How to Make All 4 Feel Equally Loved!

I have three boys and a girl. One piece of advice: do not EVER let the boys hear you say you were "longing" for a girl or anything of the sort. It makes them feel like they were "practice runs" or something. I was also very careful to correct people when they assumed we just kept trying until we "got" a girl. Each child needs to feel wanted and loved on their own terms. Those boys will be your greatest allies when she enters her teen years, and you are going to need them, believe me.
I never allowed my kids to say they hated each other, I helped them find better ways to express their feelings of disappointment or jealousy. They were allowed to criticize behavior, not people, that's how I framed it. Many an afternoon was spent making them say nice things to each other and policing how they treated one another, and they also understand that it hurts me to see them be hurtful to each other.

She's the baby of the family - and it's compounded by your feeling sorry for her.
Do you really feel this is the best way to help her grow?
Is caving in to her and sleeping with her for her benefit or for yours?
I think exploring this with a counselor would help you balance yourself better between your kids.

She's not disabled - she's differently abled - and she needs to learn some independence.
Start by getting her into her own room in her own bed.
Hearing the word 'no' ever so often is good for every kid.
The world isn't going to give her everything she wants - you need to help her get use to this concept because if she makes it to 18 yrs old and then finds out - it's going to be so much worse.
You need to work on your bond with your boys.
You are the only parent they have - and boys especially feel the loss of a dad - and they've lost you to their sister too.
They deserve some of your pity.

I think most kids feel that the youngest gets all the attention, and that may be more so in your case because your daughter has a disability. And perhaps you have subconsciously (or others have) pushed your boys to "be the man of the house" since your husband's death - which people mean as a compliment but it gives children an adult job and says there's no time to nurture them as much now.

I so desperately wanted a daughter and just assumed I was having one (lotta girls in the family), so imagine my surprise when I found out I was having a boy. I think you're going to have to do what I had to do - truly examine why your daughter is what you "longed for" after 3 boys. Doesn't that tell you that, somehow, they weren't enough for you? Their maleness didn't fulfill something in you - and that tells them they are not equivalent. You can keep stating that you love them all the same, but either you don't quite or there's something in you that those boys know they can never satisfy. That's got to feel awful to them.

We need to ask ourselves why we pigeon hole our kids by gender, why we use terms like "girly girl" or "mommy's girl" (or, "it's a guy thing" or "boys will be boys"), why we repeat those sexist mantras of "sugar & spice & everything nice" only for girls, and so on.

Please get some counseling for yourself. You have had a terrible loss in your husband, and you've lost a part of your boys.

And do ask why you "cave" in to your daughter's tantrums, and why your boys' needs don't matter as much. Maybe one of the reasons she has a hard time with change is that you don't require it of her. It's really okay for a child to be frustrated and to learn to deal with it. It's okay to cry and be ticked off and learn that the world continues. You're handicapping her more by allowing her to get her way all the time and not learn patience, and you're teaching your boys (totally unwittingly, I am sure) that men's emotional needs aren't as important as those of women. Don't do that. You're teaching them how to treat women by building resentment and squashing their feelings. I know you don't mean to, but that's the result. You give in to your daughter because it makes YOU feel better, not because it's really better for her. She needs to be left alone sometimes, she needs to be forced to deal with frustration, and she absolutely needs to sleep on her own and not on you.

Your sons have given you a great gift by telling your sister how they feel. You made a start by talking to all 3 boys. You started to devote time to them. So why, please, won't you continue by proving to them that you mean what you say? Get a sitter, trade with a friend, anything, so you can do age appropriate things with each child, including splitting the twins up sometimes and not always doing stuff with all 3 boys together. Don't make them into rebellious teens who look elsewhere for acceptance or ways to numb their pain - that's a terrible road to go down.

Stop caving to your daughter. That doesn't help anyone involved, including her. Nurture your boys more and empower your daughter more.

I have 4 kids and I worked full time so I know its hard to balance everything. I spent a lot of time on my only son because he was sick when he was a little guy. But I always made plenty of time for the other 3. When possible I use to only take 1 child when I ran errands so that we'd get that one on one time talking in the car.

