How Have You Dealt with Being Hurt by Your Mom?

My 6-year old daughter has a very different personality than I have. And, by the same token, I have a very different personality than my mother has. When I was younger, my mom would say and do things that I didn't understand and I would take it very personally and get all huffy and puffy about it or wallow away in my hurt feelings, not understanding why she just wasn't getting it. Now that I am older, I understand that my mom just had a very different perspective than I did. Her upbringing was not the same as mine and her personality was not the same either, therefore, she had a very different filter than I did as well.

I hate to say it but, I suspect that because my own daughter has a different personality than I do and the way I am raising her is different than how I was raised, one day she will not see things from my perspective either and may take things more personally than intended also. I'm trying to raise her to realize that it is better to observe without judgment first before forming snap opinions and that there are many different perspectives and truths out there, so hopefully she will give me more of a break than I gave my mom.

Anyway, I think it is good that you have figured out that your mom is introverted and you are not. I think that she is probably more introverted and reclusive than you may realize. She probably didn't call to let you know that she wasn't going to attend your daughter's event because she didn't feel comfortable letting you down like that. Sometimes people have a really hard time being truthful about voicing their wants and needs like that and what happens is that they end up hurting the people they love more than if they had just made the call and just said they couldn't make it in the first place.

Believe me when I say that they way your mother is acting is all about her and not about you at all. She's either extremely introverted or maybe she's suffering from depression (something you may want to think about also). I think that the only way that you can find healing with this is to realize that your mom just ticks differently than you do. But, I have to tell you, if I were a betting girl, I'd lay odds on the fact that you are a more attached, more involved mom because of your mother's influence. Sometimes the lessons that we learn from the things that we see that we do not like are a blessing in disguise.

Hope this helps and that you feel better soon.

My path to forgiving my mom the harsh and anxiety-producing childhood she put me and my sisters through is really all about growing up. I have more than a hole my mom would never fill with simple, accepting love – I actually was severely diminished by my mother, from infancy, in many ways.

I did not expect to ever have a child, recognizing early that I didn't really have a single idea about what good parenting might look like. But five years into my first marriage, my daughter began "urging me to bring her into the world" – I don't know how else to describe it. So I started learning about good parenting through books, and through watching examples of good parenting around me. I realized, too, that raising my own child well would help me heal. And a year later, that's what happened – I started my long journey toward healing, and my baby daughter helped free me from the weight of my own anger and disappointment.

I also gradually realized that forgiving my mother wasn't so much about making her feel good, it was about freeing myself from the weight of a terrible anger. Now, this has been an ongoing process for me; I still feel disgust toward her opinionated, critical, pseudo-religious idiocy at times. I used to get asthma and have to leave, but these days I can take a deep breath and go on talking to her. Which is a good thing, because she's getting old, she lives next door to me, and frequently needs my help. In our relationship, I'm the one who is introverted, and I see her far more often than I have the desire for, but that's life.

And I've come to see that she probably did the best she was able, considering the life she lived. She had 4 "accidental" daughters because reliable birth control wasn't available when she married. Biology changed her plans and largely ran her life. But she put a great deal of work into being the only parent she knew how to be.

Finally, there's a great healing process I've learned to use. Called The Work, it has some pretty simple, helpful, and freeing techniques that can actually be fun, or at least funny, and a little humor helps, too. If you want to check this out, visit www.theWork.org, watch a few videos if you have time, and print the free materials: a Judge Your Neighbor (Mother) Worksheet, and the Four Questions and the turnaround. Then get to work setting yourself free. I wish you the best.

well I had some serious issues with my mother but it took growing up and being an adult to realize that I can't hate her, resent her or hold grudges. The things she hurt me with were not intentional so I had to forgive her. It's just how SHE was raised and she didn't know better.

She was raised in a very strict religious household, and everything is about tradition and appearances. She never really put effort into matters of the heart so we all had empty souls in that regard. As long as we were cross necklaces, went to youth group, used manners and behaved in church... she didn't care much about anything else. (grades, messy rooms, bad habits etc). If things fell apart, she'd use guilt to shame us.

That rang true when I was raped early in high school. I finally had the nerve to tell her and instead of her holding my hand through it, she was angry. HOW did I let that happen, I shouldn't have taken a ride with him anyway, what was I doing over there in the first place, what will people think, etc etc. She was terrified of how this could/would come back on the family as he was a student at my school and a lot of students there went to our church. It was inevitable it'd reach the congregation. So she refused to press charges or go further. I went into depression bc he harrassed me at school. I begged my mother and father to let me call the police or get a restraining order so they put in a psychiatric hospital for a month to 'fix' my post traumatic stress. (while there, the doctors felt I didnt need anything but to be away from home and encouraged my parents to send me on a foriegn exchange program since I was fluent in another language but they refused that too).

