Help - Hudson, WI

Updated on August 14, 2007
J.M. asks from Hudson, WI
12 answers

I was wondering if i could get some suggestions as to how i could tell my 4 year old daughter that her dad died. I am not sure how to say it in words that she will understand. I am stuck on this problem if anyone could help i would appreciate it. Thank You

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R.

answers from Minneapolis on

My husband too grew up in a funeral home. The best way is to just be matter of fact and honest like Sara said. 4 year olds understand more than you think they do. We took my 4 yr old and 2 year old to the cemetery to "visit" my grandparents w/ my mom. We explained to my 4 yr old that the (marker) was for grandma's mommy and daddy and they were in heaven with mommy's daddy because they had died. He seemed to understand this.

In fact, when we first drove in my son said, "Oh, this is the dying place." So he kind of already knew.

I feel for you having to tell her--not an easy thing to do. Hope this helps.

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W.F.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am so sorry for your loss. I have two little girls and my brother was killed in 1990. My family talk about him all the time and in fact my 5 year old looks like him too. She has asked us questions and we always tell her Jeff is in heaven with God and now he is an Angel and he is always watching over us.

Maria Shriver wrote a book called "What is Heaven". I think it is a great book and Barnes and Noble would have it. I think I'd pick up a copy Here is what the publisher says about the book:
What's Heaven is the story of Kate, a little girl whose great-grandma has just died. She seeks answers, and her mother helps her learn about Heaven. The many questions in this book--childlike and thought-provoking--are real, coming from Maria Shriver's own children, nieces and nephews when her grandmother Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy passed away. With loving, cinfident, and ultimately uplifting answers, Shriver taught her family, and will teach yours, how to come together, feel closer to each other, and feel peace.

I think one of the biggest mistakes I've witnessed parents make is not letting a small child view the body. I think childern need just as much closure as an adult. I think this will help your daughter a great deal.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

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A.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

This is difficult for both you and her. Was it sudden or expected? Has she dealt with the death of a pet, or another person? All those will play a factor in it. And no matter how you tell her, she will still not fully grasp it until later in life.
My mother died when I was 7. She was sick my whole life, so I knew it was going to happen. I had gone to a funeral of a grandparent when I was 4 and one of our cats had died, and I had helped my mother bury it. And still, given all that, it finally hit me when I was 12.
Make a memory book. Have pictures of him. Answer her questions as she asks them. She is looking at you for what to do. Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.

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M.C.

answers from Minneapolis on

When my daughter's two Grandpa's died we said that papa won't be able to see her anymore and she asked us why? I told her that he's seeing the stars and that she'll be able to hopefully see him someday. I've told her that they are with God because he needed them. We cut balloons when we have some and we tell her that those are for Papa. You may want to speak with a counselor or a church if you are associate with a religious group.

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T.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Remember that permanance is not something children can developmentally understand until more like 7 years old so don't be freaked out if your daughter doesn't really "get it" that this is a forever kind of thing. She may say something like, "I'll see my Daddy next week" or "when is my daddy coming back". Totally normal.

Children at this age also can use fantasy play to understand new concepts - even death. Don't dissuade her from playing "funeral" or asking LOTS and LOTS of questions about death. They haven't had all the social stigma attached to the concept yet so, for them, it is just like asking about anything else.

Good luck.

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J.

answers from Minneapolis on

Has she seen Lion KIng? I found that the movie offered some points to add what your family believes and in a way they can understand. Counceling would not hurt if you can afford it.

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H.G.

answers from Minneapolis on

J., I'm sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. My own dad died in a car accident almost 3 yrs ago and he was like a dad to my kids who were 7 & 3 1/2. I know how hard it is--sometimes when you tell them (be honest but not too detailed) they react right away. There will be questions repeated over & over for years. My younger one didn't really get it until over a year later. They both came to the funeral and got to do special things for their Papa (special papa teddy bear to hug & his picture to carry with them, we made a CD of his favorite songs & played it at the wake and listened to it alot the first year)...my daughter actually wanted to talk at the funeral & we let her which helped her cope alot. They still have tough times and times they can't sleep, but we talk about him alot and remember him in silly ways, too(sparklers/fireworks, funny stories, looking at pictures). If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to email me (____@____.com). Sometimes it helps to just talk to another parent who's dealing with a loss with their child. I know it would've made my life alot easier had I known someone. Just remember you're not alone, and make sure your daughter knows that, too. Don't be too surprised if she's super clingy to you and afraid to let you leave her at first (fear of losing someone else still sneaks up on both my kids). You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
H.