You need to wean that 4 yr old and stop treating her like a helpless baby. You aren't doing her any favors by catering to her all the time. She's going to have a harder time in the world because of her vision issues. You need to turn her into a strong girl who can stick up for herself and do things. That way she can evolve into a strong woman who will rule the world because she's powerful in her own skin not someone who depends on everyone else.

It broke your heart to hear how the boys feel because the truth hurts. They have been playing second fiddle to this little dictator for 4 yrs. The time is right now to reset all this. Not in a couple weeks when you decide to wean the 4 yr old. NOW.

Start off by sitting down with all the kids and telling them that you are sorry for not taking the time to support them all. Tell them that sometimes grown ups make mistakes and they don't see it until someone points it out to them. Now that they've pointed out your mistake of not spending as muck time and attention with them you will work to correct that.

Take the boys out one at a time do do something special. If you can arrange child care once a week make a date night where you go out with only 1 of your sons and have a meal or do something fun that they want to do. Even if its only out to ice cream or sitting in a coffee shop playing tic tac toe its just the two of you spending time and talking. The next week take another son and just rotate between the 3 of them

Will your daughter throw a fit? Yes. Well you feel bad about leaving her? Yes. Will she calm down at some point and survive being left home? Yes. You created this whole thing. Stop it now before it does further damage to your boys.Once you aren't around she's going to need her brothers and if they resent her from their childhood they aren't going to step up and be her friend as adults.

Unfortunately your twins are not "littles" or "babies". The preteen world of pressure / drinking / smoking and pushing you away in favor of their friends is right around the corner. I suggest you double down on spending time with them NOW, one on one and together.

Your 7-year-old still needs plenty of nuturing and time with mom too.

Pay for a babysitter. Kowtowing to your daughter because of her blindness will socially "disable" her in many ways.

Well, I am the youngest, and all my older siblings said this about me ... and my kids said this about their younger siblings ... and I thought this was quite common with younger siblings at some point.

Hate may be a strong word, but having some jealousy is pretty common.

I think you want to be careful they don't resent her and act out towards her - some do.

I'm not saying anything nasty, but may harbor resentment.

I would just have your sister (did you say?) stay with your daughter and do more one on one stuff with your boys, one on one or with them together. We do that. That's important regardless when you have a big family - regardless if it's boys, girls, twins, etc.

helping your daughter be more independent will not 'giving up the bond.'

spending some desperately needed one on one time with each boy will not be 'abandoning' her.

she may, of course, feel that way because she's had the princess seat her whole life.

but you did good by listening to your sister, and then again by giving your boys a chance to be honest with you (and i'm hoping that's what it actually was, not 'confronting' them however gently.)

so now you know. and now you have a chance to fix it.

it's mostly about making sure your boys DO know they are valued individually, and in your shoes i'd be super grateful that i was given the opportunity to do so. but it's also about empowering your daughter. her disability doesn't have to make her weak and dependent- but coddling her and caving to her will.

empower your daughter.

nurture your sons.

good luck!
khairete
S.

Yes, I and my daughter have. I adopted my daughter. She had special needs. My daughter has 2, maybe the 2 yo is too on the autism spectrum. The oldest has been in special ed classroom. He has developmental delays and sensory difficulties as well as speech apraxia. Which means he has extreme difficulty forming sounds. He still has difficulty talking so he can be understood.

His older sister resented the amount of time their mother spent with him. A specialist coached her mother on ways to do more with her. I often watched my grandson while they were together.

The 7yo , with Asperger's .has an an aid who comes to their home. She teaches social skills, craft's and activities as a part of learning school lessons.
Her younger sister age 4 is jealous of the time her sister works with the aid. The aid juggles her time so the 4 yo also gets attention

I suggest you're over protective of you 4 yo. By 4 she should be sleeping in her own bed and able to entertain herself while you pay attention to the boys. Even while nearly blind their are ways to teach her how to be less dependent.

Have you had her evaluated by the school district? Federal law requires school districts to evaluate and provide treatment so the child can bsuccessful in school. She can learn how to do things that will help her be more independent. It's this program who helped my grandson have success.

I have also wanted a daughter. That's why I adopted. I was single and she was my only child. So I could "spoil" her. I enjoyed cuddling. We slept together because that was the only way I could get some sleep. She was afraid to be alone. I missed the cuddling when she was secure enough to use her own bed.

