

I did drop a "friend" because she'd leave me waiting at a restaurant for lunch up to 30 minutes. I told her that my time was just as valuable as hers and if she continued to disrespect me by her tardiness then we just would no longer meet for lunches, etc. She acted shocked and of course rattled off numerous excuses and I said no.... I refuse to be treated this way. Granted, this girl loved to make an entrance so being late was part of her plan because everyone's attention would turn to her at that moment,,,,, GAG

The last time I agreed to meet and she did this after our discussion, I left the restaurant. My time = $$ and is just as important as anyone else's. We've never met for lunch again but we do still exchange holiday cards, etc... Her's ALWAYS arrives 1-3 days after Christmas.. just like clockwork...

If someone is late once or twice for good reason, I can understand but not the habitually late people who are so self centered that they do not consider that what they are doing is rude and disrespectful.

Don't invite her anymore, she's selfish and doesn't seem to care what you think. If she invites you again and doesn't show up on time, just leave and give her a taste of her own medicine. Sounds like you DO have other friends who appreciate you company....may be time to "unfriend" this one.

A friend of mine ( I almost said a late friend of mine lol) who is late all the time does have ADD. However your friend with the whatever attitude needs an attitude correction. Tell her you will wait 10 mins for her and mean it or she will be there in 20 mins. let the friendship sink or swim from there according to her wishes.

Maybe she likes to be late. If she was late for a dinner party with just you, I can see how it would be very annoying. But since it's a group of people, not so much. You shouldn't wait for her, just go about your usual plans. If it really bothered her, she'd show up on time. If it does bother her that you didn't wait for her, throw up your hands and say, "well, you were late, we're hungry!". She should get it. Don't lose the friendship over this.

Oh, you and my husband could get together and bash me over coffee. I am CHRONICALLY late. When I am on time, it's usually in the nick of. I will say that at least I have gotten better about exactly how tardy I am -- ten or 15 minutes as opposed to 30 or 45 -- and usually I arrive with a mouthful of excuses. Frankly, I've stopped making them because nobody wants to hear it, and I can't say I blame them. I've had numerous individuals call me out on this and they are justified in doing so. I feel badly about it but obviously not bad enough to get my s**t together around it.

To my knowledge, nobody has ended a friendship with me over my lateness. I notice, however, that I get excluded from some activities where the specific time is set in stone. Not to be flip but the only answer I have is that once get tired enough of the consequences I guess I'll change my behavior.

Good luck with your friend!

This has to be the most annoying pet peeve of mine. I cannot stand waiting for people who say they will be at a certain place at a certain time. I ususally give a grace period of 10 to 15 minutes. After that they are on their own. I do not care, I will order my food, start without them, I will leave. I think its really rude and selfish.
BUT if they call me and tell me they are running late that is fine. I know stuff happens and things come up. Just call me.

I'm late a lot..because I have three jobs, two kids, and volunteer at both kids' schools. If my friends hold it against me, then they're not really my friends. I wouldn't be late to a wedding or something that started at a certain time and was important or that I'd interrupt by coming in.

Tell her the start time is a half hour earlier than it really is. Then if she is still late, start without her. That's what we used to do with my uncle who was habitually tardy.

When you said "habitual tardiness" I thought you meant 5 to 20 min. I am that "5 to 10 minutes late" person..... :)

However, if it's habitual and it's that bad (and personally, I'd be embarrassed to be that late), you and all her friends should just move on with your lives. If she's invited to dinner and is 30 min late (to 1.5 hours!!! holy cow), start eating w/o her. If you're meeting her for lunch/movie/etc., start without her.

Her being that late is very rude.

I also HATE being late. In giving her information re what time we are leaving, I would tell her 1/2 hour earlier so maybe she can be ready on time. If she's still not ready, just tell her you are going to go on ahead and you'll meet her there. It is really rude to be that late to a dinner party, IMHO.

My husband is chronically late to nearly everything if it's not 100% OMG SO VERY IMPORTANT IF HE DOESN'T GET T HERE ON TIME IT WOULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!11!!!

In other words, if he's in charge of getting somewhere on time then we'll be late by a minimum of 15 minutes. He simply doesn't care or check clocks. He doesn't have this inner timer that I seem to have. He doesn't have the compulsion to be ON TIME.

