How Long Is Too Long?

Marcela,

There's no magical time, some folks marry right away, some don't marry at all.

If you want to get married and he doesn't, ask him to move out, so you can move on and find a husband.

Blessings....

4 1/2 years is a long time, I agree. Just have a candid discussion with him. If he never plans to marry you, you will need to decide whether or not you can live with being his girlfriend forever and not his wife. If that will not be okay with you, look for someone else who is marriage-minded. Best wishes.

Too long was 3 years ago! You are too old to be "hinting". You straight out say I want to get married, do you? And take it from there. Do not waste one more second on this man if he doesn't want the same things you do. Good luck.

My husband and I were living together within 6 months of starting our relationship. In my head I gave it 5 years (for a proposal). I knew he was coming out of a very bad divorce so I could wait, but I wanted a family and was not willing to start one without being married.

Four years into the relationship, I basically asked him where he saw us going. A year later we were married. My point is you need to be direct and ask him point blank. Don’t expect him to read your mind. Men are from Mars, not psychic. In my case, he wanted to get me a ring but didn’t think we could afford it. I explained that the ring was the icing, what I wanted was the cake.

In your case, his being a widow and you divorced, he may not want to pressure you and he may be afraid after experiencing that type of loss. Once you talk you will know where things stand. GOOD OR BAD. Hopefully it will be GOOD.

How does he know marriage is what you want?
Why don't you propose to him?
For my husband - I waited 9 years.
But that's because he was 14 and I was 17 when we first met.
We had to grow up, finish school and college and get jobs.
We were officially engaged for a year and a half and we married when he was 24 and I was 27. We'll celebrate our 22nd anniversary this summer.
Don't just sit there and wait for something to happen.
Be an active force in your own life.
If marriage is what you want - pursue it and make it happen.
If marriage is not what he wants, then make a clean break of it and find someone who wants what you want.

You have been with him 4 YEARS, and you only feel comfortable hinting? Talk to him!! My goodness, you've been together for almost half a decade and you can't even tell him your wants and desires? He probably doesn't even know what you truly want!!! You are already playing house, maybe he doesn't see a need to get married. You two need to have a serious talk about expectations and desires...something that should have happened years ago!!!

I think the topic of marriage would have come up at around the O. year mark.
Either:
•He has no interest in getting married again--ever.
•He's clueless LOL and you'll, have to ask point blank if he has intentions of getting married
If you DO want to be married (for sure) and he doesn't (for sure) then you can either A.) accept the relationship as it is or B.)move on & keep looking!
Sounds like you are the marrying kind and you DO want to be married. Your choice will be is he worth giving that up for? Can you be happy as it is right now? If not, you've gotta move on! Good luck!

To answer your direct question my husband and I dated for 3 years (two while in college and 1 after) then we broke up (tragic error in judgement on both of our parts). He was married to someone else for 10 years and I was living my life. He divorced in 2004. Tried dating me again in 2006. It didn't work then either because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too but I'm not that kind of girl. In 2007 He moved to Florida while I was still here in NJ but still things weren't right for me. So again I let the relationship go. In 2009 he finally got serious about marriage and having a relationship with me, he moved back to NJ and we were married in October of 2009. We have known each other for over 20 years. I never waited for him to come around I just really maintained a standard and when he fell in line with that standard everything came together.

If your objective is marriage, why are you living with this man that has made no mention or move toward marriage? If you want to turn things around you need to be open to the possibilty that the true man of your dreams is a man that esteems marriage and is ready, willing and able to marry you.

Talk to you man while you prepare to let your actions speak louder than your words. You have been with this man long enough to have the marriage talk with him.

Marcela:

I say it bluntly. Not meaning to be hurtful....

Why does he have to marry you? He's already got you. Free sex. Free Roommate and all the other stuff....

If he was going to marry you - he would've done it by now. He SHOULD'VE talked to your dad BEFORE you moved in together to talk about his plans for your future. As it stands now - he's got EXACTLY what he wants. Why change it? It works for him.

You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him EXACTLY what you are expecting. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just tell him - I am expecting X from my future. These are my plans for MY future. What are yours? How do I fit into that? If he can't give you good, solid answers - pack your bags and leave.

