Help with My Situation

One of my best friends is an archeologist who has been taking her child with her on digs since they were about a year old. (Ahem, for PART of the season until just recently.)

She digs in the middle east, so the day starts very very early (3-4am) and ends shortly after noon when it gets too hot to work. Of course, I'm sure you're aware that paperwork then also takes up a significant portion of time in the afternoon.

The major problem for her is that her child (between the ages of 2 & 5) would get really bored being on site after about 2 weeks...so she started sending him home after 2 or 3 weeks. Of course, she had an onsite caregiver for her child...and one at home.

My understanding is that this is a fairly common practice for archeologists; taking young children + a caregiver with them for PART of the season, and older children + a tutor or caregiver, with them for the whole thing.

I'm TOLD it's especially helpful when they're young both for them (they get to see what mummy or daddy is doing, and then get thoroughly bored by it - which lessens their anxiety), and for their parents (they get to the point where they just want their loving, beautiful, amazing child s.o.m.e.w.h.e.r.e. e.l.s.e., being well taken care of for awhile so they can dig, and enter data, and SLEEP - which lessens parental anxiety ;)

It sounds like you've got a great situation though...since your son gets to be taken care of in country by your parents, and you even get to fly to see him (without mucking about with customs no less!) every 2 weeks.

It will undoubtedly be a wonderful experience for him and for your parents. I DO sometimes have to remind myself that it's a very GOOD thing for my son to have many people who love him. (A little bit of jealousy coupled with a dash of control freak on my part) Typically, whenever my parents are spoiling my son to tears (or disciplining him in a different way then I would, but not in a way I disagree with) when they're watching him for an extended period of time, he actually gets a little tired of it and is THRILLED to be home again with Mum. It's amazing how flexible children are. They can adapt to different parenting styles and situations quite readily as long as all the adults involved are making it fun. My own son frequently doesn't seem to even notice or care that I'm gone (I've always called every day, but some days he wouldn't want to talk, being busy doing something more interesting then talking to ME...especially when he was a toddler), but a day or two after being home gets very lovey-dovey. For us it always requires about a week of adjustment time to get back in the swing of things. And while there are ups, there are also downs. They straighten out quite quickly as long as I'm gentle with him.

I myself spent 3 months a year at my grandparents house with my siblings while my parents traveled. My sister always had a hard time for the first day or two and then didn't want to leave when it was time to go. I was always thrilled to go and then couldn't wait to go home when it was time, and one of my brothers didn't appear to ever think about it while another looked at the whole thing as a grand adventure. My point being, that while children are all different; when they're surrounded by people who love them and care for them...it all works out.

Also, even though it sounds like you're Indian, it will be an invaluable experience for you son getting to live in another country for whatever period of time. And if you're concerned about medical care at all (although India, from what I've heard has wonderful medical care), talk with your pediatrician. See if they can get in contact with a clinic your parents trust and have all of your son's records faxed over to them and get a dialog started between your son's doctor here and who will be their doctor there.

But most of all: Enjoy yourself!

~Z.

Hey A.!

You've gotten a lot of responses, most of them advising you to not go. Some seem extreme to me, but that's the beauty of these public websites - they allow us to hear a wide variety of opinions that we normally don't hear since we tend to attract friends who are like us.

My advice is: read through the posts and then consider the unique personality of your son.

In my experience, some 2 yo children would be absolutely fine in the situation you're presenting - my daughter is one of them - she's an extravert who adores parties, new people and adventures.

Others truly wouldn't be - I was one of them - I loved to travel, but I was shy and nervous around new people and definitely wanted to be with my mama 24/7!!.

I'm sure you'll find the right answer for you and your family. And congratulations on being asked to supervise this dig!! That alone is quite an accomplishment.

Blessings, M.

I can see how from some of the replies some moms don't understand the nature of your work. There's something to be said about attachment when it really provides security, but I feel too much of it can hurt the child as well.

