I Can't Stand Lazy Parenting...

I agree. I think it's funny that the same people who compliment my girls' behavior and manners are the same people who think I am "too strict" because I expect my children to take responsibility for their actions. As an example, we were recently at a friend's 40th birthday party. At the party, many children were present. However, a small group of 5-6 year olds was getting a bit out of hand, my younger daughter included. I pulled her aside, out of earshot of everyone, and told her that if I saw her running through the crowd again (there were infants there, people holding plates of food, a few elderly guests), that I would have her sit out for 10 minutes on a garden bench that was removed from the rest of the party. Well, sure enough, 5 minutes later, she comes tearing through the crowd in hot pursuit of some other kid, and I grabbed her shoulder and gave her "the look." Without a word, she hung her head and went and sat on the bench (in a huff, granted, but she knew I had her dead to rights). Anyhow, the mother of the hellion my daughter had been chasing looked at me and said, "Don't you think you're expecting a bit much? She's only 6, poor little thing." And I'm thinking, is it any wonder your child is a horrid little brat? But I didn't say that. I just raised my eyebrows at her little monster and thought it.

My children gets bruises, jumps on furniture and the like and I do not consider myself a lazy parent. Sometimes I'm exhausted and my kids are highly energetic. They are well fed, bathed, loved, cuddled, we go to the library/park, they know their abc's and letters, basic math and science concepts and they are only 3 and 5 and have not been to preschool. They do chores, help set the table, put dirty dishes in the sink, feed the pets, pull weeds, help sort laundry. If they get bruises and are overly active from rough housing or the like, it doesn't mean the parent is neglectful or lazy in all other areas of parenting. Now obviously, some parents don't teach their children anything that is beneficial to their child to develop social and independent skills, like you said and I do think that is sad. So please don't think all couch jumpers are ignorant, ignored kids :) Aside from that, I AGREE with your judgmental statement. My jaw sometimes drops in shock at certain things...

And YES. I have had a CRAPPY week!! Venting is good :)

**okay, you are right with that, I do not let them behave like monkeys in public or other people's homes and I do teach them about respect and such.. I agree there and I do try and curb their furniture jumping, but those little boogers love to rough house.

Well, it sounds like I'm having a better week then you are ;)

I hear what you're saying

I hear you. I posted on here not too long ago about my SIL on our family vacation letting her 22-month-old daughter have a entire hot dog to eat and us watching her almost choke on it. And letting her climb all over wooden stairs outside, large rocks, and table and chairs on concrete with barely a glance - and this was a little girl who is is not coordinated at all and her mother was sort of complaining about all the boo-boos she had. Mom kept telling her she was going to get hurt but did nothing to actually remove her from the situation or make it safer for her. It made me nutty but some moms on here didn't think it was that big a deal and that I was being "judgy" toward my SIL (Hubby and I only spoke up to her about the hot dog incident). Nobody likes to feel judged, but sometimes one just has to call a spade a spade. I'm not a "helicopter mom" by any means but I'd like to keep my daughter out of the ER if I can possibly help it!

I completely agree with everything you just said!!

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

The trick is to be very upfront and honest about what services you will and won't provide to children in your charge. It is also important to be as businesslike as you can possibly muster. Do you have a mission statement? For instance, "To provide quality care in an educational environment where emphasis is placed on socializing, self-esteem and daily life skills." I would recommend you develop something like a brochure (if you don't already have one) that clearly outlines what service it is you are being paid for. That way you have something in writing, plain and clear, that everyone can refer to when there is some sort of objection.

It is too easy to become lax about the boundaries between client and family in the child-care industry. When it comes to how children behave on your property, you express it as that. "Mary. We've discussed the proper way to behave while at 'school'. There is no jumping off of the furniture here." (or whatever you choose to refer to your daycare as.) That is perfectly within your authority. Questioning a child of daycare age if she's purposely being self-injurious is out of line. To do so in front of the parent seems passive-aggressively insulting.

As for judging. Yes, everyone does it. It is the expression of these judgments that often makes the issue. How you say it, to what purpose, in what environment.... there are so many circumstances that can morph a seemingly casual observation or a piece of constructive criticism into a harsh, judgmental tirade that isn't likely to ever affect any sort of positive change. It is my hope that most people who express judgments are doing so in an attempt to make positive change..... now if we can just get the delivery methods down, we can hope to do just that.

I hope you have a better weekend.

It sounds like you maybe run a daycare? I do and I am exactly the same...I expect the kids to put their shoes by the door, dishes in the sink and TRY to pick up their toys (that one doesn't always work!) I do NOT allow rough play in my home and especially on my furniture...not only did I work too hard to have nice things, but I do not want anyone getting hurt! (and it makes me really mad when people ask "why don't you put that up?" Well, really important and breakable things are put away, but I do live here and should get to enjoy my space...I have a separate space for daycare only, and it's not a bad thing for kids to learn to respect boundaries!)