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B.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

I'm so sorry... That is horrible to lose a father so young.

I would be honest but in kid terms.

My daughter is constantly asking about why my mom died, where she's at, why we buried her etc... I just answer away as the questions come in.

My mom died 2 years before my daughter was born so they never met but I have always made it a big deal to tell her she has a Grandma and she's in heaven watching over us. My daughter has had conversations with my mom (I know weird) and loves to go visit her grave which we can only due once a year or so becuase it's out of state. She get's very excited to pick out flowers. I think what helps with us is we talk about it alot. Look at pictures. My daughter is almost 6 and she doesn't quite get it all but she understands. She did for awhile think that a cemetary was heaven and I had to explain the difference.

You may want to do a few things:

As creepy as it sounds, My grandma took pictures at my mom's wake, yes casket, dead mom and all. I would stumble across the pictures every once in awhile and just break down but it's also helped me remember things from that day and I appreciate having them in a way.

Then we also called the funeral home and asked if just us children could go a hour or so ahead of the wake to say our goodbye's in complete privacy. My brothers and I were all teenagers and it was weird family circumstances(divorce,mom lost custody of us when we were little) so we did that and it was really good. Then we were able to join the rest of my mom's family later in the day already having had our "shock" moment. It was our 2nd funeral we had ever been to so it was a huge shock.

I think it's going to be harder on your daughter the older she gets and the more she understands. Just try and preserve memories make a scrap book of the funeral include the little program and stuff and talk talk talk........

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T.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

You could try explaining to her that daddy had to go to heaven. That is what I did with my daughter when our pets passed away. Then if she asks questions you can answer them as truthfully as possible. I started out saying do you know where heaven is to my daughter and I explained to her kind of what it was. Hope that helps.

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G.J.

answers from Minneapolis on

Well, I can't say that I have any experience in this department. I had a hard time telling my 5 yr. old that his dog died, let alone a parent.
I guess I would sit her down and have a mom/daughter heart to heart. I would go the Daddy is in heaven with Jesus route and explain to her that he will always be with her in her heart, but that he will be staying with Jesus up in Heaven.
Like I said, I have not had experience with such a loss, but I hope this helps even a little.
Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.
GOd Bless you and your daughter.

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S.

answers from Minneapolis on

J.,
So sorry to hear about this situation! I grew up in a funeral home, ala My Girl, and I was always popping in and out of the grief seminars that my dad used to hold. The best sdvice that I can give you is to use simple, honest words. No, "he went away", because she may be scared that you will suddenly go away. No, "he's sleeping" because she will be afraid of sleep. I would recommend using the words death or dead, and explaining that that is when the body gets very very sick or hurt and can't work anymore, or whatever the circumstances of his death were. Explain that daddy can't talk to her anymore, but she can still talk to him, or along whatever spiritual lines you feel comfortable with. She may be scared, just try and be patient with her and help her feel as safe as possible. If you are a reader in these types of situations, Elizabeth Kubler Ross is the author to go too. If I canhelp in any other way, please feel free to write to me, and take care of yourself too!
S.

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K.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am so terribly sorry...I am a mother of a 2 year old and step mother to 3 children ages 19, 16, and 14. My step children lost their mother when they were ages 2, 5, and 7. My husband struggled with the same thing you are going through...to make matters worse, their mother died when they were present and on the 5 year old's birthday. My husband brought the kids to counseling and found it incredibly helpful, especially because he was struggling so much with the loss of his wife and wasn't in a good place to be objective when helping the kids cope. Through counseling he was also given the names of many books that helped the kids understand and cope. I hope you are able to get the help you need...good luck and God Bless...

K.

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