Help! I Have Become a Human Pacifier!

maybe he is scare of the dark? my son has been scare of the night since he was young. He sleeps with the night on, so when he wakes up, he is not tooo scare and usually falls back to sleep. I have noticed that when he I forget to leave the night light on he wakes up scare.
Good luck,

Please take my advice with a grain of salt because I've never been in your situation.

My question is, do you want to ween? I once heard a mom (I think on Mamasource) say that should would put band-aids on her nipples and tell her son that they were broken and that worked. You could try that.

You really need to look at how he is spending his day. How much time is he playing? If he's in your office all day, when is he outdoors? Toddlers need lots of outdoor playtime. I really hope you are spending your lunch hour at a nearby park. He is probably not napping because he is not getting enough exercise. I am guessing that you bring him to the office instead of daycare or a babysitter for financial reasons. However, I encourage you to look into putting him in some sort of setting where he is more free to play. Even if its paying a High School student to take him from 3-5 everyday. Once you increase the activity level, especially in the morning, he will nap again.

Good luck!
N.

Wow L.- Sounds like you are describing my son who is also 14 months!!! I never nursed him to sleep- but did give him a pacifier and he did the same thing- would wake up every hour or so screaming for us to put it back in his mouth!

I was so sleep deprived by the time he was 5 months old that we went cold turkey on him and took the paci away. He would scream and I would pick him up until he settled then lay him back down again- over and over until he stopped screaming. (read that in the Babywhisperer) The first night, I did this about 110 times. The second night- about 30 and the 3rd night about 20. Since then, he has been weaned from the paci BUT he still is stubborn. He has since got hooked on (and weaned of) sucking fingers- (it started when we were travelling and we needed to get him to stop screaming!!). Like your son, he never took to a bottle so we went straight to the sippy cup.

He still is not a great sleeper but now that he stands up in his crib- I just go in and keep laying him down gently and telling him its sleapy time (takes about 3 times). I am pretty sure that I have over-responded to him and not allowed him to learn to self soothe that well. I think some babies are like this though- a little more demanding than others!

I have never been a fan of the cry it out method, but recently we have started letting him cry (after I have gone in and checked on him) and that seems to be helping alot. It has taken me over a year to get to a place where I can do that and my husband still has to talk me down from rushing in each time.... anyway, our son finally sleeps through the night about 60% of the time, which is a MAJOR improvement for us!!
Best of luck!
E.

I personally believe each child is very different (even siblings) and you need to listen to their individual needs. My son (3) was much like yours, in needing to nurse often at night. I had a lot of people telling me (and I sometimes wondered) that it was my parenting (AP) style that created the difficulties of my son nursing throughout the night and not being able to sleep on his own for very long.
Well, my daughter (13 months) is different and I've parented them both in the same/similar way. While she still doesn't sleep through the night either, she's always been able to finish nursing then just stay asleep when I transitioned her or she'd pull of the nipple herself. Not so with my son. Nipple out of the mouth meant wake up and scream and cry until he was nursing again. Transitioning only happened when I laid with him on the bed and VERY carefully snuck away.
It was VERY frustrating! But I learned to roll with it and accept the fact that my son was/is high-needs and different than my daughter. Embracing this supposed issue made me more relaxed and happy, instead of trying to fight everything and be uptight and stressed. I also believe it helped me stay in tune with him and learn a lot about him, and how to parent him later in life.
I don't believe CIO will work for every child (not to mention my opinion that I don't believe in it period), and it sounds like your son is not one of them. So, I'd suggest looking at the situation from a different perspective...HIS. If his needs are met and he's feeling loved and secure, he'll turn out more confident later in life. While you need to make things work for your family and not let him rule all, you all need to be sensitive to his needs at this young age. I wish you well in this tough time.
Best of luck, N.

Hi there!
I have no advice for you because I am in EXACTLY the same situation. I seriously could have written your blog myself about my own 14 month old. Thank you for writing. I will read your responses in hopes someone has some magical advice.
Good luck!!

