Ho Hum Marriage.

oh HELL no. honey, this might come off as harsh but it's only because i have been in your shoes and i PUT MY FOOT DOWN. and i know that if i can do it, anyone can.

this is NOT okay. your husband has anger issues at the very least. he doesn't see that his words are HURTFUL and demeaning.

bottom line? your son will grow up just like him.

think on that for a minute.

would that be okay with you? it WILL happen. so accept that.

i have said this so many times that i am sick of myself saying it, so regulars on here probably are too but i will say it again because i am so sure you need to hear it.

your husband needs to change. my husband needed to change. i told him a year and a half ago that if he did not GET HELP and change the way he spoke to us (in anger) that he would lose his family, no ifs, ands, or buts. i was DONE getting my feelings hurt, watching him scare and hurt our child, and i ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to let our son grow up thinking that was okay.

i decided the CYCLE (his father is the same way) WOULD STOP. one way or another. either my husband needed to change his ways or i would be a single mom and my son would know that i left his father BECAUSE he was emotionally abusive and that is NOT OKAY.

it was really very simple.

i told my husband all of this. i received the biggest shock of my LIFE, when instead of getting angry and defensive, my husband simply looked at me and said, ok. whatever you want. whatever it takes. i'll do it.

we had a couple sessions with our pastor, who mostly just mediated and guided us, toward rekindling the reasons we got together in the first place. reminding us that we love each other, and why. reminding us that we have COMMON goals. it was amazing R.. honestly. i can not endorse getting help, enough. whether it's a therapist or a pastor, whatever you can come up with. your marriage and your family are SO WORTH IT.

all of this, of course, hinges on the fact that HE is willing to work to fix himself, too. you both will have to do a lot of work, realizing your responsibility in this, changing the ways you react to things. making an effort to show love and compassion towards each other rather than anger and resentment.

but make no mistake. he is abusive. and your son will end up the same way. you have to get to the point where you know that in your heart. and then you have to decide to fix it if it is within your power. you have to be concrete in your resolution to either fix the marriage, or walk away. KNOWING that it's right. you're not there yet. but as someone who has been through it, i will tell you, it is worth it.

i don't know if your husband is strong enough to make the changes, rather than lose his family. but i will tell you, my husband is no longer sarcastic, belittling, spiteful, hurtful, hateful. i had a huge "aha moment" when i realized that even when "I" am exhausted, frustrated, stressed out, and pretty much acting like a complete grouch- he still loves me. he doesn't get angry back. he kicks it into high gear and is even nicer to me. can you see your husband doing that? i never would have guessed it myself but it happened. i can't give my husband enough credit for what he's done. and i know that not every person has that in them. but it is possible - and it is NECESSARY. your child deserves it.

and obytheway - your son will learn from you too. as the other ladies have said. so- so far in his short life, as examples of how to be a grownup, your son has: emotionally abusive, and miserable but doing nothing to change it.

our job is to teach them. LOOK at what he is learning so far.

BREAK THE CYCLE.

Hi R.-

Perhaps you really are an academy award winning actress...BUT your kiddo (s) are not a foolish audience.

I feel ALL of us are worthy of more than 'happy enough for the kids'.

I agree that alanon MAY be a place to start...but I would also recommend individual counseling (through your church (if you have one)...through the county on a sliding fee?

Also, would your hubby agree to go for couples counseling? If so...go.

Your 'audience' for this 'performance' is learning DAILY what a relationship 'looks like'. And learn they will.

Is this what you want to teach?

Just my thoughts!
Best Luck!
michele/cat

Well YOU may pretend to be happy. But your kids will continue to be abused, and to watch you being abused. They have no choice, do they?
If your kids really meant "everything" to you then this would be unacceptable.
A "bad day" is dropping your ice cream cone, or losing a baseball game, not being called names by your father, the man you look up to more than any other.
Stop making excuses and DO something! Is this really what you want for THEM? You may not care about yourself but what about your kids?

In a "drunken" state, he says things to you and the kids.
Fun for HIM.
Does he remember the things he says?
You certainly do.
Your kids will remember it too.

If your husband won't get counseling, I suggest that you do.
My mom stayed in a bad marriage for me and my sister and although we loved our dad, we often begged her to leave. She finally did after 17 years.

My husband didn't drink to excess, but he was very verbally abusive and controlling. He refused to get help, and I didn't stick around as long as my mother did. I didn't want my kids growing up in that type of household.

Get some counseling so you can have your head on straight and go from there.

I wish you the best.

What caught me was your statement, "In a drunken state, he..." The man has a drinking problem if, "in a drunken state, he..." So, just for starters, please find an Al-Anon group that meets near you. Just because a man (or a woman!) is nice-tempered and sober part of the time doesn't mean that there isn't a serious alcoholism problem. If he thinks you should be grateful that he isn't worse than he is, that's serious trouble for you, and could be related to his addiction. If I were you I'd start with Al-Anon before I look for a counselor... or a lawyer.

