How Important Are the Words "I'M SORRY" to You?

He is saying he's sorry.... the words are just words, you are actually getting a better apology since he does "actions".

He is saying sorry. . like you said in his own way. Be glad that he actually means it by doing what he does. My ex would say sorry ALL THE TIME and never meant it. So I'm sorry, really means nothing to me now. Next time he says you get to pick, just imagine him saying "I'm sorry". That might help.

For me, hearing "I'm sorry" is nice, but I really need to SEE that you're sorry. Show me you're sorry by not doing the same dumb thing again, be a little nicer to me so that I can see you're sorry, that kind of stuff.

LET IT GO! My hubby never to rarely says, "I'm sorry" either in words, but he usually gets me a chocolate shake or does me a favor. That's how he apologizes and I'll take it. Don't nag an apologetic husband into apologizing only your way. Be grateful for anything good he does or he'll stop with the coffee and chocolate bars and won't say he is sorry either. : )

My husband HATES confrontation, he's as stoic and stubborn and manly as the next guy. But he WILL say I'm sorry during some super important times, and I can't tell you the relief it gives me. I'd like to say I'm above it and would accept just the gestures (he does those too) but the words, and the fact that they are so difficult, really matter. You should explain it to him.

Also, for the kids, seeing parents apologize is really important. I yelled at him for leaving a window wide open after dark when we just had a bat in here not a week before when he wasn't home and bats in the house are my big pet peeve-sorry to be a perfectionist...but it really upset the kids to see me yell at him. I was still pissed but I said, "OK, you guys are right, I'm sorry I yelled at you" and hugged and kissed him. He felt better, they felt better, its a basic powerful human obligation. He should do it. Why does he get off scott free? No one likes to do it.

Let it go. I would much rather have a heartfelt act than a coerced(thereby meaningless) phrase.

I always say I'm sorry even if I didn't intend anything or it was just a miscommunication. I truly mean that I'm sorry if something I said or did was taken the wrong way because it's not how I meant it. But, I think sometimes people see saying I'm sorry as meaning "I was WRONG." When it's looked at that way....someone is wrong and someone is right, and sorry can be a hard thing to say.
I think your husband is trying to show you that he's sorry which might actually carry more weight than words.
My husband was abusive and I cringed every time the floral delivery truck showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers. The meaner he was, the bigger the bouquet.
I told him that just once, I'd like to get flowers that didn't have a "Please forgive me" card attached.
He said he was sorry a million times. Begged my forgiveness. Bought me thousand dollar earrings. His behavior never changed though. The gifts just got bigger and I resented them even more.
I would take small and genuine gestures over words any day.

But, that's just me.
I wouldn't push for the words because "I'm sorry" can become so easy to say with no meaning behind it and if it's not real, the words mean nothing anyway.

I'm so glad you asked this, because I feel the same way sometimes. I feel like I am always the one to say sorry first, and I am usually the first one to try and make amends too. I don't know how much help my answer is (since I feel the same way you do), but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone!

My husband is the same way. Consider yourself lucky that he brings you a cup of coffee or chocolate bar or token gift. I get no apology and nothing else. It's the machismo, alpha male in them...never wanting to admit they're wrong. By any chance, is your husband an attorney? My husband is an attorney and all he does is argue and convince everyone that he's right, it's his job.

Just one more response--a little bit different take on this whole thing. Ok--so two books you MUST read--they are short but SO insightful. Wish I had read them BEFORE I got married (24 years ago) and then once a year thereafter. #1 is called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Sounds like your love language may be "words of affirmation" and your husbands may be "gifts" or "service". Also--"For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldham. Great book (may have spelled her last name wrong). Seriously--don't give up the ship just yet. My hubby and I have been married 24 years and we are still learning about each other. It is worth it to invest in your relationship. Good luck!!

It sounds like he kisses your butt already. Get over it!

I would probably let it go when you know that he is apologizing in his way. My husband does the same thing, and it bothers me as well.
I don't know how old your children are, but we have a toddler. In a time that we were not in a dissagreement (important!) we were having a conversation about modeling manners and behaviors that we want our daughter to display and I brought up saying the words "I'm sorry" when we do something the other doesn't like. It has seemed to work even when the little one is not in the room. Although we have been calling each other mommy and daddy a little too often as well! haha.

Some people simply have trouble saying the words. Go ahead and say them to him when you need to. But his gifts and gestures are evidently what he has to communicate with. Maybe he'll may change as time goes on - maybe - but you can't make him. Let him know you appreciate his way of apologizing. After all, if you owed him an apology and he thought saying "I'm sorry" wasn't enough, how would you feel?

