How Late Is Considered Rude?

I teach my son "Being late teaches others that you do not respect them or their time." So, I live by the same "code" about being on time. I do think that general rules of etiquette are not valued and we are too much of a "Me first" society. In addition, the moment I know I will not be on time I call or text based on what makes the most sense. I have a play date friend who is ALWAYS late, makes me nuts, maybe it's the same person. I try to start the play date at HER house that way it starts on time.

If I'm going somewhere and I know I will be over 5 minutes late, I either call or text them to let them know. If I'm expecting someone and they are late, I think it's rude if they don't call when they are around 10 minutes late. Some people are just rude and have no common sense.

I think more then a few minutes late, is rude. Traffic and other legitimate things can really effect promptness. In those cases, I think it's most polite to call and inform the host. I'm not perfect, I have been late, but I also hate the thought of people waiting for me. I don't really have any chronically late friends. It would drive me crazy.

You have a rude friend. (Note: next time assign her the dessert and start eating on time!)
I think it's a leap to make a blanket statement like we are "losing general consideration of others, and their time"!
If anything, I think texts, cell phones, smart phones, etc. are making people MORE accountable!

In the case of a habitually late friend, you might consider putting it out there. That you feel your time is valuable as well, and when you make a commitment, you try to honor it....depends on the depth of your friendship.

yeah an hour late is very rude! to me if i know im going to be more then 5 mins late i call just so people arent waiting on me.

You ARE NOT OLD SCHOOL!!!! Society wants us to "be nice" - well - show up on time and BE NICE!!!

I am of the opinion that being late - even 5 minutes - is rude, inconsiderate and downright disrespectful. ESPECIALLY to dinner functions!! You are sooo right - meals are PLANNED AND TIMED. URGH!!! Growing up for me? Late was NOT an option. Not for school, work, etc. If I went out partying the night before - too freaking bad I only got 3 hours of sleep - I'm an adult. I knew what my schedule was. GET UP.

I would have pressed on without them. I know many would think that is rude. But if you (not YOU but GENERALIZED YOU) don't have the common decency to pick up the phone and call to say "hey - we're stuck in traffic" or whatever your excuse is - then I don't HAVE to wait for you.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. So if you are late to a function that I am hosting? I will proceed without you if you don't have the decency to call.

My husband's entire family (everyone on the family tree) is ALWAYS late. It's kinda a cultural thing, they call it "Assyrian time." I do find it rude, but my parents were always late too. Until I met my husband, I was always on time. Now, I have to wait for him, so I am also late. Grrrr!!

In the age of text messages, it is EXTREMELY easy to give a heads-up that you'll be late. "Hi Sue, this is Karen. Sorry, we are having a tough time getting out of the house--we'll be about 30 min late" And DEFINITELY never assign habitual latecomers the appetizers! Desserts only!!

ETA: Because I KNOW that my husband is always late, I tell my family and friends to put the start time 1 hour earlier on OUR invitation so that hubby THINKS the event starts at 5, when it really starts at 6. Shhh--he doesn't know that we do this :)

Oh my gosh and hour late? That is way too late.. If they knew they were going to be late they should have called and said, "we are going to ... minutes late.. "

Or

"We are really behind schedule.. please go ahead and eat without us, we are on our way.. terribly sorry.. "

And the playgroup, they should have called..

But to be known for being late, I would be mortified.. It is such a selfish action..

I am late.
All the time.
I don't do it on purpose. I try very hard to be on time.
But something always happens. Ok not always but 80% of the time. Something happens. Whether the keys aren't where I thought they were, or I can't find my phone, or the kids can't find both shoes, etc . SOMETHING happens. That extra 15 mins that I put on the front of us leaving turns into 10 mins late. Now I've never been an hr late. but from those of us that are late , it's not like we try to be late. Stuff just happens. It's impossible to predict everything that will gum up the works.

I'm 'old school' too. I believe the same as Kristina and many others, being prompt (and communicating to others when lateness is unavoidable) is important to me.

I've spent the last two years teaching this to my son. Every day, we leave on time to get to preschool so he can be there at the start. We are trying to teach him to be respectful of the entire classroom community and that we are only one part of that group.

I have one friend who is chronically late. I know this, and know she has a harder time some days with managing her time. I also know that some of this is out of her control--and she's pretty awesome, so I keep this in mind for our dates. And if she's going to be just too late, she's cool about understanding that it might not work out. There's some give and take, and I'm not throwing away one of my best friends over it. But if she just didn't call at all....well, I don't think we'd have become such good friends to begin with.

