Happy Time Turned Sad

Most importantly CONGRATULATIONS! You have raised two children on your own for the last 8 years with a broken heart and two children who likely needed a lot of love to get through the loss of a parent.

Your children are reacting in a selfish, but typical manner for teenagers. You do not need to justify any of this to them. They are likely afraid that the husband will replace them and may even be worried about more kids (not sure how old you both are).

Let's be candid... in the next few years they will be off to college and you deserve the warmth and companionship of a spouse. They probably haven't thought about that.

I have not been through this, but I good friend of mine has. Your fiance probably did not do this, but should- he should have asked your children for their blessing (not permission). You may be best to do this together now. Sit them down (alone) and explain that you have worked very hard to raise them, you love them very much, and you will always love their father. You have them because of the love you two shared. Then be honest about how lonely it is without someone to share your life with. Don't ask their permission to be happy, but ask their blessing. I would also have your fiance do the same.

They are teens, so they are going to be resistant, but their are likely feeling left-out of the whole experience. Encourage them to get involved with the wedding when they are ready, but don't delay your wedding plans or happiness because they are giving you a hard time. They will come around eventually.

Time heals all wounds. I would sit them down again, maybe with a family picture of their dad and explain how you feel to them. That if dad were still alive you would still be with him and so on...and that how this new man will not replace their father...each love is different and unique...and instead of being angry (which lords knows can be a challenge with teens)be honest, tell them why you want to get married, why it's important to you. Ask them why they're angry/upset and listen and most of all be patient. Your kids will come around, they want you to be happy...but put yourself in their shoes...you lost a partner, they lost a parent. One of by very dear friends just passed a couple of months ago leaving his wife and 3 daughter's 15, 12 and 8...I can't even imagine how horrible that feels as a child...and even though your children may have seemed okay with your dating, marriage is much more permanent. just sit down with them, be honest...tell your son how much his anger is hurting you...they'll come around. Good luck and CONGRATS!!! You deserve to be happy, don't forget that!!!

Congrats on your up coming marriage. It's a big change after doing it all alone for so long and I think that's what your kids are reacting to .... a big change. No one likes change especially kids. They look at the situation and think 'hey since we've been 6 and 9 we've been a unit that's been ok. why do we need to change this?' They think of how their own life will be impacted by this instead of thinking about what you've gone through.

Of course the flip side is that they don't get to make the decissions in your life. Your 17 yr old will be off to college in the blink of an eye and your 14 yr old isn't far behind. While your children will always be the highest priority in your life there will be a time when they are not around constantly so you need to have your own life and happiness that isn't dependent on them.

You, being the adult here, look at the situation thinking 'geeze! i give you everything! i've done everything alone for a long time. i deserve to be happy and this man makes me happy. BE HAPPY FOR ME DAMN IT!'But they can't be happy for you because being children they are too absorbed in their own 'how is this going to impact me' world.

Give it a couple days and then sit down with the kids to address their questions and concerns. Let them know how happy you are and how you wish they could be happy for you.

Best of luck.

I hope they just need time to adjust. I am going through a similar thing. Just got engaged - divorced 4 yrs ago - plan to marry next year. My 10 yr old daughter is thrilled, 11 yr old son is ok. We are staying in same area. But his sons who are 24 and 27 are not happy as their childhood home will be sold. I look forward to your advice responses... Good Luck!

Sketchy info to go on but I can try to offer advice. How do the kids feel about your intended and have you spoken to them about your moving on?
It is extremely important for the kids to feel you respect their feelings but at the same time it is important for them to know that you have a life, they will get older and leave you, then what? Try to explain to them (alone) that you are never going to abandon them and will be there for them in their endeavours. Make sure that your fiance understands that and provide boundaries for him as well as the children because loyalties will become an issue. If you all cannot work it out among yourselves, do seek a family counselor. I suggest you never give up your dreams because regret is a killer and you will become resentful. Try to find common ground so all can be satisfied.
Good Luck!!
J. S

C.,

First of all, congratulations on your engagement! It's a real shame that your children aren't happy for you, and are "raining on your parade". However, you have to remember that, in their eyes, you are repacing their father with someone else, which is no doubt bringing back a lot of the hurt that they felt when they lost him.

