Here Is What Happened...

1) Your older two are wanting your attention and they got it. When you're nursing Zephyr, pop in a dvd and watch it together while you're nursing, multi-task here for awhile. There are some serious jealousy issues going on.

2) While you may clean and do homework because you love your husband and your kids, you need to instill a sense of teamwork and 'we all do around the house' because we need to help one another and ourselves. After the destroyed their rooms, I would have given them the chore of putting things back together to the best of their abilities.

3) I don't know how much time elapsed between the misdeed and the time Dad got home, but there is a time limit to the effectiveness of a 'timeout'.

4) Carve out time in your day to work with your boys picking up their toys, sorting laundry, making their beds, etc. Work with them. Yes it's going to take longer than if you had just done it, but you're teaching and cleaning at the same time, as well as spending time with them, which is more important.

5) What you boys are doing is normal, it's a way to get your attention, and even 'bad' attention is attention and time that you weren't spending with them. It's hard, but make time for each one of the individually to do something with either you or Dad. I made sure that we did that. I took my daughter to a movie while Dad had the younger brothers at home. Or Dad would take the oldest boy to the Museum of Flight while I was home with our daughter and infant son. When the kids hit 10 yrs of age, I took each one to DC for a week of visiting, touring and learning in DC. It was all about them and doing the things they wanted without having to take turns to ask questions or waiting for a sibling to do something.... when we got home, they shared all they saw, all they learned, all they did. The 2 left behind were so anxious to see them. And as the next in line got to go, the one before gave them ideas as to what they needed to see and do. Each trip was unique unto them, there were different opportunities on each trip. And as a parent, it was the most rewarding of times. It's an album full of Kodak moments. The conversations, the dreaming, the sharing. You don't have to go to DC to get this, just carve out the time to give them each their one on one, it makes a huge difference in their relationship with you and with each one of their siblings. ps I've taken my youngest nephew to DC and my 3 kids gave him all sorts ideas and suggestions on where to go, what to see... and it developed a common bond between the 4 of them. His younger sister is now pushing for her trip to DC with Auntie. And then I have a soon to be 18 yr old nephew (same age as my youngest) and he never expressed an interest in going or doing because he's an only and gets to go to so many places with his Dad, but he wants a trip with me to see and do what the others have, so they have something in common and talk about.

Enjoy them individually and collectively. It's awesome!!!

There is a system of family dynamics called natural consequences. In this instance, it would would have called for the removal of all the clothes and an empty closet. No comment, no passion, they just disappear.

Another example if they make a mess of their toys and are asked to clean it up but don't, the toys are taken away with no comment. They just disappear. If all their toys disappear, or if their favorite toy disappears and they ask for it, you can say something like, "hmm, I noticed you didn't pick it up, so I picked it up. When you pick up your toys, you get to keep your toys, when you don't pick up your toys, I pick them up and they disappear."

Always explain why you are doing something.

If they throw temper tantrums while driving in a car, stop the car, the adults get out, and wait. No passion, no comment, until the fighting stops.

It sounds like it is time for them to start cleaning. My son is almost 2.5 yrs and he knows that if he doesn't clean up his mess, or help clean up his mess, that the mess goes bye-bye into a tote bin out into the garage. He is a quite remarkable little cleaner when he wants to be, and he really responds to the Barney clean up song - even though he's never seen Barney. Sometimes he will even sing it on his own while he cleans up his toys. It might be good for them to see Daddy cleaning too. It sounds like you are the one who does the majority of the household cleaning. They may see it as a "woman's duty". You may want to talk with your husband about sharing some menial item of house work that you could point out to your boys that Daddy helps around the house too.

I'm tough so this may not work for others but this is what I do with my kids and what I did as a nanny for 15 years.

You make the mess you clean it up, and yes your 2&3 y/o are old enough to do that. They may need help putting the hangers on the clothes but they would be actively participating if they were my children and they would be expert folders by the time they were done.

However that said it doesn't sound like you and your hubby are on the same page. You need to talk to him and work out what methods of discipline you're going to use and make sure he backs you up. When stuff like this happens right before hubby comes home you can inform him in a manner that lets him know what you want from him. i.e. The boys did X and before they eat dinner they're going to clean it up or whatever.

This let's hubby know what you expect from him w/o the kids cluing into any differing views.