We all give up something when we have children but when it comes to professional women, it's tricky knowing for how long it is safe to be away from your career. It is normal for you to be struggling with the issue of being away. I've been in a similar situation several times, leaving my son for as long as three weeks since he was two. On two occasions, he stayed with his grandparents in our home. At another time I took him with me for three months to Mexico and he was separated from his father with whom he's extremely close for as much as 6 weeks. We found creative ways of keeping in touch such as through Skype. My husband would even read bed-time stories to our son via Skype which made us feel sad at times but still connected. This may not be an option for you being on the field, but perhaps it would be possible for your husband. Your son might be too young for a calendar and at this age they don't really have a good sense of time. They just need the reassurance to see you come back often. I think most of the time, it's harder for the parent. Your child remembers you and might feel sad, but for you as a parent, there's always the guilt part which is hard to get rid of. Think that in the end, this will be a good experience for you and your child. In our situation, we have found that too much attachment is just not healthy for anyone. My son is now just as close to me as he is to his dad. He now often talks about his experience when we lived in Mexico with joy and there isn't a day when he doesn't talk about going back. He's now 4 yrs. I did not have family there, but did have a great nanny, which really allowed me to go to work with no worries. In your case you need to put your full trust in your parents. I'm sure he'll be around a lot of loving people and lots of other kids entertaining him, which will be all the better for him. Just be sure, like others say, that he spend enough time with his grandparents and you around. You should also leave for short periods of time while you're with them. Whatever you do, don't show him that this hurts you. Just reassure him always that you will come back.

All my best to you and your family. Do contact me if you wish to talk about this further.

S.

A.,

I think after looking at some of the responses here, you've hit a nerve between the "SAHM" and the working-mom debate! I am a working mom, and I did it for a variety of reasons... financial/health-care, followed by my own personal need to be engaged in a manner that challenges my brain and social skills. Before I went back, I was experiencing what I now consider a type of depression--and that wasn't good for me or my baby. After seeing how much my daughter loved her daycare and the interaction she got there, I felt much better about feeling like I "had" to work. Now, pregnant with baby #2, I think that it would be a shame to pull my older daughter out of daycare in order to be a SAHM. I know other moms would read this and think I'm nuts, but if they met me and my daughter, they would understand--we're both TOTAL extroverts!

After reading your concerns/request, I completely relate to your desire to get back with your field of work. I also understand that it could present an emotional challenge to your son due to his dependency on you. Especially since it sounds like he will have the double-whammy of new surroundings AND mom leaving.

Have you considered talking to a child-development specialist? I think there are very few moms on here who are going to be completely objective, and some definitely have tried to be, and others have not been as much. BUT, they don't know your son the way you do, they don't know you and your needs (and YES we are more than moms), and I'd bet a lot of them have never considered that when you leave a field in academia, it can be VERY hard to get back into it, especially when universities look at cutting programs/fellowships that have high costs, such as archaeology digs!

If it truly is an opportunity that you really don't want to let slip by--think of all the opportunities for your son that will occur in his life which you won't want to let pass him by. You will sacrifice for him, and gladly do so, you are not being selfish to do this trip. He certainly isn't old enough to understand this aspect of your life, but it might provide you the opportunity to continue to keep yourself "active" in your field of work, and instill some of his family's culture at the same time.

Find someone professional you can talk to about this unique situation, it might help you decide the best course of action to take. I also liked Zoe's ideas for giving him a peek at what it is that mom does.

For what it's worth, my mom traveled extensively (2 weeks typically, sometimes longer) when I was young (2nd grade) and into my high school years. I always thought I was lucky that my mom had an interesting job and went to interesting places. I never felt abandoned, even when I got my first period when she was on a trip! I just had other relationships with wonderful women in my life who helped me figure things out (and my dad!). My two younger brothers also did well. For my baby brother, it was what mom had done since he was a tiny tot. For the middle brother, he didn't like that she worked, but her traveling was just another part of mom's job. I don't think he thinks it was a bad thing now that he's older. We're all very close to her now, and she still travels for her job, but not as much.

