Question for SAHM or Working Moms with Sahds in the House

I'm probably gonna get slammed for this one.
But here goes. Parenting should be a partnership, men are just as qualified as women to get up at night and take care of the baby. If Mom has to get up for work she needs her sleep. If Mom can't get her sleep, she could lose her job. Then who is going to support the family?
About his cooking ability, he can learn to cook. Get him to take a class or learn form you.

I am a SAHM and my husband works FT. I did ALL the overnight feedings except on the weekends when my husband had off. If my hubby had no work the following day, he would get up with the baby at night. Luckily, my baby was sleeping through the night by 3 months old, so it didnt last long.

I want to put my two cents in here. Our rule in the house is I tend to do most of the night times wakes (I am the SAHP) but if I have just HAD IT and need a break my husband steps in even though he works. That means if for a few days in a row (this doesn't happen too often) but he will step in and take the wake ups until I can rejouvenate. because seriously being a 24/7 on call nurse/mom/dad is draining. Maybe talk about this as an option. It works well for us.

I did everything for my kids. There was taking turns now and then, but for the most part it was me. I never minded. I never argued about it.
With my second baby, I had to go in the hospital and stay and dad had no choice but to do things. It just happened out of necessity.
You are both home right now so I think you should talk about a game plan and hope that you can have a schedule.
It's not about who does what and when. It's not about who does more because there will always be one parent who does more.
Everyone needs a break, but you can't think in terms of who will get a break from the baby. You need to think in terms of how you will trade responsibilities.
Having a kid isn't easy, for sure.
Make sure you don't have another one right away.
:)
I know people that have been married longer than you have probably been alive.
They work things out. The husband does all the shopping, cooking, dishes, and the wife does all the laundry, pays the bills and takes the kids to the sports events.
It's not "I do this half the time and you do it the other half".
There are so many things to do in a day. There are creative ways to divvy them up.
You just need a game plan. And work at it.
If you are the one to get up in the night, then he should get up in the morning while you get ready for work. He may be a crappy cook, but he can have things defrosted or throw something in a crock pot while you're at work.
Frankly, if he's going to stay home all day with the kid, he should be helping out more at night. The one who goes to work needs their sleep in order to bring home the "bacon".
Regardless, you need to find a way to work this out, not just for the baby, but for the two of you so that there is a sense of order when one or BOTH of you go back to work.
Hang in there. It's tough juggling. I know that many will disagree with me, but I think the one that stays home should pick up the slack.
I have been a single mom for years and I've had to do it all by myself. I wouldn't have had a lot of patience for someone who got to stay at home and still expected me to do everything else.
One person can't do it all. Well.....they can. But if they have to, what's the point of having another person?
I think you can work this out. It will take compromise. For sure.
I work at a hospital and many women I work with are the "breadwinners" for their families. That includes doctors.
Their families work because they have found a routine that works.
You can find one too.

Best wishes.

The biggest red flag I noticed in our post is that you will take care of the baby in the morning and prepare everything for the day. WHY???? He will be home, that will be his job. It sounds like you have enabled him to be this way. No wonder he doesn't want to do anything.

Be firm. Tell him things will change when you return to work and that this will become a partnership, but HE will do most of the work with the baby, b/c that will BE his job - just like a SAHM does. Yes, he will need a break when you get home - I totally get that. But nighttime feedings should be his or at least shared.

Ask him when you'll get a "break." Your baby is not a job that he can punch a clock to and just be done with when you come home. You are right, this set-up is pretty unreasonable. There's a lot more trading off that should occur. As to who does which chores, to me, that's a personal issue that should play off of both of your personal strengths and weaknesses.

Would he still have the same expectations if the roles were reversed and you were home with the baby all day?

My sister was the sole provider. She had the baby from the time she came home from work til she went to bed and then the dad did the night feedings.
It was very difficult for them, but he was the sahd and that was the deal. She needed the sleep for the long work day ahead.

cooking ? he did the cooking, but loved it and enjoyed it. it was like a break from the baby.

