How Do You Make Time 4 Conversations and Grow as Individuals and as a Couple?

The 18 year comment would make me wonder. And that is a hurtful comment.

But, I do agree that some people bring our the best in us more than others. My argument to that would be, does he think the two of you ever brought out the best in each other? Kids and a long-term marriage can alter the best of relationships.

Anyway, it sounds like he's trying to tell you something in a roundabout way. It might be time for counseling.

If my husband of 10 years told me that it was an old girlfriend, not me and our present life that brought out the best in him, I think I would be looking for a marriage counselor!
He's using his work "rut" as a way of telling you he's just not happy.
I mean, really, who pines away for the type of relationship they had 18 years ago? I find that really, REALLY odd. And intentionally hurtful. I'm sorry.

couple things jumped out at me:

between employment & housing issues, you have your hands full.
& as I went back thru your previous questions, you are also dealing with stepfamily issues to boot.

any one of these issues will create dissension & disconnect within in a marriage.

I also noticed your phrasing on the motorcycle issue. Is this typical for your relationship? Do you always feel like you're "allowing" him to do things which interest him? That's not healthy & needs to be changed! Equal rights & choices, not you "being Mom/allowing him"!

& honestly, why did you mention the age difference? Between that & your listing him as a Canadian/American....speaks strongly of your labeling him as "different". Why do you think you need to label him? Why isn't he just your husband....or your beloved? Time to be thinking on the dynamics within your relationship & perhaps that might help you find a better way to move forward as a joined couple.

I applaud him for mentioning what he liked about that other woman. The very fact that he shared with you....means a lot. He's reaching for a better world, & by bringing all of this to your attention.....means he wants to share that world with you. Please find a way to be open to his needs!

& I want to be very clear....addressing his needs does not mean dumping yours! Work together to find these answers. Dump the kids with somebody for the night & have an all-nighter....discussing a new direction for your lives. :)

Do you find time to have fun together? It sounds like you've lost touch with each other a bit. It's time to start scheduling some couple time. If you can afford a sitter, then ask her to put you on her schedule the first Monday of every month. If you can't afford a sitter, find another mom to trade night with - once a month you watch her kids, and once a month she watches yours.

I find that when my husband and I make the time to be together and do fun things as a couple, it makes it easier to get through hard conversations, like dissatisfaction with jobs, finance issues, etc.

A great resource for relationships are Gay and Kathleen Hendricks. You can find them at www.hendricks.com They have written some great books, including "Conscious Loving," and they have some great videos and workshops.

Sue:

Ouch. Your husband was honest with you with his feelings. it's not about being "PC" but he could have said it better! Tell him that while you appreciate his honesty - he could have said it better. Marriage is a TWO WAY STREET - does HE do anything to bring out the best in you? If not - he's failing too.

Do you work the finances together? balance the checkbook together each month? If not? Start doing it together. Baby steps - planning BOTH your future one step at a time.

Find out if he qualifies for a grant for education and go back to school to get a certificate or degree that will make him more marketable and put him where he WANTS to be in his career.

I'm sorry - you "let" him by a motorcycle??? You are NOT his mother. You are his WIFE and partner.

How do WE do it? We balance the checkbook together each month. Since I work from home - I do it when the statement comes in - then we go over it together in the evening. We talk about projects we want to do around the house...how much they will cost, etc. then we talk about how we will save to pay for it (we are a cash only family).

Your husband needs to contribute to the marriage as well. It's NOT just about HIM and what HE NEEDS.

Ask him WHY he broke up with this W.. Ask him WHY he started dating you...ask him WHY he married you...ask him what HE does for YOU. Ask him how HE is bringing the best out in you...push back...it's NOT all about him. He is NOT the only one in this marriage.

keep the lines of communication OPEN. Do NOT throw past "bad deeds" or hit below the belt. Ask questions - like I said above - find out what HE wants from the future and how that compares to what YOU want for the future....

You need to find out what you can do about your job as well. Look around and find out what's out there.

DO NOT allow your husband to make your marriage about ONLY HIM. He needs to add to it as well.

Good luck!

Your husband is wanting more "me and you" time it sounds like. He wants to feel important and special again. It is hard when life stresses get in the way, and you feel like you are giving all you can, but they want more. This may sound cliche' but following something like the Fireproof Journal without your husband knowing may change your marriage completely for the better.

18 yrs ago, he WAS a different person. There was more potential to bring out, there were less crippling circumstances and obligations. To compare the two is very immature.
It's not your job to bring out the best in him. Nor he for you. It's complimenting and compromising that marriage partners do for one another.
Mamas bring out the best in their children, IMHO. It's their job to know their child's best features and talents and help them find a way to harness them.

If I were reading what he said as a mom posting on here, I would say they were interested in another person. Not yet an affair, but a serious flirtation.
You need marriage counseling. Find a large church with a free counselor.

Sometimes people do bring out the better in people, others drag them down, still others make them complacent.

Three years? Three years you have been trying to accomplish something that sounds like it isn't going to happen? Sorry I get we have the government of false hopes but damn, one of you needs to address that elephant in the room, time to move on.

Not sure if it is the same issues but I played with B of A for three months before kicking into plan B.

Part of being a supportive spouse is knowing when it is time to point to the horse and said it is dead, stop kicking it. Part of it is saying when something isn't working before it is crisis. Knowing that your spouse will do this pushes them to do more, be a better person.

I don't know, I feel like I am rambling but being compliant is not being supportive. It is putting everything on the decision maker, puts all the pressure on them, and over times makes them rather put things off rather than make a wrong decision.

Step up, get involved.
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I also want to add don't dwell on how he communicated his feelings, old girlfriend, pay attention to the message. Well unless you just want to be the victim because it does make the perfect excuse to be one.