Help! My 2Yr Old Is Out of Control!

I know how you feel. My son will be three in september. I was hoping this stuff would be over, but I see three is horrible too. I hope these ladies can help "us"
J.

I think you need to stick with one thing. It sounds like you have tried a lot of different things which creates inconsistency. Nothing is going to be an overnight fix, but with a little time, patience, and lather-rinse-repeat, you can teach more appropriate behavior.

Where ever he is hearing the cursing from, it needs to stop. He is picking that up from somewhere, and not just coming up with it on his own.

I don't understand my children when they are whining. I tell them they need to use a kind voice and will often prompt them with what I expect them to say. In our house it is "May I please have...." Do they still whine? Of course, but they are both learning (3 and 2 year olds) how to ask politely. My 3 year old needs less and less prompting these days.

In our house, you are entitled to your feelings. If they are angry and upset, I reflect that to them. But, screaming hurts my ears, and I tell my kids that. If they continue to scream, they go in their room. It is not a punishment of any sort, just a place where they can get it out. We call it taking a break. After we take a break, we talk about what happened and how we felt.

Give him tons of choices. Make sure both choices are something you can live with. "Do you want the red cup or the green cup? Do you want water or milk? Do you want ice or no ice? Do you want to read 2 books or 3 books? Do you want to go to bed now or in 5 minutes?" Give him control in his life. No one likes to feel like they are powerless, and little kids must feel like that frequently. Everyone is bigger than they are and tells them what to do. Check out Love and Logic from your library. It has a lot of helpful suggestion for decreasing power struggles. Read it with a grain of salt, though, because your 2 year old does not have any logic at this point.

Remember, the root of the word discipline is to teach. When he shows inappropriate behaviors make sure you are giving him something positive to replace it with. If he tries to hit, stop him before he gets to you, and tell him what he can do instead, like using his words or doing an angry dance.

When I have days where my kids are driving me bonkers, I try to make myself take a mommy break and think of all the things that make my kiddos special. It helps get my mind in the right place when they are trying to push every possible button they can.

There are several reasons why he could be using this behavior:

1) it works - in which case you need to up your parenting game in order to win out these testing battles.
2) he's frustrated about something else - something out of his control
3) his language skills are not as developed as his mental - causing a breakdown in communication - he can't communicate with you what he wants to say and its frustrating him - this is very common for 2 year olds who don't speak very well yet.
4) he's not getting enough rest - he's over-tired (is he still napping?)
5) his diet is poor - make sure he's getting enough fresh fruits and veggies and not a lot of convienence/prepackaged/drive through foods - he could be reacting to sodium and high blood sugars
6) He's not getting enough "quality" time with either you or dad - he's just being shuffled along in the story of your life and not interacted with in a meaningful way

These are just a few possibilities. I'm not saying that these things are or are not happening, but usually when toddlers exhibit such signs of anger, constant whinning, and melting down there is a reason. Best of luck! :)

Hi F.,

If I were you, I would look at the big picture and consider all aspects. If you can, step back and take an objective view. No doubt that the new baby brother contributes to the behavior, but this only worsened what was already there.

What is key to me is that he cries "for every little thing that is so insignificant."

Since your son probably cannot speak in complete sentences yet, the only way he can communicate is with his actions, so he is trying to tell you that something is wrong. Emotional meltdowns for small things are not normal behavior.

My daughter did this whenever she didn't get enough sleep. Is he getting enough sleep? A nap during the day? She also did this when she got really hungry. Is he getting a healthy snack between meals? How is his diet? Be wary of sugar and caffeine intake. Check his blood type and www.dadamo.com. Consider allergens--environmental and food.

Do you think things are is going well with his step mother when he visits his dad? Pay attention to his behavior, and see if it is worse when he comes back from there or worse when he leaves to go there. If this is the case, then something unsettling could be happening when he is away from you.

Are there routines at both houses? Kids depend on rituals for bedtime, etc. If there is no routine at either house, then he may feel discombobulated by having two unstructured households, or one structured and one non-structured. There may not be much you can do about his other household, but you could establish a routine at yours.

He's right on target for riding a tricycle, so his gross (large) motor skills sound OK (it's great that he plays outside and at the park). Is his speech normal for his age? Have you had his hearing tested by a pediatric ENT and vision tested by a pediatric ophthalmologist? Is he affectionate or stand off-ish? What does your pediatrician say? Always rule out medical first.