Good luck!

for the man of my dreams, with whom i lived and shared a life, with a great family? i'd already be happy.
why are you hinting? if you want to get married, say so. i don't understand why women wait for men to do all the deciding and arranging.
if (as juliet says) marriage be your purpose, then let him know what your expectations are. if he's not interested, you can get out now. you've already waited too long.
but that's not his fault.
khairete
S.

There's a larger issue here: You've been living together already longer than some couples stay married, so why are you still communicating by "hinting here and there"? Because you want him to initiate the idea? Because you want him to surprise you? That would be great, but he clearly doesn't take hints. After this long, you should feel able to flat-out tell him how you feel -- with the awareness that since he hasn't even brought up marriage, he may be truly thrown for a loop. He likely is assuming that you're just dandy with the way things are, since he's never heard otherwise from you. So communicate, rather than hint, and be ready for this to be huge news to him. How he reacts -- well, that's another issue. If you're hinting because at heart you're scared he'll bolt if you say "I'd like to get married," you need to ask why you fear that.

It sounds like you guys need to have a long talk about each of your expectations for the future. It may be possible that he isn't comfortable with marrying again. To him, it may feel wrong to marry another woman. I've known many widowed people who felt that way. Regardless though, you need to talk with him directly about it. Men don't get subtlety or hints. They need billboards and big flashing signs.

You guys need to talk about what you want for your future, after 4 years of dating, you have a right to know where its going. My husband and I dated for a little over 5 years, but we were also 16 when we started dating.

My husband proposed to me after 6 months of dating. We got married when we'd been together for a year and a half. At the time, I was a tiny bit nervous that we moved to fast, so I asked him about it. He simply said, "I know what I want and when I want it, and I want you, so why wait?" That was that, and I've belonged to him ever since. :)

I think 4 years is way too long. Don't you think that at his age he should know what he wants? I sort of agree that since you're already so far into the relationship, he probably doesn't feel rushed and isn't worried about it. You should talk to him about it. Don't just live together and not get married....but you need to put a little pressure on, IMO.

I don't think there's a "correct" answer for "how long is too long." Every person is different. He may be scared of getting married again, after losing his first wife.

My husband and I dated for three years before we got engaged. When we first started dating, "marriage" was a four-letter word to him. Honestly, I don't know why I stuck around, as I knew I wanted to be married someday. He went from being definitely not interested in marriage, to saying if we could last ten years dating, then maybe. Then one day out of the blue he started saying things like "if we get married one day," and then taking me ring shopping, and then proposing a few weeks later.

My husband was scared of getting married again. The first time he got married, he was young and naive. When his wife asked him for a divorce, he had no idea it was coming. He felt betrayed, and had decided he would never put himself in that position again. He used to go around saying "The number one cause of divorce is marriage" and "I hate to see two good people throw their lives away like that" and "I don't know why you're in such a hurry to join the divorce club."

One more thing: YOU can decide when it's been too long, too. Let him know that you want to be married. Start saying things like "if we ever get married" or similar things to let him know you're thinking about it. Or if you're a more direct person, just bring it up. Either way, at some point you're going to have to have a conversation about it. If he says he just doesn't want to marry, then you have to decide what you want to do next. Do you call the whole thing off, and leave him? Or do you stay in the relationship and hope it eventually leads to marriage, anyway? If you choose the latter, then I think you should set your own ending point. For example, you might choose to give it two more years, and tell yourself (not him, necessarily--I'm not saying you should give him an ultimatum) that by age 50, if he's still not showing any interest in marriage, then you have to move on. That's what I did; I gave it three more years after we had the convo (and during the convo, I told him "ten years just doesn't work for me"). It took two.

Talk to him.
It is very possible that he is taking his time to be cautious.
Maybe he doesn't want to get married again..Not because something is wrong with you.
He could have the viewpoint of only getting married once.
You just REALLY need to bring it up. NO ultimatums. NO anger.
You just simply need to ask him "Hey what is your viewpoint on getting married again?"
And have that conversation with him.
Then if he says he only believes in getting married once, You have to decide what you want to do.
In my honest viewpoint. IF I was in that situation I wouldn't just go STRAIGHT to leave the man.
You also need to figure out WHY you want to marry him, why it's important, if it is, etc.
Just something you both need to discuss.

