How Do I Help My Husband to Respect My JOB as a Stay at Home Mom/housekeeper?

Everything that Rae and Julie said! Try to get the kids to nap at the same time so you can rest. Don't feel that laundry has to be done every day. Use weekends to prepare freezer meals. While I don't agree with the delivery of his message, you also do have to recognize that he just got off a 12 hrs shift.

I was a stay at home mom for 18 years with two years between the kids and I am having a lot of trouble feeling sorry for you. I never felt like I got a break when they were young but then I also did get a lot of breaks they are just harder to see because it isn't like a manager comes up to you and says hey sit down and grab a bite. Your husband worked 12 hours! and you think he should come home and give you the night off. When does he get his down time?

I really don't understand stay at home moms these days. Sure we didn't feel we got much of a break but instead of whining that our husbands should do our job when they got home to make it easier on us we worked on making our kids behave which made our jobs so much easier.

So although I get that you are both worn out, you are both going through the hardest, physically, part of raising kids, trust me teens will make you mentally exhausted. Expecting your husband to take up the slack is not the solution.

Per your what happened, please listen to what you just wrote. He stayed late to impress his bosses so that he can get a promotion and raise. He didn't do it to avoid helping you. He did it to get a raise so maybe you can move to a bigger house or maybe a bigger yard, things that will make your job easier. When I was first married I lived above a funeral home, my ex's family business, because we could save almost everything he made for a house. It was hell because every morning I got two kids dressed and out the door and we would drive out to the county to parks, to malls, to anything that gave them room to run, we didn't have that at the apartment, ya know. My older kids were 3 and 5 when we moved to this house. Do you have any idea how much easier it is to raise kids when there is a huge yard right out your back door?

Your husband is doing all he is capable of to make your life easier, appreciate that. No one can understand how hard it is to be a stay at home mom because it isn't that hard, sorry, it isn't. It is hard only because it is the same thing over and over and over and no one will ever tell you that you are doing a good job or a bad job and you won't know you did a good job until your kids are adults and they will actually thank you. That is what makes it hard. So when you tell someone who works that it is hard they are looking at the work of it and thinking you watch kids, get over yourself. That is human nature.

So understand why it is hard, it took me years, heck my kids were in their teens before I figured out why they were so hard when they were little, ya know? If you can actually explain it then I am willing to bet your husband will understand why coming home and saying you do a great job let me take the reigns for a bit will mean the world to you.

A lot of guys think like this.
And, to a large degree - this is exactly what being a stay at home mom is.
Your 'dream' is all idealized with the unicorns and rainbows and things don't always turn out like what we thought they'd be like.
Granted a 12 hr shift is nothing to sneeze at.
He's tired - and you're tired - and neither one of you has any sympathy for the other right now.
And being the sole bread winner has it's stresses.

Create a toddler safe area in your home - where he/she can't climb on any tables.
Use a playpen - sometimes the baby is in there - other times the toddler is in there.
Hire a sitter or have a relative come over for a few hours to watch the kids while you catch up on some sleep.
Things aren't going to run smoothly until your youngest is about 4 (and this will reset if you have another baby) - so just accept your life will be relatively chaotic while you have little kids in the house.

As a Mom who had a job outside the home (and my husband did too) - our son started going to daycare at 3 months old - we were still tired and short on sleep and we all had to be out the door at 6am Mon through Fri.
No matter what you do - it's never easy and no one has it any better than anyone else.

I started a tradition of Breakfast with Daddy on Sunday mornings outside of the house, saying DH needed to have a relationship with his son, cause his son loved him (which he does.) Started doing this when DS was 6 months old. After a couple of solo breakfasts with Daddy, DH seemed to get a greater appreciation, just from experience, what it was like to be with a child..even for an hour or two.

I didn't say: Aha! See how hard it is...he seemed to gradually realize it on his own. Breakfast with Daddy has continued (DS is now 14), and I do think it helps their relationships, plus he can actually experience being with a now uncommunicative teenager solo.