Then, look at social--does he have regular opportunities to play with peers? Sometimes kids behave well with their peers but do the ugly stuff just for the parents. If he is aggressive with his peers, then he needs to be tested further by more professionals--perhaps a pediatric neuropsychologist or neuropsychiatrist (and you may need referrals from your pediatrician to get your health insurance to pay).

Your local school system is a great resource. Call the Special Education Dept. and speak with someone high up in the Birth to 3 program, which is federally funded. Tell them your concerns and ask to have him tested for their program. This should include evaluations by a certified teacher, an educational diagnostician, a behavioral specialist, an OT (occupational therapist, and a SLP (speech-language pathologist). If he qualifies for the program, they will work with you on the behaviors. If he does not qualify, then consider looking at private therapy.

Perhaps he could be oversensitive to sound. Find an audiologist or an OT who is certified in AIT (Auditory Integration Training) and have him tested (again, ask them how to get insurance to pay). These auditory issues run in families, by the way. See http://www.aithelps.com/

From a behavior standpoint, check out the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) program. It is a series of books (with ones geared toward early childhood), and some communities offer classes for parents. Check it out on the Net, and here: http://www.parenting-resources.com/systematic-training-ef...

Also, he is exhibiting behaviors typical of children with ADHD. This is a possibility, although other things could be contributing to his behaviors, so I would rule them out before assuming he is attention deficit with or without hyperactivity.

One of your greatest resources is other parents in a similar situation. Oftentimes, they have been through something similar and can guide you in ways no one else can. Above all else, listen to you instincts, gather information, and keep moving forward until you get answers. Your son is fortunate to have a proactive mother, especially when he is so young.

Good luck! jenifer

Hello there F.,it sounds like he is acting out for some reason is there a change at your house are at dads you might want to ask the father if he is doing something differnt,have you and the father every talked about geting back together to raise yalls child together?it might help having both parents in the same home.i know two year olds can be very bad but this sounds more then just a two year old fit,i would try takeing his toys from him try puting him in time out.i would try telling him if he can have a good day he can have a ice cream are something like that.well hope it gets better for you,hang in there it will get better.have a good day

Hi F.-

It could just be him being 2 and testing you and his father. If so, you'll just need to decide on a form of discipline and the two of you need to remain consistent with it.

But, the first thing I would do is see if you can find a cause for his change in behavior. You said he's gotten worse over the last 6 months....did anything significant happen at about that time? Was there a change in living arrangements, daycare, new person in his life, or did a person leave? If nothing has changed how is the rest of his development...does he seem to be on track for his age? Does he have any problems communicating, making eye contact, sleeping? At that point I would probably talk to your pediatrician and let him/her know about your concerns for his behavior as well as any other developmental delays that you may have noted. There are a whole lot of things that can cause behavioral problems, including the child simply being 2. Your pediatrician can help you rule out any other problems and can provide suggestions for discipline.

Good Luck,
K.

Dear F.
Does he cry whene you leave him, like seperation anxiety? How verbal is he?

I would definitely look into his diet. Some children can't handle apple juice or apples. Most children like this can't handle red food coloring and some are sensitive to all artificial coloring, flavors, sweetener, ect.

Sugar can be a big a culprit in behavioral issues as well as milk.

For my oldest daughter, gluten/wheat is the number one factor in her violent behavior. I weaned her off of it and after a month of gluten/wheat free I reintroduced it and she was HORRIBLE. I can always tell when she has had some gluten, it shows up in her behavior within 12 to 24 hours depending on the day. sometimes it's as early as 6!

My son is now 3 and a half and at around 2 we started to notice the same type behaviors. In trying EVERYTHING and with no other option I took him off of Juice (any type)after about 2 weeks the "aggressive" behaviors were gone. He is now only allowed milk and water and he knows that he is not to have any other drinks. He's fine with it. And the another reason I KNOW it's the fruit juice (Caprisun's, gatorade, any type of fruit juice even organic juices) is because every once in awhile he'll be some where that the people we're with aren't aware of what we call an allergy, because of the severity of the behavior, the sever aggressivness returns. Don't get me wrong, he still throws fits but now we're able to reason with him and he's at a place that he can listen to what we're saying. Much more controlable!!! I hoped this helps if for nothing else it's something you can try.
K.