I've been a SAHM since my oldest was born. When he was a baby, I would always get up with him. I didn't mind because I could nap/rest during the day when he was napping. Once babies #2 and #3 came along, my husband had to help at night. I, too, had to be on my game during the day and was just as busy as he was. Yes, you should alternate! One thing I do love is when he gets home he will take the three boys downstairs or outside to play so I can have a few minutes to myself. I really look forward to that little break!

When I'm the at home parent I do all the nighttime care, and 90% of everything else involved in being a parent/homemaker during the day. When my husband was home, he did nighttime duty during the week and I did it on the weekend, and we split household chores about 50/50. I definitely took on more child and house related tasks in the morning and evening when I was working than he does when he is working. But for us, it was more a matter of habit, as I had been home for 5 years before we switched roles, and that switch only lasted 7 months for various reasons. Really, in my mind, if you are going to be a stay at home parent, you are taking on MOST of the childcare and housework (indoor type, my husband takes care of all outdoor maintanance and car related upkeep, he also pays bills and takes care of all phone calls or paperwork that come up in life!). It isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with the kids, he just isn't as comfortable doing "small kid" stuff like playing playdough or singing nursery rhymes, and because my kids are with me all day, they automatically default to me when asking questions or needing help even when he is here. You each need to do all you can to keep the other parent from burning out - this will be the biggest test of your relationship, making you true partners in life, and learning to put the other person first!

I stay home and my husband works outside of the home. I have always been the one "in charge" of all things baby/kid related. Really, your boyfriend should be doing all of the midnight stuff if he is the one who stays home (when you go back to work). If baby is used to you always getting up with her, when you do go back and BF has to help out, baby may not be too receptive to that. The only time my husband gets up during the night to help with the kids is if we have a puker. We tag team at that point...I deal with the sick kid and he cleans up the mess.

K.,

If your child's father is NOT working, he needs to step up to the plate or go to work so you can stay home. (So he's a bad cook, he read a cook book).

We all need a break from time to time, however folks with a little one in the house and do not have hired help, do not get the luxury of taking a break at will. You have to take a break when the baby is down.....forget about the "perfect" home and meals. Rest, take care of the children, the work in the house will still be there. (I don't mean let your home go or that having a nice meal)...I mean determine what the priorities will be.

Blessings.

I have been a SAHM and worked a couple days a week and I always did all the nighttime parenting even when I had to work the next day. I breastfed when my kids were very little so my husband couldn't help anyway. They are done BFing, but I still get up. We are not equal in who takes care of the kids or the house. I do most of it and I do resent the lack of help occasionally. My husband does help some. But I think expecting the full time parent who needs to be alert for the job that pays the bills to handle night wakings all week long is ridiculous. He can either nap or zone out during the day. He's lucky you are willing to get up on weekends which is more than I got. Your suggestion makes a lot more sense.

Well, when I was on maternity leave and my husband was working, I would do all of the middle of the night feedings/diaper changes, however, I was so exhausted that I had him do the middle of the night feedings one weekend night either Friday or Saturday night. My husband did not work Saturday or Sunday. However, I was fortunate enough that when I did go back to work when my kids were 3.5 months old, they were sleeping through the night. But there were times that they would for whatever reason wake up during the night after they were already sleeping through the night, I would expect my husband to get up with me. Even if he had nothing to do, he needed to be there for moral support. Because its very hard to get up in the middle of the night and be expected to go to work and be functional.

My husband and I worked alternate shifts so that one of us could be home with our baby at all times. We were both home at night but I would go to work at 5am and he would go to work around the time that I got off at 1 pm. We would take turns getting up with our baby at night. In fact he was the one who got up with her the most. He loved the bonding bonding that they had so it made it so he wanted to get up with her more. I really appreciated him and we understood what the other one was going through more when we worked together. Good luck on whatever the two of you decide to do.