Hi A. - you have already received a wide range of opinions. I guess I till throw mine in the ring too. To me the bigger issue is dealing with his anxiety now before it gets worse as he gets older. I am a mom with a special needs kid as well as a military wife. Having been through the anxiety issues with my youngest I can say the sooner you start forming a plan to deal with that will make the rest of your entire life easier no matter what you choose. With my son (actually both of them) we started telling him way in advance about things, showed photos, read books about what ever thing was upcoming. We started off slowly with friends helping to watch him, then daycare for an hour increasing to all day. The daycare was great with him, he would cry & fuss at the beginning but then after he realized it was "fun" with other kids & toys he settled down. It took a long while but now he runs to daycare & has fun playing. I am a SAHM but still need time to get things done without the kids. We have been through an 18 month deployment with Dad gone and now Dad is gone again for another 4 months. It is so much easier this time. I have also had to travel up to a week at a time for other things but we used the same plan to talk about it even if he did not "understand" but it did make it easier & less guilt. It sounds like a great opportunity to do this project. I think the time to spend with grandparents will be wonderful. Take the time if you have not already and start sharing with him photos of grandparents (even if you don't do this project) so he can start to know them. Having the relationship with them is invaluable because you will be around much longer than they will. Spending time with them will build great memories that he will be able to cherish his entire life. Sharing your "professional" life with him may help him in the long run to be interested in history & science. Again you will have to deal with this anxiety sooner or later especially when he gets old enough for school. Deal with it now.

Yes kids are young only once but the more you let them live and explore (have them play in the dirt) will make them better kids and adults as they grow. It is our job as parents to help our beloved kids come out of their shells and realize that life will be Ok if mom or dad is away for a short time. If you choose to do this project you may have some anxiety yourself mixed in with guilt but if you plan in advance all of your family will grow and be better off for it. Good luck and remember you live only once, make the most out of all of it!

A.,

It sounds like you have worked very hard to stay active in your profession, and your upcoming field work must be very important to you. I truly hope you enjoy your time.

In regard to suggestions, a couple things come to mind.

In preparation, having pictures of your parents to show to your son will be helpful. If you and your parents both have a webcam, that can be helpful too. The idea is to "introduce" your son to your parents on a daily basis. You might tell your son stories about things that he will do with your parents, such as bathtimes, what he might see at their house (do they have a pet or other people living there?) and things along that line.

The other things that you can do:

Create a photo album with pictures of you and your son. Maybe even write a story to go along with each picture. This will feel predictable to your son and help keep you present. Have your parents read it to him whenever he asks.
Be sure to include a picture of you at the dig when you get a chance, so your parents can let your son know that "Mama's digging, but she'll come and visit soon".

It's very difficult to prepare a child for a parent's absence. When I did longer nanny jobs for parents who were gone for long stretches, what really helped was to have an idea of the family's routine. It would be helpful for your parents to know a bit about what your son would expect during his day. Does he like bubbles in his bath? Does he like a special story before naptime?-- information like this can really help your son and your parents. If he has any attachment objects, such as his blanket or stuffed animal or pacifier, bring them along. If it were me, I would also bring along several favorite books and toys. Keeping things similar to home will help him.

One more thing: when I was in charge of a group of toddlers, sometimes they would need their parents. I would then take dictation and "write a letter" to their mothers and fathers, and just let the children tell me what they needed to say to their parents. Sometimes it was "I miss you". Sometimes they needed to share about playing in a sandbox or seeing a cat.Children want to keep in touch with their parents, and letter writing is a great way to do it. Please encourage your parents to do this, should the need arise. For some children, just having their feelings acknowledged by such an act will be significant to their moving through their day, knowing they "sent a message" to their parents.

My best to you during this most exciting time!