My ADHD daughter is the same way he is, so I'm trying to train her differently. I have to teach her to organize, and it's not easy for her. Just like with her dad.

My youngest daughter is exactly like me. She has this innate ability to get things running smoothly and on time without relying on being nudged and pressed to move things along.

So when we have to be somewhere on time, I'm in charge. If my husband is running late in spite of everything, such as choosing to use the bathroom as I'm supposed to be pulling out of the driveway, I WILL leave without him because he takes 20 minutes in the bathroom. Then he goes through the locking up routine a 2nd and 3rd time. Not just with the house, but his car. It's beyond ridiculous. Things he should have done hours earlier and he chooses to do them minutes before we have to leave, seconds before getting in the car.

ADHD. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

EDIT: By the way, I won't be divorcing my husband over this. Therefore, don't end your friendship over this.

My husband is always late. Sometimes I'm late. We apologize and really try to do better.

This sounds like she just doesn't care. I'd tell her to meet you 30-60 minutes earlier and see if that helps. OR make a date with her and then you show up an hour late a few times, she'll get the hint that it's not okay.

It also depends on how good of a friend she is and if you want to keep dealing with this. Me? I don't have time for friends who have no respect for my time...wasting my time is one of my biggest pet peeves!

Her response alone (no consideration of others time) would tell me how to respond. I would teach her how to respect my time, probably by letting her know if she is not at the agreed place by 30 minutes after the agreed time, I would leave. I would give her 30 minutes and than reschedule with her and allow her to learn to be on time or 30 minutes after the time at least with me.

Good luck

Even when you have small children and know what to expect, sometimes things still go wrong. For instance, I'll have all 3 of my kids dressed and in their coats, and be going through the house turning off lights, etc., and when I come to bring them all to the car, I might find that one of them opened the bathroom door, and the baby started splashing in the toilet. True story. Ugh. Coat drenched, sleeves of shirt and sweater underneath drenched, water all over the floor, and of course, contaminated baby hands -- yep, that might delay me 30 minutes.

However, your friend's attitude towards being late would really annoy me, as it seems very disrespectful and presumptious. If she is going to be late, she should call (or at least text) and let the host know, and invite the host to begin the meal without her. Just ignoring the tardiness is not good manners.

I am a person who puts little energy to being punctual, unless it's something professional or I'm meeting someone for some particular purpose. I am almost always 15 minutes behind, because I think that I have more time. Since having my little one, I put even less effort into it, because my schedule is all over the place. His nap time alone can throw off the entire day. Maybe I'm just no good at it, but I don't care.

I have a friend who we can all count on to be an hour late to pretty much anywhere. Not 100% of the time, but damn near. We either tell her an earlier start time (not a lie because we are prepared to get started at that time) or we emphasize the importance of getting to a particular event on time. Sometimes we even tell her outright that we've got an earlier time for her. ("We're sitting down at 3, but, Suzy, you be there by 2.") She knows who she is, and we don't dance around that topic. We just love her, anyway, and work with her.

I don't take it personally. Either I'll wait or I won't--my call.

I was a teeny bit sympathetic until I got to the part about her throwing up her hand, saying, "Whatever, they'll wait."

How disrespectful and inconsiderate!

I wouldn't wait around for her and become associated with her attitude toward others! If she's habitually late, simply let her be late without you. For a dinner party or other event that you are both to attend, instead of going with her, say "I'll meet you there." And then go on your own, using your own transportation, and be there on time. Save your sanity....and your good reputation for being on time AND considerate.

I tell my habitually late friend the wrong time for everything. Then if she's late I leave before she gets there. I say something "I though I had messed up and was supposed to drive myself, sorry".

My in laws are always late to everything. So when we are having dinner at our house and plan a time we always tell them 1 hr earlier so that they show up on time. So if we want them there at 3 we tell them 2 and then they show up on time.
So maybe you could try that and see if she is on time. That to me is just rude and disrespectful. I am always on time or atleast 15 mins early. I hate being late also.

I've learned to say we have to leave 15 min before we actually have to go. I have a funny story though on a person who told her friend the party started an hour earlier because she was always late and the friend actually showed up on time whenhe was in the shower.