Hi L., I am a Sleep Consultant and Parenting Coach. I can definitely help you get your son to fall asleep on his own and sleep through the night and take good naps. Please visit my website at www.theindependentchild.com and give me a call.
Good Luck,
K. Smith

oh L., sounds like you're a GREAT mom. and no matter how it seems, you haven't created a monster. chances are he would be having the same issues whether or not you're breastfeeding.

often times when children (meaning babies/infants/toddlers/etc.) go through changes, they may experience more night wakings. these changes can be growth spurts, teething, developmental milestones, separation anxiety, change in routines, etc.

one of the biggest things you don't want to deny children is a growth spurt during the first 2 years of life. their tummies are small and sometimes it's just not possible to get all the feedings during the day. and they don't always have the words to tell you that they're hungry.

you mentioned putting him to breast. don't ever feel guilty about meeting your child's needs. if he needs to nurse, then let him. if he needs you to comfort him, then comfort him. go with your instincts and know that you are not alone in your practices nor is there anything wrong with what you are doing. it's simply nurturing and providing for your baby. :)

by the way, 14 months is around the peak time for separation anxiety. he could be waking frequently because he realizes he's alone. children's sleep cycles are different from adults as well (shorter). i haven't read about it myself, but have heard several good things about the no cry sleep solution book. one of the things i did do myself was bed sharing. part-time bed sharing works too. you mentioned that he goes to bed from about 6:30-12:30. that's a decent amount of time for a first stretch. bummer is that you're probably not sleeping at all at that time. but if your other one goes down soon after, you and your husband can take advantage of the alone time. then bring him into bed with you until morning. don't worry. each child is different, but this too shall pass. :) good luck!

Hi L.,
O how I feel for You...don't give up! Sometimes we do things for our lil ones to help in the immediate but can later bit us in the behind! Been there! Your lil one has developed some behaviors that will take a while to overcome, but if you are consistant and dont give up you can teach him t obehave differently! Keep trying the naps but do them earlier in the day even if he wont sleep, let him know this is the time hes supposed to nap. As far as not sleeping during the night... when I had my first child I demand fed only because it seemed like I should give her what she wanted when she wanted and let her pretty much determine what her schedule would be . It was so difficult, she didnt sleep through the night till she was almost 2. But with my 2nd through 4th children I found a God send of a feeding schedule! It does take a lot of work in the beginning but the results are long term! Its called Preperation for Parenting-Feed-Wake-Sleep Schedule. Look at gfi.org and go to the store their prices are reasonable, read all about it, even if your not religious, this can help put balance back in your home. I used it for 3 of my kids since birth and all were sleeping 7hrs. through the night at 7weeks old! Not ot mention they seemed to be happier babies, and that makes happier parents. This will be one of the hardest things for you as mom to try to get him less dependant on you as pacifier, but if you can stick with it then the results will be better for you and hubby. You might have to re-schedule and re-prioritize some things. Good luck and God bless...
V.
(mom of 4)

It could be that, because he nurses to sleep, whenever he wakes a little he needs to nurse. If you can get him to go to sleep on his own initially, without nursing, then maybe he'll learn to self soothe and not need you during the night. My 2 1/2 year old only recently stopped waking up at night (it was only one time so it wasn't as unbearable as your situation). The night waking seemed to totally stop when my husband started putting him to bed at night instead of me nursing him to sleep.

My son didn't sleep through the night until he was nearly 2 years old. He was (and still is) the type that has a strong sucking need. If you're able to, stick with it. It's my opinion that he is sharing his needs with you, and your job as a mom is to try and meet those needs (as well as those of yourself and your husband) as best as you can. If it means drawing boundaries, so be it. If it means being particularly sensitive to your son during this tough time, so be it. You are the mom, and you know your child best. Have you considered sleeping with him? Even though my son slept by himself for a short while, he went through periods of needing our closeness and then needing his independence. Childhood is NOT a linear progression from one "skill" or milestone to the next. You take a few steps forward, some back, and some forward again. Good luck, I know it's difficult, but you are doing a great job. Don't beat yourself up for responding to your son's needs. You are raising a child who expects to be responded to when he is expressing discomfort - this is a GOOD thing! You have not forced him to use your or your breast as comfort, it is natural. Now you just have to decide how you're going to respond to this "new" expression of needs.
Stay true to your gut. . .

It could be teething, separation anxiety...but it sounds like he is just over tired and probably his nap and nighttime sleep schedule needs to be adjusted. He may also need more physical and mental stimulation during the day to burn off some energy. You know how when you exercise on a regular basis, you generally sleep better? Same thing for kids...especially boys.