Sometimes the aggressiveness is due to an underlying problem...Maybe have his eyes checked...What he might be seeing can interupt his brain function... Also, keep with the timeout...especially if he is very social... My little one obeys when time out is mentioned or the corner. My mother and mother-in-law had a fit when they saw me using it, but then they see how I tell him to find a corner and put his nose in. If he turns his face, I tell him to turn his face in. He will stand there for about 5 or 6 seconds and he gets real upset. I talk with him to assess the problem and I ask him if he is going to behave and to tell me yes'mam...It works like a charm. I started it right about 23 months and he has never had a problem, not even in public. He finds his own corner and stands there to think about it...good luck

I'm trying this with my 3 yr old, who doesn't sound as "feisty" as your 2 yr old but something to try. I'm going to give him a ticket for every 30 minutes that he doesn't do our "target behaviors" (ours is talking back, screaming, hitting and being defiant)...then at the end of the day or whenever he has enough for what he wants, he can trade his tickets in for a prize. I just went to the dollar store and bought stuff...or he could save for soemthing a little bigger (not likely at 3) it could even just be a tootsie roll for 2 tickets. But he would have had to control himself for 1 hr for that tootsie roll. We'll see how it goes...I'm actually doing this for my 7,5 & 3 yr old. And we're just doing time outs for being bad....but hard core time outs. No talking or moving around or time starts over...in the corner. They warned us the first time out can last A LONG TIME like 1 1/2 hrs.....we're just starting this today so we'll see...not looking forward to the time outs.

Well this is my plan, Good luck on finding what works for your little man.

M.

First, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with your boy. This too shall pass. Until then, laugh. I like to think about how I will tell this story at her high school graduation and wedding. I have been known to pull out the camera. I show her the pictures when she calms down and ask why she was acting like that. She always tells me what it was. I understand that in that moment, she is in a rage and cannot think straight.
My DD has to stay on schedule. She does not take change well. Her meals especailly. I have to keep her meals on schedule or watch out. I have had to break her "meals" into several snacks throughout the day. This alone has corrected a lot of the behavior.
Good luck. You are not alone.

I had some of the same problems with my son. You should talk to your pediatrician about ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) which can be treated with behavior modification and does not need medication.

Hi!! My daughter is also like this. I recommend "The New Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson. It is Christian based book just so you know. It has really helped me!!

Hi F.,
yes all children will test you to see how far and how much they can get away with,but cussing biting are things he has seen they are learned behaviors ,so i'm not sure what you should do does he play with older children ?? that might be the problem biteing ,if he bites you bite him back he'll stop.spitting, hitting he has learned this some where i'm not sure where but they are learned exspeically in a 2 year old if you cant control him now what are you going do to in 5yrs 10 yrs i think you need to findout where he is kearninf this and keep him away ,or you'll have a whole life just like this but worse as he gets older,,,but i do think he is learning it from some people he is around
good luck L.

My 2 YO son went through some similiar behavior concerns when hewas two. Part of the problem is communication. When he wasn't able to fully communicate, he would bite! He is now three and does not bite anymore. It is important that you set boundaries with him and keep telling him "No biting, that hurts!" He will outgrow it. Make certain you model the behavior you are trying to encourage. Itf you discipline with spanking or yeling or shouting, than he will follow your behavior first before he follows your words. Good Luck!

Hi! My twins are older now but I use to take away there
favorite toys. They would watch me play with their toys!
You must take away something your son really likes!! Let
him know how his behavior makes you angry and how wrong it
is. Boys are really bonded with moms emotionally!! Seeing
their mom hurts hurts them.

A tantrum is the expression of a child's frustration with the physical, mental or emotional challenges of the moment. Physical challenges are things like hunger and thirst. Mental challenges are related to a child's difficulty learning or performing a specific task. Emotional challenges are more open to speculation. Still, whatever the challenge, frustration with the situation may fuel a child's anger — and erupt in a tantrum.

Consider this: Most 2-year-olds have a limited vocabulary. Parents may understand what a toddler says only 50 percent of the time. Strangers understand even less. When your child wants to tell you something and you don't understand — or you don't comply with your child's wishes — you may have a tantrum on your hands.

