How Not to "Judge"

You don't have to like her choices. In fact, it is probably impossible to like peoples choices 100% of the time. Just be careful not to be sucked into her situation.

Love and acceptance are not always mutually exclusive. I have a sibling who uses drugs and got all her children taken away, for neglect. I love her, but you better believe I don't like her choices. Her choices are damaging to herself and those around her. I had to move on. I love her, I let her know that. I support her, and will always support her sobriety. I will always help her efforts to turn around. However, I don't support her lifestyle, and I won't be a part of it. So, we talk some...but she is not a large part of my life. I can't invite that chaos into my life.

You know what? When people are hurting themselves and others, we have every right to "judge." I don't meant pointing out to them constantly what they are doing. I mean view it as wrong, and not hide the fact that it is. I'm not going to pretend and hide the fact that what my sibling does is wrong...so that I don't come across as judgey. Yes, I judge her choices. They are wrong. I don't act like rainbows and unicorns so she won't be offended.

My very good friend was having an on-going affair with a married man while she was married to a man I had become friends with too. At first I told her not to talk about the relationship with the other man with me but eventually I just decided I could not be friends with someone who could do this to her husband and child. I really can't say I feel bad about judging her. If she wanted to have a relationship with someone else she should have divorced her husband IMO.

You may be judged by the company you keep:) so don't be too hard on yourself.

I wholeheartedly agree with Bug. She is right. You are supposed to judge the difference between "right" and "wrong" and decide what portion of that you want to allow into your life. Some may point fingers and say you are judging her but the truth is you are judging what you deem acceptable and unacceptable.

You're not judging her. You're concerned for her. You're not obligated to show her unconditional love if she's breaking the law and making poor choices. You can't control her, but you can control yourself. Personally, I would probably have to distance myself from someone like that. She is not the same person that you chose to be your "best friend". She has changed. She has turned into someone with poor character that will continue to make bad choices until she loses everything and then will maybe learn, or maybe not.

The verb "judge" actually has several meanings, but the popular trend is to use it as if it means only *one* thing: to form a negative opinion about someone or something.

There was an old '70s motto, "Whatever works for you is just fine" - which is sometimes construed as "unconditional love" but isn't really - and perhaps that has become a hard and fast social requirement. After all, being negative about anything or anybody opens one up to be accused (judged) of being "judgmental" (harshly negative).

Baloney. We are judging (evaluating) things all the time. Are you being harsh in realizing your cousin's choices are very bad ones? Maybe not. Maybe you know that she's doing wrong things, hurting herself and people around her, acting rotten - and your heart is breaking for her at the same time.

You don't need to shake a finger in her face (it hardly ever does any good), but you don't have to pat her on the head and say, "There, there."

Don't harbor feelings of hatred or resentment toward her if you can help it; don't talk about her behind her back; and, as others have said, do separate yourself from her quietly if you need to, and don't be an enabler. It may be the best way to love her. If she calls you on the carpet for that, you can say, in a businesslike way, "I can't go along with you about what you've been doing." If she wants to "dump" on you emotionally and get sympathy, you can say, "I can't talk about this with you." There's a little self-preservation involved, and that's all right.

Sadly, she may have to go down that spiral to find out that she really wants to come back up again. Then maybe you can be there to encourage her to find a better direction for her life.

I had a very good friend who became someone I felt I didn't even know. Her decisions hurt many people around her - including her children. I didn't know how to be her friend and keep my mouth shut. I tried to help her out but she only wanted to be supported by people who supported bad decisions. The person I once treasured was becoming someone I hardly knew.

We are still friends but I couldn't sit by and just let her go down this really bad path without saying ANYTHING.. call it judging or call it responding to what seemed like a cry for help. But she really didn't want to hear anything negative about her poor choices and bad behavior...so we were distant for quite some time.

I don't have the answer - I struggled a LOT with this myself. But you don't have to condone someone's poor choices. I decided that I wouldn't become friends with the person who she became so why did I feel like I needed to maintain a friendship with that person. We are still friends but it is different... the things we had in common became less and less.

No, not personally. But I would correct you to ask why you find it imperative that you "show her unconditional love and support"? Loving, yes. Support? Depends entirely upon what you mean by support. If it means blanket agreement and encouragement in her current course of action, then NO! If by support you mean trying to be an ear for her or a shoulder to lean on or offering her helpful ideas or suggestions to improve her situation or make better choices, then of course.
But, if someone you care about is making terrible choices in their life, it is not required of you to wholeheartedly agree with their choices in order to be a good friend or caring person towards them. Often, the most caring and concerned person will disagree with them and show them that there are better alternatives to what is going on. They may not like it, but it doesn't mean that it is bad or mean for you to do so. But you have to be careful that you truly intend to be helpful, and not just bossy. It can be a fine line. And, unfortunately, even if you deliver your "help" in the most positive, kind and helpful way, the other person may not receive it that way. It doesn't necessarily reflect on you.