If you can get fired then he should do middle of the night feedings and such. My ex was a Marine and could not get fired so I wanted him to help overnight on days that he didn't have 5am PT (physical training) but he had a real lax job in a warehouse where he could disappear upstairs and sleep for 2 hours and no one would care. I do think you should take over when you get home from work... plus it'll be bonding time with your lil guy. Why is he so against doing overnight stuff? I mean you have to be awake at this job and he does as well... I would sleep when she (my daughter) slept. On weekends my ex would get up overnight.. When he was on paternity leave he decided to just do nothing but sleep in so I pushed him out of the bed at 2am when baby girl was crying and said oops, I meant your turn lmao... it was funny, he just looked at me like what the heck and made the bottle while I changed her diaper.

It only makes sense that the one who doesnt have to go to an outside job in the morning is the one that does the middle of the night stuff. That's the way it's supposed to work. If you were both working outside of the home, sharing would be appropriate. Since he's opted to be the sahd, he needs to realize it's a 24 hr position.

Both my husband and I get up (I'm a SAHM). He gets the baby from her crib and brings her into our room. I make a bottle. He changes her diaper. Then he goes back to sleep and I feed her till she goes back to sleep. We used to take turns getting up when she got up multiple times a night but now she only wants her mama.

My husband and I are in the same position, I work full time during the day and he stays home with the kiddos. Our general schedule is that he manages the kids in the morning while I get ready for work and then I take them as soon as I get home from work. I handle evening and bedtimes, and finally end my “workday” when the kids are in bed. During the night, if anybody needs anything, he takes all issues after our bedtime so that I can get a full night’s rest for the workday. When our babies were really little, we would split up the nighttime effort – I would get up for any needs before 2 am and he would get up for any needs after 2 am (mostly because it was easier for me late at night then early morning). That system worked really, really well.

A huge part of this kind of setup is making sure everyone feels supported and that they have a little time off each day. I have a profoundly cooperative husband who works very hard to share the load and even we run into issues, it isn’t easy.

One thing that really helped us was to agree to, essentially, a work schedule for our home – work being shifts with the kids. He starts work first thing in the morning and gets off work when I get home. He starts work again when we go to bed (but he gets to sleep most of the shift :). Talking about it like a job can really help take the emotion out of it. His work with the kids is longer than mine of course, but it is more flexible because he can nap when possible, and has freedom of movement during the day.

Hope this helps. It is hard to get into a schedule, but really courtesy is the main issue. Think of the other person’s needs as much as your own and recognize that both jobs – staying home and going to work – are equally difficult in different ways. Once you both can agree to that mindset, setting limits and talking about needs can get a lot easier!!

Good luck. We have been doing this for over 5 years now and, although we still run into issues every once in awhile, as long as we are focused on making sure the other person knows that they are supported and are flexible to step in if needed, it is a great way to raise our kids!

Take care!

I believe it should be a team effort. I don't think you should have to do all of the over night feedings when you are working outside the home. Once you get home from work that is different because he will need a break from being with the baby all day. My husband is a stay at home dad and the days I worked he took all of the night shifts, and on my days off I took the night shifts so he could get some rest.

Yeah, he's trying to get off super easy. In my experience, and from everything I've EVER heard, it's the stay-at-home-parent who gets up at night. NOT the parent who has to get up and go to work in the morning. Moms regularly spend all day with the baby AND get up all night too. The father's sacred work schedule can never be messed with. The stay-at-home parent also handles the lion's share of the housework. If you're cooking, the least he can do is clean. Good grief. So don't let him take too many liberties. You can't do it all. If you try, you will end up seriously burned out and ANGRY.

K.,

If your child's father is NOT working, he needs to step up to the plate or go to work so you can stay home. (So he's a bad cook, he read a cook book).

We all need a break from time to time, however folks with a little one in the house and do not have hired help, do not get the luxury of taking a break at will. You have to take a break when the baby is down.....forget about the "perfect" home and meals. Rest, take care of the children, the work in the house will still be there. (I don't mean let your home go or that having a nice meal)...I mean determine what the priorities will be.

Blessings.

We alternated on the nighttime feedings (I did all of them for the first 6 months). If I did Monday, he did Tuesday and so on and so forth. Sleep is important for everyone. Not just dad or mom. As a SAHP I do appreciate having a break once my husband gets home from work...it allows me to get some things done and allows him to spend quality time with the girls. Good luck.