Hi, Im new here and hope I can find some helpful advice on dealing with my 12yr old son. My son is a handful to say the least. He has ADHD, and he is and has been on medication for several years. I dont like the fact that he is on meds, however, he cant be without them. Anyway, the problems I am having with him are just getting me to where I want to give up. Some of the things he does includes...He is so angry and hateful. He gets so frustrated at his little brother and sister and even our pets. He talks about people he has never met, such as going down the road, about how they think they are all that and other mean things. He is always taking stuff from me and my husband, things that doesnt belong to him. That is just a few things I am going through. I dont know how to disipline him anymore. We have tried everything...I MEAN EVERYTHING! We have grounded, took things away, popped his butt, I mean everything and nothing seems to work! If anyone has gone through this or has any advice, I would so appreciate it. I would just like to find an effective way to disipline him and it get through to him. Thanks ever so much!!
Hey everyone! I just wanted to say Thank you so much for all the help and advice you have given me. Im sorry I havent posted back to you all and gave more information about the situation than I have. My computer messed up and I just got it back on-line and Im just now getting a little caught up on my emails and everything else. I promise to sit down tommorrow and fill you all in on everything. I can however still use anyones advice! If anyone would like to send me an email to chat, please do..my email address is ____@____.com. I want to Thank you again and I promise I will fill everyone in tommorrow!!
Hi, N.,
I am having the same issues with my 6 year-old son. You have explained him to a T. I don't have any advise, however. I need to find some answers myself. Maybe together we can get the answers/help we need. Good Luck!
Hi N. I'm J.. Although my child is not yet 12 my little brother is. He is also ADHD and has the same problems that you described. I have found that the best way to deal with the outbursts and rage is to remain patient and calm. The more upset that you are the more upset and frustrated he will get. It's hard I know, my mother and I have had a long hard road dealing with frequent outbursts and anxiety from my little brother. We have found that if we let him walk away and be by himself for a few moments and then try to talk calmly to him that he calms down is more willing to discuss what is really bothering him.
Would you mind e-mailing me and tell me what town you live in? My grandaughter also has ADHD and has a very good doctor. I live in Hartselle Al. Her docotr is in Cullman. NOt only does she take meds but they work with her on ager management. Do you think he may need more meds or different ones? Does he see a doctor on a regular basis?
____@____.com or ____@____.com
Hi N.,
I strongly suggest trying Cognitive Behavior Therapy along with the meds. My daughter was much like you described your son. Meds alone cannot correct the problem. New behaviors sometimes have to be learned. It made a huge difference for us. Just an idea.
Hi N.,
I have experienced this in the past with my now 19yr. old son. I actually had to resort to counseling in addition to the other actions you are already trying. When you take things or privileges away are you taking away the ones that are his favorite? and if so for how long? You may also want to try to put him in an activity where he can focus his energy elsewhere.
D.
Hi N., Wow your son sounds a lot like mine! My son has ADD and is bipolar. Have you gotten him a mental health evaluation with a doctor? If not, that may be a good place to start. Be patient,firm and consistant. I would also recommend that you patiently let him know each and everytime he acts up how his action has hurt someone. One thing my son had to do for his bad behavior was everytime he acted up he had to follow me around for the whole day everywhere I went. I told him if he was going to act like a small child then he should not be left alone.His attitude would usually change real fast. Trust me, no 12 year old wants to spend the whole day with mom.
Hi N.. I'm not sure that I can tell you what to do but I can tell you not to stop trying. I was very similar from ages 12-16 and it was hard. I can tell you that he is not happy, he is angry and frusterated and sad and he probably doesn't have a clue why. I would say therapy but he will probably fight it- do it. I can tell you that when I was acting like that all I truly wanted was love. I wanted my mother to hug me and hold me (even though I fought it tooth and nail) and I wanted her to tell me, "I love you and there is nothing you can do to change that. I love you and I'm not going to let you destroy your life." I'm telling you now that if you do not fix this it will continue. You are in control, you are the parent and he will never forgive you if you don't do everything that you could possible do. I'm trying to upset you at all. From one "kid" with a troubled past to another mom, I am telling you do not show him that you are having trouble dealing with this because he will walk all over you. Right now he needs structure and all the love he can get. Don't stop talking to him, don't throw your hands in the air. Find the resources and apply them. You are doing the right thing by asking for advice. Keep talking to people. You could try a mentoring program, you could try getting him involved in something that he would like. He needs attention and just because his behavior stinks doesn't mean it HAS to be negative attention. You have to save him before somthing goes too far- he is at a dangerous age- there are a lot of changes going on with him right now and I am sure he feels just as desperate as you do. Keep in mind that he is not a "bad" kid, he is confused and angry and he needs you to figure out why and to help him save himself. Fell free to email me anytime at ____@____.com care.