Why do you have to show her unconditional love? I disagree with that statement. If you actually think that it is possible not to judge someone close to you if they are doing illegal and immoral things, then you are more than human.

You can love someone, but not accept their actions. You can keep your mouth shut, but sometimes you shouldn't. You can't make her do the right thing, but you don't have to enable her.

Figure out what YOU do that enables, and don't do that. It might cause you two problems, but perhaps that is better than making it easy for her to lie and cheat or whatever it is that she is doing.

You have to be able to sleep at night. If she is trying to coerce you into making it easier for her to do things that are wrong, you have a right to put your foot down and say no to any part of it that she wants you to accept.

If that's judging, too bad, really.

Dawn

Well the thing is:
some of the things she is doing... is illegal. Or "bordering" on illegal, as you put it.
Per culture and society, there are overriding LAWS.
And what is right/wrong.
So, there are not only moral constructs to this dilemma... but LEGAL constructs, to this problem.
And you either, be a by-stander or spectator to it, or you do something about it. Per YOUR.... sense of what is right or wrong.

Providing "unconditional" love and support, does NOT mean... just letting someone do something illegal. And it does not mean, just being a by-stander to it. So that they can continue on doing illegal and unethical things.
Love or unconditional love... does NOT mean.... just being deaf and mute about something. And then watching a train-wreck happening.

But either way, you are a part of it.

You are not "judging."
This is a different construct.

But, you are uncomfortable, with her life/what she is doing and how.... because it is, bordering on illegal and her being.... not remorseful about it.

And in a LEGAL sense... if you are aiding and abetting someone who is doing something morally or legally illegal... you are.... being like that too.
And LEGALLY, you can get into trouble, too.
ie: if she lies and tells people you helped her, you will get in trouble, too.

Then, there is the basic reaction of:
you either stand up for yourself... or you don't and be someone's door-mat.

And one day, your Cousin MAY be in front of a real JUDGE... who judges her. And then what?
Everyone will say "I told you so...." and by then, that doesn't mean anything.

You can only make your choices according to your moral code.
Don't gossip.
Don't enable.
Don't lie for her.
That may require not talking to her.
I unconditionally love my kids but I will not be happy about any behavior that hurts this kid I have raised, even if they do it to themselves.
Sometimes the best I can do is to say nothing.
I have a BPD mil that I haven't talked to in about a year. I love her but her choices make me sick. I know if she started in on others, I could not hold back. My best choice for me and her is to shut up. She is mentally ill, I have to accept it and go on.
I have a close cousin that made unwise choices and it kept us from being close for a while. Now, we as close as ever. Just be there. You don't have to be involved.

You can love the sinner and hate the sin.
Because you disapprove of her life/choices doesn't mean you can't/don't love her.
Don't enable her, just love her.
You don't have to "act" like you approve of her choices.
Maybe (I don't know her or her situation) she is doing the best she can with what she has and where she is right now?
The thing is, she doesn't need and isn't motivated by your approval.
So, if her choices aren't directly affecting you & your family, you can continue to have a warm relationship.
Knowing YOUR own values will guide just how much you can "be there" for her. For example if she is living with a man & their kids, but in married, don't offer a 2 month stay at your house, if that makes you uncomfortable.

I loved my brother through several decades of drug addiction. I didn't always like him. I tried hard not to enable him. But I always loved him.
Good luck!

I don't see what the big deal is as long as you don't try to push your opinions on everyone else. Everyone judges...it is a way of life. You make a judgement every time you make a choice. You have judged one way better than the alternatives. Everyone parents differently and judges other parents on their choices. I mean really, if you thought that someone else's way of thinking was better, you would have chosen that way in the first place, right?

Sometimes you do have to step away from someone because of their choices. Sometimes you are stepping away not because you no longer care, but because they seem to no longer care about their own best interests.

I refrain from judging by accepting that those choices are hers to make. As long as they don't physically affect me I have no right to tell her she's wrong. I do have the right to tell her that I don't agree with the choices if she asks me for my opinion. Otherwise her life is none of my business.

My life and a friend's/cousin's life are separate. If their choices are uncomfortable for me then I can choose how involved I want to be in their life. I do not see that as judging. It is our responsibility to have in our life what is best for us. She has the right to make choices for her life. I have the obligation to make choices for my life.