I am paid to keep kids safe and happy! I have to say, all of my parents appreciate what I teach the kids in my care and love that they learn to clear their own plates, dress themselves, put their shoes/coats where they belong. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents out there that are just too tired to push it at home and find it easier to do it themselves and not address undesirable behavior.

Of course, kids will be kids...they like to screech, fart, say poop all the time (LOL) and just be kids and that's ok! But I get what you are saying...in the time I've done daycare, I have learned to just do what I can w/ the kids while I have em and when their parents get here, I can't worry about what they do when they leave here!

And I've had parents not address behavior right in front of me also...my theory on that, if they are still at my house, I still get to address it, if the parent won't! Kids tend to think I won't say anything cause a parent is standing there! WRONG! W/ me, there is no guessing what I expect...parents know it and kids know it! I don't meant to make it sound like I'm a harsh provider...not in the least...I had a mom tell me yesterday that her daughter was staying w/ me til she was 15! LOL...I LOVE all my kiddos, but w/out boundaries, you have chaos!

What I want to know is WHEN and WHY "judging" suddenly became pejorative.

How do we know what is right or wrong? We judge it to be so.

Now, I'm pretty laid back. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, do whatever you like. I couldn't care less. (And if you are hurting someone, it may well be justified. Justified. Justice. Judged to be the morally correct thing to do in a given situation.)

If, however, someone ASKS me to care... that's a different matter. They are ASKING me to judge their situation and give advice in accordance with either my opinion or my experience. Now... that gives me no right to their situation. My judgement is x, y, z... but I have no right to be offended if they don't take my 2 cents. For that's all it is. My viewpoint concerning the situation presented to me.

What bakes my noodle is when people are asking to be judged or for a situation to be judged, and then disagree with the judgements of others, and get offended and angry with people for doing exactly as they asked. If you're looking for people to weigh in, they're going to weigh in.

You do realize you're ASKING me to judge the situation, yes?

Judging. Judgement. Showing GOOD JUDGEMENT, or bad judgment. Judgement of character. Accurate judgement. Inaccurate judgement. Judging situations, people by their actions/words/intent... this is a foundation of CHARACTER. The clockwork of our moral compasses.

But all of a sudden (or so it seems) "judgement" has become some kind of terrible thing to avoid doing.

Say what???

I'm sorry, but how is a person supposed to know what is right or wrong, smart or regrettable, safe or dangerous; if they aren't judging themselves, others, and situations?

There's a BIG difference between judgment (that word now sounds funny in my head, I've said it too many times) and intolerance. Or arrogance.

It really vexes me when people use the wrong words. It's not a "little judgy". It may be toweringly arrogant, however. Or short sighted. Or bigoted. Or without merit or understanding (aka ignorant). Or it may be dead to rights, with due concern, or informed by experience.

Judgement is NOT A BAD WORD.

((I appear to have joined your vent. Sorry for neither brining martinis nor coffee, depending on time of day and personal inclination))

"Don't judge me."

Why not??? I have no authority of most people. My judgement means nil. Being ASKED not to judge to harshly or quickly I may take under advisement, however. That's a request to avoid speed/ rush to judgement or to temper my thoughts. I may. But "don't judge me" is an oxymoron. I can. I do. I shall. But it doesn't MEAN anything unless I actually hold power over your life. It's reeeeally easy to bestow and rescind power over your life when asking to be judged. Forcibly being judged (like in a court of law), is a different matter. But otherwise, it's just playing Kind Canute to walk around demanding not to be judged. Arrrgh. Vexing.

I dont know if id call that lazy parenting....perhaps clueless. My BF shouts empty threats at her son all day long and wonders why he constantly disobeys and pushes boundaries. Sometimes its easier to step away from the project to have proper insight. Im sure im guilty of doing things that seemed odd to other parents. Im sure we all are.

I think people are hung up on feeling judged because we all want to be right, its our ego playing its hand. Our ego controls many things in our life, being approved of, agreed with and liked is JUST the tip of the iceburgh. Even people who like to stir the pot like people to concede with their way of thinking and sometimes vehemently disagrees with opposing opinions, even though they were solicited.

This too, we can all find examples of in our own life.

