How Do I Get over This?

Hi D. I think you love him more than what you think.
You need to put some distance in bettween the two of you.
I undertand you better than you think and believe me this relationship is not healthy for you. And honestly I don't think he loves you.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. The thing that strikes me after reading your post is that your husband's words and actions don't match. And although it would be nice if you could believe what he says, his actions say something different. Right now he gets to have both of you in his life, which is great for him, but not so great for either you or the other woman. He obviously can'/won't make a decision, so you have to make a decision for yourself. What do YOU want? You deserve a man who loves and respects you. I know that it is hard when you have seen what he is capable of in a relationship, but that is the past. You have to focus on the present and what he is doing now. A man who truly loves you and wants to make your marriage work, does not see another woman, much less live with her. He needs to work to get you back, if you want him. I know that you want a "complete" family for your daughter, but please consider the message that she is getting from watching all of this play out. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman, and you deserve so much more than you are getting from your husband. It is obvious that you still love him. Maybe he still loves you too, but can he love you in the way that you need him to? I wish you strength and courage and God's love as you deal with this extremely painful situation.

We've been with you through this, D., and it sounds like maybe you're just having a moment. Is your counselor giving you specific tools to move forward? Maybe you should see an actual psychotherapist. If you still want to fight for this particular marriage, you have that right, but you'll need to hold his feet to the fire and force him to make some major decisions. You can't let him continue to "ride the fence" because he'll do just that. Also--food for thought--men generally do not leave one relationship until another is waiting for them, so just because he seemed happy doesn't mean that all was well. Sometimes it takes an outside force to spark something, and some people just don't understand that that doesn't necessarily mean that you should leave. It's not her fault, but she is definitely influencing him because she doesn't want to look like a fool, having left her husband for him.

I don't any more particulars than what you've shared here, but I think that you should let him know that you want your family back together but that you will not make it easy for him to avoid moving forward on one side or the other. He needs to get off to himself for a while, with no contact with her. Meanwhile, you have to avoid being his soft place to land and shoulder to cry on. He doesn't get to have that from you if he can't muster up enough to respect than what he's displaying. He has a right to go through this process of figuring himself out, but eh does not have the right to drag you and your children through it. When it's to the point of disrupting the fmaily, then he has an obligation to go off by himself to fix it, even with your assistance, since you would be his wife. When he brings someone else into the mix, you are no longer obligated to help him.

Dear D.,
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I recently went through a tough time in our marriage. He wanted a divorce for different reasons but the thought of ending the marriage was something he thought was best. I took steps into making myself a better woman, wife, and mother. No matter what we may think there is always room for improvement. I brought God back into my life, really listened to what the Bible taught us to respect our husband and we would be loved back. I also watched the movie Fireproof as mentioned in an earlier response and started the 40 day challenge of the Love Dare. If you truly listen to the book and participate in all the dares this will change you in a positive way. You may already handle things in life well and according to the Bible but there is always something we may have forgotten that may help us to become a better person. Because of these actions I took I have God to thank for gaining my husband back. Now our relationship is even better than ever. I treat my husband with the respect he deserves and we are commanded to do and he in turns loves me unconditionally as commanded in the Bible also. I was raised understanding and knowing all of this, but the years in between it all seemed to get lost and because of that I almost lost my husband and my family unit. I truly hope things work out for you and you are able to become happy once again. It is true when we are told to work on ourselves and leave our spouse in God's hands. My husband saw the change in me and a woman he remembered why he fell in love with in the first place. Because of these changes he is changing too, even though he told me he was not going to change. I did not force him to change it is something after all was said and done he realized it was needed. There are two other books I recommend reading besides the Love Dare (which you can buy at Walmart for $11.00), Love and Respect, and the Five Love Languages. Your family will be in my prayers and hope you have the same success I was able to have. God Bless!
Another almost divoreced wife but able to save my marriage and now have it even better than before.