Take care.

dang.

i'm very sorry that it's taken several years (i assume) of marriage and two small children for you to wake up to the fact that you don't really have a partner.

did you two discuss children before you had them? what your expectations were, how to handle the enormously stressful and important job of parenting them?

i don't know how to make your husband do anything, quite frankly. i mean, he's right on the one hand. working 12 hour shifts in a busy restaurant is exhausting (BTDT.) i get why he feels you should be supportive of HIM while he works that hard to make it possible for you to stay home with the babies. i'd have loved to have that option.

but it also utterly disregards the simple fact that newborns and toddlers are also exhausting, and you do need help parenting them. you're certainly not out of line to be in a state of shock that your difficult and tiring role in this family plan is being disregarded and disrespected.

but how to fix it? it depends a lot on the backstory. did he want kids too? was he always on board with being the single breadwinner? what was he like with your first? does he interact with the new baby? does he understand that it's a short term situation right now with two very demanding little people, and that while it will be a tough (but wonderful!) row to hoe for a while, it will get easier as they get a little older? or has he always been totally hands off?

obviously counseling will help. it's hard to offer anything useful here, as the handling techniques for a guy who's all about family but not quite seeing the big picture would be very different from a guy who feels shanghai-ed into this and is resentful and resistant.

i hope you can figure out a way to communicate compassionately and clearly with one another and get past this rough bit.

ETA after your SWH i feel for your husband. the guy is pulling 12 hour shifts and trying to get promoted so you could have your dream (one i would have LOVED) of being a SAHM, and instead you just want everyone to join you in bashing him. i get that your dream isn't as rosy as you'd hoped, but i'll bet your husband, who is getting zero support from you, feels the same way.
khairete
S.

My only thought is - your husband has been like this forever, right? Was he not like this after baby #1?

Change your expectation. This is who you married. He's not going to help out. So come up with ways to make life easier on yourself. At 7 weeks, it's still very much just whatever works. But soon naps will be regular, and it will get easier. And you'll get into a routine.

My friend got a big fenced in area on her main floor for toddler. She didn't have to worry toddler was getting into stuff because she was contained. I had us all on one floor, and I made it into a jungle gym. Set up to keep toddler entertained. Whatever was easiest. I viewed it as a very short time that was this crazy and hard. It gets easier.

Meals - basic. Laundry - as needed. Cleaning up - If I ever got to it.

Crying baby - I had a swing, a bouncy seat with vibrations, etc. I spent the money and got contraptions that meant I could be hands free. This was after having a colicky baby the first time.

I outfitted my house, and every room, to make it easier for me. I found napping hard, so I had my toddler watch a video while baby napped, and I put feet up for a while.

Take care of yourself. Your husband is not going to change his ways - unless you try counseling or something.

I have done both jobs...I was a restaurant manager before I had kids and I was also a SAHM of an infant and a toddler. Both jobs were physically and emotionally exhausting, so I feel for both of you. What you need to do is accept that this is what life is like with very young children and lower your expectations (of how much sleep you will get, how much you will get done in the house and how much help you will get from your husband). You need to be creative to get things done. Do housework in smaller chunks, like make the goal to clean the toilet, not the whole bathroom. Hire a cleaning service for a one time clean. Call in favours from friends and family to get some help. Get out and join a moms group so you don't feel so alone. Cat nap while baby is nursing. Find a pre-school program the toddler can go to a couple times a week. On your husbands day off take a few hours out of the house by your self while he watches the kids, even if it is just grocery shopping. When you ask your husband for help be specific. Not "I need help", but "I need you to hold the baby right now while I eat'", "I need you to get the laundry from the dryer and fold it.". It will not be like this forever. Every day feels like an eternity, but before you know it three years will have passed and you will wake up and find them eating breakfast they got themselves and watching cartoons.

ETA: The answer to how to show him your job is work too is to let him try it. Go out and leave him with the kids and a list of things to do. He should figure it out pretty quick.