Incidentally, I don't know if it's really generational-- my father is a bad one for being on time. Really bad. I now remind him to call when he's about an hour away when he's planning to visit-- otherwise, I can be sitting and waiting for three hours. :(

If you're going to be an hour late, why even show up?

I think it depends on the circumstance, frequency of the tardiness, and the amount of the time they are late. In general, if someone misses the bulk or main part of the vent, then yes, it's definitely inconsiderate, and I wonder why they'd come for the tail end of it. If they're 10 or 20 minutes late because junior puked all over his shirt & needed a bath, that's another story.

If they are habitually late, then I'd probably stop inviting them altogether, and/or definitely stop assigning them a "duty" to help with event. If they asked why, I'd be honest & tell them it's because they couldn't get there on time. I also wouldn't bother waiting to start the event (eating dinner, watching a movie, etc.), especially because that person couldn't bother to be on time & use some consideration.

I wonder how adults that are habitually late function in life - how they keep a job? Get their kids to school or activities on time? Doctor's appointments? The list goes on and on. It's not that hard to plan ahead & get somewhere on time. I think when you are habitually late, it tells the world that you are disorganized, a poor planner, and a little bit self absorbed & entitled. If I can be on time, so can anyone else. There is really no excuse for it. And it's a really bad example for your kids.

It can also be a cultural thing. In certain circles, it is considered rude to show up on time. If the invitation says 5pm - then showing up at 6pm is okay. I have been a Pampered Chef rep. for 20 years and ran into this in the hispanic community. It is considered quite acceptable to show up an hour late for a Pampered Chef show in the hispanic community. So - we fixed that - if it is a 2pm show - we write down 1pm!

I'm chronically late, and yes, it is rude. I try to be on time, but it never seems to work as planned. So, I'm often late, and my friends all know this. If it's more than a few min, I do call or text.

People who are constantly early really irk me. To me, it's also rude to be early, as it implies that the host should be running ahead of schedule so that the meeting, party or task at hand can begin immediately upon the early bird's arrival and that all preparations are complete early.

For your "maybe" on the playdate, I'm not sure that not showing required a call. If she'd said, "maybe" that implies uncertainty. It would've been nice to call, but you also should've known after a few min that "maybe" was "no" yesterday.

Update:
Regarding your SWH and your mother teaching you about dinner party guests arriving 15 minutes late, it is a rule that is referred to as "fashionably late." It irks me when people show up to general parties exactly on time; I always think "what happened to 'fashionably late.'" I'm not making that rule up, seriously.

Update....here's the Emily Post Rule on Fashionably late. Turns out that in some areas it's common to be up to 1/2 hr late for a dinner party:
http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/09/being-fashionably-l...

Ditto Kristina M. Lateness is an action that speaks louder than words.

I assume that if the invite says 5pm, then dinner is served shortly thereafter. And if you are in charge of bringing apps and show up an hour late, that is pretty crappy. For my parties, I say "eating at noon, feel free to come as early as 11am". Or whatever. Once we (all 5 of us) were invited to a work bbq for my hubbys job. It was at a very nice house, hosted by his manager. Well, it said it started at 1pm. I thought that was a little late for a bbq but thought everything would be ready to eat when we got there...ah no, he literally showed up right after 1pm (it wasn't his house) with all the meat and food and THEN started to set up the food and cook it!!! I thought we were going to die! I walked right over and popped open a bag of chips and we all started eating them. I think people are so rude when they are late to things. If you are going to me more than 10 minutes past the invite time, I think a call or text is necessary and a GOOD excuse. Just my opinion but its very disrespectful to the hostess and other guests.

I am with all of you and can't stand the "late gene" as we call it here! My BIL was even late to our wedding. He was the best man. Luckily it was a small more informal wedding but he's caught hell for it from me ever since.

We now tell him an time one hour earlier for all family functions and such. Always. He's still usually 15 minutes late. One year for Christmas we all got him watches..those $10 ones from Target. He did not appreciate the humor.

I used to be late probably half the time to functions I was invited to, but never more than ten minutes or so without calling. My husband is of the mindset that if you're not ten minutes early, you're late. Took me a while to get used to, but now I'm the same way, and can't stand when the same people are late to everything all the time.