N.,
I do not have any advice, but I would LOVE to talk with you. I have an 11 year old girl with ADHD and we are going through the SAME stuff!! I have tried EVERYTHING and NOTHING works! She is on Adderal right now and while that is helping her with school work, her behavior at home is unmanageable! I feel so bad sometimes because I just dont want to be with her... I mean- I LOVE her to death, but she is very hard to be with. Just last night we were supposed to be going to Target and she just went "crazy" yelling and screaming because I told her she wasnt getting anything, I just needed diapers and wipes for the baby, but that after Target we would get something to eat. Well, we didnt get to go because she just would not stop. Everything is a fight with her, and I mean EVERYTHING! if I ask her to pick up her room she acts like you just told her to scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk to another parent going through this. I feel very alone in this situation. Email me! ____@____.com
Hi N...my name is C. and I have a 14 yr old girl with the same problems...however she was improperly diagnosed with ADHD..and we found out after years of the wrong meds that she actually has bi-polar disorder..since she has been on the right meds she is doing wonderfully...I also have her spending a few hours a week giving her time to the rescue mission...a good ole dose of humanity has helped her "get over herself"...I stay with her of course during her voulenteer work...and it has been great...she put up a fight about it at first...but we were at the breaking point with her..actually concidering getting her out of the home because everyday was hell....and her behavior with the younger sisters scared me. Maybe you should get another doc to check him out..they are quick to jump on the ADHD wagon.....I wish the best for you and your family..just hang in there..C.
Hi. I am going through the exact same thing with my 7 year old. It is nice to know i am not the only one going through this. I really thought i was alone. I am at my wits end with the violent outrages and the sassy mouth and the i hate yous, etc. etc..... I have come very close to letting him go live with his dad. I am a single mom of 3 boys and i usually feel like it is not fair to the other 2 to be around this type of behavior. It's to the point that my family doesn't even want to keep him anymore. I wish i had some advice for you but i figured out anything that works. If you just want to talk feel free to email me at ____@____.com anytime. I know it is frustrating and good luck.
Hi N.,
I feel for you! I lived through this before they had the ADHD diagnosis. Have you tried different meds or even a different dose of the meds he is currently taking? Also, try counseling, there may be something going in his life outside of the family that he can't or doesn't know how to deal with. Good luck!
Hi N.,
I understand where your coming from. I went through this same ordeal with my son. They diagnosed him as ADD when he was in the 4th grade. I put him in a Behavioral class which was the worst decision of my life. He adopted the habits of the others around him. I went back and forth to doctors, psychiatrist and nothing seemed to work. He basically lost his early teens, as I could not trust him to be able to go hang out with this friends and do things that pre-teens and teens do. What medication is he currently taking. My son is 16 and this past May we had what I called the Final showdown. I ended up putting him in to the Mental hospital to get a closer evaluation of him. The doctor informed me that the medication that he was on was actually triggering him to have explosive behaviors. They changed his medication to a mood stabilizer. He is been taking it for the last few months and it seems to be working. He also after spending a week at the hospital, learned differnt techniques to controlling his anger. The main one, seperating himself from the situation that is causing the anger. Talking..talking talking about what is going on inside his head. I feel that our relationship is much stronger, because we do talk. I am no longer screaming at the top of my lungs, due to fustration, and he is seeing that if he talks, I can help him work through whats bothering him. I had to look at myself and see what I was doing to contribute to the situation.
As for the taking of things, take what he values the most. If you ground him, take out the tv, his games and whatever is most important to him. Make him understand that this is your property and you are allowing him to use it. Do not allow him to have HIS privacy as he has invaded yours. Take the hinges off his bedroom door, to let him feel the violation of taking something. I am sure if he had to remain in a OPEN room with only the walls to entertain him,and his homework to do it may get him to understand you and your husband are serious. But, again I stress....talk to him. See what is going on with him.