I completely understand about wnting to get married. It's about committment, legal protection, etc. The problem is that you moved in without having first had the discussion - you assumed the moving in would lead to marriage - it seems he did not. Different assumptions - bummer. If it's important to you you need to ask the question. He's ignoring the hints - I think on purpose. Realize the topic may creat a chasm in the the relationship. You need to consider and decide now before you open the topic for discussion- whether it's a deal breaker for you. He may not change his mind - he has all the advantages of marriage without many of the responsibilities. Let's face it, when you get married you promise to take care of each other, no matter what. There's a legal oblifation financially, and even medically. Without the benefit of marriage you have no standing if he's in the hospital, if he dies, if he becomes incapacitated, etc. I've seen people in your situation lose so much of their resources and security when the other part of the couple has a horible accident or becomes very ill.

I've always been a firm believer that there should be a "state-your-intentions" conversation about a year into a relationship to see if you're both on the same page or not, to avoid wasting each other's time. I opened this conversation with husband about a year into it. He was uncertain of our future at that point and I gave him 6-9 months to make a decision. He said it was unfair, I agreed but explained that since I was already mid-30's & I wanted children one day I needed to know if he wasn't interested in marriage & babies sometime in the next 5 years then I had to cut my losses and move on. Sounds cold and not at all romantic - but I was being pragmatic. We're now married 16 years and have been together for almost 20 years.

Some men need a nudge to make the committment - but some men will run for the hills at the mention of the "C" word. You need to decide if you're willing to be without him if he's one that will run. Good luck!

I understand. Not the same age bracket, but I've been there... you could go way back in my questions and see!! My feeling is, if you're high school sweethearts and have your entire lives ahead of you to figure out who you are, then yes, wait. At your age, WHY wait? You either know this person's the one, or you don't... We were together almost 4 years before he finally popped the question (and it was about time, because I'm too old to be a 'girlfriend' forever!!) Why not propose to him? Seriously! WHY NOT?! I did, about a dozen times, and my guy never said no... but he never said yes either. My point is, HE got the point, and now there's ring on my finger ;)

I think you need to have an honest and open discussion with him about what you want out of the relationship and when you want it, marriage, kids? 4 1/2 years is definitely long enough to get some serious answers. If you're not satisfied with his responses I would seriously consider moving on...you have a right to be happy!
On the other hand you didn't say how old you are, if you're early 20's that could be a reason for not rushing into it. But again, it's what you want and if you're not getting what you need out of the relationship it's time to move on!

Marcela,

You need to have a heart to heart talk- tell him what you feel and ask him point blank if he has any plan or thought about marrying you! Don't wait any longer-if this is important to you, talk to him about it! No more hinting. Tell him straight up what you feel and what you want. Good luck!

M

It's already been too long... if he wants to marry you he would have done so by now. You need to have a very serious conversation with him regarding your expectations for the relationship. If you're not "okay" being a live-in girlfriend then it's time for a heart-to-heart and then a back-up plan.

We were dating for 10 months when we moved-in together, just over a year when he asked my father for his blessing, and 18 months when we got engaged... just over two years after meeting we were married.

That's why I never moved in with my husband before we married. (even though he begged me to) I've know way too many people that moved in with one another and ended up never getting married, or waiting decades to and then eloped.

The funny thing about moving in with one another before marrage is that your already "living" the married life. And the act of planning a wedding just becomes a troublsome "chore". This happened to my best friend.

I agree with Bug... stop hinting. Men just don't get hints. (my husband will admit to this). You need to tell him what it is you want and why. Men need it spelled out for them. Good luck!

I'm the same age as you. Honestly, I wouldn't bother with getting married. What's the point? You already live with him. If you really want to get married, YOU should ask HIM.

We dated for 5 years (lived together in an apartment and bought a house prior to marrying). We are going on 12 years of a HAPPY marriage now.

I think that those that rush in after a year of blissful dating end up in a divorce type situation (not ALL of course, but some). Taking your time is not a bad idea. BUT, I would certainly get the conversation on the table. IF he has no interest at all in marriage and possibly children, it might be time for you to wrap it up and move on.

Good Luck!

why get married?

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why get married?