I guess I learned it (being late) from my mom, who is usually AT LEAST 20 minutes late, sometimes closer to an hour, to 90% of the things we invite her to. It embarrasses me when she's late to a function at the home of someone in my husband's family. (They usually ask me, "Where's your mom?" Like I have any control over it!) I've started telling her that the start time is a half hour earlier than it really is. She HAS finally started calling to say she will be late, so I guess you could call that improvement...but, if she's supposed to be over at 6:00, she'll call at 6:00 to say she's going to be late, and she'll be there in 15 minutes; and then she'll show up 30 minutes later. Grrr.

I'm with you on this, I hate it when people are late. I always try to be right on time or 5 min early. I think people who are late have a control issue. I developed this attitude because of my MIL. Anyway, I was wondering about your comment, "when I was growing up, you would never show up more than 15 min late" WHAT!!!!! Late is late, and 15 minutes is annoying also!! When we have family get togethers, we always ask the "late" people to bring stuff that is really not required at the beginning of the meal. And we eat the meal when it's time. We don't wait for anyone. Then when they come in, and the food is gone, well, there you go.

People being late is one of my biggest pet peeves! I find it very rude.

There is no reason for anyone to not call if they are going to be late. Before cell phones were available to everyone I can see how they couldn't call, but now there isn't any excuse.

As for someone who has a baby under 1.. that still isn't an excuse. Many of us when our kids were infants still made it places on time. People just need to plan their time better.

You know that they can make it places on time... or they would never get into a doctor appt.

People being late is one of my pet peeves. As far as I'm concerned arriving after a predetermined time without calling is rude... doesn't matter how late.

I deal with this on a regular basis with daily members. They invite us for a holiday dinner and arrive 2 hours later. And we are the only ones with kids and traveling for 3 hours!!! Drives me bananas.

I'm with you~

I would be irked! Lateness bothers me, but sadly I've come to expect it more than not. Some people seriously don't know how to be on time. For me, the defining factor between a disorganized person and rudeness is whether or not the person calls/texts/etc to say they will be late. If they are aware of being late, let me know, and are apologetic, then I can let it go. For the habitually late people in my life, I factor in their tardiness to the start time, or if it's a group thing, I tell them we might have to start without them (if it's a good friend who won't take offense). However, if someone doesn't even bother to let me know what's going on when we have scheduled plans, then I usually don't make much of an effort to get together with them often.

Beyond 15 minutes is very rude. Consider accounting for traffic and you have your 15 minutes rule. Anything beyond that requires a phone call ahead of time and an apology from the person who is late. I'm a stickler for being on time. Everyone who knows me knows this. My husband, not so much and our families know this too so when they tell him to give me a message on what time to be at a family function they always tell him 30 minutes to an hour earlier than we're supposed to be somewhere. I'm aware of this but he's not. I have to keep it that way. Yet he gets pissed off when people are even five minutes late for one of our functions.

I don't think it's a generic "we" that are losing consideration for others. I think that there really are people who just aren't prioritizing being on time at the top of their lists. Some people aren't good at keeping track of time and don't have a great grasp of how time passes. My husband and eldest daughter are like this and I honestly think it's a lot to do with ADD/ADHD (which my daughter has and I'm certain my husband has).

I also have friends that are always VERY late and it drives me insane. They live about 70 miles from us and they often leave their house at the time they are supposed to arrive at mine. They were 45 minutes late to my son's bday party last weekend and it was only a two hour party. I get very frustrated.

As for me, pre-kids, I was always on time. rarely was I even five minutes late. Now, I hate to say it, but I am often 10-15 minutes late and I feel awful, angry, annoyed at myself every time.

I think for something like playgroup at a park, it's ok to be late or not come. But, if someone is hosting the group at their home, I think there needs to be communication.

When you have the beginning of a dinner to bring, and you don't bring it until after the dinner should be over, I'd say there's a problem, yes. It's good to call if you're going to be more than five minutes late, whatever the reason, or even if you're going to be less than five minutes late.

That said, it's up to you to decide whether you want to forgive habitual late people and stay friends with them. A few years ago we had friends who were always, always, always late. They would be late to their own funerals, I think. I don't know why they couldn't get their act together. But they always brought the dessert, not the appetizer! They were such great folks in every other way that the thought of dropping them as friends was unthinkable. We just knew what to expect and what not to expect.

If, however, such a tardy friend didn't show up for a play group, I don't think I'd invite her to the next one. I wouldn't change the play schedule for her.

I was invited to breakfast this morning with all the other moms that I used to be on the PAC with. The breakfast was at 8am.....NO ONE bothered to call me and tell me it was cancelled. Good thing I brought a friend with me. I was upset that just yesterday it was confirmed and then no one called. I am never late, I cannot stand when people are late. Takes two seconds to make a phone call!!

