How to Handle Nights at Dad's

It is hard isn't it?
Here are the things that help me:
Getting books from the Library and losing myself in reading books.
Going for walks, dancing at home or doing some exercise that you like to do.
Plannign to go to a movie w/ a friend or hang out w/ a friend. something you can look forward to.
good luck!

Hi R.:
The wonderful thing about this site, is you can take what you want from it.I personaly don't concur with the other responses.I was divorced,and shared custody of my two sons.There is no question,that your son would benifit from spending time with his father. Its vidal to his mental health,and well being.however..... I believe It more important for your child to feel secure.He has built a special bond with you. You both have spent the past three years,alone together,and during that time,you have created a home life for him.One, thats not merely familar,but comfortable,and secure. I would think Tossing him back and forth between his dads house and yours,would create a certain amount of confusion for him.While he may enjoy his days with his dad,he also misses you,and what he considers normalcy.(home) Why should you or your son,make sacrifices for a man who only a year ago decided he wanted to be a part of his life? Your son comes first,and you are the only one,who can make sure that his love and need for a secure inviroment,are provided,and protected.Again,R.,I'm not saying that he shouldn't spend time with his father,but three nights away,at four years old,is not only difficult for you,but you can be sure,its hard on him as well.If you don't speak up in court,you and your son will be stuck with this arangement forever.If I were you,I would tell the judge,that three nights a week is to long a period for you and your son to be away from each other. That his father just recently came into his life,and your sons security is there at home with you.Let him know, that you want your son to spend time with his dad,but on every-other weekend,and you will consider letting him go over to visit some weekdays,returning home in the evening. Your a strong woman R....You've taken care of the two of you for 4 years now.Don't be afraid to go in there and speak up on behalf of your son.I wish you and your darlin son the best. J.

Dear R.,

This reminds me of when my father died. I had a very hard time in the evenings and week ends. My husband was working out of town a lot of weeks, so I had to deal with it myself. I tried visiting my family, then decided that I needed to get into a routine of taking care of my house and making a home. I was in my very early 20's then. So I would plan projects to do , make curtains, sew clothing, clean, oh I can't remember what else. It was a very long time ago.

Now, maybe you can use that time to do special things in your home so that you can be free to spend more time with your son when he gets home.

Also, you can make plans about things that you want to do with him . Read books, prepare yourself for another career or study in your own field and be ready to move ahead when the opportunity presents itself. . Take a class, be with friends. I guess taking a class would not fit into the scheduled times that he is with Dad. I don't know. Maybe someone else will be able to help you. I just worked like a dog to get through a very hard time, and finally, after a very long time, I did. C. N.

R. ~ I really don't have much to add to the other comments made, but wanted you to know that like many women, I have gon through this same experience. My youngest was 2 when my ex husband began overnight visits with my girls. It is so difficult. The house seems so big even when at the time we lived in a small apartment. But you should do something for yourself that is not work related. I went to movies and out to dinner with girlfriends. I cleaned my house all the time. That is the time that I cleansed out closets and toy boxes. I went for pedicures, walks in the neighborhood or went to the local high school and ran/walked/jogged the track. You can do some gardening or putting pictures in frames. I tried to make something different at the house so when the girls got home, we could see if they noticed anything different. It was fun for them, because they knew when they came home from their dad's we would have something different at the house. Even if it was just a clean closet or a clean toy box. Also, when they came home, we always had dinner so we could just bond and be together. It was very difficult at first, but many years later, I began to look forward to "my time". Good luck and be sure to reach out to your girl friends, they can be very supporting at difficult times.

I was a single mom for 8 years before I got married again and had a another child. My son's father and I split when my son was just 8 months old. The guilt feelings are very strong for moms, everything you are feeling is completely normal and natural. With time it will get easier and maybe you can work out, hang out with friends, date?, etc. when you do not have your son. If you're really struggling, maybe you can see a therapist.

R.,

It's wonderful that you love your son so much and I understand how difficult that can be. I myself am going through a separation and really miss my kids when they are away from me. My advice would be to just let yourself miss him...there is nothing wrong with missing the people that you love. Think of it as a time to make yourself better for your son when he returns. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself a little, work on a scrapbook or a journal for yourself or your son. Rent a movie, read a book...the key is distraction, but when you find yourself thinking about him, just enjoy the thoughts and let them bring you pleasure instead of pain. It will get easier as time goes on...best of luck to you.

P.

Hi R.!!