So often these days I am framing my relationships with others around what I am teaching my kids ( 4& 2) and I make both say I am sorry when they have hurt another, WHETHER THEY HURT INTENTIONALLY OR NOT. My 4 says it spontaneously, but my very young 2 has to almost be forced. My husband often says sorry before me and when he doesn't need too (IMO). I will see our tiffs as minor disagreements that we both should honestly look at as understandable friction bt/w consenting adults (with kids/house/jobs/lives that get in the way!), and it doesn't HAVE to follow with " I'm Sorry". BUT "I'm Sorry" is important with my husband, and I say and mean SORRY freely and willingly. So. I think that your husband is understandable in not saying it all the time, but he should say it, if it is important to you. IMO. for all that it is worth or not! LOL!

My husband NEVER used to say he was sorry. I told him how much it hurt me that he wouldn't lay down his pride and say sorry. He took that to heart and now he says that he is sorry and even more than that, he backs it up with action by not doing "that thing" to hurt me again.

I don't take kindly to kiss-ups and buy outs. I don't want a gift to try to buy my forgiveness! My husband's dad is a huge jerk. One day, my husband came home riding a brand new Harley Davidson. It turned out that his dad treated him badly and then gave him a "present" instead of apologizing. What a cop out! A simple and sincere, "I'm sorry" is cheaper financially and PRICELESS, relationally.

I really like his way.

I totally agree with the other moms who said actions speak louder then words. Having many disagreements in my realationship, "I'm sorry" gets kind of old. But I think if the person tries to show their sorry it means the world.

It makes me crazy when my husband can't be humble enough to say two little words.

Hmm, reading the other responses: so I should rethink my stance on husbands saying sorry? You all make some good points.

Okay, I'll rethink it.

Let it go and be happy that he is a great husband and a wonderful father. Longterm relationships last because the people involved are not petty and look at the bigger picture and goal of making a family work as a unit.

Don't worry about it. 25 years and mine never says he is sorry - but usually demonstrates it some other way. It used to bother me when I was younger but eventually I could let it go. I put it right in the category of not taking the trash out to the garage and not shaving on Saturday now. I'm sure he's got a couple of those on me, too.

I think you've got a pretty good thing going if your hunny will actually show his apology by offering your a make-up gift, is a great husband and a wonderful father. "I'm sorry" are two of the hardest words in the world to say, and probably more so for a man.

There would be nothing wrong with telling your husband that it would mean a lot to you if he were able to verbally apologize, so that you know what he's apologizing for. An argument could, for example, simply be a dynamic he was uncomfortable with, so he offers a token gift to settle feelings without ever addressing the underlying issues. But even if he apologizes clearly for something he said or did, that doesn't necessarily guarantee the issue is settled forever.

So, I guess I would count my blessings, and find the most grownup possible ways to address any ongoing problems (my husb and I use the brilliant process called Non-Violent Communication), and I would be really generous about apologizing myself when appropriate.

My Husband... nearly NEVER apologizes for anything... nor does he try and make up.... in any manner.
But... he 'expects' ME to apologize... and remembers like an elephant if I don't.

On my Birthday recently, he decided to pick a fight. He NEVER even said happy birthday to me either, on that day. I was furious and hurt by it. He NEVER apologized.
His Birthday is coming up soon... I have no inclination to plan anything spectacular... for his birthday. I bought him a gift though. That's it.

Saying sorry.... only counts, if the person means it.... in their heart or by actions.

My husband NEVER says he's sorry. It drives me freekin' batty. I want him to acknowledge when he is wrong. He is the same as yours, he will do the dishes, vaccuum, bring me a treat....but NEVER "I'm sorry" "I was wrong" or "you're right".
I tell him that I expect him to apologize and he looks at me like i have a third eye. He just wont do it, and if I say I want him to, he's even more stubborn.
I don't know how important it is, it's almost offensive to me that he just can't admit when he's wrong, but maybe it's a macho thing. Maybe men CAN'T admit when they are wrong. WHo knows....I have just decided to let lie...I KNOW when he is doing some kind of service for me that he is doing it because he's sorry....but I wish he would apologize too!
L.

In my opinion, actions are more important than the words. Anyone can say I am sorry but truly meaning it and really showing it -- that is the hard part!

Try to remember that everyone is different in their ways of communication, especially men. Because of our up-bringing, we communicate they way we were taught by our parents and childhood friends (girls w/ girlfriends, and guys w/ guy friends). Boys don't generally grow up expressing their sorrows to their friends, they learn to suck-it-up and act tough, the most fearless in the group is usually the most popular, unfortunately for us women when trying to understand them in the adult world (Venus vs Mars) The actual words "I'm sorry", may have no meaning to him at all, or it's just not a natural expression. Or, maybe he grew up, never hearing the words from his Dad or someone close to him , or maybe he heard them too often... His way of communicating, is through actions, which is very admirable in my book. A lot of people (men) are just all talk and no action. So, accept his communication style, and try not to take things personally. Remember his way of saying he's sorry, is showing you. You are a very lucky woman!