on more than one occasion (actually plenty of times) my husband has turned me down when i want to have sex. i can understand when he's tired but sometimes he is just distracted by the computer or a video game. this has often left me in tears. when we were dating, i wore a sexy outfit and he looked at me like he wanted to eat me up but then about a year and a half later (after we got married) i wore the same outfit and he seemed like he didnt even notice. it makes me feel like im not attractive anymore. im down to my pre pregnancy weight and think i look pretty good but i dont seem to get the same reaction from him. eventually i just stopped trying. he told me that he does want to have sex most of the time. but we definitely dont have as much sex anymore because we'll be too tired or he'll be gone (navy). my questions are, how to i keep the fire going? and how do i keep my self confidence when he turns me down?
i should also mention that my husband is 24 and im 22. other than our sex life i think we are pretty happy. we cuddle, hold hands, kiss, watch movies together. we are each others best friend. we share duties with our eight month old when my husband is home and let each other rest when we need it. we have our disagreements but its nothing out of the ordinary. we are very give and take with most everything. the only thing that isnt quite right is the sex. we have argued recently because i want another baby and he doesnt. but i started taking birth control because we decided now isnt the best time so maybe that will help...not having the pressure or worry about getting pregnant.
About another baby??? Why would you want one if things are as you say? The both of you are so young and even with one child there is a lot of responsibility. Does he have all the financial responsibiluty as well as the fact that he could be deployed? He may be avoiding intimacy be cause he thinks you may get pregnant without his knowledge.
Blessings...
Sometimes you gotta just march right on up to him...kneel down in front pf him...unzip him and let your mouth convince him...when you got him where and how you want him lead him to the bedroom!
If that doesn't work, I just don't know what I would do..
.but know that it's not you, its him.
Just a thought.
Stress and adding a baby change a marriage.
I'm sorry that you feel this way. Every marriage has its rough spot and this sounds like yours!
Instead of wearing a sexy outfit - try something different - like a nice dinner at home and lots of flirting? I know it helps me when I kiss my husband daily - and I don't mean the peck on the cheek.
How do you keep up your self-confidence when he turns you down? Look in the mirror and say "I've got it going!" Or tell him it's his loss. It may start a fight, yes. But you two need to communicate more...that's what gets a lot of marriages - they forget to communicate - "I've married my soul mate" but that soul mate can't read your mind...for some reason people think that once you get married, everything changes...not much changes if you've been living together before marriage..just the name in some cases...you get into a groove or a rut....communicate...communicate...communicate!!
Thank your husband for his service to our country. As a Navy brat I know that life with a sailor isn't always easy.
I would go out with the girls and have fun too. It's always great to come home after some random guy has just been flirting with you!
I sext my husband all day when I know I'm going to want it. I start out flirty and flettering and eventually it gets a little more passionate until we are both so excited we can't stand it. Tell him all the things you love about him and all the things you love that he does and all the things you want to do with him. Send a picture now and then. Men sometimes need time to get the motor running, just like us. What seems to work? Is he more affectionate after a glass of wine? Is he into Nascar or sprorts? Wear his favorite Sports team or driver t-shirt and panties.
So far as your self esteem...I don't know. Rejection hurts. I feel bad because I tell my husband NO 2 out of 3 tries. Rolls right off him. I guess guys are used to it because they've been hearing no for so many years. Women have the pussy power and damnit, no man in his right mind says no to that! At least that's how it feels. Hold your head up. You are sexy as ever. Maybe his libido is just going down with age.
I'm not sure what you're doing when's he's turned you down - but I know that my husband does the same thing. He's got a physically demanding job and so often just doesn't feel like making the effort.
I find that when I really want it, I start the ball rolling - physically. He's never turned me down after I've spent some time focused solely on him physically. PM me if I'm not clear enough. =D
My husband is an avid gamer. If he's in the middle of something on the computer I'd be hard pressed to pull him away. He's already getting his dopamine fix from the screen so nothing I say or wear will snap him out of it. However, here's a little trick I learned that's worked for me every time. Get behind his chair and give him a reach around. Start playing with him. At some point he won't be able to ignore his erection and he'll let his character on screen die a bloody death to take you right there on the floor.
One caveat of warning though. If you bring him to close to the brink before he turns, it'll only take a few seconds for him to finish and leave you hanging. So play catch and release. ;) Good luck!
Maybe point out days that you are free. Do you have kids? can you send them somewhere with a friend so you can have some intimacy? If not, then set a night where you know youre gonna have sex. Make sure to remind him every few days that you're gonna have sex.
Oh, woman! I would be so hurt if my hubby turned me down like that! I am so sorry you are dealing with that. What a way to make the self esteem disappear. I can't help but wonder if he's slightly insane (I'm teasing...mostly).
I would suggest that you do not try to get his attention in that way while he is playing video games or on the computer. Maybe when you are watching TV and snuggling it would be more easy to get him interested. Just make some moves (you can figure out what those are...hehe) and get him naturally interested.
If he still tells you no, I think he's crazy. I like the suggestion someone below made that you never tell each other no. My hubby and I are similar. The only reason we might get a no is if we REALLY can't (due to kids or timing conflict with something else we have to go do or something).
I hope the birth control helps him be more interested since he hopefully won't feel stressed over another child. To keep the fire going...maybe go on dates and be flirty and remember why you got married and what it is you guys love about each other. It sounds like you have it down pretty good. Hubby needs to refocus a little.
Blame it on the computer and video game.s They are a major mood killer and can be addictive. Confront that issue first, such as make rules of when it's time to turn them off, then the intimacy will follow...
Hi A.,
I completely understand where you are coming from. It sucks to be turned down like that. Was you husband ever into the "chase" or did he have to work hard to get your affection etc. when you were dating? That may be something that he needs is a little challenge. The next few days--do your hair, fix your makeup, dress sexy but don't say a word. When he starts to act interested, make him wait. Its time for him to get a taste of his own medicine. Soon enough he will find it doesnt' feel so good....then you can have the open dialogue and tell him what you really want and need. GL
M
The simple fact is a man's sexual peak is about 18 years old. If he's in his 30's or approaching he just has a natural slowdown that might require some more direct intervention as some of the other ladies have mentioned! If you are hinting and he isn't getting it then he is just perhaps needing some more direct communication. I know I don't always feel like sex but I never turn my husband down. My husband is also military - a USMC infantryman- and is gone a lot. Sometimes he is physically too tired from a long day's work but unless he is exhausted he usually happily complies. Certainly being regularly turned down for a computer game would be worrisome for me. You have to look at your marriage and sex life as a whole. Is he occasionally uninterested or regularly? How hard are you trying to get his attention? How is the rest of the marriage? Do you all fight? Are you affectionate? Are there things you could both do to make the other feel appreciated? Part of the marriage vows are to love and cherish one another. That includes sex! No one is in the mood all the time but we should always be willing to try to please the partner who is in the mood. Usually it takes about 1 minute to get in the same mood! Maybe you all should institute a new house rule - whenever someone initiates the other complies! It's not so bad giving in to pleasing your partner and it usually helps the marriage too.