Long story short, I barely made it out of high school. I ran to college as fast as I could. She didn't even want me to GO to college!!

I tried to bring her into therapy with me but a few therapists have told me she is not ready to accept my role in the world, or my character. (lol, if this tells you anything... I went from a Republican to a Democrat while working in DC and that even further split us apart).

When I was diagnosed with a disease many years ago I think she buckled up for a scary ride and did a lot of thinking and soul searching. I get the feeling she regrets a lot of things but she'll never admit it. She just shows it by her actions.

I've just realized that (like you said) I can't change her. I can only change how I react, how I feel, how I choose to dwell or recall things.

I have learned that she was just raised this way and never had intentional, deliberate feelings to hurt me. She truly felt these ways. These were her convictions, fears, values etc. She knew no better.

I can only hope and pray I do not do that to my daughters.

I love my mother so much for what she HAS done for me, and try to recognize the good instead of the bad.

Hello Kendra,

I understand what you're going through, but in a little different way. It took me a long time to just accept my mother and I could not have the relationship I wanted, and this was the relationship we had.

The reality is some mothers will not be the kind who you want them to be. Help yourself heal but accepting your relationship as what it is. That is what finally helped me.

Hugs,

R.

Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

My situation is much different than yours and I won't go into it. All I can say is, I'm sorry it hurts so much. Try to remember not to take her 'stuff' on yourself or personalize it. She's probably very stuck in some way. Some parents fail us in many ways. The 'up' side is that now you will know what your daughter needs from you.

I'm sorry.
I was hurt deeply by my mother many times starting in childhood. I never really thought she love me. She was also an alcoholic. I prayed for years trying to forgive her and often thought I should just cut her out of my life. But I also felt sorry for her.
Of all things, I went to a Dani Johnson seminar to help me with my home-based business. Within thirty minutes I was in tears. Somehow there of all places I forgave my mom. You can check out Dani's website at danijohnson.com. Maybe you will also find help through one of her audios.
Good luck and God bless.

I'm afraid you aren't alone with this problem!

My Mom was super involved when my son was born - he was the first grandchild and she was just over the moon - even though we lived on the other side of the country - we got together as much as possible.

Flash forward a few years - my second child was born and by this time there were 4 grandkids and my mom had found a favorite. She's never neglected my children - don't get me wrong - but her attention has definitely changed. It's hurtful but not the end of the world.

There are other examples of course - she wanted my son for the summer - made all sorts of plans - and as we moved forward with the plan she suddenly called out of no where and canceled - it didn't work because my brother (who lives in town with them) wanted her to watch his daughter (her fav) and she thought it would be too much to have them both. Of course his plans ended up being canceled at the last minute...typical.

For Mother's Day last year she made a big deal about getting a necklace she picked out - it cost $350 and my siblings and i split it. She opened it - promptly walked out of the room - and spent the next half hour calling everyone she knew and talking LOUDLY about how 'small and tiny' it was - it could have been for an INFANT. Yes - this is my mother....I won't go into all the other instances that make up our relationship.

Last Christmas she didn't even call my kids - she was just "too busy" with her favorite...etc, etc, etc...the list just goes on and on...

I've just started to accept that this is how she behaves. I now expect that she won't call or do the things I think she should. It's actually gotten better because i am no longer expecting her to be different - and I'm not shocked/surprised/hurt when she does her typical mom-sense.

Good luck...

Yes I have, and believe me it was way worse than forgetting to call for months on end, that could have permanently scarred me for life had I allowed it. Ultimately you have to not let it control your feelings, and remember that people often place their priorities in the wrong areas. I love my mom, and my sister and brother... but I could go weeks without talking to them. I simply just forget.

For express acts of rudeness... you have to put that in the past and be willing to start over. I would call her and calmly and nicely explain that you and your daughter are hurt that she did not care to contact her for this event.

We can't choose our parents and we certainly can't make them behave how we would like. Do not let it ruin your time with your own children, that's when we get the opportunity to do it how we like. Yes, I have been hurt by my mom: when I was 17 she kicked me out of the house and rented my room out to two guys, another time I didn't talk to her for six years, now she finally moved halfway around the world and we don't talk. I have an amazing relationship with my daughter though and that's what matters.

If you think about it as her problem, which it is, then maybe it might hurt less (maybe a little less?). It sounds like she has some issues, maybe esteem issues or other issues.