Most of us struggle with feelings like this from time to time. I say you are both in a very tiring place in life right now...working long hours (both of you!), babies and toddlers. It's just hard. And exhausting. Try to be patient with each other because things will change drastically. Talk with him kindly about how you feel because your feelings are valid. His are too. You are both tired.PS -- My husband got how hard it is the more he had to take care of kids on his own. I did a weekend women's retreat once where he was on his own. Or I would be gone all day doing errands. Some friends do weekends women's trips once a year. I had to go help my mom for a week once when she injured herself. Now when I need to go for any reason he always gets his mom to come and help...then she does it all. I like it when all the responsibility is on him because then he really gets how much work it is. Do you ever leave the kids with him? I know your kids are very young so I'm guessing you have not done this yet. The more responsibility he takes doing kid/baby care the more he will appreciate what you do all day. Don't rely only on him to give you breaks since he works such long hours. When my kids were this young I would go to a friend's house twice a week and we could take turns watching each other's kids for an hour. We could both go for a run...but that time could be used for grocery shopping or just walking around and having some alone time. When my kids were about age 2/3 I hired a part time nanny for twice a week. She would come for a few hours and I had a part time job. Then at age 3 they were in preschool 3 mornings a week...again I worked a part time flexible job that I enjoyed. Some churches have a free mom's day out program. I joined the YMCA when my kids were little for the free child care. I could take an exercise class while they went in the child care room. It was also a nice break. Just hang in there...at age 5 your kids are in school...life gets easier.

You and your husband are in a very difficult season of life for many marriages. The key is to work on improving your connection, communication, and compassion for each other. You both are feeling fried and unappreciated. Keep trying to talk things over. Let him know you appreciate that you have the opportunity to stay home but nonetheless you will need help sometimes. Ask him what he need from you. Brainstorm ways he might be able to help out more in the evenings. Lastly, know that things get easier with time. My marriage struggled during this exact phase of life. My issue was that I couldn't stay home with my baby and I was beside myself trying to juggle it all. I bawled my eyes out each time I dropped her off at daycare for the first few months. I would have given anything to stay home. Hubs and I both worked but I still did most of the caretaking. I accepted it because it gave me time with my baby. Can you join a mom's group to get some outside support and companionship? Can you hire a mother's helper to come once a week so you can catch more of a break? Do you have family near by?

It's a stressful time.. adjusting to a new baby , keeping toddler safe and house clean, food, etc..

Your husband works hard and probably stays on his feet most of the time if he is in the restaurant business..

So you both are fried when it comes to the evening.

It sounds to me like you need a more structured routine that will help you and him out. You also need to communicate to your husband that taking care of your children is the responsibility of both parents. He needs to step up and help out.

Nap when the kids nap, and worry less about the laundry/pick up. Use a play pen to help when you do clean the house. It saved my life numerous times. That way your toddler will be safe and you can get some time to clean the house.

I'm not a very organized person, but after I had my son and it was just him and I , as my husband worked long hours-I had to be strict with my time.. it helped us keep focused, and I was able to find time to rest.

Added:: Also , being a stay at home parent taking care of your kids shouldn't be considered a JOB.. it's a right and a privilege to be able to do that.. not everyone can..