I have been reading and re-reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" since my son was placed with us almost 4 years ago. And now whenever my 1.5 yo daughter has a sleep related issue, I just refer back to it. There are a ton of sleep books out there, but this is the one that worked/works for us.

My daughter has been teething for the last few months. When the pain is really bad, she cries and gets up multiple times at night for about a week before the tooth actually erupts. So every few weeks, this has been happening for her. With my son, he just constantly drooled and never complained about his teeth coming in.

I would try adjusting his activity levels during the day and adjust his nap and sleep schedule to see if that helps. The more rested you are the better you sleep at night. And I notice with my kids this is true.

Hi L....sounds like we have a lot in common. My son is with me 24/7 as well...he comes to the office with me too. He is breastfed, never took a bottle and falls asleep nursing. I always tried to take the approach that I would take my cues from him and not try to push him into anything, that he would adjust accordingly in his own time. About 2 weeks ago, he was waking up more frequently during the night to feed after being a consistently great sleeper. He co-sleeps with us, which makes it easier because I don't even realize he's nursing since I'm half asleep. He now has gone back to just waking in the early morning, about 5, after having been asleep since 8pm. Then he falls asleep again until 7 or 7:30. He's adjusting. Also, at work, my dad comes to help me with him and the last couple weeks he's been taking my son on a walk around naptime and he falls asleep in the stroller...something I thought would never happen. The point of me telling you all this is that follow your babies cues. I never have let him cry and whenever we're going through an adjustment period, I tell myself that its temporary, that things will normalize and they do. You're giving your son the best gift ever...YOU, so for that, you are doing everything right. Hang in there...I know its not easy, but oh so worth it.

L., I had to laugh reading this, because you just described myself and my daughter. My little one was really colicky and wouldn't sleep unless she had the boob available at all times. So I created a nightmare!! I had to do the cry it out, it was awful, but worth it. I think you need to just make a plan and stick with it, any variance and the baby will run with it. I would tell your neighbors that you want to get your baby to sleep and stop the crying, but it will take some time. Maybe you could go talk to them with ear plugs in hand as a peace offering....ha!
You can do it slowly and just push him an hour every week. So if he wakes at 11pm, make him go until 12pm, after midnight nurse him upon waking, then push him until 1am, and so on. This is the option I chose when I worked with a sleep specialist to get my daughter sleeping without the aid the breast.
Or you could just let him cry it out all night, which would be much quicker, but you'd get little sleep while going through it, not to mention that much crying is really tough to take.
My daughter was sick and teething so she was up a lot and I tended to her, because I know she was feeling awful. So naps and nighttime were ruined. Well I started giving her this stuff called Calm Forte, and it works so awesome!! It is all natural and is made by Hylands, the makers of those lovely little teething tablets.
Best of luck and email me if you need more info or just need to vent!
S. G.

I think your little one is in need of a consistent routine that allows him to get the sleep he needs, and learn to feed when he's hungry and not just because he's awake. It's awesome that you've BF for this long!! I wish I could have...

At 11-13 months, my son dropped his afternoon nap and when to one long nap from 12pm (ish) to no later than 3pm...he sort of started out with being cranky, and not tired and then tired...waking a lot at night and being irratated. My son has been on the following schedule since about that age, and only got one feeding before bed until he was about 18 months old and started to wean himself...

6-630am wake up and play/cuddle
7am breakfast
930am snack
1130am lunch
12pm begin nap routine (book, song, bottle/breast)
3pm wake up (usually around 230pm)
3:30pm snack
5:30pm Dinner
7-7:30 begin bedtime routine (bath, book, song, bottle 8oz)
8pm (ish) asleep

Sometimes he would wake up in the night for cuddling or bottle but, after about a month or two he gave up bottles at night and was totally fine. He just needed a routine that allowed him his necessary hours of sleep and food in the belly. I'm not an advocate of CIO, and think it's more confusing than helpful in a lot of cases...but, it's worked for some people...just not me.

Now, at age 2, my son will wake up for drink of water or to make sure I'm there but, goes right back to sleep on his own.

I hope that helps...good luck!

Hi L.,

Are you sure you're not describing my life?? haha!

