DS (9 yo) got a new toy at the store like starwars squinkies only $4
he let DD (7 yo) play with them,
one went missing, Ds said mom I think she took it. DD denies but she very often lies to avoild punishment, like i'll ask her to put her laundry away and she will hide it behind her stuffed animals. when i ask if she did it she says yes,
i believed her this time and assumed the cat was playing iwth it. DD was distraught and bugged me all afternoon ( i was busy doing 2 huge projects for monday and getting ready for date night) i told him to look, suggested to sister sthat she help him look
Ds crying about it at breakfast, I help him look when we get home, and we tear apart the couch DD says she set it on when she was done with it.
It's not there, I confront DD she swears she has no idea that she set it one the couch. i blame the cat DS gets busy with a book and sort of accepts it. we talked about it turning up,
bedtime I put DD to bed, go in to kiss Ds goodnight and he tells me DD confessed to him that she broke the toy and hid it and can't remember where she hid it.
I get Her out of bed ( she wasn't asleep yet) and tell her she has 10 mins to find it and give it to me ( idle threat : or she isn't going to bed tonight-- yeah that was lame on my part but it came out with out me thinking)
she messed by the couch we checked, DH is watching and has a small clue but he was busy today and didn't pay much attention to this drama, although he did see me confront dd earlier,
I told her again that if she didn't find it she would be in big trouble, and that I checked this whole room the couch she was looking at AND we swept under the love seat. she goes over to our love seat lifts a cushion and pulls out the broken toy. still insisting she didnt know it was there,
I told her she had to go up and apologize to her brother, and I have to hand it to my son, he was so glad to have it back, where did you find it Thank you so much, that little poop didnt apologize and admit she hid it until i meanly told her she had better apologize right NOW and get to bed. she starts screaming and boo hooing, and runs to her room, DH storms up the steps to see what is wrong. i don't think theh kids heard but he was yelling at me for saying i had already checked the couch cushions, ----- what is the point of that? she hid it she lied, I CHECKED UNDER the couch, SHe found it and then didn think she needed to apologize, or show remorse.
I tucked her in, and she cried for another minute,
and i haven't checked but i'm sure if she was awake she would be calling for one of us at this point.
DH gave me another dressing down for "beating a dead Horse" by making her apologize. uhhhh??
as i'm typing this im' wondering if he is upset we interuppted his ftball game?
Did I over react?? I admit i probably should have gone back and talked to her calmly after she stopped crying, but Dh was expressing his opinion at that time and i was a bit upset.
Any advice on how to get her to stop lying?? I feel ike i have to follow her around everytime i ask her to do her chores, and to be honestly i get distracted and that is when she takes advantage of the opportunity. I talk to her about doing the right thing almost every time, but it isnt' working, and I still can't figure out what works for her as punishment, DS is so easy, I take away his legos and he gets it, she doesn't seem phased at all by my taking anythign away.
so a vent but please give me sympathy or suggestions as warrented.
My #1 house rule has *always* been:
No Lying. If you tell the truth you will NOT get in trouble!
This has served me well. It as been sometimes difficult to stick with the 'you will not get in trouble part' but I have and in doing so I have a very good line of open communication with ALL the kids/nephews in my life!!
I totally understand where you are coming from.
In our house, we try to encourage "taking responsibility." We stress that if you take responsibility for your mistakes, the other person won't get mad and you will not be punished. You only get punished when you fail to take responsibility, or "make it right."
What you could do the next time something like this happens, (when you're both rested) is first praise her for finally telling the truth. Let her know that you understand it was hard for her to come forward and tell the truth. This encourages her to tell the truth more often. She DID come clean!
Then, instead of punishing her, put yourself on her "side" and say "Okay, well I understand you broke the Squinky and you were scared to say something. I can relate to that. Let's find a solution and I will help you. Right now your brother is very sad because his toy is missing. Can you see how that would make him sad? How do you think you can make it up to him?"
Then, let her come up with her own ideas. It's funny, but kids will sometimes go overboard trying to make it right! When my daughter does something wrong and I ask her how she's going to make it right, she often comes up with far worse things than I would suggest--like doing the laundry for a month! I usually tell her that it's not necessary though :)
By focusing on "making it right" you are teaching your daughter to become responsible for her mistakes. You're also letting her know that she doesn't need to lie, there are better solutions. And finally you're teaching her that no matter what you do, there is ALWAYS a way to fix it, and that your family will continue to love you no matter what.
My daughter stopped lying very quickly once she realized that all she needed to do was apologize to a person, and maybe do something to fix the problem. I think this will help her keep good relationships in life.
Good luck!
Here's how you raise her right: you and your family have FUN. Play, laugh, love. Get out a board game or something. I'm exhausted just reading your post.
It's just a toy. A freakin' $4 squinkie, and HOURS were wasted over this? Who cares if she "lied" about something this dumb. This is WAY too much fuss and time wasted over a stupid plastic toy. Things get lost, things get broken. Tell DS, "I don't know where your toy is. Ask your sister." If she can't find it tell him to play with something else.
Life is too short. Don't waste time on stuff like this. When your kids are grown, you will realize how minuscule all this is. Everyone should learn not to get too attached to "stuff."
Here's a mantra for you and your kids: "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's ALL small stuff." I regret every second I ever spent fretting over a toy.
Now let this silly issue go, go and find your daughter, give her a big hug and kiss, and play a game with her and your son.