Have you tried talking to her about this? In a confrontational way, bring up your experience in college (hopefully that was long enough ago that you can talk about it with her and not get really upset). Let her know that you care about her, but you sometimes don't feel affection/love from her.... Let her know that you're not trying to make her feel guilty, but that you're trying to understand and that you are concerned when you see her do this, because you want her to enjoy her family and the joys of her grandchildren.

If she is depressed, she may be withdrawing from you/others, feeling that she doesn't want to burden you/she's not worthy/etc. Use "I feel" words rather than "You should/shouldn't" or "You make me" phrases.

My other thought is that, if she's an introvert and you're an extrovert, you may be unwittingly putting her in a awkward position. It could be that she didn't want to attend the event, but being extroverted, you may not have realized that and she feel pushed into and got herself into a scenario where she didn't know how to say no and so at the last minute, canceled and then felt guilty about it and so is avoiding you/your daughter out of guilt.

I'm sorry, my heart just breaks for you because I can only imagine how I would feel if my mother acted this way. There are quirks about my Mom that I could live without but at the end of every day I know she loves me.

Your Mom reminds me of my husband's Mom and he goes for long stretches of time without talking to her because he feels like you describe- unloved. I feel so bad for him. I try to make him feel loved in our home and tell him what a good parent he is, but I know he feels an emptiness that SHE should fill, and she fails at it time and time again. He tells her how he feels to no avail.

I have sat with my husband in counseling sessions going over and over and over again his feelings about his family and the counselor always says the same thing- you can only change the way YOU feel about it or the way YOU deal with it. He told my husband that if she continues to hurt him he needs to decide to cut his losses and limit contact with her.

Sounds like that's pretty painful for you though.

Gosh, I wish I had better advice for you than 'life sucks a big one.' But it does. And I'm so, SO sorry that you are hurting.

ALL the best to you.

My Mother is just the opposite... she's spiteful, capricious, extroverted, antagonistic, never wrong, and controlling.

We will make plans to go out - her, myself and older daughter - for a Girls day out or something... 8 out of 10 times she backs out literally less than an hour before the event. She does this to 'control' the situation or to get back at me or someone else. She calls at least 2-3 a DAY about stupid things which could have waited until I saw her next, which is usually every 3rd day.

Your Mom - like mine - seem to have depression but showcase it differently. My Mother doesn't think she's depressed but I know she is. She refuses to talk to a counselor, take the proper medications, etc... Nothing I can do to force it. I try to avoid her when I can.

Good Luck to you and don't take your Mom's behavior to heart or at a personal level.

Hi,

I completely understand your pain. It is very hurtful to have your parent do this to you! I would call her in the morning and tell her how you feel. Tell her that by not calling or telling you that she wasn't coming, it made you feel very unloved and like your daughter wasn't important to her. Tell her that it really hurt you and you need_________from her. Whatever you need from her, ask....you may not get it, but asking is the only way you will ever know!

Not all parents are EVERYTHING that we want or need them to be. You have to try and accept her for her as she is and once you do that, you will feel the freedom on the other side. Good luck!

M

My mom is very socially awkward, and she often ends up doing something that embarrasses me or even my kids. She deals with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD, and between them all she just hasn't learned how to pick up on social cues or how to act appropriately sometimes, try as she might.

It may be that your mom is not just timid and shy, but that she has anxiety about social situations, or even that she suffers with depression (and some of us get VERY good at hiding that it's what is going on). It could be that she was just unable to come, or call, for emotional reasons.

I would call her and let her know how much you missed her. Let her know your daughter would have loved to have her there. But avoid laying on the guilt, it could just make her feel worse. Maybe, at the end, casually ask her if everything is okay, or if there is anything you can do.

You can also use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter to try to see the other person's side of the story (try to see what someone else going through before judging them, that kind of thing) and about forgiving and loving unconditionally anyway.

my mom was like that ALL the day.. now part of HER problem was she drank.. BUT even though she did, years later when she didn't , IF I didn't call her.. I didn't hear from her.. one, I think it was depression on her part and she simply withdrew all the time and two..... and this is just my opinion.. but I also think because she suffered from very LOW self-esteem, it was kinda one of those things whereby if she didn't hear from me, she probably thought, I didn't want to talk to her... also, when having a pity-party (having had many myself :)
it's easy to fall deeper into a slump and push others way.. further, deepening your feelings of not feeling wanted..
it's tough because you think at "this age" moms should know better and hey, what the heck is going on here.. but I assure you... even when some people get older, they don't necessarily get better......... it takes worse.. and either we are getting better or getting worse..