I pretended to be happy for 25 years and it didn't do my children any good. Instead, it taught my children that it was ok for their dad to treat me, and them badly. They learned it was OK for THEM to treat me badly, too. That it was OK to be mean and not say sorry. That they could pretend, too, that it didn't happen, that it didn't matter.

But these things do matter. The example you set matters. Your children will become like you, or become like your husband.

There is a better way to relate to the people in our lives. We can speak up. In love, not anger. In love because we care about them and our relationships.

You should not need to "get over it and move on" or suffer when your husband is drunk. Now is the time to learn to communicate to get your needs met. Don't wait 25 years like me. Learn about non-violent communication. Find a counselor. If you can't afford it, find someone who will see you on a sliding scale based on your income. Do something now, while there's still a chance for change. You will be glad you did.

AlAnon. Find a chapter near you.

Ok I want to honestly answer you. Please don't take offense.

Staying together for the kids and "pretending to be happy" does not work!

First of all, kids are intuitive and will know what's going on even if you think you're hiding it.

Secondly, when you divorce right after they 'grow up' they'll be devastated. And they'll be older so by nature they'll be forced to choose sides (who to live with, visit, etc.).

Third, you are showing them how marriage works - Right Now.

My advice: Don't live in a "loveless marriage". Take the blinders off and make a choice for your children. Either fix things or leave. Your children will grow up and do what you DID, not what you SAID.

Fine... you can pretend to be happy enough for the kids... but is this what you want as an example of how THEY should behave toward their partner and children in the future?

They will grow up with HIM as the example of how to speak to their partner... they will grow up treating their kids roughly, too.....

He is emotionally and borderline physically abusive.....

I wouldn't put up with this, R.. I'd demand that he go to counseling with you. He needs to have to man-up in front of a male counselor that he is actually abusive when he talks to you like this. He also needs to be told by a man that calling a 3 year old a pansy is abusive as well.

There needs to be some reckoning, OR you need to be putting your ducks together to get away from it. "Not everyday is a bad day" is not a reason to stay for your child. It will only get worse.

Dawn

Why do you want to pretend to be happy? Don't you DESERVE to be happy? We all do! Please don't pretend for the sake of your children. It will only confuse them in 20 years when you do leave your husband. I'm not advocating that you leave right away, but do get help for yourself and encourage your husband to go with you. Get counseling and help him see his drinking problem and get into AA. This is your next step. Not "pretending" and playing along with this facade of a marriage and life. With the right help you all could be wonderfully happy together and make your union stronger!

Good luck and hugs!

I am sure there are a lot of people who were raised in that home you describe. My dad drank everyday, whether we could afford it or not. He destroyed the home we lived in and we still had to live there. He embarrassed me in front of my friends, just being him. He beat my mother in front of me, but they were together and we were a family. Sometimes he beat me. Of course he was verbally abusive to all of us, because the alcohol gave him the power to do so.

Either get help or get out.

Since you didn't really ask a question...just saying.

R.:

Is your husband a binge drinker? Or a closet alcoholic? Either way - he needs help.

You cannot stay married for the sake of the kids. Sorry - but believe me on this one - they SEE and FEEL your "pretend" - this is the example you are setting for them for marriage and relationships. You are showing them "this is how you treat women".

So you need to make a decision that ONLY YOU can make - are you better of with or without him? make a list or pros and cons...then make your decision from there...

IF you think your marriage is worth saving - then go to counseling - family therapy, etc. to get your marriage back on track. You DESERVE happiness. Your CHILDREN DESERVE HAPPINESS.

Tell your husband that he needs to get his act together or you are gone. It's not an ultimatum - it's a fact. Tell him what you expect him to do to make this marriage work. If he refuses...kick him out or leave. It's that simple. And yes, that hard. i realize the upheaval it will cause, but I promise you this...your children KNOW. They are NOT stupid and they are NOT oblivious!

Good luck!

You have to set an example for what you want your children to learn from you growing up. Do you want them to 'pretend' to be happy when they are not? Do you want them to learn and experience the agressiveness, anger, sadness and hostility you and your husband have toward each other? Or do you want you and your children to be happy and live life to the fullest? I think if you have to stop and ask someone else, like Mamapedia, for that kind of advice, deep down you already know the answer

Ho hum divorce the man do you really think you can "pretend to be happy for years down the road

oh R.. you can either pretend to be happy, or really be happy. it's your choice. drunken state is that, drunken. he is numbing himself by drinking. this marriage isn't working for you or him. do yourself and your kids a favor and kick him to the curb. it may be hard to be a single mom, but at least you will be happy and not wondering every minute what is he going to say now or worse, do now. kids pick up on things. they would want mom happy, for real, not pretending to be one for their sake.