I knew it was important for her to be more self sufficiant. Still it was hard for me to let go.

I suggest talking with a therapist might help you have more balanced relationship with your children. I especially recommend that your daughter have professional help to be successful in school and with her life as she grows up. Teens are needing a level of independence by the teen years so they will mature into adulthood.

First, I hope you stop mentally flogging yourself. You sound like a great mom. None of us is perfect. The good thing is your sons said something so now you can help fix it while they are still young.
I'm sorry about your husband. That also it difficult to get away w1 child at a time.
I would do this for right now...try spending some one on one time w/each of your children starting with your boys & do it inside the house so you don't have to get a sitter. Start w/that, later get a sitter & take each one out individually.
Rent the boys' favorite movie, make popcorn & watch it with them.
Ride scooters w/them in the backyard.
When it's hot, have a water balloon toss outside. Make up an obstacle course the 3 of them can do.
Keep talking to your sons about how great they are & how much you love them.
Don't stop telling them....they'll eventually know it is true.
Your daughter did have a rough go of it from birth but it sounds like she is better & you can create some separation to give her independence as she will need it later in life.
Start doing the one on one time today...in the house....get their favorite snacks & give each one of theirs today (all 4 of them).
Play board games with them. Let your daughter play too. If she complains tell her "this is what I'm doing now, I will play w/you later if you don't want to play with us all now".

So concentrate on your boys, include your daughter most of the time but create some fun times alone w/them, too.
Keep talking about how much you love them all. Give hugs, kisses, special moments one-on-one.
Added: do these things now even if your daughter balks. She needs to get used to it & become independent and your boys need this right now! They need your time and attention to feel loved equally. Start today....not tomorrow.
Right now. Best wishes.
I like what someone said about taking 1 of them at a time to the store with you if you have a babysitter for the others. NOt sure if you do.

That's hard. Your boys have been feeling left out all this time and like you give their sister more attention...which is true...you have been doing that. Just start working with your daughter to be more of a big girl and do more things for herself. She needs to learn this stuff anyway! She needs to start being more independent...sign her up for a class/activity and have her go to friend's houses for play time. Spend more one on one time with each of your sons. Keep talking to them about it and how much you value them. Once a month have a mom-kid date night where a babysitter or family member watches 3 of them while you take one out. Rotate so all kids get to do this. If your daughter has a fit do not give in! Let her have her fit...tell her you love her and will see her when you get back. Then she will learn she doesn't get her way when she has fits!! You can't treat her like a baby forever. If you do you will stunt her in life. Read to all 4 of them together each night. Tuck them all in...don't leave your sons out. My daughter had a really hard time going to bed by herself at age 4...she was also pretty clingy at that age. It was hard but with time and working on it she got better at it. Work hard to be more equal in how you treat all 4 kids. As your daughter gets older she will get less clingy and more independent...encourage this. She needs to build up her confidence in herself so she knows she doesn't need mom all the time. To do this you have to be strong and not always give in! And your boys need special time with you. You sound like a great mom! It's hard with 4 kids...the days are only so long!!

I scheduled time with each child alone with me each week. Even if all we did was go to the grocery store, it was time with them alone. They loved it!
If your youngest balks, remind her that it’s “so and so’s turn” and she will get her turn on “Tuesday”. Then walk out. This will make your older boys feel valued and it will let your youngest know that she needs to take turns and that she doesn’t rule the roost.

As they get older, they will have different needs at different times. A wise mother of 5 once told me that you give to the one who needs the most at the time. I met her when her 2nd youngest needed homeschooling. She was pretty much at her wits end, but muddled through because he needed her then. Her children are now all grown, happy, healthy, and productive members of society.

Get a standing babysitter once a week (every Sunday morning or something like that). Set up a rotation of the kids and take each of them for a one-on-one date while the other 3 stay home with the sitter. That way you’ll get individual time with each of them once a month. Don’t cancel for any reason - make this a priority.

Please stop giving in to your 4year old when she tantrums. You’re creating a big problem by rewarding her for misbehavior and she’s not a toddler anymore.