I wasan't going to respond because you have some very good advise here, but I decided to anyway..lol. Just my own two cents. I have been dealing with this same situation with my 3 1/2 year old daughter and her father. At first (she was little over a year when the visitations started), I would cry every day when she was gone. The worse part about it was that we lived in the same apartment complex, and it made it very difficult when we ran into each other, and my daughter would expect to be coming home with me, even though she was still visiting her father. Now that we have moved 240 miles away, the time apart isn't as bad. We have been dealing with visitation for about 2 1/2 years now. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I still cry when she leaves for her week visit (She leaves every first saturday of the month for a week), but i know that she is being treated well, and is having fun.

Some things that I did at the beginning was just made myself busy. I'm a full time student, and use the time when she is gone to get some much needed studying in. Also, my Mom and I would go play Bingo. I know that sounds stupid, but for the first 3 hours that my daughter was gone, my mind was distracted. Just try to find something for you. I have come to realize that a lot of parents who don't have to share their children are sometimes envious that I get to have a small break.

Good Luck!!

L.

Dear R.,
I really understand how you feel about missing your son. I know what that feels like. Let me add a few things.
First of all, count your blessings that you can say that your son is safe and having a good time at his dad's house.
As a mom who loves her son beyond description, I sometimes have to put aside my feelings and preferences to examine what is in the Highest Good for my son. Ultimately, my greatest intention for my son is to help him to have a happy and healthy life. If your son's dad is a good father and capable of a healthy relationship with your son, then you son is getting something good.
I worried for a long while about my ex being harmful to my son, and let me tell you, that was horrible. I would never try to deprive my son of being with his dad. I just want the relationship to be a healthy one.
If your son is happy, well, then, isn't that what it's all about? Isn't that what we strive for as moms - to see our children happy? Ultimately, a positive relationship with a dad is a good thing.
Plus, as your little guy gets older, he'll be less of a baby, and more of a big boy, and thing will naturally change a little bit anyway. He'll want to spend time with his friends and do lots of things where he isn't attached to mom at the hip anymore.
I did go through quite an adjustment with time with my son. When he was almost 4, we started a divorce. Up until that point, I'd been the stay at home mom who had never even had a babysitter, ever, and dad was always working and traveling. It was a huge adjustment for me and for my son to start being away from me. In the beginning my son used to scream about having to leave me. It was torture to hear him cry. My heart ached.
I guess one thing to remember is that for parents who are not married, that this is a process of sharing. I tried to come to terms with that early on so as to not make myself crazy over it.
One thing that I would strongly recommend is to cultivate a cooperative relationship with his dad, so as to make visitation arrangements as smooth as possible.
I do so understand you missing your son. I went through a real nightmare with my ex around custody. If you have a good relationship with him and he is a good dad, and your son is having a good time, then just try to focus on the positive aspects of the situation. Things could be so much worse, trust me!
From one mom to another, my heart is with you. How can you not miss that spectacular little person that you have spent so much time with, right? You sound like you are already very busy, but perhaps do something good for yourself on his nights away, so that at least you find the bright side of your alone time. Get a pedicure, read a book, go to a movie, have a Tivo night, sit alone and have your own thoughts, catch up with a friend, take a class, or heck, take a nap!
You'll get used to it. And your son will do just fine, thank goodness!
All the best!
M.

oh - one other tip - is to try to appreciate the positive qualities of what your ex brings to your son, whether that has to do with character qualities, or just things that they do together that you might not do with your son.
And do let your son know that you are happy that he has a good time with his dad.
Don't worry, it will get easier!

Have you considered switching your work schedule to work the nights he's gone (if that's even an option)? Or, what about taking a class on one of those nights and doing homework the other night(s)? A hobby? Lecture series? Movie? A date?

If it were me, I'd treat myself to a wonderful evening out, with friends or alone...dinner and then browsing the bookstore or craft store.

This is your chance to do whatever you want...make the most of it so you can better focus on your son when he's with you!

Good luck!