I agree too and the weeks been long and im glad its about over:)

I agree with you but will say we let our kids jump on our furniture. To be honest, we can afford new furniture if it gets worn out quickly so it's been worth the trade off to me for how much exercise it gives them. So I've made a conscious decision that it's ok for us. But - I don't let them do it at other people's houses unless they have the same policy as us. I'd try not to let all this get to you though and just be firm with the rules in your house. Kids should get that. So like one person said, when in your house, you can enforce the rules even if the parent is standing there. It'll make you way less upset to just say "no jumping on the furniture in this house." You can always kick certain kids out of your daycare. If you can't afford to do that, then unfortunately, the parents are in control and only solution is to find another job. The only thing you can control are your own choices. Looking at things that way has made things much easier on me. There are things at my job I think are unfair and I'll start to get riled up and then I think "well, if I don't like it then I should quit. What are my other options? Does this job pay the best for the work I do versus others? Yes, so then I take the good with the bad. My boss isn't forcing me to work here." In a way the parents are your bosses... And you're not responsible for making all these kids into model citizens. Just worry about your own kids and do the best you can with your daycare kids but don't put too much on your shoulders.

here's my beef: parents who prefer to "ignore" what's happening. To me, that's the epitome of the lazy parent.

I prefer taking the time to teach the moment, to take the time to teach the proper way to behave (as seen from my eyes, in my home, for the children in my care). To "ignore" bad/unacceptable behavior does not teach anything. The only way a child can behave "better" is to teach or model the acceptable behavior!

Currently, I am caring for a 3yo girl who just simply can't get past the fact that she is NOT the Crown Princess. She feels fully justified in pushing, shoving, hitting, taking away, & even biting to the point that the victim still has red marks & bruising the rest of the week. She's that aggressive.

When I spoke with the parents, OMG, their solution was: "when she is feeling angry because of the other kids' actions, she is to take the toy & go & play all by herself with the toy". OMGOMGOMGOMG!! WTHeck? !!

NO, how about the situation is: she does not want to share anything. This is not a case of the others taking away from her....it's fully her issues. NO, it is NOT okay for her to take the toy & go & hide. OMG.

2 days later, the mom asked if I had any improvements. I said, "well, I understand the dynamics of your method. BUT the issue lies in her unwillingness to share anything. To allow her to take away & go & hide does not create/promote harmony within our group. She has to learn to share to be able to function within our group." I then proceeded to tell her that I would use a combination of our methods to prevent anymore attacks on the other children. Oh, well. & these are very good parents. They simply are out of the loop on a lot of these issues, unable to believe what their child can actually do. :)

Agree. Children 5 and up, understand very well what is expected from them. They understand manners and instructions, even many younger children like yours are able to understand manners, instructions and common sense. It is just a mom's job, a dad's job to teach them. That is parenting, parenting is hard, lots of work if we want to do it right. It is nothing to do with being too "strict", or not loving our children...... It is just doing the right thing. Teaching manners and educate our children is having respect for ourselves and other people.....

I know exactly how you feel! I used to work as a teacher for a pre-k/kinder bible study class. The kids that came to my class on a weekly basis knew exactly what was expected of them. I was firm with the rules, but everyone had lots of fun. We would occasionally have a pair of twins that would come for the class. These kids were raised in this small church (as was their mother and grandmother) and were brought every single Sunday, but as they lived a good distance form the church, they were not able to attend my Wednesday sessions. Even at this young age, they thought they understood a thing or two about nepotism. They would run wild and I would lay down the law. I later found out that their mother would no longer allow them to come to my class because I was "too strict!" Uh, no . . . I just didn't allow her children to disrupt everyone else when they were trying to learn and have fun! This was the one and only complaint that I had ever received in the 6 years that I worked there and the director of the program stood up for me.

I agree with you...we need to teach our children common sense, it is learned. I also correct other people's kids when I see them doing something they shouldn't be doing. I don't care who the child is or where I am at. I care for children and if they are being unsafe then I will stop them and explain they are being unsafe. So keep doing that, but don't stress over others and how they raise their children. Unfortunately, some parents have to learn the hard way and end up paying for it when their kids are teens. I've seen that way too many times. Good luck and God Bless.

I LOVE the expression 'hell's bells'! Reminds me of my dear departed Daddy.

I agree that children age 5 and up should be respectful of others homes & property and are perfectly capable of rinsing their plate and putting in the dishwasher. It is annoying when another child's parent just watches their child throw baseballs in your living room or jumps on your furniture, etc. This has happened at my house as well.
Sometimes though, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. If the child was jumping on the furniture and the mother said nothing, my response would not have been, "What...are you just bent on hurting yourself again? Don't you ever learn?!" or anything like that. It would have been, "Melissa. I have a "NO jumping on the furniture policy" in my house, so please do not jump again." Period. She should have been told that immediately, the first time you saw her do it. Maybe then mom will get the hint...

Thank you Catherine C. Very much.

Thanks for this post- It made me smile! I know some kids/parents like that and when my kids say "but so and so gets to do this" I tell them, "Well, I'm not their mommy, but I am yours and you are not allowed to do that". :) Keep being a great mom and teaching your kids how to behave! You will have so many people thanking you for your well behaved children!
~C.