I agree with you . . . it's my pet peeve too. Why can't people just do what they're supposed to do, when they're supposed to do it? If there's a major problem - CALL! Otherwise show up on time.

ETA: I'm not completely buying the neurological argument either (seen below). My son and I are scattered, unorganized, head-in-a-cloud people most of the time, but neither of us are late for things. In fact I'd say we're more anxious about it than most people.

you are right.
and i (the perpetually late person) am wrong.
it's rude and unacceptable and there are no excuses for it.
the 'maybe' is a different matter. maybe means 'might not' so i don't think she was being rude or inconsiderate in that case.
but old school when it comes to promptness is a good thing. fortunately my kids have their father as an example of how to do it right. interestingly, one son is just like him, ie always a few minutes early, the other is more like me, though after a lifetime of me running around shrieking frantically 'DON'T GROW UP TO BE LIKE ME!!!' he's not AS bad.
:) khairete
S.

It's nothing new. I have an aunt (age 61) a SIL (age 50) and a long time friend (age 45) who are like this and always have been. And yes it drives me crazy! I love all three of these women but it's like they float through life in their own personal time zone!!!
Luckily most of the people I know are not like this. I really think it's a personality trait or something. I mean, if I am late for something, none of these women care, they just laugh and say, oh well I'm glad you made it.
p.s. I personally make sure if any of these women are asked to bring food to a function at my house it's ALWAYS dessert, lol!

It used to bug me, but I have since done some reading and research, my mom is SO bad at this that I was concerned! And, I found out that some people's brains don't work with an internal clock the same way that a normal person's does. It also has to do with how well they sleep, the cyrcadian rhythm, and other neurological factors. I know that some of it is habitually learned, like my husband, but when it runs in families, we should look at the reason. I think there truly is a genetic component to it. I don't mind too much, but again, if I know that something is going to be at a certain time, I will tell my family 30 - 60 minutes earlier. My two year old is showing the same symptoms and it is going to drive me bonkers and put me in the funny farm! But, I am hoping that with mommy's help she will be able to be a little better by the time she is a grown up. My sister thought I was late all the time because of me until she watched her for me while I was recovering from my son's birth. She got it then. Who knew a kid could make you so late so often, even when you do everything else right?

I am with you. If you are going to be an hour or more late, don't bother coming. My sister is the queen of late. She even shows up to work an hour and a half late...frequently. I don't know how she doesn't get fired.

If we are going to be at the same party, I refuse to go together. I will not let her make me late. I can see 10- 15 minutes, but any more than that forget it. If it's not important enough for you to be there on time, don't bother coming. Seriously, it's not that hard. I know it takes about an hour for us to get around, so I start a hour and a half before we have to go. Any complications that come up, well we have plenty of time to deal with it.

I agree with you, it's simply rude. I grew up in a household that ran like clockwork, though. My parents are sticklers for being on time, such that even on Sundays when we went to church, we were 30 minutes EARLY and the first to sit our butts in the pews. Now that is ridiculous, but whatever. I do know the value of time and frankly, I can honestly say that it is a very, very rare day that I am late for anything, unless it is beyond my control (traffic accident and such). We do have friends that sometimes show up to events 1/2 to one hour late. But our get-togethers are very low key, usually barbecues, and so eating times can be shifted. Honestly, although I'm rarely late, I try not to let late-comers bother me too much. :)

OMG it is my biggest pet peeve. If I am ever late it is because I am stuck in
traffic. If I might, just might be a few minutes late I call. 99.9% of the time,
I am early. I have no patience for those that are continually late!

I dont think most people are rude, but some are. This helps you to pick your friends, they are either worth their inconvenience or they aren't.

It happens a lot. Recently we had a birthday party for my 10 YO daughter. Two of the girls came together and they were 15 mins late. The other girl came 30-45 mins late. Considering that the party was only 2 hours this messed up our schedule and we couldn't contact the other parent to ask if their kids could stay longer.

We had another time where a parent came by to pick up their daughter after a movie. I estimated that the movie would be over around 3 but we weren't home until 3:15. When the parent's showed up at 2:50 my husband told the parents that they could come inside and wait or do some shopping and pick up their (13 YO) daughter later. My husband said they could come back around 4-4:30pm. They came at 6:30pm!!! They showed up and gave no reason for their lateness, etc. Unbelievable!

I think a lot of people are clueless or truly believe they are the center of the universe.