Hi A.
I personally think you should go. Your son won't need therapy because his mom went to work when he was two. It will be wonderful for him to spend time with his grandparents, I wish my kids had more opportunity to be with extended family. As a SAHmilitary wife with a 5,3,and 1 year old I have discovered that these kids are amazingly resilient and that they survive. I was just praising other moms in my mom group who still work at least part time because they can still use their brains! I am just now trying to get back into teaching and it is hard after my long hiatus.
If your guilt is holding you back than that isn't fair to you or your son. Use what you went to school for, what an amazing career you have. And if you can bring him out to the site a few times to show him then even better for you both but also a 2 year old is likely to get into trouble :) All 3 of mine have gone through this stage and they have all survived and all I did was go work out at the gym! My husband isn't home much and they ALL remember him and get excited to see him when he is here. So take this opportunity to be apart of something amazing...it might not come around again for a very very long time. Your son will love you, he will love his grandparents and be so blessed to get to spend so much time with people who really love him and are not just there because you pay them.

9 months is pretty little, and I think that helps. He will acclimate to being with your parents just fine...he may cry for the first few nights, but he will be okay...as long as you keep visiting and letting him know mommy is still around! I think it is one of the hardest things to leave a crying child when you need to go do something for yourself, but also necessary, and healthy. You can do this!

In my opinion, there is nothing more noble and important than raising a child, and I think that two months may not seem like a long time but could change your son's life, especially as he is very attached to you. I wouldn't think it would be worth it to go. I recognize it's a great opportunity, but so is making sure your son is safe and secure for life. In a few short years, he will be out of the house and then you can do whatever you want. It goes by fast.

This sounds like an opportunity of a lifetime - go for it!!! Your little boy may seem clingy now, but children are very adaptable and resilient. He'll adjust to the new routine, and there will be times that are difficult, but it will work out. This will be a wonderful opportunity for your son too - he'll get to know his grandparents and have an experience in India that will have a positive impact on his entire life. If you don't go, you will always wonder "what if?" and may regret your decision. I really can't imagine you would regret going to India in the long run. The positives far outweigh the negatives in this situation, and the fact that you'll be there to visit will provide enough consistency for him to know you still love and care for him. It will be hard to say goodbye, but once you are gone he will settle into the new environment because that's what kids do. Best wishes to you and your family!

A., Wow! I can understand why you would want to jump at this opportunity. It would be wonderful. Since you asked, I must tell you that I couldn't do it, myself. There is no way I would leave my little one. Now, other mothers would jump at the chance, and that's OK, too. It's a very personal choice that only you can make. You are the only one who knows how your son will be affected. Now that my kids are older, if I were given the chance to be involved in any type of archeological project, I would pack up the whole family and go without hesitation. But I made the decision when my kids were born to make being a mom my full time job. I don't regret a minute of it, eventhough I missed some pretty great carreer opportunities. If you think going will benefit you and your little boy, then go. But don't regret the decision you make. I think it can be much more detrimental to a child's self esteem knowing that he is the source of a parent's regrets or guilt. If you decide that it would be better to turn down the offer, I hope you will be reminded often of what you would have missed if you were away from your son. Perhaps you can use that to feel better about the choice you make. It's a tough one, and I don't envy the position you're in. But feel confident that the decision you make will be the right one for you and for your son. That's what really matters. I wish you luck, A..

Which is more important your son or your work? Will you look back on your life and wish that you had worked more and been more "fulfilled", or will you wish that you had spent every minute possible with your son in his early years? I know I sound critical, and I expect people to hate this response, but I believe with all my heart in putting children first through our actions - not just our words.
Best of luck to you with your decision.
Love,
A. (SAHM of a 3yr old and a 1yr old)

What a wonderful opportunity, how exciting! I think your son will do great and he is staying with his grandparents (not like strangers). It may help him as well to be with others and socialize with many people daily. You will see him often and be in touch with your parents weekly I am sure. I think it is an awesome opportunity and as people have posted it is not always an opportunity that just "comes around" and the reason I know is my husband is also an anthropologist and jobs aren't just there. We have traveled a lot with my 2 year old daughter and had to be apart at some of those times (either for his work or my work) and she is doing great, well adjusted little adventurer. We now have a newborn so it will be harder for all of us to travel now, so take this great opportunity and best of luck to you and your family. It doesn't make you a bad Mom to take an opportunity for you and your career.
GOOD LUCK.

this may be your only chance at something like this, but this is the only chance you will have at raising your son. He has anxiety because he doesnt feel secure and its up to you to give him that security. hard words, but he is more important than 2 months of your "other" life. Stay with him and enjoy the very few moments you have with him. it goes by so fast.