HI R.~I completely understand how you feel!I am also a single mother who shares custody and have been going through the same thing since my daughter was 10 months old.Before I address this I just wondered how you reached this scheduling arrangement.You have lots of options so you don't have to agree to anyhting you're not comfortable with.I, personally would be really nervous away from my daughter for 2 to 3 nights.Would his dad be open to discussion regarding another arrangement? Maybe one night during the week and one more on the weekend? That way it wouldn't be such a long stretch.Also,since kindergarten is approaching,is his dad going to want to get him ready for school 2 to 3 days in a row?To deal with all the responsibility that comes with scool days? He may decide your son is "better off" with mom during the week! :) Just a thought...Anyway, we have been experimenting with different schedules for years (my daughter is now 7)even though we both signed a "parenting schedule" with a mediator we are flexible because kids change,schedules change,life changes. So,before you sign anything think about what YOU want and what you feel is best for your son as well.As for you,I found that being at home was really depressing and lonely. So I think it is great to take a class of some sort and get out of the house!Maybe yoga or a cooking class.Do something just for yourself that you look forward to:shopping,movies with a friend,or maybe a parent group that meets at night (check out meetup.com).As your son gets a little older it will get easier for some reason.The smaller they are the harder it is probably due to some primal parenting instinct we have!One last thing..after 7 years, I am now seeing a man who is also a single parent so we spend a night away from our kids and although I miss her I do enjoy a "grown-up night" and eventually you will too! Hang in there!

I can totally relate to your sense of loss when your child is with his father. I have joint custody of our two children with my Ex. In the beginning, it was so very difficult to be away from my children. I try to keep myself busy with evening plans after work. Make plans to see your friends and family members when your child is away from you. Go see a movie, take a class, read a good book, go shopping or be a couch potato and watch your favorite t.v shows. I know these things don't replace that empty feeling, but they help to get through the day (and night) without constantly thinking about your child. Time is the only thing that helps get through the emotional pain and it will subside. I hope this helps.

First let me congratulate you on having the courage to do one of the hardest things imaginable, letting your son spend time seperate from you. I have experienced this but my was due to a divorce. My stress was due to not trusting my ex to be a parent. Try not to feel guilty about not being with your son. He will start to feel it and think there is something wrong each time he visits his dad. He will not want to go because it will hurt mommy. Try to think of this as ME time. Pick up a new hobby or resume one you had before your son. I went out dancing with friends which I hadn't done in 4 years. Just remeber that this is good for him and for you. It will help you be a better person because you get to have time for you. Your son will feel your glow and be happier around you because your happy and less stressed.

R.,Of course you miss your little one. This means you are good Mom. Why not try this:
Deliberately set up a plan to have your own life when he isn't there. This will set a wonderful example for him.
Set up social events/outings with friends. Plan this ahead of time. Go the library and find books and tapes to read and listen to. Look at the "new book" section and keep up on current trends and ideas.
Sew or knit special projects.
What ever you do, plan it ahead of time and then talk about it with you little one.
You must be a strong example for you child and he will like your new activities.
Good luck,
B.

hi rhonda,

it's our nature to nuture . . . lol. when our little ones leave we are going to feel the empty nest syndrome as us older moms feel when our older childre set out on their own. usually the husbands/partner help with that. you being a single mom, need to have other ways to deal with baby being away. so try and do some of the reponses here.

You are going to have to find something to do for YOU... sign up for a class or go exercise - you probably don't have the time at all to exercise, and that would make you feel good in and of itself. Find a good yoga class or spin class, sign up at the YMCA or something. Your son needs his dad, and it won't hurt for you to have some time for yourself (do you know how many moms would LOVE just one hour to themselves!!!) Find yourself again - I know you can do it!

looks like you have gotten some good advice.
just wanted to tell you again that you arent alone. i had this problem when my children would go to their dads. holidays were the worst for me. as a mother we are used to providing for our children, not to sound bad but used to being in control. it was worse for me because their was a step parent in the situation right away. someone i didnt know anything about and that my ex didnt know for long either. i learned that i had to let go a little. beleive that they were okay and try to think of other things when they were away. this wasnt easy but it gets better with time. like others said i would do things for me. eventually started dating and when i got remarried my husband and i were able to spend time alone when they were gone. then when they were home we were able to devote more time to them.
as far as the custody agreement you need to make sure that it is best for everyone. my kids were a little older when all this happened and i felt it was too much for them to go except for weekends. and they only visited 2 long weekends a month. you need to stay postive and consitant for your child. it is all about the little people a smart lady once told me. good luck.

Hello Rhonda, My name is A.. I deal with some of the same issues. It is going to really hard in the begining. I have a five year old daughter and she stays with her dad every other weekend and now twice a week. It is really hard. I use to cry when she would leave and feel all alone. You just need to find some good girl friends and when you son goes with his father just try to make it a girl night. You just need to keep you mind off it. Just try to stay positive about it. You could look at it as your time for you self. You will get throught it! It will get better.
A.