I repeatedly tell my children their maid is on strike. If they can pick stuff up to play with it they can clean up. They can pick it up and hand it to you to put in a tub or you can put a tub near them and help them get the idea by showing them while telling them what you're doing.

Clearly your time outs aren't working and I've been there with my son. You have to find something that's really important to them and use that as punishment. I started taking away television (not that they got a lot but when it was gone they didn't like it), I would take away a favorite toy, computer time, a playdate, anything that would make them stop and take notice.

I learned my kids get along a lot better if we never turn on the television during the day. I also learned they snap too really fast if I say I'm taking away a playdate. You have to be prepared to follow through too. I like playdates because it gets us out of the house and I get to interact with other moms but it's a privelege not a right and it made a huge difference in behavior issues here when I gave them consequences they could understand and relate to behavior.

i.e. when he slammed the door for the 2nd time he lost his bedroom door for 4 months.

HTH,

C.-WAHM
4 y/o virtual twins
Owner: http://www.BeHappierAtHome.com

Learn this lesson now...natural consequences. Your husband should NOT have cleaned up any of the mess. Hind sight is 20 20, and your son needs to learn that you make a mess...you clean it up. My response would have been, "no son, you made the mess, and you'll be cleaning it up." It may have taken 4 ever...or seemed like 4 ever, but dispite the whining and crying and complaining about it, HE and even little brother to some degree would have been cleaning it up. I'd have been standing there telling him what to pick up and helping a little bit with the placement on hangers, or hanging things back up, but he'd have been the one doing it. No tv, or other special priviledges until it's complete. He needs to learn that we don't do what we want just because....unless we're willing to take responsibility for the end result. OK, you wanted to destroy your room...GREAT! now put it back! Not so fun is it? I don't say it like that, but soon they learn. At some point it wouldn't hurt to start having little chores around the house to help out. If the room isn't totally put back together by now, then it's not to late to take him in there and have him finish doing it. I don't think he was making a slam against you and all you do around the house, he's 4. He was just letting you know that he felt like it....and he knows you do the cleaning so he just figured you'd bail him out. Wrong....from now on right mom? If you want child proof locks on the closet, so be it, but I suggest you take them off and let the children learn their lessons young in life on this one. They won't keep doing it if it becomes bothersome for them. They aren't doing it to you...or a sitter, they're doing to themselves. Hang in there.

a little love and logic might help here. first I would make the boys clean it up. If they refuse to do it, then i would clean it up but they have to pay for my time to do it. Knowing that kids really do not have any money, they can pay with toys. and not just the crappy toys they hardly play with, it has to sting. maybe a newer toy they enjoy. they can earn back their toy(s) by doing extra chores around the house to help you out. It sometimes takes a few times for this to sink in, be they will get the message. your 4 year old is more than old enough to be helping pick up around the house and should not depend on you to be his maid. the 2 year old is also able to help pick up a little bit too. they are not much help at this age, but try making it a game.

My boys learned quickly that when they did things like this, it took away from our time. when the baby was sleeping we would have our special time where we would read or play a board game together. But when they made big messes and they had to be cleaned up before we could do our special time. Sometimes the baby would wake up just as we finished cleaning or shortly after. They hated not getting to play a game. I would just say, "I'm sad we did not have time to play our game too. I wonder how we can have more time to play and less time to clean when your brother goes down to sleep?" these things have to be said in a neutral tone. It puts it more on them to come up with the idea that if they have their mess cleaned up by the time I got done putting the baby down, then we had more time to play a game or read a book. I would usually announce that I was going to change feed and put the baby down for a nap as kind of a que to them. It wasn't perfect, but it helped them to see that we could have some time together doing something fun.

I would have made the 2 year old fold all the clothes and the 4 year old clean up everything else. My son is 4. That being said, my boyfriend taught him to fold clothes when he was two. He was able to do (at age 2) pants, shirts, washcloths, towels...even large bath towels that he put on the clean floor to do...almost everything except for folding socks. Currently, he folds all his own laundry, puts it all away, and occasionally does the towels and rags also. He cleans up all his own toys in his room also. IF there is a mess so big, that I can tell he has no clue where to start, my boyfriend or myself will sort of direct traffic and tell him what to put where, but we absolutely do not do it for him. I think that giving your kids chores will help them learn the value of what you do around the house...and will probably really teach them what it means to do all that stuff out of love.