At 14 and 17, I think that they're definitely old enough for you to sit them down and explain to them that this new man in your life is, in no way, expecting to replace their father.

Explain to them that you will always love their father, even though he's gone, and you know that they will never feel that he is a father to them, but perhaps he can at least be a friend to them.

Explain to them that you're lonely for adult company, even though you still have them,, and that that feeling will only get worse as time passes, as they go out with their friends more, go to college, and move out on their own.

They also may be a bit jealous about sharing you with him, and may be afraid that they will get less of your attention, once you marry him. You need to explain to them that they will ALWAYS come first in your life, even if you marry another man, but that, once they leave home, you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone, and that their father wouldn't want you to.

Once the two of you are married, I would caution him not to start right in correcting them or discipling them for any reason, but to leave that to you. And make it clear to them that although they may not be happy with the situation, you expect them to at least be polite to him, and give him a chance to be their friend, if not a father figure to them.

I think that if you are honest with them, and explain your feelings to them in an adult way, that in time, they may come to accept him as a father figure, but it can't be forced, and is just going to take some time.

They obviously loved their father very much, but remember that they love you as well, and are probably frightened of losing you too, even though its not happening in the same way. Make sure to give them lots of extra attention, and try to include them in lots of things that you and your new husband do, but don't make it mandatory. Give them a chance to learn to love him on their own, without forcing the issue.

I think that, if you don't force the issue, and he treads very carefully with them, and leaves the disciplining to you, in time they will accept him and learn to care for him too.

While this makes perfect sense to us as adults, you have to remember that even though they're rapidly growing up, they are still children, and such an adjustment in their lives is very scary for them, since they're probably afraid of losing you too. Once they see that that isn't going to happen, and that they still come first in your life, I think that things will turn out just fine....its just going to take a bit of time.

Good luck, and I hope you have a long and happy marriage!

D.

Hi C.,

First of all, congratulations! This is and can still be a happy time in your life.

I did not have quite the same situation. My children's father and I got divorced. My children were still pretty young when I got married again. They were 7 1/2 and 5. It was still an adjustment for everyone though.

I would guess your children are mainly worried that a) Once you are married you will forget about them and b) Your upcoming marriage will somehow lessen their connection with their late father. They may not have totally finished grieving the loss of their father either. Have they ever been for counseling? Have you ever gone for counseling with them?

How do they get along with your fiance? Is he understanding? He will need to be patient with them and let them work out their feelings about him and the upcoming changes on their timetables. I learned that my children's adjustment when I got married again could not happen on my or my husband's timetable.

I have found that when there is any change, I do my best to re-assure my children and be supportive when they articulate their worries and fears. If they are not talking to me I let them know that I am there for them when they are ready and that when we are doing things as a family they have to at least be respectful and are not allowed to hold the family hostage because they are upset. So, for example, when we would plan an outing, my son was the one that would act up. I would let him know that he could not make the outing unpleasant for the rest of us and that he could behave or give up the outing and stay home and do nothing. That usually worked. I know your son is much older, but some modification of that may work. He is entitled to his feelings and is entitled to time and space to work through them. He is not entitled to behave disrespectfully to you and your fiance or make things unpleasant for you.

Maybe all four of you could attend family therapy together before the wedding? That could ease the transition and work through any possible issues beforehand. I am sure your daughter will be fine with reassurances especially if you are staying in the same place, and that your son will come around eventually. At the very least he can't not talk to you forever!

Good Luck!

J.

Hi C.,
I'm sorry kids are so selfish! It can't be helped, no matter how we raise them.

Sorry, that may have been a bit harsh, but I guess I'm going by your frustration.

I have 4 children, each with their own father, and have raised them almost completely by myself. I have had no help from fathers, but 1, and very little help from my parents.