I'm not sure if you're dating anyone, but when my kids went to their Dad's, that's the night I used for dating. I know it sounds weird to some people, but I went on Match.com and eventually found my husband now. Going online and searching helped give me something productive to do and led to me finding my husband now. My brother also met his wife on there. You could go to the gym while he is gone, or plan a girls night or something. Good luck!

Hi R.,
I'm in the reverse situation. We have my partner's 6 year old son half of the week, the other half he is with his birth mom (we started this arrangement at age 4). We make a point of always calling my step son's mom once a day (usually in the eve) so they can check in, say hi, talk about what they did that day, etc. The same thing happens when our little boy is with his birth mom (but usually we call them in the afternoon).

This arrangement has created continuity for our step-son as well as us. Sometimes the conversation is short, but sometimes it's longer.

Best of luck and hang in there!
L.

I suggest that when you have quiet alone time without your son, that you write him letters. You can pour your heart out about your love for him. You can keep the letters for when he is old enough to read them himself, or you can read them out loud to him when he returns. Keep the letters in any event, in a box or a keepsake book that he can have forever. They can be mundane or profound. Tell him about your day, things you did while he was away, things you thought about... tell him stories from your own childhood. Build a treasure trove of stories that he can read over and over again as he grows up.

Bless you for being such a beautiful mother!

Hello,
Boy do I know what you are going through. I separated from my husband when my son had just turned 3. And let me tell you that since then i've remarried and my son, now 6, spends every other weekend with his dad. I Still cry after he leaves to this day from time to time. It's hard being away from him. But i can tell you that the best way to cope is by talking about your feelings with someone you trust. Even if you find yourself talking about it over and over again. and also make sure you remind yourself that he is having a good time and what i do is simply to put myself in my son's shoes and i think that if i were him i'd be very happy to spend time with my dad. I hope this helps.

Rhonda,

Your little boy is lucky to have a loving and caring Mom like you. I am surprised that visits at Dad's lasts for long periods at 4 years old. It is a blessing that Dad is in his life too.

I have 2 boys that love their Dad to pieces. They do "boy" things, like fish, Cub Scouts and
Sports. My Dad died at an early age and Mom never dated or remarried. She did not know what to do with my brother. He did not have a male role model, except for an occasional Uncle. He has grown up a wonderful Dad and makes time for his children.
As long as your EX is with your child and not getting a babysitter to go out, he is doing just fine.

You should join a gym, seek girlfriends, connect with your own Mom, Be involved in a hobby you love... Maybe it's joining a bicycle club or pottery class. (great way to meet people)

Your Son needs to know that Mom is OKAY while he is gone. Although it may be lonely and hard to adjust... the bond between boys and their Mommy's are forever.

Blessings to you,
M.

Okay, I read all the other posts and I have to say this...I go to mediation on the 12th. Have you guys done that and come up with a plan that best suits your sons needs? Did you take the PACT class?

There was a great doctor who said some amazing things about custody...age and development are very important to the decisions you and your ex- choose.

My son is only two and I only lived with his dad until he was two months old. It's always been me and him, and while I desperately want he and his dad to be bonded and best buddies, we have to make strong sound choices that suit our son.
At this stage, we are in the middle of potty training and big boy bed transition from co-sleeping...lot of work for the little guy and consistency is key!

If your son is thriving in the situation, just allow him his Dad time. If you notice he may not be doing well then, take a stand in court and ask for a mediation date and family therapy. You have options!!! The agreement should be something you both can live with...

When I went through this, I would go to sleep the minute they left and would only get out of bed to eat a little, go to the bathroom, and finally to pick them up. I finally did as some of the ladies suggested and began getting out. If you have friends you can spend time with it makes it easier since you'll have someone to support you. (I had just move to LA Area so I didn't have anyone, but once I began making friends, it got easier because then I knew to schedule time around my children's viistation for myself and my friends. Eventually this lead to dating again.) It will hurt for a long time, maybe always, but all you can do is stay healthy and happy for them.

R.,

Is there a counselor in the picture? Your son needs a place that he can voice any problems without if affecting a parent. Are you sharing only physical custody or are you going to also share in the decisions? I can't remember what that custody term is. I would not share in the decisions in court papers.