Hi D.. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am a firm believer in fighting for unity in marriage however there are limits that you should subject yourself and your kids too and know when to realize if the other spouse is in it with you or isn't... Maybe he is having a mid life crisis...I don't know but I would fight and fight with all my might for my husband until I heard God tell me, it's time to let go. Really be in prayer and listen to God. Cover your husband as well and ask God to speak to his own heart...whatever his Will is for both of your lives.

Another thought is to try christian couples counseling. Fireproof is an awesome movie as well and I know there is a conference for married couples in Sugarland during the weekend of May 15th. It's called a "weekend to remember". Visit www.fireproofmymarriage.com and it will have resources, movie information, and events.

D., fully submerse yourself in God, let his love and spirit swallow you whole and He will light your path where ever that may be AND give you strength. You are his beautiful daughter and He will take care of...be strong and fearless. I will be praying for you!

Take care.

You and your kids will be in my prayers. My heart breaks for you. If you can possibly get him to watch the movie FIREPROOF with you (with no interruptions/kids around), that could help give you (meaning HIM) a forum to look at what really matters in his life.

God Bless you, and just keep praying. He will walk with you thru this difficult time. Keep us updated and let us know how things are going.

M.

D.,

I just wanted to encourage you- God never gives you anything you can not handle. I also admire you for fighting the fight. You are an amazing woman and your husband should be kissing the ground you walk on! I pray that God will give you peace to make the right decisions for you and your family. I pray that if you do want your marriage to work that God will touch your husbands heart and guide him to do the right thing. He needs to understand that if you do allow him back in it will take a LONG time to earn his trust.

D. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am divorced and also remarried. I was at first the one to instigate (sp?) leaving my husband. I married very young and now realize I was having a mid 20's life crisis. Anyway, I realized I still did love my husband very much and wanted to save our marriage but it was him that put me thru hell giving me all these things I had to do before he would consider staying with me like signing over our home to him, I'll be blunt here-having sex w/ him and then he'd leave to go out with his friends. I did all these things and more to prove my love for him b/c after all we were still married. Well he still divorced me and when I finally had enough heart ache and pain I moved on and met my now husband. it was the best thing I could've done for myself and yes my ex still tried to call on me but it was just too late. My point here is that you need to move on. Your husband is playing both sides of this thing. If he was 100% done and over this other woman then he would've moved out and cut off all contact with her and poured himself whole heartledy into you and the marriage. He hasn't made a decision yet..b/c he is still living with her. I promise that when you tell him your done, you're getting the divorce and that you are moving on that he will make a decision very quickly, but it may be too late depending on your feelings. My ex strung me along and hurt me so much and it wasn't until I moved on and decided that I deserved to be treated w/respect and be happy that he came back to me wanting to try dating and half resemblign the man I had married who was kind to me, ect. ect. You don't deserve to go through this-he isn't giving you 100% and just know that the best decision isn't always the easiest one to make. Good luck with your decisions.

It sounds like he can't afford a divorce and thats why he hasn't filed yet. Divorces are expensive, and I'm sure he knows that from his girlfriend's divorce. I totally agree with your comments on marriage being sacred and families should not be disposable, I dont think he agrees however. I value my self and my children too much and so should you, and from the outside looking in, this man is playing you. I dont believe in sugar coating, sorry if this is harsh. Move on, you will be better for it, and so will your children. This is not someone who really cares, if he did he would have done the right thing along time ago. You two do not share the same family values at all. Best wishes.

