Help with My Son's Fit Throwing

I have found with raising 4 kids and now will be starting with a 5th, that when problems like this arrise, seeking negative attention, you need to try and focus on the positives for a time and forget the negative. For instance, talk to him about his behavior and act out some things that he does so he can see what you see, then tell him that for each time he behaves well that you will give him a star on a chart or ?? and then after a few he gets to go to get an icecream or something else, whatever you chose. Never take a star away, keep it positive. I have tried this with my children and it works well. Good luck...huggs...D. M. Canyon Country, CA

Your son has at least two things going on that will create this kind of behavior; 1) his parents have divorced and his relationship with his father is strained because his mother and father are estranged, and 2) his temperament.

Don't underestimate the effect that your divorcing has had on his (and your other childrens') ability to cope with frustration. The breakup of a nuclear family is extremely stressful for the children. It is probably the single most stressful event in a young life, besides the death of a parent. There will be repercussions as the children deal with the stress and adjust to this major upheaval in their lives. It may take a couple of years. They are going through the grieving process as though the family has 'died'. They will need time to adjust. And introducing a 'replacement' father figure will also be a major adjustment for them.

Your son responds differently than his siblings to seemingly inocuous circumstances because he's a different person. That's where his temperament comes in.

My health care provider offered temperament evaluations and counseling for all new parents when my first child was born and it REALLY helped me to understand the core differences between people that we are just born with.

Children are born with their natural style of interacting with or reacting to people, places, and things—their temperament. These are qualities such as; intensity, sensitivity, persistence, activity, adaptability, etc. Here's a really good page online that I found which talks about temperament; http://ohioline.osu.edu/flm02/FS05.html

It's important to understand where your son is coming from. I know, because I have four daughters and TWO of them are, shall we say, "challenging personalities" because of their temperaments. I could tell you stories about my first born child's 'fits' that would curl your hair! I've always said she would try the patience of TEN saints. Her fits (and your sons, as well) probably are a factor of their inability to tolerate rapidly changing circumstances, deal with overstimulation (sensory threshold), among other things. You can blame his father for his personality "flaws" (yes, we can inherit temperaments from our parents), but that doesn't help your son cope. Although he may have more challenging temperament traits that does NOT excuse him for engaging in undesirable social behavior.

You have a long road ahead of you. It will get easier as the stress of the family breakup subsides and your lives assume a quiet, normal shedule. Your son will also calm down as your lives get back into a routine. Children who have challenging temperaments really need routines - they provide predictability to their daily lives, which is comforting to them.

You will also need to spend time with your son, one-on-one, to help him get through this rough period. At the same time, focus on each of the incidents where his behavior is unacceptable. I've always REMOVED by daughter from a triggering situation as a first step. The consequences for the bad behavior are something you'll need to decide for your son. Teach him some coping strategies for difficult situations when he finds himself flaring up; take a time out, deep breathing while counting, stop - think - speak, teach him to use his words. Most importantly, teach him to think of others around him and how they respond to his outbursts. THAT will take years of conditioning, but be persistent.

Good luck and best wishes with your son. I have been in your situation and I know how helpless and frustrating it feels to have a child lose control.

Dear L.,

Well, for one thing, you are on the road to solving this problem already and you need to recognize it. You are looking for ways to change his social habits and you have a father figure that will help you too. There is a very good book on raising boys. It doesn't talk about girls, much, if any. I have given it to several friends and my daughter too. I can't remember the author or the title right this moment, but it will come to me and I will send it to you. If I can find my copy I can mail it to you.

The one thing that I can remember from the book that seemed so simple, yet magical. Spend a lot of quiet personal time with him. You and your husband can do this separately. He won't come out and talk about what is bothering him right away, but as you gain his confidence and he bonds even more closely with you , he will come out and talk over his worries with you both.

Also, I am so glad that you are looking at him as an individual and one that needs your guidance, as I said before. Since he is the oldest you can be sure that he knows that you have pride in him as the oldest child, and make sure that he is brought into the conversation about what the family is going to do and plans that are being made for anything from dinner to is it too cold for the younger ones to go outside? He will be surprised at first, then start to feel better about himself and be more responsible.

When he is upset, one parent needs to separate him from the group and spend time with him until he is calmed down, and do not fuss at him, he knows why he got separated from the others, be it at Grandma's house or the movie theater, wherever, just spend that time, and it will surprise you.

Also, remember, he loved his Dad very much, and now that father is no longer around. He hurts down deep into his insides, and probably thinks that he is the cause of what came between you two, maybe not. These are guesses, one never knows for sure what is in another person's heart, we can only suppose until they tell us.

