How Do You Make My Kid/your Kid/our Kid Transition Smoothly?

Ok, the tattling thing is pretty common. My two girls are almost the same ages and it's none stop. "Do you think it was an accident or an on purpose?" "Well, say your sorry for "X". And "Is she doing anything will hurt herself or anyone else, making a mess, or I've expressly forbidden?" "If you're unsure come ask?" This is just what rolls off the tongue.

What has helped my two girls bond is the "team" idea. Especially cause you're blending families, they may visit with the other family. I run into this with grandparents rules being different then mine. But when they are at your house and you're feeding them they are on your team and teams work together. Everybody has a place and spot on the team that is special for them only. Make them work as a team in chores, especially at their ages and boys, it would really bond them. Have them compete to see who can clear the glass the quickest. You spray...on your mark set go. I have three types of vacuumes...mine, and over size hokey and a battery powered hokey. We all three team up on the upstairs and downstairs...and act like we're driving cars. They run around getting it some what and I chase them getting the work done. The youngest girl will rise to the challanage and be a strong girl. My two year old is a very strong soul and picks it up quick.

Team them up on board games in pairs. Make the older ones the assist coaches when you want them to be the example or lead a little....because they know more. Even shopping can be a game. Make it a secret agaent mission, team them into pairs and send them looking....not to far out of sight of course. Or ones the polit that pushs the cart while the other goes searching for the items needed.

It's hard and my two wear me out. Being a mother is both mental and physical. Keeping your cool and being creative in educating them...wow, four...that's why I'm done at two. Good luck, hope these ideas give you a seed to knowledge you can work with in your own way. Peace

Deb Baker

First I would put all the kids in one room for a conferance and tell them if they have a problem with the other child they need to work it out together and you will not be listening to any whining or tattleing on each other unless one of them is in danger of being hurt.They are all competeing to be the favorite so to speak. So when they whine or tattle maybe time outs will help.They have o learn to get along with each other. They are so close in age that it will be a hard road to follow. You will never get "ALL THE KINK'S WORKED OUT " but you should at least be able to get some Quiet time playing nice together.

I can tell you by experience that you will never get all the "kinks" out. This kind of stuff just comes along with a blended family. when my husband and I met, he had custody of his daughter and I had custody of my 2 daughters and 1 son. His daughter and my youngest daughter were the same age. The only suggestion I can give you is to tell all the kids, his and yours, to worry about themselves and unless someone is hurt or being mean then you don't want to hear it. If you continue to play his kids vs. my kids you will be in for a very very long ride!! The kids will be in a power struggle if you don't get a handle on it now.

GOOD LUCK!!

First of all one should work with the boys and let them know what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior.
When they tattle - get down to their level, thank them for "letting you know" and then ask if they want to read a book or play in another area alone for some quiet time. It does work. Don't be surprised if "dad" sticks up for his boys! Good luck.

Do not ever make it My kids vs YOUR kids. I have a stepbrother that's the exact same age as I am. When my dad and his mom got married and then had kids of their own, I was always the outsider because I wasn't HER kid. It got so bad that I had to move out of my home and away from my father at the age of 6. The situation had become abusive. I'm not saying that this will happen in your family, it's more of a worst case scenario. You and your boyfriend need to lay our clear rules for the kids. The rules need to come from BOTH of you, not just one. If he's letting his children do things that you don't approve of, then you need to get on the same page. And if there is a division of rank, so to speak, the kids will pick up on it. Make a House Rules list and then a Consequences list. And then stick to it! You will also have to relinquish some of your "power." If he's going to be a part of your children's lives, then he will have to be responsible for raising them too. That includes discipline and rewards. You don't want his kids to think that you love them less because they aren't yours and vice versa. Kids pick up on stuff like that. If "you're babies come first" you're not ready to live together. I can understand that mentality, I'm a mother myself, but as a child in that situation, it's not good. It breeds contempt.