Use every moment as a teaching moment, not always a discipline moment. You are creating fear in her and in fact forcing her to lie to avoid the consequences. Who wants to be reprimanded as a human being? So make the environment one of teaching and communication so that she feels secured enough to do what you tell her without feeling like everything for her is a punishment. Some things should just be teaching the child HOW to be organized, how to control selfish desires, how to be responsible rather than expecting, then punishing when a task isnt done. Dont label her a liar just yet until you stop making her afraid to tell the truth.
Lots of excellent discipline advice right here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior
The lying does have to stop. You can't force a child to actually be sorry though, an empty apology doesn't mean anything, but getting her to still do it is important. Teach her to appreciate her brother and to actually have sympathy for hurting his feelings. She needs to make it up to him somehow, like make his bed the next morning.
11 ways to raise a truthful child:
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior/m...
5 reasons kids lie and what to do about it:
http://www.askdrsears.com/?q=topics/discipline-behavior/m...
That "little poop" is your daughter.
You want to raise her right?
Stop comparing her to your "perfect" son, and start spending some quality time with her.
Sorry but ALL kids lie to stay of trouble, and many kids lie just to get your attention.
What kind of relationship do you have? What do you share , and do together? How do the two of you bond and connect?
Focus on THAT and the lying and deception will stop.
I am guilty of this too, but we have to give our attention to our little ones while they are still little ones. That's when we teach... and then when they're older they will not need us to keep "punishing" them or getting annoyed with them. I think kids learn from what they are emotionally connected to, and what they respect. We have to spend time with our kids, we have to take our time with them, and teach them every little thing. Maybe you have been too busy to teach her, and you are frustrated with her for not learning the lesson that was never really taught. Maybe she's a very intelligent little girl, and she needs to understand why she is or is not supposed to do certain things before she follows what you say blindly. You will love that about her when she's a teenager and her friends are pressuring her to do drugs :)
Sorry, but your husband is completely wrong. She lied repeatedly about it and didn't think she needed to apologize for breaking it? That should not be allowed. She needed to apologize and now needs a consequence for breaking the toy and lying about it. I'd make her do extra chores to pay off the cost of the toy (even if the toy is cheap) or make her do her brother's chore(s) since it was his toy she broke. Lying is not acceptable in my house. Your husband needs to get on board with taking care of that problem now while she is young. It will get much worse when she gets older!
It sounds like she needs some perspective and some scale. She needs to understand that accidentally breaking a $4 toy is not the end of the world. But that lying is a serious offense. If all infractions are equal - if there's no distinction between, say, an overdue library book and grand larceny - then wouldn't you lie too? Can you praise her for confessing? Can you offer an "amnesty" where anyone who confesses to X within the next 20 minutes doesn't get in trouble at all? Really, she needs to build some positive associations with acknowledging minor mistakes. You've got too many sticks and not enough carrots going on.
And your son, it sounds like he could stand to learn that cheap little $4 toys do get lost and break, and sometimes the best thing is just to let it go, see if it turns up, and move onto something else. You don't want to get his happiness too wrapped up in possessions.
SOAP.
We use a BAR of soap when they lie or say horrible things, like cuss words, etc. Anything REALLY bad that comes out of their mouths, we need to clean it, so we use soap.
Guess how many times my oldest son stuck his tongue out at me? Twice. Once was a warning. The second was soap. He's 10 now. He was 3 then.
My 4 year old DD hit me repeatedly while screaming at me and then told me that she was not trying to hurt me. SOAP. Guess whose never hit Mommy again???? Guess who doesn't lie anymore????
Kids will most definitely lie to avoid being punished. First of all, it's a team effort. You and your husband both have to teach her right from wrong. Advise her that lying just makes it 10 times worse. I would just make a point every day or maybe every week to sit down as a family and talk out any problems anybody is having and just let them know that lying won't be tolerated and if it continues to happen, things will be taken away (ex: tv time, computer time, toys, etc.) Not sure if it will help, but hey it couldn't hurt.
As for getting her up after putting her down for bed? I don't know. I'm not an expert but in my opinion, I wouldn't have gotten her up. I would have told your son that you were going to get his sister up early the next morning to find the toy. When you try punishing late at night before bed, you are tired because you have watched the kids all day so your fuse is shortened and then the kids are tired so they don't want to cooperate.
Good luck!
One thing that REALLY bothered me as a child was to think that my parents didn't trust me. I would do ANYTHING to show them that they could.
Sooo, I would start letting her know that you don't trust her. Not by saying it, but by showing her. Verify EVERYTHING she tells you and if it can't be verified, assume it's a lie. Let her know that her behavior is what has led to that and she will see the difference in how her brother is trusted.
Don't follow her around, but do CHECK everything she is supposed to do EVERY TIME. DO NOT take her word for anything because she has shown that her word is no good. Natural consequence for lying is being treated like a liar. Start doing that!
We also used soap in the mouth for lying or back-talking. Stops it pretty quickly. It's immediate and gets their attention.
I don't blame your husband for being upset about the extended drama. Don't over-analyze his response. He just didn't want to get involved in a bunch of drama over such a minor thing.
Raise your daughter right by rewarding good behavior, praising her in front of others, not comparing your kids (they have different personalities), and finding quick consequences to bad behavior. Don't dramatize the bad behavior. It gives her way too much bad attention.