Three of us were alone and doing well, until I met the father of my last child. I got pregnant, relocated to be with him (2 1/2 hours away from our hometown)- with the kids, and they all hated it. I grew to hate it too, so I moved back to my own area. To make matters worse, his daughter from a previous marriage didn't get along with my kids. Responsibility for her was pushed on me to take care of her for days at a time (while he worked), and pushed onto my kids to entertain her and to tolerate her disrespecting my rules and my home. When something didn't go her way, she threw a fit and created big problems with everyone, and the blame was put on me, (pregnant, out of my home, trying to fit 2 adults and 4 kids into a 1 bedroom apartment, and very limited money) and we were very happy to come back home, without him.

I raised my last baby almost a year and a half before her father decided to move up here to be with us. I chose not to sacrifice my happiness or my childrens again - and keep what we had rebuilt together, so he moved in with us.

He is still here, my children like him, we all get along well, this try. Our little one is almost 3.

I am not sure how to feel about having his daughter come into my home, even to visit. We are planning to bring her up this weekend, and am hoping things go well this time. I am trying to be optomistist and hope she has matured a little bit, and hopefully, her dad will stick by me this time and demand she obey my house rules, and not spend all of our money on her this weekend!

Your kids will come around, they just have to get used to the idea that your happiness counts [and should come first, in order for them to be happy], and the world does not revolve solely around them.

Let them think about it for a couple days if they have to, and ask them if they have questions and be available for questions; about changes, how they feel about him, be honest about how you feel about him, remember to stress how happy he makes you!

You deserve to be happy and to live your life with someone at your side! your children have been happy while you have been happy with them, but alone and don't want to be alone anymore.

I understand this, it will take time for your children to also.

Be patient with them, this is a big change for them and will take some adjustment time.
good luck

Hi C.,

Congratulations!!! Try not to let them get to you they are teenagers it's their job to be selfish. I am sure they want you to be happy and just need time to process this and accept it. My mom was not a widow but my parent's were divorced when I was 16. I also hated my stepfather. Not because he did anything just because he was not my dad and was going to be with my mom. One bit of advice, do not shove it down their throat, do not be lovey dovey in front of them, and insist that they are respectful even if they are angry. In time they will come to accept it and it will not bother them to see mom with another man but I can tell you it is difficult to see. I am speaking from experience. My skin would crawl if I saw my mom kiss him, hold his hand, I just wanted him to go away. I was 16 so being a teenager I am sure is probably one of the worst ages to bring a stepfather into the picture. Just remember you deserve to be happy, in a few years they will be off to college and have their own lives. They are not going to sit home with you while you are all alone. So do let them win. If you know this is the right man for you and he makes you happy your children will come along. When they are ready. I know you are hurt because you probably expected them to say "Wow mom I am so happy for you" You have sacrificed so much for your kids and I am sure this is not the response you expected from them. But always remember you are the adult here they are still kids and at this point in their lives its all about them. Good luck, be patient, and have a wonderful life.

Hi Mom and Congratulations!

TRy not to blow.

I would say more than likely, your daughter is just at that ME stage. Worrying only about herself and how things affect her.

Your son is at that I am OUT OF HERE stage.
Thinking this man is not my father, he better not even try to act like my father,

And mad at you because he cant understand how you might possibly feel.

In all honesty, I would suggest that, you point blank make sure you get a prenup. make sure your fiance knows that what ever little bit you have will go to your kids.

And Make sure that your children know that just because your getting married , things really won't change that drastically in their lives.

Your son is 17 he will be at college soon.
and in 3-4 years he will graduate and get a place of his own.

Your daughter, has only 4 more years at home.
and she really is the one who needs to be reasure that no MAJOR changes will take effect.

Last but not least you need to talk to you fiance, and see what changes he expects to happen or NOT happen.

its important, that the kids know where they stand before the marriage happens,

and that its not the tragedy that they think it will be.

