Helping Sister-In-Law Deal with Grief

#1. You are so thoughtful to be thinking of her. Don't feel guilty.

I am sorry for your loss.

In 10/2015, I lost my husband suddenly. Grief is hard and different for everyone. We were together 30 years, almost 27 married and 1 daughter, 20 when he died.

I tend to tell people "I'm fine" and move on because I know people don't want to discuss it really, especially after some time. Theyre trying to be nice and I appreciate that. I'm private and don't talk to a lot of people about it. I try not to call/text a lot of people and I look for other ways to let it out like exercise.

People move on to their lives (families and obligation), their lives continue and we (spouse/caregiver) have a new normal to adjust to.

I went to a grief support group over a year which helped because I was in a group where everyone had lost their spouse/SO, etc. it helped me to see people in the group who were further down the grief road than I was. Now that I'm in that part of the group with my loss being 21 months ago, I'm not going to grief group as much because every time is like ripping the bandaid off again and I leave raw. It still feels very raw and new and it's just 21 months out.

Only those who have been through it know how it feels to lose the partner you were going to be with the rest of your life.

I read a lot of books. I keep a journal to this day that I write in daily, no excuse. I've found that I go back sometimes and see how I handled something in a previous journal entry and check on my progress.

Here are books I enjoyed that were not too heavy but a good read.

1. I Wasnt Ready To Say Goodbye by: Brooke Noel and Pamela D Blair PhD

2. Confessions of a Mediocre Widow by: Catherine Tidd

3.Heartbroken healing from the loss of a spouse by: Gary Roe

These books have real life experiences, some sudden death like mine and from a long term illness like your brother. Both types of death are difficult to go through.

My thoughts are with Annie and I hope she finds comfort in these upcoming long days.

I am sorry for your loss.

We lost my father when I was young. It's a process - as you know - and it's different for everyone.

You can be a good friend to Annie, but you are not her therapist. You aren't actually helping her to find ways to deal with her grief - which sounds like what she needs.

Could you suggest a grief counsellor for her? She needs to work through her emotions. Sometimes finding joy again takes a while, and talking to someone who is also in pain doesn't always help.

I think you need to figure out what "role" - if any - you want Annie to have in your life going forward.

Clearly, sad phone calls every day is not the correct answer, for either of you!

Since you mentioned that you really did feel close to her when you met her, maybe the two of you should take a "ladies trip" for a long weekend? And, during that time, you could have a face-to-face conversation to gently broach the subject of something like grief counseling? And also make happy plans for the not-too-distant future - invite her to your house for Thanksgiving, etc - something for her to look forward to?

If, on the other hand, you are happy that your brother had such a sweet girlfriend but you do not really want her in *your* life, just stop returning her calls, she'll get the message.

(I think the only "middle ground" would be something like a "break-up phone call", which I do NOT think is a good idea.)

ETA: My idea is a bit different than some of the responses that suggest simply discussing grief counseling with Annie over the phone, because I am not sure how well you really know Annie, and I think that could be a very tricky phone call to have with someone you don't really know - it could come off sounding (a) like a break-up phone call and (b) a bit patronizing (for all you know, she's been going to a wonderful therapist and group every week for the past few years since your brother got sick or something like that). Which is why I suggest having any conversation like that "gently" and in person, if you want to be close enough to her to discuss those things at all.

My condolences for your loss.
How can you help?
You can't.
Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no set time table.
You are getting annoyed because you have progressed to a place where she has not.
You can go back to your life and while you miss your brother - he wasn't a fixture in your day to day life like he was for her.
My Mom lost her significant other 15 years ago - and she still grieves - she'll never get over it.
I've just had to accept that this is her reality now and it's never going to be any different until she passes away (she's 81 yrs old).
Being across country it's hard to determine if she wants contact or not.
Remember her with calls/cards on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.
She may come to a point where she wants to move on, get involved with someone else and cut ties with you.
Or not.
It's only been a few months.
Try to ask her what she'd like.
But what ever you do, don't push her or show your annoyance.
She's doing the best she can and she might not be ever able to do any better.
A grief support group might be a good thing for her.
I could never get my Mom to join one.

You suggest grief counseling to her. As his caretaker her life was full because all her time was being taken up by caring for your brother. Now that he's gone she's not only lost him but she's also lost her full days of caring for him. She needs to figure out her new normal.

Be honest and let her know that at this point you can't deal with the emotions every single day and do everything you need to do with your family. Suggest she contact hospice to get info on grief counseling.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it's wonderful that you connected with Annie and that your brother was not alone at the end of his life. But I think the problem may be that you don't really know her that well. You knew about her, but you only met her when you went out there when he as drying. So you have a connection, yes, but it was a bond formed during a crisis, and it doesn't have anything to really sustain it. You don't have history, you don't share friends, you don't know much about her. So it's hard to know and meet her needs.

I think not responding to a text immediately is okay. I think calling back the next day is okay too. She may be trying to maintain a connection with your brother through you, but of course you know that's not really possible. And you both have a right to grieve in the way that helps.

The bottom line is, you don't really have a relationship with her. You may not be able to meet her needs. That's okay. You never met her until his final days, and you can't form a meaningful relationship out of nothing but that one experience. You can cry with her, but you can't help her go on because you don't know where she's at.

I think you have to be at peace with that and let her find her own links and support system where she is.

Please don't leave her hanging. She is so vulnerable right now. Texting isn't too hard. You don't have to text back in a flash. Wait until you have a few extra minutes. And it's okay to call her the next day.

Don't let your guilt cause you to drop her as a friend. That is what I think that you are hinting that you may do, though you may not even realize this yet...

Please research grief support groups for leukemia for her. She really needs this. Perhaps you can talk to the doctor's office or the hospital's social worker. They are there for you after a death.

Welcome to mamapedia, J..

You need to deal with your grief. She needs to deal with hers.

Please don't abandon her. It's tough when you lose a loved one. Talking with you is probably like having her love with her as you have memories of him too. You can help her get past her grief.

I would talk with a counselor to find out how you can proceed in a healthy fashion with her and not lose yourself.

In this group alone? One W. lost her husband unexpectedly 2 years ago. Another lost her fiance 3 years ago. The hurt NEVER goes away. Like you, you just learn to deal with it, and carry on in hopes that you are making them proud and happy.

Encourage her to step outside. Encourage her to breathe.

I'm sorry for your loss. May his memory be eternal.

it sounds like maybe she should start seeing a therapist. and maybe you need to subtly plant the seed of thought in her mind to find a good one and start talking things over with a professional. it sounds like she is beyond your ability to help and you need to get her to move onto reliving this grief with someone who is trained to deal with it.

I think that she is in pain, it is new, and raw. Try to be there for her, either you will have a wonderful new friend, or things will gradually lessen as she deals with the grief. You can slow her down by not responding immediately, things will eventually return to normal. In terms of losing a significant other that was in her daily life, the wound is still very fresh. Time will heal. Sorry for the loss of your brother.