This sounds like a wonderful opportunity! You must feel so honored. Yet, I am sure that you will have many more of the same offers with a PHD in anthropology. Your son is too young for you to be gone that long, even with visiting him every too weeks. That would be a long separation. All 2 -year-olds are attached to their parents and display separation anxiety. To leave him with your parents would be hard. I'm sure that they would be loving and caring but they are virtual strangers to him. I think that you should wait until he is at least 5 years old to do something like this. I am a director of a preschool and grandma to a toddler about the same age as your child. I live 2,000 miles away from her and miss her a lot. I do babysit for her occasionally when I visit, but they are for short times. Even after those times, she is very clingy to her parents for a few days. That's a sign of a healthy relationship with her parents.
Please consider waiting to do this job. I can tell by your wording that you feel tense and worried and that's a sign that you should not do it.

It seems that in situations like this there is, unfortunately, no right answer. Do what your heart tells you to do.

Good luck.

I'm reading a book about "highly sensitive" people that explains so much about why life has seemed to me excessively stresssful and demanding – ever since early childhood. I was the oldest of three girls (eventually four), and my extroverted, not-sensitive mother pushed me relentlessly into situations that I was simply not equipped to deal with. (She figured that would "fix" me and make me more like "other children.")

This has necessitated a lifetime of searching for healing, both emotional and physical (I have stress-related illnesses that go bone-deep), and has made a loving relationship with my mom exceedingly difficult for me, although I continue to work at it.

Now, that in itself is not necessarily a "bad" thing, because I have learned so much and have been able to assist other children (and parents) with what I have learned. And truthfully, we all have our challenges; even a coddled child might eventually have difficulties adapting to an indifferent world.

The fact remains, though, that much of my life has been painful for me, so much so that at times it has seemed hardly worth living. At least some of that is rooted directly in my mother's inability to recognize or respond to my needs. Her own needs were, and still are, such a focus for her that she simply doesn't seem aware that other folks have real and urgent needs, too.

I can't know that this is necessarily true for you, but it might be worth looking at from that angle. If your decision isn't already made (sounds like your plans are firming up?), my suggestion is to stand back far enough to weigh what you want against what your child needs. You may discover that what you most dearly want is the health and well-being of your little boy. For now.

Yes, this is a unique and impressive professional opportunity you are being offered. Can you balance that against the perspective of your unique and precious child? Two months is a huge fraction of your son's life, and at his tender age, he lacks perspective about what the future might hold if his beloved life-line leaves him with other people, no matter how loving.

You, on the other hand, have years ahead and behind you. It sounds like you are respected in your field. And even if future opportunities don't materialize, your son is real, and wonderful, and seems to need you right now.

My husband went to work overseas for 8 weeks at a time when our son was 2. When he came back, it was heartbreaking to see how they didn't recognize each other!
The first 5 years of a childs life are the MOST important- ask any psychologist. Do you want your child to have abandonment issues the rest of his life?
There will be other "digs" in a few years, I'm sure.

I had a similar situation when I had to chose between a wonderful carer opportunity (once in a life time thing) and being away from my son or staying with him. The difference in my situation was that he didn't needed to go somewhere else, my parents was going to take care of him in our house, where he knew everything. I did my homework and after learning about all the damage I can do to him I did chose to be a loving and caring mom and stay with him. And never regret that. Being around him it is still more important for me. The question here is... can you afford to stay at home? If you can afford being SAHM my advice is to stay home with him. The carer opportunities can come and go, your son needs you now, he is too young and fragile to have such a big changes in his life, and yes, this first 5 years are the most important years. Leave the carer for later, you will have more opportunities, may be even better ones, but you will never have another opportunity to be around your son at this time, at this moment and they are all too special to be missed. Good luck with your decision!