Hey, do we have the same bff???

Mine does not have a single hair on her body that is type "A". She is late to every thing she plans.

I have learned to tell her the event starts earlier than it really does if she needs to be on time.

One time I had dental appointments in the north side of OKC at 10am. I told her we needed to leave my house by 9am to get there on time. She picked us up on time but then stopped to change her oil and do a couple of other errands. Figured we had plenty of time. We were late and it was the last appointment of the day. I took off work and the kids missed school so she could change her oil. I was more than annoyed at that time.

I had to come to the realization that she was just one of those people. Those who you are glad when you see them but you just don't expect them at all. You will feel better and not be so annoyed with them all the time.

OMG I hate being late! I am teaching my 4 year old that being late is rude an inconsiderate. For example being late to her gymantics class disrupts the class so we should always be on time etc....

Since I am often organizationally challenged I will try to leave about 10 minutes earlier than I need to so I am not late. Then when I get out the door aboute1 minute before the time I have to leave or else be late I make it right on time.

My husband is chronically late, and it makes me nuts. The other day my daughter told him he was being rude by being late and it took all my will power not to burst out laughing!

I know there are a lot of responses, but I just had to add my two cents. The possiblity of being late is the biggest source of my stress. My mom was and is late to everything. So I was late to almost everything growing up - parties, dance lessons, school functions (thank goodness I took the bus to school), etc. Her own family would tell her that things started an hour before they did. With kids there are times when being late is just unavoidable, but if we are going to be more than 10 minutes late I call.

A friend of mine is consistently late. I have learned to work around it and plan accordingly, but I do find it rude. If I need help with childcare and being somewhere on time, say a doctor's appointment, I don't ask her. It's too bad because she is the person I trust most to care for my children, but not to help us out in a crunch.

The same people run late to work everyday. I walk in to work with the same group of people every morning and we are all late! Our policy allows us 2 minutes and we take it. At the same time, I leave up to the maximum of 7 minutes late all the time. I don't have a customer window and cannot call customers until 8:00 a.m., so it just isn't that important to me.

On the other hand, my sister is always late for our dinners. We ask her to bring things that are not that important, like water mellon.

When we were growing up things have changed drastically. Mothers stayed home more often, people have careers now. Children now has special events everyday. I didn't have these opportunities when I was in grade school. Maybe, basketball practice twice a week and girls scouts once a week after school. Children have ADHD and need to take time to medicate them since most children tend to refuse their mediacations. I think an hour is fashionably accepatable. It gives the host more time to prep on last minute touches. Plus I HATE going to a place and be the first person there, which is always awkward for me. Although, your friend should give you a call if she can't make it.

Haven't read the other answers yet, but I will throw this in: sometimes it's cultural. In otherwords I will be careful so I do not single anyone or anyplace out, but some countries, towns and cities and people have different attitudes about being on time. They might be on time for work always, but do not show up for social events on time. It is maddening. And for some well known 'late' people in our lives we actually shove the time ahead so they don't do this.
Yes, there are very rude people about a lot of things these days. Some don't even show up at all and wonder why you are mad. Then three weeks later they stop by unannounced. grrrr
General rules of etiquette should apply, but we do often have different rules. In one country it is polite to bring a small elephant as a token of their appreciation, another offers their sons or daughters for future engagements and we might stop by with a bottle of wine. So, now that you know how your friend is you can either a) not invite her b) make sure appetizers are brought by someone else and or c) realize that maybe it isn't her fault, maybe hubby makes her late and she has had fights behind the scenes with him a million times, maybe it's a bad coincedence a couple of times or maybe just maybe despite all this etiquette we realize everyone is human and cars break down, people get stuck on toilets and we can forgive them. They get up and go on and us fuming doesn't help our own health.

Hi Julia G. Unless something has went terribly wrong five minute is the max. for being late. I think It's very rude. People like this are very inconsiderate. However, I bet if she gave something she would want everyone to be on time!!!! I know this to be true because I know some people like this. So if they can't show up on time or at least call than don't agree to bring something. Or just quit inviting them to events and maybe they will get the message.

Oh you're not being old fashioned, people ARE rude & inconsiderate these days & the sad thing is that they're teaching their kids to be the same way! I could go on & on about it but the main thing is, as long as YOU're doing right, that's the main thing. It's up to the host to reprimand the late arrivals but you're right, they SHOULD call if they're going to be late or not show up. I too grew up w/proper etiquette & find it annoying when I'm so polite to others & they could care less to reciprocate. Good luck!