Help Supporting Hubby & Understanding My MIL

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You write "I tell him to continue being honest with them and not as polite so that they will get that he is really serious. "
I think he can be polite AND honest at the same time.
He needs to take his mom on a date. Just the two of them. Go out for dinner and have a heart to heart talk.

I agree that your finances are NONE of her business. As long as you & he are on that same page, just both tell her nothing about your financial affairs.

As far as the job search, she probably feels that she is helping him (even if she's not.

It sounds like she doesn't have much of a life other than her kids, so try not to be harsh.

Believe me my MIL is NO walk in the park, but if these are your main complaints about yours, I think hubby needs to have a serious, honest face-to-face talk with her explaining that he does not wish to discuss his job search extensively with his parents.

Oh! And I don't feel talking to her once a week is too much to expect.
And the more you avoid talking to her, the worse it will be. Don't do that. Plus you can work in "Not sure--Bill hates discussing the job search with ANYONE" a few times.

As for the call-when-you-get-there issue--it's a mom thing. You miught do the same O. day!

I don't think there's anything wrong with MIL in what you described. I don't see how expecting a call once a week is unreasonable. I talk to my parents every day. My husband talks to his a more "normal" 1-2 times a week. Also with the expecting calls when out/destination arrivals - clearly she worries and imagines the worst - car accient, etc. Assuming, you're not talking about a run to the grocery store, but longer drives - I don't see why this is unreasonable. Does she have a cell phone? A text message gets the "I got here safely" message across if you don't want to have a whole conversation.

The personal stuff is a little more touchy. Some people have lines that they don't want crossed and she should try to be a little more respectful of your hubby telling her that he doesn't currently need her help with that (though I personally wouldn't have an issue talking to my parents about that stuff). She will always be his mother and always feel as such - it doesn't exactly sound like she's one of the "crazy" ones. However, she is stepping over boundaries that you and your husband are trying to set (with the personal issues) and the only thing you and hubby can do there is continue to remind her that you have it under control.

Sadly, your MIL sounds NICE to me - not that being badgered is nice, just that she isn't hateful and inappropriate (and then blaming of YOU for her hateful behavior). That says more about my life than yours though.

Remember, no one has to dial or answer the phone. Your husband has been honest with his Mom; you can't have that talk for him. So maybe he just needs to take a little break from her.

In the meantime, maybe you could start sending her things you might think she'd be interested in. Maybe she'd feel badgered too. Or maybe she'd find a hobby. Is there something she loves that she set aside to raise her kids? Maybe you could ask her that, and if there was something she used to love doing, you could say, "Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful to start anew with that? I want to help!" (and start sending her supplies:)

GOOD LUCK!

Along with honest, open, clear, and direct communication; it is also appropriate to set clear boundaries. You can decide the amount of time spent with someone, the number of phone conversations, and whether a conversation needs to end.

One of the things that inhibits our ability to have healthy boundaries is guilt. We often try to take on the responsibility for how other people are feeling and end up just feeling awful ourselves. Each of us is responsible for our own well-being. Your MIL is responsible for whether she interacts with her family in a healthy manner. If she does not take this responsibility, then it is each family members responsibility to care of themselves and communicate and set boundaries; not to try and "fix" or change her.

It is amazing how often another person will shift when we take responsibility for ourselves and "stop robbbing others of their responsibilities". This does not mean we can't support them, however, there is a distinct difference between support and fixing. Support is done with healthy boundaries. Support is done with respect for yourself as well as the other person. Support is done according to what the other person truly needs not what we think they "should" be doing.

Too often we believe "expectations" are a good thing. They never are. When we hold on to how we believe another person "should" be or we allow someone else to dictate how we "should" be, we are always in a lose-lose. Accepting that people are how they are, that the situation is what it is, allows us to then have choices about how we will respond to that person or situation. When we release the "shoulds" we move from reaction to choice.

Hi there,

It's very hard for adult children to confront their parents when they feel parents are stepping over the line. Nonetheless, you and your husband will both feel better when he's had a little chat with mom. It doesn't have to be brutal, either. "I know you love me and want what's best for us and my family, and now I need this sort of concern to stop. It isn't helpful for me, and it makes things feel uncomfortable when we visit."

