Heartbroken... - Baton Rouge,LA

Reading this bought a tear to my eye. My heart is broken for him- I can't image how you feel. My son is a bit of a loner, but it is by his choice- he likes to be alone. He used to have a really hard time finding something to talk about with other boys. He doesn't watch a lot of TV or play a lot of video games with seemed the other kids did- so he was always left out. He never knew what they were talking about. He found one boy in his class this year that also loves dragons so they spend most of the time drawing dragons and pretending to slay them on the playground. But his true passion is bugs..he has yet to find a "bug buddy".
You should definitely get him into a group activity- sports or other-if he is part of something that they all relate to, it might make it easier for him to fit in.
It would be good for you to see how he relates to other children so you can see why he is having trouble.

You just described my son. Only child and a loner for the most part. He comes home excited the days he has a friend at recess. But this is so rare. In fact he is usually the first to greet new kids because he is hoping they will be his new friend. Breaks My Heart!!

I have mine in sports and Cubs. He plays great with others during out of school hours and playdates but no friends at school. :( Knows all the kids but no bestfriends. He tells me they already have friends and don't need him. We are moving soon and he is very excited about a new school. I am hoping that solves his problem.

I am curious to see what others say.

As a mother your heart breaks for your kids, I know. I had a very extreme car accident as a child and nobody wanted to be my friend. I learned that I was something that I had to deal with or I would just be miserable. I grew from the experience. It is unfortunate that things like that happen! I think that you can encourage his intellectual growth. Let him explore himself and just watch the world around him. My daughter, now in college, used to be shunned by the other kids and now she is very, very intelligent. She loved playing her violin by herself because sometimes it is just easier to relate to yourself. She learned a lot about herself and different personality traits of other people. Try to put him in a karate class or some art class. If things don't work out for him then just let it be because he may find the happiness he needs in himself.

Get him involved in a sport or an art class. So it gives him confidence outside of school.
Maybe get a book how to make friends. Does he come across like a know it all? Does he make fun of others? Ask the teacher for your help. Are there any new students to could befriend. If I lived close to you I would invite your child over for a playdate with my kids.

Awww, I was that child too! My middle child is like that, and it breaks my heart too. I even though about putting her in another year of preschool before kindergarten so she could get the extra social experience before being thrown into 'big school', she isn't socially mature. All of a sudden, like literally overnight, she has become capable of 'sniffing out' the other painfully shy kids, and those are the children she befriends (so she ends up helping the other shy ones)... Think about it, how did YOU overcome your shyness? IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOUR SON TOO! For me, on family camping trips, my 2 little brothers would pal up leaving me lonely... I got over it and forced myself to make friends with other kids I saw on the playground or at the beach... Your son will overcome this. Try asking him to choose one of his friends to have over for dinner and playtime, and try picking different kids each time. One on one is far less scary that asking a group of kids to play! Best wishes and hugs!!

That is so tough! I do worry about those things with my kids too. Are you friendly with any of the other parents at his school or in the neighborhood? Maybe you could start organizing some playdates with just one or two kids from his class or maybe you could do an end of the year party at your house with ice cream or something? I would ask his teacher who they think would be a good match for him to have a playdate with and approach the parent. Good luck! Oh, and by the way, studies have shown that if your child even just has one good friend they still have the support they need to grow up and be social, so just hang in there!

I would talk to the teacher and the caregiver at afterschool. Get their perspective on what they are seeing. Does he approach kids and is turned away or is he too shy too approach? Is he playing with some kids and is just exaggerating his exclusion. If he is having difficulty, are there other kids with similar difficulties that the teacher's could try to get together and could you get their names to perhaps contact them this summer for playdates.

Good luck,
K.

I think your husband's thoughts probably have merit - kids who are accustomed to being with other kids may not need the socialization as much as kids who are constantly around people.

My husband and I both have strong personalities, but our son (almost 4) is very submissive. He's always the follower. Rather than try to make him into something he's not, we embrace that he has a different personality. As kids in our neighborhood are getting older, it's becoming evident that some kids play better than others. We have a feeling that he'll fit into the less popular crowd as time goes by - just his personality.

I do think the advice to get him involved in activities is key. If he loves art, music, dancing, theater, video games, football, etc. chances are, there are other kids with his personality/interests who would also be in those activities and may help him become more social.