As for your son, why not take a day off from work and duke it out with him.

Make him talk to you when no one else is in the house.
this way you can both be honest.

Last little bit, I wanna say is that i hope you are marrying for the right reasons.

Genuine affection for eachother. and NOT simply because you dont' want to be alone.

Your son may see something you don't

I just wanna make sure you don't sell yourself short.
though I am sure your a great judge of character.

Hope my opinion and suggestions help a bit

Good luck and best wishes for your impending nuptiuals.

M

So sorry you are having this problem...especially since it should be a happy time for you...

It's clear your children need more time to adjust to all of this....

You also haven't mentioned how long you have been dating this person...Have the children spent any quality time with this person??? If not, have a long engagement, giving them time to get to know one another...

Keep the door of communication opened with the children....insist they both sit down to talk to you....listen to how they feel and why they are objecting to your engagement and re-marrying.
Let them know you appreciate how they feel and what they are telling you. Let them know you have a right fall in love, re-marry and to be happy too...but you would like to have their blessings....you want them to be happy for you and ask them to reconsider it all...ask them to spend time with this person you have chosen...to get to know them better before judging them and your future together...

In my family this happened with the next generation....
2 years after my dad passed...Mom started dating. She met my step-dad and started bringing him around. I had all kinds of mixed feeling seeing her with another man other then my dad....but I saw she was happy and decided to give this Vinny a chance....he turned out to be a wonderful step-dad for 18 years. Then Mom passed...about two years after Vinny began dating again. My sister called to invite me to a family dinner....she said, brace yourself, Vinny is bringing a women he is very serious about... I got there early to help my sister prepair. She sent me up stairs to deal with her 3 children (((two teenages and a 10 year old))) who were rejecting not only this women but refusing to be at this dinner. They were all very close to Vinny and just couldn't handle the situation. So I went up stairs, sat and talked to them. I listened while they went on and on about no one was going to replace grandma, or take Vinny away from them, no way were they coming down to dinner. I told them nothing would change Vinny's love for them, that their relationship with him was very special and reminded them, how Vinny shares his heart with all of us.. I then asked if they love Vinny...They said yes...I then asked if they want Vinny to be happy...they said yes. I said, Well, he hasn't been happy since Grandma passed, so now he has met someone again who makes him happy.....we who love Vinny and want him to be happy in his person life, have to except and respect his choice and give this women a chance...and who knows, she might turn out to be great. No one responded so I then said, how do you think Vinny will feel when he walks in this house and your not down there greeting him with love or at the dinner table sharing in his joy????? I then said...Your choice to make kids....see ya down stairs in an hour and I walked out of the room. The door bell rang and the 3 of them came flying down the steps, yelling we'll get the door....
The door opened and I got blown away...this women looked just like my mother....lol. Anyway, the next 12 years She, her children, and grandchildren became extended family...and then Vinny passed on...and this women finally remarried and we all went to that wedding too....etc. etc. etc...

Nothing in life comes easy. Mom used to say, When something starts off hard, it ends well....Take your time. Find out what your childrens issues are about this and communicate with them....
Good luck and keep us posted...

I would try to address this a different way than some of the others who have given advise. Yes, while they are old enough to 'get over it', they, and you, will still have to deal with a blended family for at least another 4-5 years, so it does involve everyone in the family for quite some more time.

You don't mention much about your fiancee. Does he get along with your children? Were he and the kids fine before the engagement? How did they take you 'dating' this man? These are all questions that need answers before anyone can pass judgment or give accurate advise. Anyone stating the kids should just "get over it" without knowing how the kids feel about this man, is just stupid advise.

If you're kids and your fiancee have always had issues, this may be the time to find out why. Do they think he is taking the place of their father? Are they concerned in the way he treats you? Does he have children they don't get along with? Is this a fairly new relationship going really fast? Has he been involved with the children much? Have you been dating for a long time?
These are all valid points which need to be addressed.