*You* don't have to do a thing. Every man and woman has had to come to terms with their parents at some point. If it were me, I'd let the your husband answer the telephone when you think she might be calling.

My husband's mom is sweet, but overbearing in some similar ways. When we visit, she does his laundry. His father won't let him drive the car. (ugh) Even though it makes my head spin, you know, I just let her. When I'm cooking, she can't sit down-- she hovers. I just send her out of the kitchen good naturedly: "Oh, no, don't you dare help! This is supposed to be your night off, good lady!" and shoo her out of the kitchen. She's incapable of relaxing...

In my opinion, aside from the once-a-week check in call, she needs to reel it in a bit. He should be sure to tell her that he'll definitely call if there's trouble during travels, but that she shouldn't be expecting calls to check in that 'everything's okay' unless you've specifically just come from their house or are coming into town.

Just a question: does your MIL suffer from some sort of anxiety? This all sounds very anxious (or very controlling-- only you will know which.)
One thing that might help, though, is to get her out of her hermit house. See if you can suss out something she loves and buy her some classes for Christmas. Then she'll get to meet lots of new people and have a whole world of other people to fret over, and not just her kids.:)

Uuuuuggggghhhh!! How has he (or should I say she) survived to this point. While he may push her comments aside when said, he really needs to sit her down and say, I understand that you are trying to help, but this is what your helping does to me. I will let you know if I need help, but right now, you can help by backing the )($% off! Okay, maybe clean that up a bit. :)

As far as the constant involvement in everyday stuff, he may be able to take the same approach?

I can totally relate. My FIL is just like your MIL. I agree with bits and pieces of all of the posts. I agree that it is too late to try to change your MIL - she is who she is. I also agree that good boundaries will save you from unneeded stress. My husband will often get in the "funk" you describe when his dad is overbearing or manipulating him through guilt. My husband has had to realize that it is not his responsibility to make his father happy and that he is allowed to be a grown-up in charge of his own life. I always encourage my husband to talk to his parents and practice good boundaries. If my FIL is trying to tell him how to run his life, my husband will say something like - thank you for your advice. It doesn't mean he's going to follow his advice, he's just thanking him for his input. You should try that with your MIL. If she's finding jobs for your husband, just say thanks. If she asks if he followed up on a lead, he can say - I didn't...it's not what I'm looking for or it's not in my field, but I appreciate your help & concern. If she then tries to guilt him, he doesn't have to take the bait. It takes two to argue & if you can both stay in a zen place & realize that you don't have to take what she says personally, you're both going to be much happier. I make it sound like it's easy, but believe me, I know it's not. It takes a lot of practice to untrain ourselves from what years of interaction with our parents have ingrained in our natural reactions. But I know first-hand that it can be done. I know there are some great books out there on setting healthy boundaries. Maybe you could read some & get some ideas for how to be there for & kind to your MIL without her making you both batty! Good luck!

are we related??? honestly, my mil is the EXACT same way with my hubby, it's slowed since he flat out told her, you are not paying our bills, don't worry about it, cause he got tired of it.

I think this woman is at an age where you are not going to change her. You will need to change your perspective of her. Mothers are mothers no matter how old their children get. My mom still calls me on winter mornings to remind me to wear a coat and to make sure I dress my kids warm. I used to think this was my mom being a busy body and she didn't think I was a good enough mom to know to dress my kids warm, now I look at it how luck I am that my mom is still around and loves and cares about me and my children enough to call. I actually started joking with her about it and I look forward to her calls (she calls me every day). From her perspective she is not being menacing she is trying to help in a situation where she is helpless. Don't avoid her call her more often and let her know you are all OK and she need not worry. Your wonderful FIL is still in love with this woman and she need not be a bother. Loved ones are only here for a short time so take a deep breath and enjoy the love she is showering on you and your husband. If you call her first you can control your mood and conversation.

Oh and I thought I was the only one with a toxic MIL-my hubby has no backbone as do most men and will not stand up to her, but me on the othr hand I set her straight that is why she does not call my house. The north pole is not far enough for my MIL! LOL! I fell your pain-I do not have much advice just to stand up for yourself-my mil also talks to my hubby like he is 2 it is sooo annoying and goes right through me-I can't stand it. Good luck! L.:)