How to Say 'No' ??

For me it depends on what the want, I try to never just say no to my kids. I always try and explain to them why they can't have or can't do what they are asking for.

A little about me:
I am a happily married (6 yrs)mother of 3 ( Alexandria 4 yrs- 5 on 2/24, Gabriella just turned 4yrs old, and Tristin will be 1 yr on 2/7. I am a stay at home who watches two other boys, both 10 months old, I am still working on my non profit organization for young children.
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It really all depends on the situation if it's possible that giving in could lead to a dangerous act or to possible injury then I just say "No, and that's the end of it." In cases where there's a possiblility for meeting on middle ground, like about clothes for instance then it's "Okay here's how this is going to work I'll give you a few options and then you can find something similar to those options that you'd be happy to wear." The other "no" is usually about having a few extra minutes to read before bedtime; She asks for 30 I tell her "10 and that's my final offer."

I have prior obligations.

It's interesting that this is posted today. I spent all of yesterday feeling guilty about saying no to a friend. Here's the situation: I watch a friend's little girl three days a week. I have two boys of my own, one is 6 and in school and the other is 2. For the past two weeks, one or the other or both of the boys have been sick, the week before last my friend's child had a bad cold and cough, (I didn't say no to watching her) and we all ended up catching it. The week before, my 6 year old had a stomach virus, which he thankfully kept to himself. We are finally all on the mend.

Two days ago, my friend came down with the stomach flu. It was a day I wasn't watching her child. Then yesterday, she called to ask if I could watch her child for an hour or two while she went to a meeting. She was still feeling sick and dizzy, and was still contagious. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, that she should still be in bed, and that I didn't want to expose my kids to more illness. Good common sense right? Then why do I feel guilty about this? I think as women we feel that we just can't say no to people, that it's not "nice", even if we put our own health and happiness in jeopardy! Maybe your article can explain this.

One other thing. I have no problem saying no to unreasonable requests from my children. Sometimes they are just testing their limits. They know you're going to say no, but they just want to see what happens! I believe in setting clear boundaries for the kids. They end up being happier people in the long run. If only our other relationships were so black and white!

For me, I have never felt guilty about telling anyone "no". My kids, friends. More often it is telling my best friend no. She has a habbit of asking me to do litterly everything for her. Run to the bank and deposit something, go get her some lunch if she is at work, keep her daughter for her for the day. If these were every now and again I wouldn't mind - but here lately it's becoming a daily thing. I have actually started making my husband take our car (his was crushed along with him by a tree - the car taking the worst of it) just so I can tell her I don't have a vehicle.
Telling my children no is easier. My daughter's requests have gotten more expensive here of late. Just this week she asked could she go to my parents for spring break. This is actually a normal request for her. And prior to my husbands accident she would be aloud. But we would have to buy her a plane ticket this trip, and that is just not do-able right now. She understands this (and I'm thankful for that), but her next response was "well mammaw can buy my ticket". Again something that is not out of the ordinary. She was the first grand child and great grand child and is used to getting everything she wants. But we are trying to teach her that we cannot expect her grandparents to foot the bill everytime mom and dad can't afford it. With her being 10, I've taken to giving her a simple explination of why the answer to her request is no and if she begins the next sentence with "buy why" I simply smile at her and repeat whatever explination I just gave her. Sometimes we go back and forth 3 to 4 times, same question same response. Other times she says "ok" with puppy dog eyes. She is learning that just because she wants it - doesn't mean she'll get it.

MANY years ago, back when I had time to watch Oprah, she had a guest stress management "expert" who taught me how to say NO! to my friend who was always making "passive agressive" requests to me ON THE PHONE.

This person said to STAND ON ONE FOOT (which gives you the feeling of urgency...because you're not allowed to let it down until you say NO!) Then say, "I am UNABLE to do that right now...I have to go right now...I'll call you later" and HANG UP! IMMEDIATELY!! Not "can't...can't right now...or MAYBE later". UNABLE is the trigger word! DO NOT JUSTIFY your reason. You don't have to be On-Call for the rest of the world! After you hang up, you say out loud, "I just put my foot DOWN!" The first time you do it, you'll feel incredible guilt. (wink) Then, when you discover that Life went on without you, you'll feel relieved - totally - of that burden!

I'm sure you've done research, including the "Rescue Triangle" that's mentioned in the "Co-Dependent No More" series, and how the CHAIN must be broken.

If one considers something to be an Unreasonable request, one must declare themself LIBERATED FROM THE OTHER PERSON'S CONTROL.

I also like Dr. Phil's theory of OWNERSHIP. Who's problem is it? If it's not mine, I don't want it. I have enough burdens to carry, thank you. "I am UNABLE to carry your problem at this time."

The trick is to prioritize. Discover what is IMPORTANT, and what really ISN'T!! (Choose your battles. Is a perfectly clean room THAT important? Or can you live with a "safety path" between the bed and the doorway?)

Discover what NO really means. Does it mean Not Now, or Not EVER? A cookie request could be "Not now, but after dinner." A peanut butter cookie to an allergic child means NOT EVER!"
Jumping on the trampoline in the back yard (supervised) is a Not Now...jumping on the furniture is a Not EVER.

Yes transfers control / power to someone else. It gives permission. NO! means "I'm still in control of ME!" NOT THEM!

Remember, you don't really ever control another person...just their behavior...or the situation.

Good luck with your book. Let me know if you need anything else. I'd be glad to help!

C.,
I find that simply lowering my voice and being very stern. Once I say "no" in this tone, and adding "final", she leaves it alone.

Sticking to a rule, like no juice or sugars after 6pm, so when she asks, i say "what time it is?" then we look at the clock and if its after 6pm, then sorry, no.

If she asks for some thing unreasonable, we say, "absolutely not" in a lower voice. This seems to quell any further requests.

good luck.
M.