Later: You can be there for her without agreeing with her lifestyle. Listen to her vent. Don't offer an opinion unless she asks for one. Be courteous while being honest. You can still spend time with her doing things that are OK for you. Have lunch, talk on the phone, see a movie. Just being with her is supportive. You can tell her you don't want to talk about some things. Just calmly say that topic is uncomfortable for you. If she asks, say why. Otherwise just change the subject.

I haven't read the other answers, but if anyone tells you they don't judge, they are lying. Everyone makes judgment -- it is a necessary thought process humans do by nature for survival. The difference is what you then do with those judgments your brain automatically creates. Those who are considered obnoxiously judgmental are those who act upon those judgments, sometimes severely and unfairly. Those who are compassionate and understanding are those who evaluate those judgments and choose compassion and understanding in spite of their personal feelings. You can evaluate your cousin's behaviors as unacceptable and inappropriate for you, but you can still love that cousin. You can even tell her how you feel and still be there to support her. You can't not judge. Sorry. So don't beat yourself up for doing it. But how will you treat her based on those judgments?

You can still love the person while not accepting the choices she makes and recognizing that she's making poor choices... even illegal and immoral choices. Sometimes supporting someone means distancing yourself from their poor choices, especially if getting involved means your own life will end up negatively affected ... and she won't care.

For now, give her time and distance. She needs to get through this on her own.

Unconditional love does not mean "no boundaries." When we watch someone on their path, even a destructive one, we can still love them and not embrace what they are choosing. Love is accepting that they have a right to their own journey and the consequences of their choices. Judging is to say: "They shouldn't be that way." Loving is to say: "They are that way." It is not judgment to see the facts and reality of someone's choices, it is judgment to say they shouldn't be there.

Creating boundaries is then the loving action that you take for both of you. "Being there" can be tempered by becoming aware of what your needs are, how much you do have to give without giving yourself away, feeling your feelings, and honoring your own space.

One of the consequences of some people's journey is that those close to them will start to distance themselves. We often think that this is not loving. However, the less we choose to enable or rescue people the more need they are going to have to resolve their own issues. It is extremely loving to watch someone you love going through tough times and to hold the space that they are fully capable of facing this challenge without being rescued.

"Fix it" means you are attached to another person's outcome. Support means that you are there in the ways that are healthy for both of you and you respect their abilities, and choice, to find their way through this difficult time, or not.

Yes, it is often difficult to watch someone be in pain. However, when you put that pain into the perspective of: this is the classroom for which they have chosen to learn something really important, you can start to release them to their journey and focus on your own journey.

Often, we watch someone else's pain and focus on their pain to distract us from our own pain. As we allow other's to be where they are and to refocus on ourselves we are loving them, by no longer putting on them that they should be different, and loving ourselves by healing the pain we have that is being triggered by their experience.

For some really great tools check out www.thework.com by Byron Katie. She has some really amazing techniques and all her information is free on the website. There are videos you can watch and worksheets that you can download.

I don't know what religion you are but in Christianity we a taught to love the sinner but hate the sin. Have you told her how you feel about these choices? I would tell her how you feel about these choices. Point out that they are not good choices , as her friend I would feel obligated to try to help her see that her choices aren't positive ones. I couldn't just sit by and let my friend make choices that are morally wrong. And if she continued down that path I wouldn't be able to be friends with someone that did something like that.

ETA: YES Bug!

You can love someone unconditionally and still set boundaries in your relationship with them. If a person is inflicting problems and conflict on themselves, it's okay to give some empathy and then to also give good 'limit' guidance. "Perhaps you should go talk to someone about that." is a good statement when you feel like a friend or relative is wanting/needing more than you can give. If she can't accept that, it's okay to let her figure her own way out. If you think she's going to become depressed because of the results of her previous actions, remind yourself that they were *her* actions, not yours. It IS okay to tell a friend or loved one "you seem like maybe you need some help. Have you talked to your doctor/a counselor about this?"

If she's made a lot of bad decisions in the past, then it's not your job to be a cheerleader. Instead, you can point her in the right direction (counseling, medication for depression, money management help, etc.) and do your best to stay healthy in the relationship. I have a sister who is like this, by the way. I have learned to LOVE unconditionally without indulging her in an unconditional relationship. Those are two separate things. My other rule is never to offer resources unless directly asked for them. (For example, while we helped with some expenses when her husband died, we do not offer to 'do' for her on an everyday basis. This is something she needs to figure out, and we aren't doing her any favors by being a 'band-aid' for a bigger problem.)

you know, just because you are cousins/best friends, doesn't mean you have to continue to move forward in the same relationship. Change in one person can turn life around, & you don't have to move in the same direction.

She has made her choices. Allow her to be the adult she has chosen to be. Do not judge her. Simply move forward in your own chosen path, & perhaps later in life....you may reconnect in a better way.