Good luck. I'd be heartbroken, too, and I'm quite lonely as an adult despite being very social. I have very few good friends, and I worry my children will grow-up the same way.

My son's an only child. He comfortable playing on his own, but when he's at school, he plays with other kids just fine.
I'd get him involved in an out side school activity so he can meet other kids.
My son loves taekwondo and he'll be in the band in middle school next year.
Does it bother your son as much as it bothers you? There are a lot of great kids who just don't like belonging to groups and cliques. These are the kind of kids who have fewer problems with peer pressure because they don't care what the rest of the crowd is doing. It can be a good thing.

My oldest(7 yrs) was that way at the beginning of this school year. He doesn't watch what the other kids get to watch on tv so he couldn't relate to their play of Power Rangers. Then one kid was the "leader of the pack" and kicked my son out of their club. These boys were from his class last year. I encouraged him to play with his new classmates. He still had days where he is by himself. He has found some gentler souls like himself to play with and Boys Scouts is what helped with that. He was able to meet other boys in a close knit environment. He also had to learn to let the teacher get after the other kids when they did wrong instead of telling on them in front of the whole class. That was a huge help as you can imagine. He had this strong idea of what was right and wrong, which can be good, but it sure didn't help make friends. He was missing out on the "fun" of being a kid in class.

My daughter's a loner also. Just involve him in some sort of a sports league or activity. He'll come out of his shell, just be patient.

Lots of kids are like this.
My friends have a daughter who is basically an only child. She does have a sibling, but he was grown and gone by the time she was born.
At recess, at lunch, she always just stuck to herself. Her school wasn't far from our office and her parents could drive by on their own lunch time and see her in the schoolyard by herself with a book. She always said none of the other kids wanted to play with her, but upon investigation, it was more a matter of her not wanting to do what the other kids were doing. She didn't want to play jump rope or play 4-square with a ball. She wanted to sit away from that and look at books and it wasn't that the other kids didn't like her, but they wanted to run around and play and she preferred not to do that.
She finally made a friend and it was the strangest thing. The girl was the exact opposite of her. She was loud and gregarious and a complete handful. The parents loaded up on Excedrin before she came over for visits or to spend the night because there wasn't a quiet or still bone in her little body. But, somehow the girls hit it off.
I think it's horrible that children would tell a kid to "go away.". I mean they're only 6. It's awfully young to be so clique-ish. Talk to the teacher. Are there other kids that are shy or seem to prefer to be alone? There might be someone they can encourage to buddy up with.
I know when my kids were that young, their teachers put them in rotating groups for projects and recess teams etc. That way, everybody was involved with everybody to an extent. Neither of my kids were shy, so they were always "buddied up" with a new kid or someone that was unsure about being social. That way they had someone to say, "Let's sit together for lunch, let's play at recess." Some kids warmed up to it and some just put their heads down and didn't want any part of it if they were too shy. But the offer was always there.
I think, in time, your son will find people that he enjoys being around. Your son being a "loner" doesn't have to be a bad thing. He's probably trying to work out how he fits in to everything and that can take a while for some kids.
Staying to himself as much as he does may be seen by other kids that HE doesn't like THEM. It's never, ever okay for them to tell him to go away if he truly extends an interest in them.
I understand how you feel, but like I said, he's only 6. This doesn't mean he'll be a loner for life. Talk to his teacher and see what she thinks about the situation. I wouldn't profess to tell her how to do her job, but I've seen the "buddy" system work really well for kids.

Best wishes.

I used to work at a pre-school and kindergarten and the key at that age is to not ask if you can play but just to start playing with the other kids. If your son asks it will mean that the other kids have to change what they are doing and almost all kids will say no. If he just starts playing whatever they are then for the most part kids will be happy to let them in. The key is NOT asking, just doing.

I have two young son's close to your son's age. It is so important to me that they are respectful of the feelings of others and they share and play nicely with their friends. I would be heartbroken if I were to hear one of my boys telling another kids to go away and I don't want to play with you. I'm not trying to raise my kids to be that way. I could not imagine my son saying that to someone.
with that being said, maybe your son approached the wrong group of kids. I would not want to play with them either with that attitude. I know there has got to be some kids in the class who are friendly and welcoming. I hope he finds that group.
I'm sure he will be fine. I would watch him next time you are out with a group and see how he is interacting or how others are relating to him.
Best of Luck.