As for your situation, I shared custody time with my children's father very similar to what you are describing. I worked when they were with their father and I also volunteered with children at my church and school. I needed to be with children. I have a great love for my children and the only way I could stay sane was to also let that love flow to so many children that in some cases they didn't have people being kind to them. Look in your community and see if there is a place that might help you.

The courts look kindly at shared custody but if you have any problems with it you should ask for a continuance until your son can get situated with a counselor. At this age it is mainly just building up a relationship (usually they are just playing and drawing while there is a little talk) that they can feel comfortable with. Basically it is speak now or forever hold your peace so if you need mediation or changes to the amount of time, now is the time to say it. Although you need to remember that anything you say may anger your son's dad and make the situation worse.

FYI: My children's father wanted shared custody only after he found out how much he would have to pay in child support. It was not an easy situation but the money was a catalyst for him to build a relationship with his children. It was a win for my children even though very difficult for me.

Hang in there,

Evelyn

R., after you get over the feeling that your missing your arm as if a limb had been suddenly removed you will gradually value the time for yourself... It's not easy to get used to, I would cry all the way home after meeting at the drop off.

The healthy way to work towards this is to say to yourself and you have, My Son is fine, happy and content at his father's ( And believe me its a great thing that he is !!)
AND make a plan to pamper yourself Mom without guilt...you said your working two jobs..how about a long bath...window shopping..or getting your toes done???
Go take yourself to a movie....You are raising a well adjusted young man that would be heartbroken and full of guilt if he grew to learn that mom cried and suffered the whole time he was at dads....
Do not feel guilty for doing something special for YOU when he is a t Dads..YOU deserve it!!!
Tootles

hi...i've never been through this but it seems to me that you could use a pet!!!!.....a small dog, or cat,or better yet: a parrot or other small bird that you can teach to talk..i get so much enjoyment from my bird, and all he says is hello (like a dozen different ways lol), and he whistles alot of different things.....just a suggestion...good luck...

This is all about you. It has nothing to do with your son and his dad. Only you can alter your attitude. Just do it! Go out to dinner with friends, do projects around the house, get some cleaning done, rent a movie. Write letters to elderly family members. Volunteer. Get a gym membership. Join a book club. Take an adult ed class, a craft class, a dancing class. Take up a hobby - knitting, sewing, needlepoint, scrap booking. Find a way to either have fun or keep busy while he is with his dad. Whatever you do, show no sign of your feeling about this to your son. Good luck!

Hello,
I am of the firm belief that moms are more important than dads. Moms are the nurturing force in the family and dads are really more providers. Maybe the reason you feel so bad is because in your heart it isnt the right arrangement. Maybe this liberal california joint custody arrangement isnt best. It might be better for dad to just have some visitation so you can have time to nurture your young child. It is just mothers instinct not to leave their children.

Time to re-establish the girlfriends you have, talk to them let them know you need some help getting over the baby blues, your a single mom maybe its time to start dating again. Go to a happy hour once in a while a movie, just to have some adult fum. I have to say do you know how many single moms out there who would die to have a night for them selfs. 1,000,000,00 of them. How about joining a gym for exercise.. He does need dad for sure, your just lonely.

Be creative..

Dear R.,

I've been there and done that and its an awful feeling. If you don't change your attitude, your son will sense it. Since he is your primary concern, why not use the time to plan great times when he is home. Take lots of pictures. They grow up so very fast. Their father and I agreed to do double photos so we each got a set of pictures each time one of us took them. That way your son can tell you all about his time with his dad. Check out books from the library to have ready to read to him when he gets home. Prepare an area where the two of you can do arts & crafts to protect the carpets, funiture, and walls. Consider taking a night class on one of those nights and then study on the other night. Since his father is now getting joint custody, your child support may disappear and if you're making more then he, you'll be paying him! You might do what I did and start a business I could work around my children's schedule, that on paper looks unprofitable. Now I could afford paying child support payments and save for their educations and still have enough left to take them out for dinner or to an amusement park and have real vacations.
My sons are all grow now. During those years I got envolved with a multitude of businesses. A lot of them were difficult but a few I made pretty good money. What I found that I do best is helping others reach the goals. My specialty is helping SAHM, stay home, and bring working moms home too. If you would like to learn about what I do as a business owner, go to:
http://www.EarnASecondIncome.com

Learn how to fill your empty nest. ~ F.

PS My hubby and I lost 31* pounds in 28 days and I lost 10* inches off my waist with an exclusive, scientificly proven product you can get anywhere else but through my business. *your results may vary. How are we doing it? Go to:

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