This comes from the following article - you can read in it's entirety at:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/tantrum/HQ01622

F.,

Whew... we went through some rough times with our daughter. the only thing that seems to work with her is complete and total timeout. NOTHING goes into timeout with her and nothing to play with. she is by herself which she hates. absolutely NO treats or special anything if she goes to timeout. Now we just have to ask her if she wants to go to time out or not!

After timeout we also had a talk about what was so bad to send her to timeout and let her know that we were VERY disappointed her in behavior and it was unacceptable. it made us very sad... that little bit of guilt seemed to help as well. i feel sad when you hit me, it is mean and it hurts momma...

just stay with it and at the slight outburt or issue IMMEDIATE timeout or other punishment. you can not let one time lapse OR ignore it. when we were out i would IMMEDIATELY leave the store or restaurant if there was an issue. PERIOD. you can NOT be lax for a moment... give it about 4 weeks and he should come around. remember NO backing down or being too tired to address his bad behavior... trust me.

OH and a major point... make sure to PRAISE what he is doing right. When he says please, thank you, may i ... when he does something kind and nice... say thank you, i like the way you hug me... whatever.. find something to POSITIVELY reinforce the behavior you DO want to see. that is the other trick. you might feel silly or it gets old but i'm telling YOU IT WORKS!!! just remember to keep doing it EVERY DAY, do not let up even when it is working.. there will be ups and downs with this but soon there will be more ups than downs!
good luck
D.

Yes, we went through a very violent stage! It is getting better now that he is approaching 3. My MIL told me to find my 'angry voice, tone, and look" to use when I need my child to listen. As silly as it sounds I practiced in a mirror and developed one. My son knows when I am angry at him! If he hits once he gets time out and a warning of what will happen if he does it again, if he hits again I follow through with it (I think about what I threaten so that it is reasonable and likely to follow through... often times I will say "if you that again I am going to put that toy in the car or we will go home)." Really think about the consequence! I know how frustrating and embarrassing bad behavior can be. Make certain that you and your husband work together and find the humor in the everyday growing pains of raising a toddler!

Hi F.,
I was telling another parent via "mammasource" about a technique that has worked well in the past with one of my sons and how it has helped other parents with their children. It's called "Magic 1-2-3." You have to be consistent with it, but I believe you will get some good results. Below is a website you can view. I checked it out from the public library several years ago. So you may want to call your local library and see if they have it. If not, hopefully, they can order it from another library or you can order it on line. Praying it will shed some light on you and give you good results. Be Encouraged!
P.S. Is he in a daycare setting? Sometime the bitting issues can stims from daycare. Just a thought!

http://www.parentmagic.com/

Hi F.,

I don't have a solution for you but I would like for you to know I am going through the same situation. Your not alone. I had to be put on Cymbalta just to deal with my three year old.

Does your child go to preschool? We put my child in preschool so it gives me time to regroup through out the day. He is very good at school but once he gets home; it is a fight a minute. If I say black; he says white.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone out there.

B. D

Hi F.,
Your son is right in the "terrible two's". Often their desires are just to challenge you, whatever you offer, they want to disagree. He is learning to be independent of you. You already are aware of many methods of discipline. What I'd like to suggest trying is telling him while he is good humored that you love him and want to help him when he tries to tell you something. You will try your best to understand. During many stages the child understands more of the spoken word than what he is able to verbalize. Because he is so intense he cannot gather his thoughts and feels like you won't understand, so zooms straight to the tantrum. When he First begins to act up, say "I will help you. Show me. No screaming. Tell me again." Keep your voice even and loud enough for him to hear. Do not shout to rise above his volume. If he continues or escalates, walk away or move him to pitch the fit in his room. It helps if you know for instance that he is frustrated that he can't make the toy work, or tries to reach something and can't. Before he goes wild, speak the words for him that you imagine he is wanting to say but hasn't yet learned how to organize. "You are frustrated that the truck won't work right. I'll help you." "That is not the book you want. I'll help you find the one you want. Tell me." This calls for you to be a mindreader, a saint or a cop sometimes one right after another. Once they see you are trying to help/understand, Some of the tantrums are diffused. Sometimes it is as simple as "I know you want to use a knife. No. That is not safe. NO." "I know you are angry because you want the cookie. You must eat dinner first." A teacher gave me this simple advice which stopped the dd from spinning like a pinwheel at top volume on the floor wherever we were. I no longer felt the desire to hide under the concrete in shame or drag her to the bathroom for a spanking.