How Do I Push Without Hurting?

Just sit and talk with him. He should know that you are going to be laid off and that it is time for him to step up to the plate. It doesn't have to be a serious conversation, just while you are both in the kitchen making dinner or something. Mention that you are getting laid off at the end of the month and he really needs to step up the job front.

Good luck!

Be straight forward. Maybe at dinner or when you are alone on a good day throw some options out or get HIM to give suggestions on what to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 yrs now and we find it if we beat around the bush or dont say what is completely on our minds one assumes what the other is thinking and causes more confusion down the line. Tell him how you feel about staying at home temp and have a back up plan if the conversation doesnt go the direction you want it to go. Good luck!!!

I don't know what your communication is like with your guy, but if he knows that you'll soon be laid off, then he should also be wondering about the future of your finances. Since you encouraged him to take some time at home, he's probably gotten used to taking a break, and it's hard to re-motivate after that. Last year when my husband lost his job, I told him to take his time finding something that would be a good fit for him. I didn't tell him to spend the time working around the house. Notice the difference? Since he lives there, it's a given that he'll do that while he's there. There was an expectation for him to be actively looking, that that would become his new job.

I like the idea of sitting with him to discuss your current and future finances--including financial needs and desires--and plan how you both will contribute to your security. Maybe he's got something in mind that he just hasn't shared. Maybe he needs a little prodding. Ask him what his plan is. Ask him what he thinks about how you should go about getting what you want and need. This will get him actively involved, instead of your taking the reins and letting him off the hook.

My husband did get that "dream job", by the way, within a couple of months of beginning his search. He had the time and peace of mind to weigh his options.

Oh my gosh-don't we as women worry too much about hurting our men! I could get very Dr. Philish about a man that has put little effort into supporting his family or taking responsibility for his own survival but I do not know enough about your circumstances.

If you want to start out with the softer approach, set up a time for a family meeting or couple meeting telling him you want to talk about YOUR employment situation and develop a plan TOGETHER for the future or for the next 6 months if you prefer.

If you can afford it, I would start out by discussing that you will be unemployed as of May 31st and you yourself would like to take _________ off (be specific on your time line) then your detailed plan for obtaining a job after that. Perhaps you can say we can both buckle down and both start realy digging in and looking for jobs together. All depends on what you think would work best to motivate him. I would include in my time off the fact that this is a good opportunity fo the two of you to spend some time together and get away for a week or two.

I would come to the table with a spreadsheet of all household expenses. After discussing your plan with time off, then I would tell him you would like to set up a plan TOGETHER for getting back on track with covering your expenses.

Where would you like for us to be in 6 months? What are your thought or plans for retirement and how we will support ourselves so that we can enjoy that time?

I guess the bottom line is that a lot of men revert back to earlier years and want to be consoled by their Mother when confronted with problems or hardships. Be very careful though and so not buy into this. Overall, men generaly do not respond well to finger pointing, want to be an intricate part of the household plan and made to feel they count and are the head of the household whether this be a joint union or not. Sometimes we just have to learn how they operate without compromising our own desires and goals.

Sorry for all the rambling-this is a complicated matter. I hope this helps in some way.

E. W.

Maybe you could ask about what his dreams are. Sometimes helping men see that you support them by encouraging their dreams gives them the boost of confidence they need to go for it. If you have a dream for using your degree that works with what he desires to do maybe you can work together towards a goal.

When my husband wanted to start his own business he really needed to know that I wasn't afraid of him taking the risk. He's been successful (and worked hard without any nagging from me) ever since.

Hi, In my estimation men are simple creatures. They need direct clear communication, that's why they often complain that they don't understand us as we tend to communicate more subtly.

Unless you are prepared to financially support him I think you're going to have to tell him 'get a job, I'm happy to be emotionally supportive but I do not want to financially support you.' Say it clearly. Don't talk around the issue. I don't think there's anything all wrong with that. If he argues with it, he's unreasonable. You are well within your rights to choose to not support him.

Good luck!

I just have to tell you that I am so proud of you for your foresight and ability to prepare for what's to come financially. If you guys don't already have a vegetable garden going, now is the time to really get things started. It's never too late to stock up on non-hybridized seed and get to planting. You'll never have to purchase seeds again and it's one step closer to providing for your own family. If he's not looking for work actively, make sure he is ensuring your family survival/prosperity by taking actions to prepare and store food. A garden is a great thing, and it will help him reconnect with the planet and really remember our roots. It's amazingly uplifting for the soul. And it's incredibly hard work. If you are financially able, begin to purchase a little more of your favorite foods to store, that way if you find yourself short on cash and really strapped you have less to worry about.