First of all I want you to know that I completely agree with your views regarding marriage and family. Your question was "How do I get over this?". As a Christian I am so glad to hear that you are in a church based counseling group. It sounds like you want to get over this and get on with your life which we all know is easier said than done sometimes. These kinds of situations are emotionally draining and exhausting. I've been married to the same man for almost 23 years and while we haven't gone through this we had a very shaky time in our marriage where we very easily could have decided on divorce. We both learned a lot during this time with the help of our Pastor. One of the most important things we discovered was that our relationship needed "selflessness" not "selfishness". Your husband sounds like he is only thinking of himself and unless he allows The Lord to change that he will remain that way. Also, remember love is not a feeling, it is a commitment. Your husband is probably bouncing back and forth because he is basing his decisions on his feelings. If he really loves you, he will COMMIT to you and you alone. I'm sure you have been praying so make sure to pray for him everyday. However, you do not have to be his doormat. If I were in this situation I think I would tell him to first of all "grow up" and start making grown up decisions. He needs to get right with God and then you two might be able to reconcile through forgiveness later on. Jesus said "you'll know them by their fruits". Some people will just tell you what they think you want to hear so make sure you see the fruits first before taking him back. You'll know. For right now just put all of your energy on growing spiritually, trust The Lord and take comfort in The Holy Spirit. That's the only way you and your daughter will get through this successfully. Psalm 34:18 says that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted", I hope you take comfort and encouragement in that. If you do end things with your husband, The Lord Jesus Christ will supply you with everything you need to get over this and focus on your future. One last scripture that was and still is a great help to me is Phil. 3:13&14. God bless!

Hi D.,
I am so very sorry that you are going through this. It reminds me very much of something that happened with someone in my family. He (the husband) had decided that he should be able to 'have his cake and eat it too.' His plan was that he would spend all his evenings after work with his wife and family, and then go to his girlfriend to 'sleep.' He earns enough money to support two households, so he thought this was a great plan. When his wife found out, she went balistic and threw him out. This really threw him for a loop as he had totally convinced himself that his 'plan' would work! I guess the difference is that when my relative realized that he might lose his children (his wife was talking about moving to another city), he changed his tune. He never lived with the girlfriend (she had left her husband for him). It took him a while but eventually he told the girlfriend his family was more important to him. She went crazy for awhile and kept calling and hanging up (she even did that to ME), but eventually she left them alone. The ONLY thing that got my family members through this crisis was really good, intense couples counseling. I don't know if your husband is already too far gone for that, but if he will go with you for counseling, it might help. I only suggest this because 1. it sounds like he is still very undecided about what he wants and, 2. you sound like you might be willing to reconcile with him if he really is willing to end things with the other woman. If those things aren't actually true then couples counseling probably won't help. All I can say is, you will get over him. It will take time but it will happen. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to spend some time on your own, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. You don't need a man to complete you and your family! If the right man walks into your life one day, then that will be wonderful, but you won't know if he is 'right' unless you have spent some time in self-reflection and figuring out just what kind of person is 'right' for you. Once again, I am so sorry about everything you are going through, but just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that you WILL get through it!!!

Personaly as difficult as it may be, I would say hang in there. I am a Christian woman who strongly believes in family! I would do what you are doing and keep him at a distance until he is really ready to make the commitment that he made to you! What a Godly example you would be to him to share your feelings and wait on him to get his head back on. I don't know how long I would wait but I believe in families! And if he does love you and he says he does...he is going through a funk that will be hard for both of you to heal from but with counseling and help you can make it! Have you seen the movie Fireproof or read the book Love Dare. I would encourage those. Hang in there! Keep taking this issue to the Lord and He will heal you and your family! Hang in there!

HI D.,
You have already allowed this to go too far! And I know how much you were hoping it would turn around. He was very blessed to have you in his life and that is part of his own struggle on what to do. However, you deserve to be happy! Your children deserve to see you happy and in a healthy relationship. My youngest is a daughter, she will be turning 13 on Thursday and I thought about her when I was reading your letter. Do you want your daughter to think this is ok? That her dad can string her mom along and another family and she has been reduced to Sunday visits and its ok? Girls model their boyfriends and husbands around their dads...do you want to see her suffer the same way you have with her dad? I bet not! Please get the divorce and whether you date or marry again, you will be respecting yourself and your family values. Its not your fault he left and I get the sence you have much guilt for this and maybe that is why you continue to hang on??? Your husband is unfaithful to you and your daughter, he is unfaithful to his live in by just the thought of him still loving you...I promise he will want you back immediately if he thinks you will be dating someone else. He wants it all. You must be the bigger person, take charge for your daughter's sake and move on. Your life is not meant to be spent like this..god has great plans for you ahead. Good luck don't look back, & start living again. I hope this helps. K.