If you haven't been dating this man long, give them time and maybe slow down the process a little bit. Start off by staying at each others house, then living together, then the full force moving in and then finally the wedding. Just because you fell head over heals for the man in a short amount of time doesn't mean your kids have to.

On the other hand, if they have no had issues until the announcement of the engagement, or if you have been with the man for a long time and you believe they should have adjusted by now, it may be a plain case of fear of change. Yes, it has been only the three of you for so long, but if the children, no matter how old they are, are scared of change, then it is your responsibility as the parent to help this through this. NOT just say 'oh well, this is how it's going to be' and leave it at that.

Don't get me wrong, yes, you deserve to be happy, but you also need to take into consideration what is best for the children. As some state, in reality they are going to be out of the house in 4-5 years...why would you want to make this the worse years they are going to remember.

I will state I am a little bias on this subject. When I was younger, my mother married a man whom me and my brother did not get along with. Although she didn't want to be alone, and he made my mom 'happy' as she put it, he just couldn't get along with us kids. Mind you I was 13 and my brother was 8 when they started dating. Like you, she too raised us by herself for many years before he came around.

He was never abusive to any of us, but we never saw eye to eye on many things and life was terrible. After 3 years, and at the age of 16, I had finally had enough, and I guess so had he. He had my mom choose. Both of us could not live in the same house without causing havoc.

She didn't say straight out she chose him over me, but rather stated "He makes me happy and I'm not going to tell him to leave. You'll be gone soon enough anyways and should start being an adult". That night he once again started fighting with me and I left. Mind you my mom didn't stop me, he made her happy and she wasn't going to tell him to leave. Remember, I was only 16 years old.

I lost my mom because 'she wanted to be happy'. She could not see all the things he was doing like me and my brother could. She loved him, and that was all she cared about.

It has been 13 years now, she was still with him, and my brother went through a touch time last year and needed family support. My brother went to her for help, and once again, just like he did with me, my mothers husband gave her a choice, either my brother or him. Gladly, my mother chose my brother this time, and her divorce was finalized a couple months ago.

Please don't choose your man over your kids. Don't break that bond you have created over the last 8 years doing it by yourself.

Sit with the kids and find out why they feel this way! They may know or feel things you don't see being lovestruck with this man. He might be the best man in the world for you, and if so, I'm all happy for you. But please ... Don't stick it to your kids without knowing why they feel this way!

They are old enough to "get over it". It is your life and soon they will moving on to their life. You need to sit them down and explain that your fiance is NOT going to take the place of their father and that you will always love him, but you need to be happy also. I am sure your late husband would want you to be happy and you can tell them that too. tell them that this IS what you are going to do and they have a choice.. to be happy for you or to be spoiled and try to ruin it for you. Then it will be their problem on how to deal with it.
Counseling might help, but make sure it is a grief counselor that can help them realize you have the right to be happy.

Good luck and be firm. I have been widowed a long time and it is a lonely life.

C.,

Because you do not deny a child anything it does not mean that they do what you say.
They do what you say, because you are the parent and the adult with the most knowledge.
This becomes an executive desicion on your part.

But I would hear them out before I bring some man in their lives permentaly. You have to make sure they are safe and you're not making a decision because you're lonely and tired to be alone and will over look really bad flaws to have a man.

Men are different around kids than they are with their intended. You have to examine your on motives and listen to every argument the kids have and follow it thur to the end. If they have a point you have to consider it - it is their saftey and childhood that is at stake.

Also, you've been single for eight years.
That is going to be a lot of adjustment for you, the new man and the kids. Blended families fail at 75% the rate - first marriages at 50%. You have a lot to consider.