First you've got to not make this his kids, my kids. It doesn't matter if you're a blended family or if they were all of yours together, the parents have got to be on the same page and not undermine each other. That is a big problem with alot of families. The parents don't communicate and kids will feed off of that. The tattling is normal. Be it from his kids or other kids once they're in school they're going to pick things up you don't like and don't allow, you deal with it. If you two will ever make it, you've got to become more of one instead of two. Goodluck

y have you and he talked abt this?get together with the kids and your other and tell them honestly how you feel.and show a united front.togetherness always help if not get counciling for the kids

Hi L.,
Been there done that. But it wasn't with a boyfriends kids. My sisters! We lived with each other off and on...due to her needing someone to help her out, cuz her lazy husband wouldn't. And vice versa, but I was single. I have (at the time) 2girls and she had 2 girls and a boy. All the same age group. They fought and fought. Well, I'd listen to the complaints and the "Wasn't me!" So I'd sit them all down and ask...now, what is it that we can do to make things better?! Everyone knows you have to share. Accidents Happen..and maybe try to avoid the other person. Or play nice. Than we'd all do group things...and you know, there was less taddling and fighting. Now, our kids are older and I have another girl and she had another boy..they're all so close and like best friends, couldn't even ever tell there was any jealousy or negative between any of them..well other than the 4 older ones...(all girls)...but sisters against sisters...lol. Good Luck.

In my opinion, moving in together is not a good role model for any of the kids and is likely to be less conducive to developing a real family, where all the kids are "our" kids. Get married if you really want to share your life with this man, make a permanent commitment, and be ready to be a mom to all of the kids. Any time kids are together, you have to deal with the potential of bad behaviors rubbing off. So set ground rules, and make sure you and your man are consistent in enforcing the behaviors you want the kids to exhibit. Good luck!

The first thing you and he need to do is sit down together and discuss the situation. You both have to come up with a solution and "punishment" "reward" system together and then stick to it and support the other parent totally. The children need to understand it is not going to be "your child/my child" and that the two of you will equally reprimand and praise the children and support them. The two of you have to come to an understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and agree on what those are.
"No whining" should be allowed. Frankly whining as always set my teeth on edge! If you whine you go to time out for 5 minutes. You whine again you go into a different room for 5 minutes. You whine again and lose your television/movie time for the rest of the evening or day.
Tattling is a give and take problem. Tattling over something unimportant like, "He took my crayon" is nonsense. Tattling because of a dangerous activity like "He kicked Johnny in the head" is another situation all together. The ages make it difficult to explain the differences but you have to try to explain it to them.
If it is "Johnny took my toy" the problem is easily settled by removing the toy for the rest of the day from everyone. If it is "Johnny looked at me, touched me, is breathing my air" then Johnny and Sam need to be separated and not allowed to play together for the next 5/10 minutes and both must sit in a time out chair. They will get the message fairly soon and stop.
It sounds like it is more a way to get attention from the adults than it is a real problem.
If you are strongly with the "my babies come first" and are not willing to give equal attention and support to "his children" then you are not ready to make a commitment to move in together.

Before you go that far, the two of you need to sit down and talk about these situations and behaviors. You need to talk about what you feel is appropriate and inappropriate AND how to handle them. IF YOU ARE ON THE SAME PAGE AND CONSISTENT in your dealings with the situation, you will not HAVE any his kid/my kid issues. CONSISTENCY HAS TO BE THERE.

Once you've talked about it, talk about it to the kids. Tell them what kinds of behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable. In addition, give them ALTERNATIVES to the whining and/or bad behavior. Sometimes, that's all they need. Doesn't hurt to give them a dose of their own medicine sometimes. I've only done it a couple of times, but if Abbie is whining about something ....and she DOES NOT do that very often at all, I may start to whine about something...."I don't want to get your kiwi"...."I don't want to......" etc. She gets the message pretty quickly and we talk about how she likes the sound of the whining and responding to it. Those episodes are FEW and far between but sometimes they need a reminder. SET GUIDELINES AND ALTERNATIVES (POSITIVE BEHAVIORS AND RESPONSES) and stick to them. DO NOT respond to the whining. When they whine, tell them you'll address the situation when they ask appropriately. STICK TO IT!! They have to know you mean what you say.