The easiest way to avoid judging is by moving forward with your own choices. :)

It sounds like you are burned out on her life and how it affects you. I would write down all the reasons why you don't like what she is doing with her life, judge her on paper and then rip it up and set it on fire--let it go. I know its silly, but it works. GL

nothing wrong with taking a step back from someone who is full-blown self-destruct mode. you can be there for her by providing an ear when she needs it, advice if she asks for it (she probably won't) and the space to explore her options without feeling judged or pressured.
but you're not awful for judging her. we all do that. just don't force your judgement onto her.
why is it your job to show her unconditional support? love i can see. but i sure don't think it's my job to prop up endlessly someone who is not working to stabilize herself.
khairete
S.

Everybody judges A.. Either quietly or openly, but they judge. Her issues are hers and you can disassociate. If you can't handle it, then go your separate ways. I have a best friends whos choices were not what I agree with, but I usually get through that by saying......you don't walk in that persons shoes and you will never know what makes people do what they do.

A.:

You are having trouble separating your love for her and disdain over the poor choices she has made. It's only natural. I know that's bad. I know the Bible says "judge not lest ye be judged" however, it is human nature.

And it's human nature to back away from something or someone who is bringing you down. Tell her ow you feel. She is a close friend. Tell her your concerns. Be honest with her. Tell her you love her but you do not like her decisions. No, you will not be adding more to her plate - you will be being the friend she needs right now.

Good luck!

In order to keep myself from judging, I stop thinking of things in terms of "good" and "bad". Those terms are relative and not mine to decide for someone else's life. Another thing that I do is keep in mind that it takes all kinds of experiences to get us to where we're going. Some people can learn a lesson the first time around. Some lessons require emphasis for some people, based on what THEIR lives are supposed to look like. We're not all meant to lead the same life, marry the same guy, use the same mode of transportation. If we were all the exact same person with the exact same needs and desires, then hindsight might allow us to easily know exactly what will/should work in every other life. Since that is not nearly the case, we must work to give people what is truly a universal need--validation. Respect that their journeys are theirs, and get out of their way.

One very simple example that I use is the way that we come into our own in parenthood. When you had your first baby, you probably got advice from every direction. Some of it was stuff that worked for you; some of it was not. You had to figure it out, though, through trial and error and based on your bond and familiarity with your child. You never could have gotten your legs under you and strengthened your confidence to take each next step if someone had been standing over you the whole way, dictating what's "right" and "wrong". Same thing with your baby, as he/she grows and learns. When the baby tries to walk, there will be a few falls, and you can't simply tell them not to fall. They learn that if they step this way or turn around too fast, they could lose their footing. That's not something that you can teach. You can't expect them to know that "HOT" doesn't feel good and to avoid it without ever letting their hands touch it.

We're always that baby, learning what fits and what doesn't. Nobody else can dictate it. Other people can tell us their experiences and offer resources. Ultimately, we have to figure out what is reasonable for our own lives. It's not up to us to assign meaning to someone else's journey.

If you find yourself judging, then you have to distance yourself from her. One of the consequences of her poor choices is her losing contact with decent people. You have to pick your friends based on similar values. It is hard to lose a friendship with a cousin, but she has chosen to push you away by her behavior. Don't take her calls anymore. Call her when you know you only have a few minutes to talk, keep it light, and then say goodbye because you have to go. If she starts to talk about her crappy life, just say that you don't know what to say other than you are sorry. Repeat again and again if you have to but cut her off and offer to talk about something more cheery. At family functions, you can be polite and not bring up anything that would bring judgement. Keep the conversation about kids and grandparents, for example. But do not spend any other time with her. Make excuses about being busy. Then over time, if she asks you what is up, you can just say that you just don't seem to have much in common anymore or something else vague. She doesn't sound like the type that would listen to any advice about getting her act together so I would n't bother.

You are very wise to recognize that she is causing you to become someone you don't want to be.

Yes, as hard as it is, all you can do is share how you feel lovingly about what she does and then leave her alone to learn from the decision. At the end of the day, the only one you can protect is yourself. It is hard to not feel responsible, because you know what effect her decision might have on the image of your family, but it is what it is. I've learned that some things are only a matter of time before it catches up on people. If a person cheats, they are only cheating themselves, and in time it will have a consequence. So try to not let it bother you so much and tell yourself that you do not have to like the decision, it's on her but you will continue to love your cousin because you know her.

Countless times. Take care of you, even if that means distancing yourself if needed. Do not feel guilty. It hurts to watch a loved one destroy herself and even if you were there for her 24/7, you can't protect her from herself.