Dear C., Congrats on your engagement and yes I've somewhat been in your shoes. I was divorced for 6 years whan I met my second husband. My children were early teens, not happy initially. I let them have their time and then sat them down and explained that some day they would meet someone and want to leave me... that I would want happiness and love for them. I told kids that "we' would discuss with them any moves or changes. Thirty years and 2 more sons later we are a happy family. (older ones are married) Be patient with them. Also let them know this new man will not try to replace their dad. The two of you should also discuss rearing your children and how you will do this. You have my prayers, it is not easy but hopefully will work out well. They cannot run your life but let them know how important they are to you. Grandma Mary

Give it time. I just wanted to share a story with you. My mom has been widowed for about 12 years now. My father passed away in his early 50's. Well, needless to say myself and my two older siblings are adults and about 2 years ago my mom decided to "date" again. She was introduced to a man through mutual friends and she spent some time with him. She basically just wanted someone to go to dinner with and spend time with. Well, my brother FREAKED OUT. He was so angry as if my mom betrayed her marriage to my father. He's almost 5 years older than me. I am in my mid thirties NOW. So...my point is, clearly its traumatizing at ALL ages when your mom (who is a widow) moves on in anyway with another man. And your children are dealing with marriage here and they are much younger. It seems to have been harder on my brother than me and my sister, so maybe its just a male thing. My sister and I didn't love the idea of it, but we realized that my mom is still alive and life goes on. Thats ok. But we are adults and it still took a bit of time for us to be adult enough to accept that. Don't fight. Give them time and respect. If my 30 something year old brother had a problem with it I can only imagine what a 14 and 17 year old must feel. I'm sorry that you have to have sadness surround happiness, but try not to lose sight of the happy and if you just communicate and all work together, I'm sure eventually things will work out! Good luck and congratulations! BTW - I don't think my mom has "dated" anyone since that... : ( I guess it just all wasn't worth it for her. But you are young and have a long life ahead of you so I'm sure thing will work out and your children will come to realize and see you as a person and not just their mom. Thats a HARD thing to do -especially at their age. Try to look at it through their eyes and hopefully that will help in how you deal with it. I'm not sure expecting them to be all happy about it initially is a reality, but there has to be a point of mutual respect and understanding. Its not something that they will accept overnight, but if handled properly they will accept it! One more thing, just to maybe give you a better idea of how they ARE feeling - sorry for being so long - but your previous husbnad passed away, it wasn't just a divorce. Those children lost a father to death and will never see him again in this lifetime. That is different than a divorce IMO. It brings on many different thoughts and feelings, so from the standpoint of a child or who lost a parent (and at the time I was 23 yrs old not a child and it was still that difficult) and then the current reality of a mother who is a women with a life ahead of her, just the whole situation brought up feeling of mourning again. So please keep that in mind. It brought back into everyday life the reality that our father was gone, that their happy marriage was over b/c of death, that what we knew and were currently used to, even as adult children, was yet again about to change. When that reality of death is broght to the forefront of life again, b/c as you know, it never really goes away, its always on the back of the mind and heart, but when that reality is brought forward again, it opens the wounds again. For us, those changes weren't even drastic b/c we were all already out of the house and had our "own lives" So I don't think your kids are just being selfish, yes their is some of that, but they are probably also feeling a resurfaced mourning, uncertainty, fear, jealousy maybe, and just basic sadness.

I would have some questions too if you just sprung this guy on me as a teen or even if the guy was around. When you are a teen and the only parent you have is getting hitched, you feel so many emotions but everthing with you is emotional (comes with the teen territory). I wouldn't like him no matter what kind of nice guy he may be because my focus would be all about me.

Learn how to help them through this while having your happiness. You don't have to let them determine or intrude on your happiness but you have to also figure out how he and them can have a relationship.

Does this man have any relationship with your children at this point, if not he has some catchin' up to do and they have reason to be upset because they no nothing about this man. He will never be their father but he can be very valuable to them.

I current am engaged as well, I have one son, two neices, a nephew and my mother living with me. This man is taking on alot. He takes the time to get to know each of the children but demands their respect. The kids are learning to have fun with him but it hasn't been easy. We have been working at relationship for the last six months. They are finally realizing he isn't going anywhere, he cares about them just as much as he cares about me.

I know this can work out but you have to be willing to put in the work of establishing relationship. Hope this helps.