Help Keeping My Sanity

God bless you! My mother gave birth to seven children, and she had the oldest help out because my father was out working several jobs (my mother was a SAHM). Since your oldest is 13, try to have her help out with some of the responsibilies, and hire an assistant, too. If your able to afford one, but if you aren't, try to get some of the other family members to help out, too. Aunts, Uncles, etc. If not, perhaps have another SAHM who your friends with help out, too. Good luck!

hi A., sounds like your pretty stressed out hon. thats not good for any of you. my advice is to have a family member or friend look out for your kids for a few hours and have your honny sit down with you and talk over how your feeling. his kids are his responsibility. he needs to know you love his kids and want them around but not if you have to handle all 7 kids by yourself. he needs to talk with ex-wife and make an agreement to take the kids every other week-end and make sure he will be there and that would lessen the load on you. if that isnt exceptable to the ex-wife then he needs to tell her that he wont be able to take them on the week-ends for a while and set up something during the week for a few hours to spend with the kids but he has to be there. or how about taking only his kids as long as he is there on week-ends? i know he has the step kids and they arent his or your responsiblty and if he has to maybe he needs to stop taking the step kids and only take his kids. your both doing the ex-wife a favor by taking the step kids and i think she should bend to what ever scheldule is easier for both of you not her. i have 10 kids in my family and trust me you need 2 parents there to handle all at once. none of you need to get so stressed out it isnt worth it. the 3 of you have to come to some kind of an agreement to suit you most of all. hope my advice helps. keep me updated on how it goes. good luck.
N. s

Hi A. -

I know a little about what you are going through. I have seven stepchildren (13-21) and we have a daughter together (2 1/2). We have been married over 5 yrs, so they were about the same age as yours when I came on the scene.

I know it can get very hectic and chaotic. There are times you do want to run away.

I realize that you are starting a business, and time needs to be spent towards it. Have you talked to your boyfriend about taking on a partner/employee who could assist with the weekend runs? Yes, it would dip into your profits, but the peace of mind it provides might be a worthwhile investment.

In regard to the ex. You are both right. The time spent at your home is for your boyfriend to spend with his daughter. It is not fair for her to not see him during this time. But, you are right in that she cannot say what happens in your home.

First, does your boyfriend have a "Right of First Refusal" clause in his custody order? If he does, then that should be followed if he is working. If not, then there is really nothing that she can say. If I were you, I would tell her that she is right, this time is for his daughter to spend time with him and she is welcome to come and pick her up if it is a problem for the daughter to stay with you and the rest of the family. If she is truly wanting a "weekend babysitter" as you say, then she will huff and puff a little, but not pick her up.

Maybe during this start up time, you could ask to change your visitation temporarily and have the daughter sometime during the week, when it is not as hectic.

Good luck!!

Hi hun, do u have to take all of his kids @ the same time? can't they alternate weekends? Also- it is NOT ur responsiblity to be a weekend babysitter for this woman and ur husband needs to support you in this problem b/c the stress is more on u, not him, and they r his kids! I think u may need to find a babysitter for your own kids that live with you as well- and have a date nite @ least once to sit and talk these options and issues out w/o having to tend to the children on top of it. If he disagrees, i would up the anty and state that i am no longer going to watch the other ones, i can't do it anymore, its taking a toll on me and your daughter as well. Hopefully he will understand. Dont stress out ur relationship with him, ur kids and even urself for that other woman, she may just know the burden its putting on u and love it. Good luck and let me know

A.,

It sounds a little conflicting. From what you said, the ex-wife doesn't want you to be the one watching his biological daughter, but at the same time is insisting that he also tkae the two who are not biologically his. So, to sum up, she insists that he take all three children every other weekend, and she also insists that you not be the one taking care of them. Sorry to say this, but I can see where she's coming from. She doesn't want his two steps to lose the male influence in their lives AGAIN, since their bio father doesn't keep contact with them. This would be problematic and hurtful to the kids. She also doesn't see the point of sending them to keep their relationship with him, only to have him take off and leave their care in the hands of a woman who's not their mother, and who she didn't have any say in choosing or approving to care for her children. I can totally see how the situation is objectionable to her, especially since none of the advantages of starting this business gain her or her kids anything, but the kids are the ones making the sacrifice for it.

Now, that said, there has to be some middle ground. There has to be a way that you can meet everyone's needs. Is your boyfriend on call 24/7? If he is, then what you should try and do is spend the call time at home with the kids, and only leave if there's a call. That way, he could spend most of the time there, both being with them, which makes the ex happy, and helping you out, which he should be doing, since they are his responsibility. If he's not on call all the time, then restructure visitation so that you take the children on days when he doesn't have to work.

I wish you a lot of luck, and your boyfriend, too. There are an awful lot of demands on his time and energy, and it's not going to be easy to find a way to meet them all.

Hi A.,

My hat goes off to you for keeping your sanity for this long taking care of the 7 children on the weekends. I don't think your boyfriend or your ex realizes the intensity of properly caring for 7 young children. I suggest that since business is picking up you put in an ad in your local newspaper for a part time babysitter that will come into your home on the weekends to help with the kids. The good part is that you are in the home also watching what is going on and that person could watch the kids while you keep your youngest daughter with you perhaps in the office where you answer the phones and just focus on her and the phones while you periodically check on the sitter and the other kids. I'm sure that a responsible teenager would be more than happy to receive $8-$10 per hour for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Perhaps also think about posting a flyer in the local supermarkets. Even if you have someone in your family or your boyfriend's family that is a young person that is looking for a little side money. I also suggest that if you do get someone to come in to assist and even if you don't please get a schedule for those kids and post it so that everyone can see it. You and your boyfriend should sit them all down for a family meeting and explain the importance of adhering to the schedule. Perhaps little rewards or treats can be given as incentive as the children complete tasks from the schedule. The schedule can consist of each child's name and what the children do from when they wake up until the night. It should include Breakfast time, play time, clean up time, story time, quiet time and so on. The amount of time is totally up to you and your boyfriend. This kind of structure should take the chaos out of your situation.

I wish the both of you well in your business. I also hope that your boyfriend begins to understand that your not superwoman and not many women take on the extra load of other's children as you have. I hope that he appreciates you and that you appreciate what he does as you work together to build the business that will ensure a brighter future for your family.

All the best!

OMG!!!! That is really all I can ay at 1st glance of your problem. Seven kids, you are an amazing woman for doing it this long. My suggestion is to simply tell your boyfriend, look I understand you love your kids, but you need to try and understand that I am one person. The expectaions he has of you to take care of seven children, the house and run a buisness just insn't reasonable. It seems that the issue with the ex won't just go away and rather than having an all out fighting match with her which by the way only adds stress to your household, I have notice that in the past writting a note explaining the situation, how hard it has become on your family and give her other alternatives such as would you be willing to take them maybe two or three nights during the week. This is definatly a tough one, but things cannot contnue they way they are now. For one that is way to much stress on you and even worse way to much stress on your new baby. If you need any help please e-mail me, I love kids. ____@____.com

If your boyfriend's custody arrangement states that he gets them on weekends, he can always file for a change due to a change in circumstances, (ie. his job has changed so that he has to work weekends and thus cannot see them at his current visits) Then, visits can be scheduled when he has the time to be with them.