You don't need any more than this to begin, and then you can learn more as time goes by, but it is of utmost importance to begin asap, and do not blame him or fuss at him, please. You can TELL him that his behavior is not acceptable in your family, or that he is hurting people, you know what to say. But no blaming. O.K.? O.K.

Let's see how am I going to get that book info to you? Maybe you can contact me and I will be looking for it.

Good Luck, remember you two are savig a precious life. C. N.

Hi L.,
Have you ever heard of the good marble jar? What you do is get 2 jars. One is the good jar the other just to hold the extra marbles in. Have your son decorate the "good" jar any way he wants. Every time he does something good....ie, chores, uses his manors, sets the table, brushes his teeth, add as many marbles you think he deserves. Every time he does something bad you MAKE HIM (very important)remove the marbles you think should be removed. Ask him what he wants to do when the jar gets full. Chuck-E-Cheese, go out to eat. He gets the treat he truly loves or wants to do (within reason of course). Kids need visual. If he sees that he's getting marbles for doing good he may not be so negative or hit. The only way this will work is if your consistant and you could do this with all your children. Hope this helps.

The problem may be that you are getting remarried and it's not to his dad. As a teacher, I often see this happen. Be careful when getting married about your new husband not being involved in letting your son see his father. He could resent you both. This also happened in my childhood. Karate really helps and so does giving him outlets when he's angry. Wash his face, ride his bike, scream in his pillow, journal, draw, play basketball. He needs an outlet in a safe way. I would suggest counseling so he can learn how to deal with having a new "dad". You should also listen to Dr. Laura from 12-3 PM on 640 AM.

Could it be he is angry about you married again, is there a reason you have to be protective when they see thier dad, because remember you divorced thier dad, they didnt. Kids don't know how to deal with change that they may not like.

we also advice the parents to do something now when they are babies and not wait when they grow up, you have to have rules, with something he really loves, as a toy, video game or friend, speak as a another person not with baby type words about his way to be is damage himself.

Hi L., I hear you...im trying to figure this one out myself. In my case my daughter is the same age and she is a lot like her dad personality wise and im trying to redirect her ways so that she can use her energy for making better decisions because despite her temper she is pretty smart. So i hope you and i will get
some good tips from the other awesome moms out there. C.G.

Please let me suggest to you to spend time with your son alone. I have a 5 yr old that does the same thing. What I do is I take him to eat ice cream alone, play games with him, read to him, basically I do things that do not involve his little brother. When he gets angry talk to him, ask about his feeling and what is bothering him, most of the time they will tell you. Sometimes they just need their own space. I am a single mom of 2 boys and trying to give them each their own personal time with me is the key. Also the father may be causing more heartache on the children if he is not a steady part of their lives as the father of my children has done.

Thanks for letting me share,
L. S
Lakewood, CA

Hello L.,
By any chance is he the middle child? My son that is 7 years Old is the same way in a way he is the middle child. I have 5 kids 12 y.o., 10 y.o., 7 y.o., 4 y.o., 2 y.o. so my 7 y.o. is in the middle and has a bad case of the middle child syndrom, he throws fits for everything and then when we try to get him to stop he cries that it is all his fault and no one likes him. It breaks our hearts to hear him say that, he really is a good kind hearted little boy but just has to many fits and it drives me and my husband crazy. What I tried was to give him extra hugs and lots of incouraging words just when I pass him in the halls or when he gets home from school any chance I get. I also try to spend one on one time with my kids (trust me I know this is not the easiest thing) but sometimes if I go grcery shopping I will try to take one or two and leave the rest with dad and give extra attention to them and let them talk all they want about anything then they get a special treat for the ride home so they feel like they only got it and they are special. My son is slowly coming along and his tantrums are getting less and less everyday I look foward to the day they completely disapear....*POOF*
Keep you head up I am sure what ever you do, You are doing it well
V.

well, you got a smart willed and intellgent little guy. I hope I can give you some idea, but you are defintely going to have to work at it. I think your son negativity is a way to control the circumstances that he has not control over. It sounds like he suppresses his feelings and has a hard time dealing with them. I would suggest sports, church activites, ymca. He needs to vent his frustrations. You may think why? I'am sure your a great mom. The issue is him not you. Once he is involved in sports, he will open up and you can begin to find out what is really bothering him and help him. Good luck and God Bless!

Hi L.,

I really dont have much advice for you. I really wish I did. I am going through the same thing with my 8 year old. It started about age 6. Unfortunately he is now going through evaluation for ADHD and possibly Bipolar. I do suggest taking him to his pediatrician. You may need to make changes in his diet, or he may need counceling. I do wish I had more to offer. But I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

My son is like this also. We had him seeing a psychologist and he said basically, this is my son's personality and we just need to adjust to him. We put him in karate, which has really helped him build confidence and control his impulses. Good luck!