How Do I Get a Long with the Ex Who Isn't over Him?

Please keep trying, for the sake of the kids. I had a stepmom who was jealous of my mom and me and was mean to me and it did a lot of damage. (Not quite the same situation.) The more loving you can be all around, the better it will be for everyone - might cause some healing.

Don't try. She's not your friend, your best bud. Be polite, but don't go out of your way to do something for her or to make of a point of including in an event, unless required to by the courts. Make sure that you never, never say an ugly word, question her behavior with her sons, make a negative comment or encourage any negative comments from her sons about her. She'll come around. It will take time. You build your relationship with your step-sons. You need to realize that she doesn't have to lose any love, affection and attention from her boys for you to have some from them. This can and is a win-win for everyone. Kids' hearts grow and are capable of loving more than 2 adults in their lives, just like Moms' hearts grow with each new baby, those labor pains are growing pains of our hearts, those stretch marks are the added capacity for love and affection. You also have to realize that a part of your husband will always care for her and she him, no matter how acrimonious their divorce. They have two kids together and they love them in their entirety. To hate her would be hating a part of the kids, and the same for her. They shared something very special and as a result have these kids that will bind them together forever. But, you have his whole heart, his time and his attention. He shares his boys with you, these two guys he loves more than life itself. So nod your head, smile and go on with your business. If you have problems where her involvement is interfering with your 'family time', then you and hubby need to have a honest conversation about it away from the boys. Let him know how you feel. It will be his responsibility to let her know what the boundaries are in your home. Best of luck!!!

Just be polite and kind. Be there for your stepsons. That really is all you can do. I am sorry you are having difficulties, but just remember as long as you put the kids first and show their mom respect, you are doing the right thing.

Hi H....
Speaking from expierence....this situation SUCKS! The worst part being, there is nothing you an do to make the ex want to have a relationship with you. If I were you I would just stop trying, if you are anything like me it's probably just stressing you out. Just go about your life being who you are and not worrying about her. As long as you are taking good care of her kids and respecting the basic rules/guidelines your husband and her have decided about co-parenting then you are doing everything you can. I am going on 12 years with this situation and I think we finally have all come to a "safe/comfortable" agreement on what works communication wise, for us...we only communicate thru e-mail:)

BTW for us things went like this: Ex wanted him back (called repeatedly and tried to steer the conversation this way), Ex was mad he didnt want her back (anything and everything was diffiult, she really mad our lives hell), Ex now pretends he doesn't exist (sure it sounds great but in all actuality it sucks, she does not include him in anything,most of the e-mailing is between her and I).

One last note the ex was already remarried when I entered the situation and it still went this way, if your ex is still without a significant other I imagine your situation is going to be difficult for awhile longer...sorry!

K.

Let your husband do all the "getting a long with". You smile, stay in the car, read a book, love the boys and you husband. Let everything else brush off your shoulders.

I feel your pain. My husband's ex and I were not on good terms for several years. Just within the last year or 2 she has started to accept things how they are and we have been together for 7 years.
All I can advise is to stay strong and be better than the other person. Not matter what, be nice (i know at times its hard) and hopefully they will come around. My husband's ex and I now are on good terms and we corseponde well because there is a child involved too. She was very nasty in the begining and has now said sorry to me for that. Just be the best step mom you can be and thats all you can do.

Good luck!

Hi H.~

Just take a deep breath and continue to smile. Don't try to force things as this may make it worse. I've only been at this for a year, but I have just kept my distance so as not to make it worse for my fiancee's son. She's starting to calm down but it has been heartbreaking from time to time when she tells the son to hate me. Unfortunately this is a lifetime thing you will have to get used to. She may come around, but instantly get mad the next moment. You are an easy target to her. My fiancees ex tells him all the time she wants to kick my a-- and so forth. I just smile at her and never say anything bad - better for someone to be big for the kids sake! That one day may come or it may not, but just remember to always be the bigger person no matter what. As the kids get older it may not be so bad.

I am with the others on this one. My situation was switched. My mom was always trying to be the big one in the situation and my step-mother was completely convinced my mom wanted my father back. Even when my mom and dad hadn't been together since I was 2yo and I was 13yo when he met his wife.
The big thing I remember is my mom never said anything hateful, and just smiled and took it. Even when my step-mother would call and yell about whatever, my mom wouldn't involve me but simply ignore it. She maintaned a very respectful attitude towards my step-mother. This really helped me to come to my own feelings about my step-mother. Thats the big thing just be respectful, and know that the kids will see that you are acting maturely and come to their own opinions in time.

H.,
Oh my...what a mess. My heart goes out to you.

I am in the same boat, and it's been ten years and she is remarried with children...she still makes pointed comments about wanting him back. She hates me and lets everyone know this (even the kids), even though I had nothing to do with the breakup of their marriage (she left); I did not meet him until a few years later.

I admit just coming here to read the advice! Everyone said wonderful things which I have heard many times...it's all true. If nothing else, at least you can hold your head high and know you did the right thing.

Blessings to you!
~ K.

H.,

The best advice I can give is to keep the contact with her to a minimum, have your hubby deal with her if at all possible, and try to always be polite. You don't say how old the boys are, but eventually they will see their bio mom for what, and who she is. You just be you and try to at least be neutral, if not glowing about the pain in the arse you have to deal with. :)

Best of luck,
Melissa