D.M.
I feel for you. I too was in the same place as you, when I was 28 with a 4 year old son, felt and said the same things you're saying. I can say now, that I am 34, my son is now 10, and his father is still the same depressed,melancholy person. They tend to get self-absorbed. I don't want to say selfish because they really may be the type of men who are very giving, loving and nuturing, but not necessarily selfish. Hope that make sense, but they tend to be self-absorbed with what effects them. My story doesn't end so well, I had to make a difficult decision. That's not to say that your situation will fail. I made it through by focusing on my son and asking do does his father love and respect his child enough to put his child's future well being above his own? Could I afford to have my male child model after his father? Our family situation was similar to yours. I come from a very stable family background, may parents are still married after 45+ years. Him on the other hand, mother died when he was young, father a womanizer, his young sister died, the list goes on. Sometimes people can't be transformed by our love,as much as we want it. You love him than you love ourselves. I found that I had to re-evaluate my definition of compatibility. Like how are his parenting skills?, does he support me as much if not more than I support him? How well do we get along outside of the physical? Is he my rock, best friend and oasis or do I find myself seeking shelter from his rain (moods)? When I asked the tough questions, I found we really weren't compatible I just wanted us to be. If you have old-fashioned (old-school) values, like myself, you may also think that the man actually sets the tone for your marriage/relationship. Is the rocky foundation going to sustain my marriage or hold up 30-40 years from now? I mentioned earlier that my story did not have a happy ending, but let me leave you with this, I begged, cried, pleaded with him to go to counseling, talk with my father or brothers, go to church, whatever he needed/wanted he said no to all. He really only reacted when I told him after 8 years, that I couldn't take the stress and negativity anymore. I wasn't rejecting him personally such his behavior of not accepting responsibility and seeking out help. I couldn't be his parent anymore. I really meant it, it wasn't a bluff. You know the sad part is that it took that drastic move as a wake-up call for him. Now, all I get is "I miss you, I love you, I want my family back, I messed up, my head was in a fog, I was depressed, I'll go to counseling, I'll do whatever you" ALL THE THINGS YOUR CURRENTLY LONGING TO HEAR. I guess all I am saying is that maybe you can take something out of my 11 year experience and not make some of the same mistakes I made. It's truly hard to find a woman that you can actually poor your heart-out who is not going to judge you or the man you love. I also found it much beneficial to get a males perspective that I actually respected as a man. I have older brothers close to my son's father's age. I'm not advocating that for you find a man to talk to because you're vulnerable but my brother's gave me an honest and unique view-point, once I got past the embarrasment of air my laundry (I'm suppose to the reasonable, most likely to succeed one in the family :) ). I leave you with a positive note, perservere, it sounds corny but you'll have an ephiphany one day as to the next step or direction to take and if you don't resist that feeling of reality (if it's positive or negative in your view) you an your fantastic little girl will be JUST FINE :)It is refreshing to hear that you are in love with you husband despite his limitations