I totally can relate. I'm sorry. It may sound bad. But if you can be "ho-hum" to him and work on making you more attractive. That's the easiest most productive way that I have found. For example.... Do you have a good job? Are you socially isolated? Start exploring your own activities that better you. Exercise (its good for your brain and body and makes you feel and seem more attractive), go out with your friends and family (without him), sleep somewhere else in the house (because its quite or more comfortable). Work on you. Relationships have good times and bad. If you are all safe and not afraid then I would work it out. Keeping the family unit whole is of utmost importance for you, him, and your kids. " for better or worse. In sickness and in health..." It's worse now... Ride it out. Take this unhappy time to focus on you. Either way that would be good for you. But if you are fearful if being hurt or being driven to hurt yourself or others then get out today!!!!! I lived in a loveless relationship for 2 years and we are now very happy. I focused on me: got a good job, friends, and hobbies. It took a long time. Now we have the love back. I think because I became more like the person he met before. I earned his respect back. And I love him more becuse we made it through the worst living experience i never could have imagined tolerating. Whatever you decide to do. Take care of you. Best of luck. I'm sorry.

I can't advise you, in one sense, because I have never been in your shoes. But I can say something that I think you ought to consider: your house is lacking respect. Your husband doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect your son, and if you wait long enough, he will teach your son not to respect you, too.

Children internalize what they hear. Mom and Dad are the two people in the world who HAVE to love them, so when a parent calls a child names, the child thinks, "Well, that must be true, or he wouldn't say it. He's my daddy." If you think a stranger saying it would hurt your child, just imagine what it does to hear Daddy say that.

If your husband loves your son, he needs to learn (quickly) that what he's doing is destroying your son's image of himself, and something that is destroyed by a parent is extremely difficult to build back up. As Dr. Phil used to say back when he was a psychologist and not just another Jerry Springer, "It takes 1000 'attaboys' to make up for one 'you loser.'"

The second thing is that no one in my life talks to me the way your husband talks to you. I wouldn't put up with it. That doesn't necessarily mean walking out, but it means putting your foot down. How would you respond if some stranger told you that you were nothing? Would you tolerate that? (if the answer to this question is yes, you have some self-esteem issues that you MUST address). I demand that my husband and my children respect me, and in return, I respect them. With the exception of gross violence, people teach others how to treat them

Parenting classes and counseling may help both of you, and unless you're being physically harmed, I think you should usually try this step first. But what I would NOT do is continue to live like this until your three year old is grown and out of the house. That's still a long way away.

Good luck.

Ho hum doesn't begin to describe what you're dealing with! I don't care how much you pretend, your kids are NOT idiots and they WILL and probably already know that mommy & daddy don't really like each other and see and feel the dysfunction on a daily basis.

What I realized awhile ago was that how we parents raise our kids will be their "normal". You want to screw them up for life, not a get a divorce, and have drunken abusive rants towards you and your child, then just remember that that behavior will your children's "normal". They will think it's normal to get drunk and belittle your spouse. They will think it's normal for a parent to make fun of their kids.

IMO, it is way harder to leave than it is to stay with the status quo, which is why so many people stay in bad marriages. You and your kids dserve better. Why are you so adamant about staying? Who is that helping? No one, and you WILL permanently damage your kids if you stay. I would NEVER adivse someone to deal with a loveless marriage. You either work on it, or leave. From the sound of it, your spouse doesn't seem to think he has an issue, which means there will b NO resolution. Stop being scared, and move on, for the sake of your children. They don't deserve this because mommy's too scared to be a big girl and go out on her own.

Well, if you are certain and have made up your mind that you will not be getting a divorce?.....I guess you can remind yourself that your child is just as much his child and he has just as much rights to parent him however he sees fit? If that would help you any? You can talk to him about your feelings?

I don't know? That's all I got.
Communication is a must, for me anyway.

Good Luck R.!
Hopefully you get better advice from some of the other ladies on here!

CoDependents Anonymous or AlAnon--check them out for yourself. Find yourself. Find your strength. Find YOU! Regardless of what you decide in your marriage, you will be then be satisfied with your choice. Sending you serenity...

www.youarenotcrazy.com

Have a look. Especially at the "Healthy vs. Unhealthy" chart.

Whatever you do, DON'T stay in a marriage where you can "pretend to be happy" for the kids!!! My parents did that and let me tell you, it had a negative impact on my life..how I feel about myself, about relationships, I was confused what a "happy couple" should be like. The best thing you can do is get out if not for you, do it for the kids before they get old enough where it's going to impact them. Have you tried counseling?? I would suggest that first and see if things improve. If your not happy now, your going to have a long and lonely life. Life is way too short not to be happy.....YOU deserve a happy life as do your children. Good luck