How Can I Encourage My Older Daughter to Be Kinder to Little Sis?

Try a group hug and kiss. You hug and kiss both kids at the same time. After a few nights of group snuggly maybe the 5 year old will get more comfortable.
:/

I think you are writing about me when I was 5 and my sister was 2. I liked my sister well enough, but I was not interested in hugs or kisses. I never really have been (except from my fiance). I would wipe them off as a 5-year-old way of saying "I don't have to accept your kisses if I don't want to". And yes, they were a little slobbery too and that grossed me out. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was trying to maintain my personal space.

My mom is HUGE on family hugs and kisses, between everyone, mostly because her family was a mess when she was growing up. It has ALWAYS made me feel uncomfortable. When I was little, I was told that strangers are not allowed to touch me but family can hug and kiss whenever they wanted. I didn't really like being kissed by my sister, or held and squished for extended periods of time on my mom's lap. I would just get quiet and kind of freeze til it was over, then I would try to wipe off, shake off, etc til I felt comfortable again. I thought there was something wrong with me because I was never taught that it was okay to not want to be hugged/kissed by family. My mom still to this day tries to trap me in super tight long hugs - she thinks it's funny when I squirm away and ask her to stop. She does not understand my discomfort, and I really resent that part of our relationship.

I completely agree with the other posters who suggest asking your 5yo why she wipes off her sister's kisses, and make sure to do it in a way that doesn't make it sound like you're mad or she's in trouble. Also, what about offering an alternative? If she doesn't like kissing her sister, what about high-fives? What about inventing a secret handshake? Have her think of something she's okay with so she feels like she has some control, and is excited about connecting with her sister in a special way.

Please don't force your daughter to accept a hug and a kiss from anyone - even a family member. You are teaching your daughters that their bodies are not their own.

Yes. I'm serious.

Teach your youngest to say good night in another way and teach your oldest to work with her to come up with a routine that is acceptable to both of them.

This is a actually a big deal. When you don't allow your children the ability to say no or to control who, what, when and where they are touched (in any form), you are teaching them that someone else's feelings are more important than their own ability to set and keep boundaries. This will carry over into how they interact as they get older.

My kids are 4 years apart.
Oldest is my daughter.
Youngest is my son.
Ever since I had my son, I would, explain... to my daughter about how her brother is, developmentally. Hence, he does not understand things like she does at her current age etc. and that, ALL children, including her... goes through developmental phases. And even she did... too.

I also explain to my kids, in a non-lecturing manner, that they are... siblings. They are to watch out for each other. That a brother or sister, is not like a "friend." They are your sibling, for life.
They are family.

Anyway, so since I have always explained to my eldest child, about how her brother is developmentally, my daughter is actually very empathetic and understanding of him. Despite all his age related phases.
If you don't explain to a child, how things are developmentally, then they just think their sibling is icky. You need to give them the backstory... to how things are, and why and how even when they were that age, they were like that too.
BUT I also teach BOTH my kids, that they can SAY... if they want to be alone or need alone time or just do not want to always be, doing things together. If they say it nicely, nothing is wrong with that.
Kids can get tired, of always having to, play, together.

Your 5 year old has a right to not want to be hugged and kissed. You're not teaching her to be nice, you're teaching her that she doesn't have a right to privacy of body. She needs to know that she has the right to say No to being touched even by (and possibly especially by) a family member.

Instead, teach the 2 year old to respect personal space. Distract her by having her hug and kiss you instead.

Have you tried to find out from your older daughter why she doesn't want her sister to do this? IS she just being mean, or is there something about it that really bothers her?

Some kids are more 'personal space' types (just like adults--some hug everybody, for some it is waaaaay too much in my space and gives us the heebi-jeebies), and some are germophobes or just grossed out by slobber. Does her sister leave an inordinate amount of slobber after her kisses? Does she have bad breath? Does she squeeze too tightly or not let go after a second? I have been hugged by small kids that made me want to run screaming from the room...

If you are certain that it is ONLY her being mean, then talk to her about it and figure out what you need to do to have her be kinder. I don't know what your expectations are of your kids or what sorts of correction you use with them. In my house, my kids were never made to hug or kiss anyone they didn't want to (or accept hugs/kisses)... and that included grand parents, and of course would have included siblings as well. What is your house rule about this?

Some 2 year olds are "grabby" and pinch/pull without meaning to or realizing. Ask your older child exactly what the problem is, before you tell her she is wrong in her behavior.

It might be that the 2 yo is demanding, when the 5 year old would be more open to being in control. Does the 2 year old ASK if she can hug her sister? (I mean ask the sister, not ask you.) Personally, I think you need to address this with both of them. The older sister needs to be able to refuse and say no. It's her body. The younger sister needs to be taught to ask before bestowing that intimate of affection and that if her sister says no, she has to refrain.

My older kids are icky when the younger kids try to hug or kiss them too. I think it's normal since they laugh about it sometimes and overall play well together. I second the secret handshake or something. Something you can share. My kids and I do those song/hand high-five thing. I don't even know what they are called anymore. Right now we do "Tic tac toe, hit me high, hit me low, hit me three times in a row... Sally got hit by a UFO" (Then we do RoShamBo to see who wins). It goes along with some hand slapping motions and each night we do that even if the older ones are too old for kisses. The little girls may get a kick out of it.

But don't push her. I'd just let it go, she's just a kid and she may not be into that icky stuff. Good luck!

Hi, Mama:

Why does your 5 year old want to refuse the 2 year olds kisses?

Ask your 5 year old what is her reason for not wanting the 2 year olds
kisses.

No one needs to be forced to do something he/she doesn't want to do.

Good luck.
D.