Hi D. - I feel your pain. It looks bad but not hopeless. However, you've been playing things by his rules, and look where that's gotten you. You need to start playing by your rules.

Yes, the woman is broken, but he's the one who went after her. Rule #1: no further contact with her, either open or underground. He must be totally accountable. Rule #2: If he won't/can't/whatever obey Rule #1 within a reasonable amount of time, say 3 months, the divorce goes through and that's it.

I go to a church where we have house churches - tight small groups that meet every week. They are great at keeping people accountable. Find something like that where they will do some of the fighting for you.

I believe you are doing to right thing by going to counseling and church. Do what your heart desires...but dont be a fool for anyone. The bible says divorce is ok in the case of adultry. You have to think about your health and if he is living with this woman chances are that he is having unprotected sex with her and you dont want any parts of that. Dont wait around for him because as long as you let him do what he is doing without consequences he is going to continue to do. Push for your divorce and see what he does....seriously. He is putting her feelings ahead of yours and that indicates to me that he cares for her deeper that he admits. If he was going to leave her, he would have left already. Men think that the grass is greener on the other side until they actually get on the other side and relizes that all relationships start off great until you really get to know that other person. It seems like they are having problems and now he want to run back to you now. Dont make it that easy for him. Dont make yourself readily available for him. Get out and date...you dont have to have sex but mingle with the opposite sex...there is nothing wrong with that. Try to meet men who shares the same values as yourself. I dont mean to sound negative its just reality if you really look at it. Pray about it and ask God to rid your heart of any anger you may have and let it go.

Hi D.,

I have been married for only 3 years but together for 11. I'm still new at this....we have a great marriage and a beautiful 2 yr. old son. I have always thought that God has someone in mind for everyone. Sounds like he is just having his cake and eat it too, he needs to grow up and think that his actions and playing house with someone else is not affecting him but others as well, like you and his daughter. His actions sound very selfish to me and you probably deserve someone who is going to treat you better and give the love of a spouse and not a friend and not just float in when it is convenient for him. Sounds like you both don't have the same beliefs in the sanctity of marriage....if he believed in that he would not be doing what he is. I say have your faith in the Lord and think about your kids. Sounds like he is in and out of the relationship and that is not stable for your daughter.....I'm sure you know your child comes first...( which it sounds like you do)...but you may be all the parent she needs right now....having a positive male role model in her life may also come in the form of a grandfather or good friend. Children need stability more than anything and it sounds like this past year both of your lives has been turned upside down....so just stay positive in your faith and continue to look forward. Good Luck.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sweetie, this is more than a hickup. I agree that marriage is not disposable, but your husband is treating it that way. Counseling and your church will help but I think you need the boundaries of at least a legal separation. Who is paying the bills? Is he involved in your children's life in an appropriate manner?

To explore in counseling? How can you trust his intentions to move out? What example is your daughter learning that its okay for her father to treat the family this way? Why are you putting your life on hold for someone who doesn't value your hopes and dreams.

How strong you are for putting your family first. I hope you continue to be strong. I admire your faith in God.

Best of luck

You have really gotten some great advice so far. I really don't have any advice on what the right course of action is for you but I just want to encourage you that you have authority over your life to do your best to hear God and do what you sense in your heart is best. Biblically speaking you are within the parameters that allow for divorce, but of course you don't have to make that choice unless you believe that it is best for you and your children. I had a situation with a long term relationship at one time in my life, it wasn't exactly like your situation, but the guy was definitely flaky about what he wanted! I finally got super brave and asked the Lord to reveal the guy's true heart to me. Over the next two weeks, things went from bad to terrible. I broke things off with him and never looked back. Now I know that marriage is such a deep connection and covenant, but maybe try that and see if God will show you what is going on with your husband and if there is anything there worth fighting for. You can't fight alone, but you never know, he might have just gone bananas and still have true love for you in his heart. I just wish you and your family all the best, and whatever decision you make it will be the right one. Hang in there!!!! Lean on Jesus and He will be all the Husband you need as you walk through this trying time:)