The one thing I would tell him is that if he CAN get a job right now - HE SHOULD. It's highly likely that things will only be getting more and more difficult. More and more people will be out of work and, i don't know about you guys, but although the value of our house went down - our taxes to be paid WENT UP!

There is still time to make decisions that will really help you and yours in the future, but I would really encourage you to sit down with him and discuss what's to come. If he reads the paper at all, looks around, whatever then he will understand to urgency of planning out your prosperity as a family.

Hi D., Sorry for your situation but Here goes some tough love. My experience is that too many men out there are looking for a new mommy. I found myself in your situation and had to learn the hard way that If a man does not get right back out there to work a job (any job) he is taking advantage of you. If he truely cared for you he would have married you while he was successful. Sadly as women we find it so easy to be nurturing to the tenth power. It's funny that men can't seem to find a job while myself and all of my female friends who lost their jobs hit the pavement and had a new job the same day. There is no excuse to sit around letting a woman with children pay their way. He doesn't need another chance, He has already proved that he does not care for you or your family. Careful, you are inadvertently teaching your children that a man who didn't think enough of you to marry or keep a job is more important than your own children or yourself. I scrubbed toilets, worked around roaches, dealt with sexual harrassment,all while fighting bone disease to support someone elses kids. There are more jobs in our area than there are people to work. People are getting paid to go to school. Please dump this looser before you loose everything. Change the locks and do not give him access to a key. He can get a bed at the salvation army while he "finds himself" If you have him on any credit cards or accounts, get his name off before he ties you down in debt. I know it sounds harsh but he is and has been playing you. You deserve better and you can't move on until you get him out of your life. Once he has put you in the position of having to tell him to get a job, it's already done. Areal man would not do that to you. My experience was also that when I had to go on disability for my bones, he quit his job and when the money ran out....he told me to get a job. Good luck, I am there for you. be tough and stay strong. You don't need him and if you should meet a real man, you will have to explain why this looser is still in your house.

I might start the conversation (over dinner or some other relaxing time) by asking "Have you heard of any opportunities from Sam (or whatever his old business contact's name is)?". If he says no, then say something like "maybe we could work on your resume together and post it on careerbuilder.com (or some other job site). Or suggest other places he could look or ways he could find a job (I've been out of the workforce for several years now and I honestly don't know how I would start to find a job right now, but you must have some ideas). Just be very unassuming about the whole thing and explain that you are willing to help him out. You could say "I'm in the same boat now, so maybe we could look together for ways to get us employed!". I think since you will be facing it as well, it may give you a chance to approach it without sounding like you're dictating what he should do. You could do your job searches together as a couple and it will seem less harrassing to him.

Hopefully this works out for you. I do, indeed, understand your comment about being supportive without supporting. Best of luck with your own job search as well.

I have a suggestion, but may I say one thing first. I sincerely believe that it is not your best interest to live with someone that you not married to. I don't know your situation, but I see other women who want to get married, but the guy does not, so they concede to living together. My observation is that it tends to be a great deal for the guy (no commitment, no responsibility) and a bad deal for the girl. Now I may be way off base, this may not be your situation, this was just on my heart and I wanted to share it. But, with that said, here is my suggestion.

Since you are not married, I'm thinking that your approach would be more like a room-mate situation. He should be sharing in the rent and other expenses. If you don't have one already, I would suggest creating a written agreement to quantify each person's financial responsibility. One thing that is true about men is that they work best under pressure and they will gladly give up a responsibility if someone will do it for them. It's important for him to know that he is responsible for supporting himself. If he was living alone, and not working (& not paying rent), he would eventually be evicted. That's just my 2 cents and food for thought. My heart does go out to you as a single mom, that's a huge task!! God bless you!!!

First you both need to sit down and take a look together where you are financially and what you will need to survive. Then see what you would need to be comfortable and then what would you need to make to also be able to save money.

Then ask him what his suggestions are for jobs you both should be looking for, since 2 pairs of eyes and brains are better than one.

Maybe you can ask him to help you with your new resume and ask him if can use his as an example...

Also, tell him you are going to send out an email to all of your contacts letting people know you are looking for a job, listing some of your qualifications and so you thought you would also add his name and his top 5 qualifications. What would he like those to be?

Maybe you 2 could start a blog for people just like you two who have great work experience and are ready to try something new. Then let others know it is available and it can start a site for employers to also posts jobs?

Craigslist in Austin is where most people go to look for jobs,. Remember not to send money to companies that say for a price they will look for a job for you....

You can both look at as an adventure. You are in this together and really do not have young children to be responsible for any longer, so go for it. Look outside the box.. I am sending you both good thoughts and fearlessness. I am excited for the both of you.

First f all don't worry about finding a job. U have the experience so it will come. Secondly, u really should'nt have to say anything to him. Being the man of the house, it should be a given that he needs to get a job to support his family. Good luck to u.