HELP, Problems W/ Abusive Ex Who Is Wanting Visitation.

C.,

This is a tough situation; I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I don't know the details of your custody / child support arrangements. If it was me, I would push hard for supervised visitation only.

Good luck,
S.

Hi C.:

I am a domestic violence survivor also. If I can be of any help to you send me a private message and I will send you my personal email and phone number if you wish.
One piece of advice (I know this seems strange) don't move. He could push this through the courts and claim that you were summoned and did not appear and get his visitation. Then you get hit with comtempt of court for not letting him see his son.
Hang in there hon!! :-))

Hi C.
To give you the best advice I probably need to hear the rest of the story, But from what you wrote it sounds like you have your hands full and if he has not proven to you that he is no longer abusive then you will need to take him to court and have a supervised visitation. Why does your son not want to see him? T.

I'm in the same sorta situation. After not seeing our daughter for 3.5 years I let him. My daughter wanted to and he is taking things slow like only seeing her for a few hours with his family around no over nights or anything. It depends on your situation though. He wasn't physically abusive to my daughter just me. He was neglectful with her care though like a clean house, giving her a bath stuff like that. My daughter is now old enough and independant enough that she can tell me what's going on or do for herself sorta. And she's not spending the night at his house.

I would make sure you talk with your lawyer. If there is a chance that the judge will give him visitation, I would see about doing a supervised visitation until he is 14 or so and then leave it up to him if he wants to see his father or not. I would insist on any visitations be under supervision until he is 18 no matter what.

C. I really think you need to follow any of the advice the ladies here have given you thus far, and in addition to that, consider getting a restraining order which would prevent him from getting to you or your son. Does the school know your son's father can't pick up your son from school? Check into that sort of thing. You are a good Mom and you are trying to protect yourself from an abuser so keep focused and do not allow yourself to be sweet-talked by him or anybody representing him. Get in touch with the closest available domestic violence advocate and if you can't find one of those, send me a message on mamasource and I'll help you find one in your town. Good luck and don't give in.

I would definiately contact an attorney to see what your options are. That would be your best bet. ALso check to see if there are any resources in your area for people who have gone through domestic violence. They should be able to help you too or at least give you support, Someone involvd with the group may have gone through something similar.

What special needs does he have? Has the ex ever abused the son?

Please don't be afraid to contact your local DV center/shelter. If your atty doesn't typically deal with DV you'll need other advocates on your side to truly understand all elements of your situation. I worked at a DV shelter/counseling services before kids and it's shameful what little the general public understands. Please think about the fact that depending on how he is, he may take your child and run. Only you really know how he would react to things and TRUST YOUR GUT! You know more than you think.

The good thing about living in NE is that the mother always gets the upper hand when it comes to the kids. Sounds like he has a track record that can be traced. I'm sure the judge will take it all into account. If he does get visitation it would hopefully be supervised visitation. So he hasn't had hardly any contact for 6-7 years? How convenient for him. And now he wants visitation? He's a doozie.

You asked what to do? You hold your head up high and tell the judge exactly what you want and why. Protect your son as best you can. Believe me, you are the good parent in all this and the courts will see it. I know this is scary for you and that is exactly what your ex wants it to be. Men like that are manipulators and cause chaos. Expect the worst behavior from him. Odds are he will lose interest and disappear again after he's created turmoil. You can't control what others do but you can control how you react. Do you have a good support system? Use them if you do.

I wish you luck. Please let us know how it goes.

From what info you have provided, I would fight visitation. If you have documentation of the domestic violence (medical records, police reports etc.), you have something to work with. What grounds did you use to request the divorce? Also, I would hope that the fact that your son does not want visitation would be taken into consideration by a judge. Sometimes, things like this are just another way to keep up the harassment.

Wow, this is a tough one. It seems pretty obvious that your son and you don't want the visitation. But he is the dad. Do you know why he all of a sudden wants visitation? IF it's cause he is grown up and found God and so forth, maybe it would be worth allowing him to have some supervised visitation, with a third party (maybe a big strong guy) present. If it's cause he has a new girlfriend and wants to show off how fatherly he is, then I would fight it. No matter what, I would make it supervised. Maybe you could allow him to only first talk to your son by phone, if you think he should be involved at all. Keep us posted on how this turns out, C..

I'd say NO WAY!!! He lost that priviladge (sp?) when he hit you so many years ago. And your son knows what is going on and obviously has no respect for him. He doens't need to be around someone like that. Loving parent/s are what help children grow to be healthy, don't expose him to a violent person, especially if he doesn't want to.