How to Reward a Helpful Sibling

Hi J.:

When my kids were small, I made up a chart showing who was supposed to do what chores for the week, and put a gold star when they had done what they were supposed to. Who-ever had the most stars they would get a special treat, example we would do what that child suggested they wanted to do for the day within reason ie, if they wanted to play a certain game, we would play the game. Or if they wanted to watch a certain tv show, we would do that as well. If it was warm outside we might go to the park, the zoo. Something within your financial budget.

Maybe they would choose what they wanted for dinner, like there favorite or order in a pizza, go to McDonald's something like that.

My kids loved it, but that was along time ago. My children now have children.

Hopefully these ideas help.

S.

Maybe just a Mom/daughter day would be nice. A spa day, movie day, shopping trip. I am sure that any 1 on 1 time spent with just the two of you would be nice.

the only thing i can add is writing your older daughter a letter about it. She can re-read it now and even as an adult. I know my 4 year old likes us to read, over and over, cards to her from her teachers.

I just want to applaud you for recognizing that your older daughter needs thanks and encouragement! As an older sister of a needy sibling, it still stings when I remember how my parents lavished attention on my sister and shrugged off all my accomplishments as merely what was expected of me. So, good job! :-)

J.,

How wonderful that you realize the contribution your oldest daughter has made. With my children I always praise them privately. I don't think it really creates goodwill between siblings when you praise one in from of the other with the hopes that it will make one step up and behave in a better way (not that this is your goal). That usually backfires.

As a child development specialist, we are always conscious especially with older daughters that they don't become "parentified". By that I mean, overly responsible. I think your older daughter might be relieved to see you give the younger one some household chores that she is expected to help with and if she doesn't make sure there are logical consequences. I think your older daughter will feel a little less pressured to see her sister taking some responsibility also. Good luck. You sound like a senstive and great mom. A.

How about taking her somewhere just you two. Like getting a manicure or pedicure then lunch, or to the movies or a craft event or any event. One on one time spent alone with their parents is always a special gift. And she won't come home with 'something' that the 8yr old is going to be jealous or reminded that she didn't get anything.

I think it would be great for you to acknowledge your daughter for her "good" behavior in some concrete way, especially since, as you say, the other one gets lots of attention for her not so good behavior, (which you may be unintentionally rewarding with your attention). Spending special time is a geat idea, make sure it is something she wants to do or is into. Also be sure to tune into her needs as well, or the ways and which she is not so perfect. I was an older sibling who was the "good" one to my younger sister's more troubled persona, but I was hiding alot of my own issues cause it was not my role, or so I felt. I'm not saying this is the case, just be sure your older daughter knows she can come to you with problems as well.

what about spending a special afternoon with your older daughter? Go for lunch, shop for a special item.. Have some fun with her to let her know you appreciate her.

Take her somewhere she would love to go but maybe you have said no to in the past. I took my daughter to HSM on Ice one year as a reward. We typically don't go to those type of events since it can get pricey. I told her ahead of time that we couldn't get all the tempting extras and she had the best time and still talks about it. Libby Lu in the mall is fun if your daughter is into that kind of stuff. Whatever you choose, make it an outing with you. She'll remember it more than any gift you buy.

J.,

I know this will sound very girly to some, but I took my middle daughter to get a manicure when she had been doing very well recently. She loved it. My other two girls were a little upset, but also realized that she needed some special time. Good luck with this.

Awesome advice on how to handle Siblings is "Siblings Without Rivalry" Adele Faber is author

I'm in a very similar situation. My oldest is almost 8, and her younger sister almost 7. I also have a 3.5 yr old and a 20 month old. My oldest helps so much with all of her siblings - especially the younger two. We too, have been feeling lately like she needs to be appreciated more for her efforts, and since she helps mostly at her own free will, I think her good character needs to be recognized too. We do have a chart - with expectations listed and that makes it easy to reward her without necessarily making the others feel bad. If they do what is expected - they ALL get rewarded (with a treat, a choice, money, etc). If it happens to be only the oldest who has fulfilled her obligations - well, then that's the way it is.

I also have been pulling her aside alot lately and giving her 'secret' treats. Like a little piece of chocolate or a few extra minutes on the computer for example that is a 'secret' between her and I because she helped me so much with the baby or whatever that day. I think the fact that her and I have a secret means more to her than the treat itself if that makes any sense.

I also love the PP advice on having the praise be overheard! I've always thought that too! That's actually great advice in dealing with anyone! :)

In addition to all the other great ideas posted, I heard some good advice recently: "Let your praise be 'overheard'." Let her "catch" you telling daddy, friends, grandparents how awesome she is! I think it's quite a compliment for her to hear you singing her praises to whoever will listen!