how do you get over it.. sigh......... it's not easy.. and it's something I have struggled with for years. although, as life goes on (and it does) you have to try your best NOT to personalize other peoples' actions and this includes your mothers.. that is tough because after all, she is your mom.. but she is also just a person... try and take an objective view if you can.. you are right, you can't change her, but you can change you.. so the only way you will feel better is by changing your expectations... make a game of it..
send her that card and call... and try (even if just for fun) to NOT want anything in return.... you may not be able to do it for a long time, yet.. just give it a try... call, be uplifting and wish her the best.. and see if that doesn't help bring her out of her shell a bit...

Is it possible that something maybe be going on with your mom that you don;t know about, or that because she is so timid and you obviously are so out spoken, that she may not want to be bashed by you---thus avoids the confrontation.

It takes 2 ya know!

Instead of being angry, hurt or frustrated, why not turn the table and just call to say 'I love you' and leave it at that---without bringing up any negativity.

You might get a smile in response and she may begin to feel more relaxed!

I have the exact same problem with my dad, It was my daughters birthday last week, no phone call no present. My stepmother did the cop out facebook "say happy birthday from us" Well that is lame.
I have lived in the USA for almost 5 years, and not once has he visited me. ( he still loves in the UK) He very rarely will call me, and I mean every 3 or 4 months. I know he loves me, I just think he is very detached from reality, and maybe your mom is the same way? I really don't know what we can do about it, we can't change them. Sometimes I am almost positive my dad has aspergers, or some kind of undiagnosed autism because he doesn't seem to empathize, or feel any of the normal ranges of emotions people feel.
Maybe your mom has an undiagnosed problem like that?
I can't heal it, but I tend to distance myself from him, because he has hurt me so much with his behavior, I try to imagine it is not his fault, he can't help it - even though as a 63 year old successful businessman, and worshipful master in the masons, he should surely have some savvy on how to treat his own children. He treats both me and my sister in this way - children from his first marriage, my step mother treats the other children totally differently. We just have to let it go, and focus on the people who care about us.

You've gotten some excellent responses, but one thing I haven't seen is any discussion on how to limit the possibility of damage your mother could inflict on your daughter. You can shield your daughter from your mom's "stuff" by not building your child's expectations of what grandma's participation in her life is going to look like. Teach her to be pleased when grandma shows up, but not to expect to see her. It may also help to give her concrete ideas of how to interact with grandma when she is around. Does your mom enjoy quiet games, walks, a one-on-one conversation over a cup of tea? You don't say how old your daughter is, but it may even be possible to let her know that grandma sometimes behaves in ways that don't make sense to the rest of the family, and that it's about grandma, not about your daughter at all.

My own mom is quite a piece of work, and I'm trying to teach my kids to handle her extreme quirks with humor and not to be hurt when grandma comes to visit and doesn't interact with them. Unfortunately, while she is in love with the idea of grandkids in theory, my mom really doesn't enjoy actually spending time with them. Since my mom can be manipulative, I've also tried to arm them against her machinations. I've let them know some of the things grandma promises will never happen. (Sadly, this was not hard to get across to them because they've seen her in action.) When she is here, I try to come up with things she and the kids can do together (baking, crafting, field trips) so that they have some structured way of interacting, and so that my kids will have a good time even though grandma is not really fully engaged.

Good luck. Remember the things that you control - your reactions and responses to your mom, and what happens in your own home.

I have been hurt repeatedly by my mother. With all due respect to her, she frequently exhibits the social graces of a wombat. Given the challenges that she had in her family of origin, in which she was an only child, and without giving any particulars, there is ample explanation for this, so I presume that she really does not know better and does not realize how her behavior impacts others. Perhaps your mother is in this situation. Perhaps your mother didn't want to drive the 4 hours? (Or did I understand this right?)

The best way I have found to deal with this is as follows: I. Do not feel hurt. She is probably not trying to hurt you as much as she is either oblivious or is dealing with her own internal demons. 2. Treat her with as much courtesy and respect as you possibly can. Go ahead and give her a Mother's Day gift - without strings attached. Don't expect gratitude or thanks. 3. Above all, do not try to control her behavior with yours, whether it be ignoring her or giving her gifts. You are both responsible for your own behavior and you cannot "control" her into acting in a loving manner toward you if she does not do this on her own.

Above all, realize that you are a good, whole person and are not dependent upon your mother's outward shows of affection to you or your children to be such a person.

Good luck.