Wow--- A. - . I must say first that you CAN buffer this plan somewhat. You can start making a calendar and talking with him about your plans for the next two weeks so that he begins to learn what the little pictures on the calendar mean ( so draw little stick figures on each day- this day we'll go to the store- this day we'll take a walk- make cookies, go to a pet store to see the birds --- whatever - the point is the ONLY way he can get through this with his trust intact is if you teach him the very innapropriate ( for his age) skill of knowing that days have a pattern and that he can know what will happen on different days- would your parents do that ? -

Having said that- your plan will likely make his separation anxiety 100 times worse - and we are just beginning to learn how damaging that kind of anxiety and uncertainly is for little children. It is a serious deal. I am a teacher of special ed, preschool children for over 40 years. Many of my students were handicapped by the kind of separation you describe. Other children can ''roll with it''-- Is it truly impossible to have him with you on the site??? --

I'm sorry to be so alarmist- but I am alarmed for both of you.

Begin to study Attachment Issues on-line- there is an excellent Attachment Clinic in Kirkland -- you'll see what I am worried about- and I know you'll do your best.

Blessings,
J.

I agree with just about everyone else. This situation will likely make your son even worse. He already has anxiety because you left him in daycare when he was an infant. It's hard enough to recover from that stress, let alone being left for 2 months with people he doesn't really know. Stay home and love on your child.

A.,
I cannot imagine your feelings of being pulled so many ways right now. I was reading a earlier post about a mom with a younger child wanting to travel for work. There was a good suggestion of taking the child along with a sitter, so they could all be together. Would it be possible for your mother and father to travel with you, so you can see your son in the evenings? Or, if you have internet to help ease the seperation anxiety you could call and use a video cam to speak to him each night when you are gone.
Best of luck,
M.

I think it is wonderful that you are doing this. I wish you a lot of luck.

I did a couple of trial runs with me being gon early on. Being gone for first a whole day, than one night, etc., helped us sort out some of the kinks before the stakes were quite so high. It is worth trying to see if you can spend a night away.

As to the crying and fussing - it is sort of habitual with kids this young. The more you go away, tell him you'll be back, and then return, the more he'll learn that he can survive without you. I'm guessing that, with in a day or so, he'll start to learn the new ropes at your parents' house.

Anyway, mostly, i think what you are doing is cool. I hope it goes well for you, and that you find it to be rewarding and enjoyable.

I have recently gotten my phd and i'm still trying to figure out the work-life balance myself. it is hard!

I am not sure what yu are asking. Are yu asking if we think you should go and how to prepare your son or if we think you should not go.

Think about this for a moment...If I passed away tomorrow what would I want my obituary to say about me.(could happen to anyone of us at any time)
She was an acomplished anthropologist. or She was an amazing Mom.
I guess you can sort of be both but not all the way. As of two years ago you will now be a Mom for the rest of your life. Acadeamia doesn't last that long.(nor is it as rewarding) It is simply a matter of importance. From there you work out the details and MAKE it work. Courage to you.
Happy Decision Making!

In the past I have had chunks of time where I needed to travel for work- going on several trips back to back. Never more than a week at a time, but it has happened that I was only home for a day or two before leaving again for another week. While I am gone my son is with our nanny during the day and my husband at night. But I will tell you that by the end of my trips, expecially when he was under 2 years old, he would almost seem depleted and so sad. He would cling to me and it would set us back in many ways. And the look on his face was complete dispair. It broke my heart.

If you are asking for adivce or other's opinions I will tell you DON'T go unless you can arrange to have him with you. Today, when I have several trips in a row I almost always make the middle trip a family trip so we can be together. Even though my days can be crazy and long, my family is with me at night and in the morning.

