How So I Get over the Hurt

Updated on March 28, 2007
K.E. asks from Lindsay, OK
8 answers

hi my name is K. and i have 3 step sisters that i have been raised with since i was almost 3 so to me they are my sisters. i am the youngest. our ages are 35, 34,33,32. growing up i was extremely close to one of my sisters she just turned 33 ill turn 33 in june. i have somehow became the one that you go to for help. well my sister that i am the closest to has needed me alot. ive gone so far as to help her get into a apartment which she later lost for not paying the rent. ive given her brand new appliances furniture and anything else she needed. she has 4 children. her oldest daughter i helped to raise. ive almost lost a house over her and etc... reciently she offered to start babysitting my kids. i was like ok. my momwarned me but i thought ok. well the day before she was to watch them she had her oldest child call me after 8pm to tell me she had left with her b/f to texas. no forwarning no explanation nothing. she wouldnt answer her phone or return calls. my mom works where her b/f works and i had gone to see my mom and she asked why i wasnt working i told her. their boss i assume mentioned this to her b/f. now she has disowned me. ignores my children, they dont understand, has turned all blame to me. it is tearing me up since i cant see my nieces and nephews. i cant figure out what i have done other than to drop everything i am doing to go take care of her. ive moved her 3 times gone and gotten her in the middle of the night at 2 am so she wouldnt hitckhike a hr away from me to supposedly see her kids. given her money let go of bills to help her, bought food so she could feed her kids, take her places take my niece to work and all of that. so what have i done so terribly wrong to be disowned by her to the point she stated i am done with you you ar3e no longer my sister, it was not right for you to go to my b./f work and complain. which i never did. i was talkin to my mom and not complaining.i am the only one of the family including her blood relatives that has stood b her while she tore everyone else up

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So What Happened?

my sisters kids are age 17, 13, 8, and 6, the oldest lives with her. she is the one i am closest to she had her when we were both 15 and i helped raise her somewhat. the other 3 live with her x mom in law. her x husband passed with cancer. i see her oldest son occasionally at school since he doesnt go see his mom, not sure why, the other two i only got to see over at her house. now i cant. i seems to dobetter about it until i get a email from her telling me off again and again. i reciently blocked her since it getting me angry and i start to wonder what i did wrong etc.. my b/f told me jokingly that i was banned from her lol. my entire attitude changes after a email from her. so for me even though it hurts not to see the kids. this is better. i have enough drama in my life at the moment with a work injury and being off now for almost 3 mnths with it to add her to it. than yall for your advice.

More Answers

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S.P.

answers from Kansas City on

K.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know that there's ever a direct route out of pain. Thankfully, time does heal.

Your step-sister sounds rather immature and self-indulgent. She's stayed close to you because she needs/uses you, but it doesn't sound like she gives you too much back.

Because of this, I bet she reinitiates the relationship the very next time she needs to be rescued. She obviously is very impulsive and gets herself into scrapes and counts on you to bail her out. The next time she finds herself in trouble, I'm sure she'll be back, and whatever she's mad about will be forgotten for the time-being.

Can't say that I think using is a good basis for a relationship, but on the other hand, she is your sister, you love her, and you love her kids. So, I hope it's sooner rather than later, for your sake.

Good luck, and try to be extra nice to yourself while you wait for this to pass...

1 mom found this helpful
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R.C.

answers from Oklahoma City on

The hurt you are feeling is not your fault, but you do need to realize that if you let her, your sister will do it all again.
The best way to get over the hurt-is to go through it! Time and prayer will heal it and learning to accept forgiveness so you can give forgiveness.
Like someone else advised, find some true friends and learn to give yourself only to those who really give themselves to you. It should be an equal relationship. Not you giving and her taking.
Forgive yourself, let God work in your heart and move on. If she comes back to you, only give as much as is given to you.

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M.O.

answers from Kansas City on

The only thing that I see that you did "wrong" is care too much for your sister. I have a brother that constantly needs help and I have learned that my husband and kids come first and then when they are taken care of I can help others. That means having to say no sometimes. I am sorry to say this but she does not deserve you as a sister.

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D.T.

answers from Tulsa on

The truth is you won't get over it and you probably won't trust her again. While you had a right to speak to your mom candidly about your recent experience, it's not right that you did it at her workplace because you knew he worked there too. He probably got into some trouble and she's retalitating the only way she knows how, withholding what she percieves as love. It's not right to put the kids in the middle but so often parents do it.

So to ease your own mind you should adopt these ideas,

It's never what you say that makes trouble it's how someone elses mind twists it.

So all you can do is
*be honest when speaking
*don't make assumptions
*don't take anything personally
*do the best you can

And when someone gets offended by the truth, well, let them walk away, most users will be back and they hate themselves for it. There's nothing you can do to regain what you have lost. It's better not to dwell on all you did and was never paid back for.

I just recently had the same kind of experience. My cousin who is closer to me than my own sister wanted ideas to help her pre-teen avoid an eating disorder. I really think the girl's boyfriend is at the root of it so I told the mom so and she snapped at me. She thought I was blaming her and told me she didn't want to speak to me again. Her own sister had done the same thing the day before when I posted "an offensive question" in a survey I sent her on MySpace. My mother and sister are also this way. "I will never talk to you again!!!"

But my dear cousin wrote me two days later, my sister and mother start calling and writing emails when they're trying to butter me up for something. Eventually the other cousin will come around to. It hurts terribly but sometimes you just have to accept that they are that way and stop letting it get to you.

P.S. I did all the same things for each of them, lending money, hauling them around, moving them, babysitting for free and money that was never paid. I also lost 2 houses because I wasn't paid for daycare or their share of the "rent" and utilities.

Believe me real friends won't ever treat you that way. Find some and you'll feel so much better.

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C.K.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi K.,
You sound like such a kind, caring person. I would just try not to contact her for a while. I'm sure she will one day realize all that you have done for her and she will want to be forgiven by you. You have to take care of your own family and try not to worry about her so much.

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E.Y.

answers from Topeka on

Unfortunately sometimes in life we find that the adage, "no good deed goes unpunished," is true. I would just say try to talk to her. You've done what you can for this woman. She's an adult and needs to learn to take care of herself and not rely on others to support her. The only thing that will get you over the hurt is time. How old are her kids? Can you see them wihtout her? You might want to try pointing out ot her that they shouldn't miss out on a relationship with you just because she's angry with you.

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B.H.

answers from Kansas City on

K.,

i'm sorry to hear your story. unfortunatly i have a very simaliar one. my sister and i, don't speak anymore. it breaks my heart, but once i realized that my life was a lot leass complicated without her in it, i began to accept it. i don't have contact with two of her three children, but her oldest son who is 19 and in college keeps in touch with me. i know that i can't change her and if she wants to change only she can do it. you must realize the same thing about your sis. sorry it's not better advice and i hope your story has a different ending then mine.

good luck,
B.

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J.E.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I have a cousin I thought I was close to and helped quite a bit. I helped him out when he had nothing to eat, I loaned him money that never got payed back, I helped him and his wife out when he married, and helped take care of their child. The last time I did anything for him I was down on my luck. He swore he would pay me back with interest. It was more important to pay his friends that support his drug habit. We haven't had a decent conversation since.
Your sister has been using you. Does she have a drug problem?
It sounds to me like she was feeling guilty for taking so much from you and she found a haphazard, emotionally irrational cop out to avoid the guilt. Maybe she has a problem, and this is her way of breaking the codependency strings. Let her go, she'll come back to you when she's grown up a bit.

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