Please try to remember that you are both under a lot of pressure and stress. Newborns are hard, on everyone in the house. Toddlers are hard too. My husband and I had a very rough year when we had a 2 year old and a baby. It was very long, there were lots of mean things said. My husband made lots of comments like yours. He did help out a lot, but to be honest, it wasn't until we had our third that he really stepped up to bat. He remembered how hard the previous two times were, and he did a lot more night shifts so i could sleep. Remember, he never gets to clock out too! He's at work and then comes home to a bunch of people making even more demands of him. It's time for you guys to have a chat to figure out how you can help each other get through the next month. You are in the thick of a wonder period with a baby, but in a little over a month, baby should settled into a sleep schedule, and you should be able to get some sleep! But you need to enter combat: on his days off, do all the cooking for the week. Freezer cook! Get yourself on a good fly lady schedule with basic household tasks. laundry is only an issue if you aren't always on top of it. Start a load every morning and every night. Put things away right after breakfast every morning. it's only a few minutes. your 2 year old can help you. Just hang in there! And remember, he is suffering too. So start your conversation with him with empathy and understanding, not "you aren't doing anything around here!" he is doing something, he's working long 12 hour shifts. So instead of making demands of him when he gets home, make them when he wakes up. I know you need a break after being alone for 12 hours, but this is motherhood: it has periods that is totally brutal. Just hang in there and remember this phase will be gone sooner than you know it, so cuddle those little ones, put on the TV and take a nap when you need too.

It actually is difficult for you to sympathize with your husband. He might have been working for 12 hours, but you've been working for over 2 years with very little breaks (since you are actually "on" at night, as well.)

I remember feeling very, very trapped ... like it would never get easier. When my husband did give me a break, I felt like he treated it like he was doing me a huge favor, rather than something I really deserved. That didn't make it any easier.

You do need to talk to your husband about this. He does need to pitch in. This is his family, too. But you need to talk to him sometime when you are both feeling fairly refreshed, and not when you are both exhausted. Do you have someone who could watch the kids for a couple of hours so the two of you can go out for coffee or something?

Little by little, my husband started to understand what it was like for me. I started working part-time, and he had to stay home with the kids during those 4 hours a week. When our youngest was 2 1/2, I went back to work full-time, and my husband had to take care of the kids for a couple of hours every evening. That was a real wake-up call for him.

What might really help is giving you a day off (even an afternoon off) once a month or once every 2 weeks. That would go a long ways towards helping you feel refreshed. It would also help him have a little better idea of what it's like to be a SAHM (a little idea, not a complete idea). But that really made a difference in his attitude towards me.

Yep being a full time mom is a 24/7 job for sure, especially when you decide to have your kids so close together (you basically are caring for two babies at once.) I had three kids in six years so I get it!
Of COURSE he should respect your feelings and what you do, but really, he's working 12 hour shifts? This isn't good for either of you. It's not balanced.
If the only way you have your "dream" of being a housewife is for your husband to work the hours of two adults then maybe this isn't working.
It's sad because from what you have described here your husband may not be interested in being a partner, working less and taking care of the kids/home more, so you can help with finances and get a little break from the home and children as well.
I mean my husband didn't really do much with our kids when they were little either, but at least he worked normal hours, and I got to take evening classes, go to the gym and see friends a few times a week while he stayed with the kids. If I didn't get those regular breaks I would have gone nuts, and probably would have been super depressed too.
I hope you can find something that works better going forward.

"Also he said that he was not made to take care of kids and house.. "

Hi A., your quote above prompts the following thought...then why does he have kids and a house? This chapter of motherhood is fleeting and I agree with the comments that things will settle down so my recommendation is to do your best, take it a little easier on yourself and ride the wave.

Now as far as your husband is concerned? on his next day off, leave him with HIS kids and list and go get a mani/pedi and lunch with a girlfriend. Forgive me if I'm using a tone with you because it's really directed at him. Chauvinist.

thoughts to you, S.

Two things to keep in mind: (1) you both need "break time" or "time for yourself" and (2) you both need to spend time with your children.

On the days when your husband is at work, your husband's boss gives him a break at some point. During those days, when is your break? You need to be your own "boss" and give yourself a break! Find a friend or a church group who can watch your children for an hour, or just make sure you remember to take a nap when your children are napping, things like that.

On the days when your husband is not at work (his days off), he should be spending a few hours alone with your children so that you can have some time to yourself. (It sounds like he focuses on "time for himself" in the mornings/evenings before and after his shifts. Do not get angry at him about that IF he is willing to give you time to yourself on his days off - that way, you are both getting "times for yourself" at some point during the week.)

step one get a schedule. step two make sure said schedule has NAP for MOMMY.
next you get done what you can. let the dishes slide till later, sweep vacuum and mop only if completely necessary. do one load of laundry daily, and waer your baby

Been there have the t-shirt. Its a hard balance when you are a sahm. You are on call 24/7. That won't change EVER!!