I also agree with the others- this is such a short, crucial time in your child's life. Don't convince yourself otherwise.

Well this is a tough decision. Is the decision to go an absolute? It will be a great experience. I think that you need to gradually leave him for a greater amount of time so that he will know that you will be back even if it is a long time. Is your spouse going with you too or staying here? I am concerend that he may not know your parents as well if they live in India so it might be good to have him stay here with dad (if he is staying here)then at least he will have that safety zone of home. If you think of it as 2 months compared to 20 years you can see that it is such a small part of life. It would be a whole other story if you were gone like this several times a year. He will get through it. He may cry, but if you work up to it he will be fine.

Hi A.,
Can you rent a place close to the archaeological site and maybe your parents or a sitter move with you for the time that you are going to be there?, in this way you will be able to see your little one every day...I haven't been in your situation, so I hope that somebody with a similar experience can give you a good advice...Good luck!

Hi A. -

I have done extensive reading on early childhood attachment--it's one of my favorite subjects. I'm going to be very frank here. Your son is in a critical time of development when it comes to attachment (among other things). Two years is not enough time to establish a bond that can withstand a two-month separation. The bond he has with you will be shattered if you choose to take this trip. Once every two weeks is not enough to keep that attachment so, in essence, what will happen is that your child will be traumatized for the first couple of weeks, probably experience some level of depression, and then he will gradually transfer his primary attachment with whoever is the main caregiver for him while you're gone. Children this age (and all children under the age of 6) need to have one main caregiver that they can place their trust in. If you leave, he will transfer his bond/trust to those who are there for him--this is a survival instinct children have. Yes, there are secondary attachments, but in order to develop a healthy sense of themselves, their worth, and the world around them, they need that one person that is #1 to look to for security. Also, extended separations between parents and children are always hard on the children, but they are even harder on children who are in a phase of separation anxiety. The most important thing a parent can give their child w/ separation anxiety is consistent presence and lots of empathy/sympathy. You will not be able to provide that to your child if you are on the other side of the world. Children his age cannot cognitively comprehend your presence when you are out of sight for long periods of time. To him, it will be as if you've dropped off the face of the earth. Imagine what a tiny child goes through when they lose a parent--that is what it will be like for your son. I don't mean to sound harsh.

So, what this comes down to is whether or not you're willing to give up an important aspect of your bond with your son at this stage of his life and whether you can justifiy putting him through the agony of losing you in order for you to do this job. As another mom said, you will most likely have the opportunity to go do your job later when he's old enough to join you. Put yourself in his shoes and consider if you would like your parent to do this to you.

One of the other moms suggested maybe you take your child and a caregiver (such as a nanny or grandparent) with you so that he doesn't have to be away from you for that long. That would be a much better solution if you feel you must go on this trip.

If you do decide to go through with your trip, he will eventually "re-attach" to you after you return, but you may never get the same bond back that you have had with him up until now. It may take a very long time for a bond to be re-established. Prepare yourself that he will probably be either more confused and traumatized each time you return to visit, or he will be distant and unaffectionate.

A.,

While I have never had to go through this sort of separation myself, I have known many that have. My husband just finished his PhD this past year. Having spent the past five years surrounded by folks in your situation, know that it can and is done. It seems that most are saying don't go - but if you really feel like this is something you can't pass up, go. Children adapt. He will be fine seeing you on the weekends every two weeks. Yes, there will be crying and screaming the first week but then he will adjust. You mentioned that you didn't want to bring your son to the site with you - if you are very concerned about the separation, you might look more into this as a possibility. In our last year at grad. school, our neighbor had a nanny that lived with her for a whole year since her husband stayed behind in their old home for work. You do what works. Good luck!

The world tells you go- do it for YOU!!!- but the world isn't always right- Look at our youth.
Personally I wouldn't go. I would make the sacrifice for my son. You can always go later on. You could take him when he's older, then can enjoy the experience and you can feel comfortable knowing he is secure. I have heard this over and over- time goes so fast. I can't believe my son is already a year.