My son, turned 1 year on Nov 4th. I have breastfed since birth, no bottle, etc. Same situation as you. He shares a room with us, because I have a 2 bedroom and my 12 year old daughter is in the other room. Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, I moved downstairs to the couch at night! My son was going down at 8pm after bath and nursing, then would wake up at 12:30am to nurse and every 2 hours thereafter! I couldn't take it anymore. The sleep depravation was making me a beast! Anyway, within a couple nights, he knew daddy was the go to guy and stopped waking up so much. When he did, my husband could tip him back over in his crib and he'd go right back to sleep. For a couple weeks I had to go in and feed 1-2 times usually after 12:30am. Last week he slept thru the night without ME!!!!!! ok (8pm-4:45am) But I'm OK with that.
It seems he'll sleep thru the night one night, then the next he nurses once. It depends on how good his dinner was right before bath. I try to feed him up until 7, then hit the bath after he runs around for about 15 minutes in our bedroom. He's usually asleep by 8pm. This is our new routine and it is working. And to be frank, I like my couch!!!
I'd recommend getting 'away' from him at night. He can smell your milk. It has made the world of difference for us. My husband is tired, but hey I did the first 11 months!! And it won't be this way forever. And my husband feels like he's "doing something". Those were his words!!

Good Luck to you!!!
E.

Is he just sleeping/napping too much when he is at work with you? If so, then he won't "need" to sleep at night.... LOL

what does he "do" when he is at work with you? Is he holed up in your cubical with you just hanging out?
He probably needs an outlet and more activity IF this is the case.

OR, sometimes at this age they get what is called "night terrors." It is purely developmental AND normal. Perhaps his waking is due to this. Look it up online... most kids go through this.

Certainly, I can understand your need to keep him quiet while at work. But, that takes a lot of patience on his and your part. By the time he gets home, he probably just needs to get his yah-yah's out and does not want to sleep.

Well and he does not seem to be able to "self-soothe" yet.
All kids/babies are different.... my daughter was like that and high-needs and spirited, I just co-slept with her. Finally by the time she was 2 years old, she grew out of it. But now and then she still likes to sleep with us.
And no, she is not breastfed anymore! LOL
But she did self-wean at about 2.5 years old.

Your son is also probably very "oral." And needs to suck on something to calm down and soothe. I'm sure you don't want to do a pacifier at his age, and since he went straight to a sippy cup...but... well... sometimes nothing else will work.
OR... put a sippy cup of water in the crib with him and leave it there... they will "learn" to control it themselves and drink when they want.

If Hubby continues to abhor this situation... (and the neighbors are already complaining), well.... you have to do something. When a Husband's sleep is like this, AND the sleeping with his Wife is altered....it can irritate them. Men have less patience with things like this. My daughter was like that... but bless my Hubby, he had stamina... albeit with some grumbling in between. BUT, you have to consider your sleep arrangements.... in light of Hubby and other needs.

Does your son sleep in a crib, or in your room, or have his own room? If he is right there in the room with you, then sure, he will want YOU and want you NOW! And they see you, and they wake. My girl was like that too. We had a futon in our bedroom on the floor, this is how "we" co-slept. While keeping Me & Hubby's bed for "us."

ALSO, is your son getting enough to eat during the daytime? Some kids, if they don't get enough intake during the day, they will be just plain HUNGRY at night... and wake all night.
Maybe try filling his tummy with something before bed. A banana is always soothing and good for the tummy.

Also, sure he may be teething... try teething remedies... have you tried? Try Hyland's Teething tabs, or Tylenol, or ask your Pediatrician.

ALSO, perhaps get a book on "spirited children" or "high needs children." I"m sure there are lots on amazon.com

Some kids just don't self-soothe well.
AND, in conjunction with "separation anxiety".... it creates a lot of "needs" in them... all day and at night. He is probably with you ALL day, and so he wants to be with YOU all night too. Just a theory, maybe. "Separation Anxiety" will come up all throughout toddler-hood at various times. When they are 2 years old+, it will come up again, in different manifestations.

Good luck,
Susan

Just say no. Frankly, your husband is a saint for having put up with this for so long. Your child is beyond an age where he can begin to cope with not having immediate gratification and frustration, and you're not doing him any favors by not letting him learn these valuable lessons. Explain to him that this he will no longer be breast feeding and then just let him scream. I'd suggest ear plugs for you and your husband. Good luck.