When I was a SAHM, I assigned my tasks for each day. For example, Monday was laundry day. I did the laundry. Which also meant the beds were changed. I had to wash the sheets. Nothing else. On Tuesday, I mopped the house. and so forth... It worked for me. My husband traveled all the time so I had 2 kids mostly on my own all the time. No family to help. Just me. It was hard and I was pooped. But I rested when they rested and my house was not spotless. I figured if my kiddos were happy, that is what mattered.

You need a schedule NOW. Make the schedule work for you and the kids. Don't worry about your husband. My husband came home once and the kids were fed and in bed. He got upset. I told him this was OUR schedule. He could fit into OUR schedule we were not going to fit into HIS schedule. He pushed back a couple of times and I pushed back harder. I explained that since this was MY job, I made the rules. If he didn't like them, HE could have this job. I told him I didn't go to his job and tell him what to do. So he wasn't going to come home and bark orders at me.

Ya'll are getting used to having two kiddos. That is a BIG adjustment. Since he is the one bringing in the money, I'm sure that stresses him out as well. Please cut the man some slack. BUT also plan a time where you will be gone for a few hours. He might not be "made" to take care of kids, but he did help MAKE those kids. So, he needs to saddle up.

Deep breath. Dust bunnies never killed anyone.

I only have one daughter (now 23!) who I took custody at ten days old and ultimately adopted. We didn't plan on this or have 40 weeks to gestate to plan and divide duties of a future child. Boom, we have a ten day old baby and nothing for her yet. I'm sure she was a lot of work but I certainly don't remember lack of sleep, middle of the night feedings and all of the other maintenance of a newborn. It passes and I actually miss the snuggle time. We really did get her on a great schedule and my life was much more flexible to get cleaning done and spend this time with my daughter.

I DO remember long shifts as an assistant manager in a restaurant, long hours at the veterinary clinic and now 16 hours a day selling medical supplies are not uncommon. I don't remember the sleepless nights as a mom and I know I pulled most of the weight with her. I was very fortunate to have that. I loved my time as room mom, team mom, softball games, spending time at the ice rink with her practice schedule, travel, library visits and spending the most hilarious times together. Eat and sleep when you can, your children must have down time..use it. This time will pass (if he helps out more or not) and will be just a memory.

Not sure you can change his mind-set, unfortunately. I'm sorry. I know how hard you "work". Maybe leave him alone with the kids for a few days and see how he does?

So he's gone probably 13 hours per day and is on his feet working. Dealing with employees, paperwork, orders, deliveries, angry customers, and more. And you want him to come home and help you afterwards?

Do you have to mow too? Take the trash to the curb? Do repairs on the gutters or roof or trim trees? Do you have to fix a leaky faucet? Do you really have to do all that?

I get it, really, I do. I stopped taking it all on years ago. I told my husband that he was responsible for all the outdoor stuff and the trash. I was done. He is now in charge of the kitchen too. Dishes mostly.

So if the trash sits in the house for days it's not my problem. If he doesn't mow the yard and it gets knee deep, not my job. If he doesn't do the dishes, oh well, he will gag and puke when he finally does get in there and do them.

BUT he's retired and has been for some time. He has all day to do these chores. When he worked I did more but he was always the one who took care of the mowing. When he retired he got more home things as his responsibility.

Can I suggest that you get a job? I know, that sounds counter supportive. But if you got out of the house during the day and the kids were out and with other kids you wouldn't be so overwhelmed. The house stays cleaner when you're not there. You'd have money to have someone come in and help clean. You'd have less to do and could actually just sit and spend time with your family instead of being so overwhelmed by all the work you have to do.