Husband - Livingston,NJ

That's a lot of money to give up. Some families don't even make that much with both working full time and taking all overtime they can. That is a chunk to cut back.

I think you and hubby need to sit down and talk about a valid budget so he can get a concept of what you're spending the money on. I think it sounds like you're doing okay.

Wait..he gives you an allowance for groceries? He's too controlling. You are equal partners in your marriage whether you work or not.

Did you work out a budget together? If not, calmly go over the numbers together. Keep your receipts for a few weeks and (again, calmly) show him how much things cost for your necessary expenses. Be willing to compromise on how much each expense should receive if you know there is room to compromise. Remember that most people who freak out about finances are genuinely concerned about providing adequately for their families, not about controlling everything.

If you already have a budget in place, are you sticking to the budget? If so, remind him that there is a budget in place that you are honoring, but be willing to revisit it if he's concerned about finances (and willing to compromise if you know there are places that you can tighten up).

If you have a budget that you aren't sticking to, why aren't you? Are you spending more than you should in certain areas? Is there room for improvement on your part or is there not enough money in your budget for things you need? If the fault is yours, fix it. If it's a matter of underfunding in the budget, keep receipts and calmly demonstrate to your husband where the budget shortfalls are. Be willing to work with him to adjust the budget as needed (and be aware of it enough to offer suggestions for adjustments and improvements.)

And if you've never investigated it, explore Dave Ramsey's financial peace university. It's fantastic.

My mom told me a great story about her marriage. She was the one who paid the bills, my dad worked. He kept complaining about how much she overspent, so finally she told him to pay the bills, make the budget and so on. He did that for a month, asked her to please start doing it again and never ever complained that she was spending too much. I am not sure this would work for you because your husband does seem controlling. He might just take it over and be perfectly happy cutting corners just to please himself. It could make things worse.
Some questions to consider>>>

Does he really want you to stay at home or is this treatment his way of telling you he wants you to go back to work? Does he resent his stepson? Would you be happier if you worked at least part time? Do you know the whole picture concerning your finances?

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds horrid.

Make him go shopping with you. Take a list of what you need and buy only those items. If he puts extras in the shopping cart, separate it and have it rung up after all the necessities are rung up, then add his stuff. He needs to see how much groceries and clothes for the kids etc. actually cost.

But I also agree he is being controlling, you should have a joint checking and saving account and he should trust you with the money in those accounts.

I feel bad for you and wonder if you can live like this for the rest of your life. Think about what you are teaching your daughters. Do you have any say-so in anything ? Do you have family that you could stay with while you figure this out ? What are you going to do when your 18 yo no longer gets child support ? I know, to many questions, but please think about your answers. Your children should be #1.

C.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and get a budget in place. You need to show him receipts for the grocery money - not because you have to prove how you are spending the money - but to show him what things really cost.

I STRONGLY suggest you go to the library and borrow books from Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman so you guys can get your finances under control. This will allow you, as a couple, to find out if you can afford to stay home. If not - then you need to dust off your resume and get back to work.

Communication is key to any relationship. You need to learn to communicate correctly - not fight over money - and work TOGETHER as ADULTS - not high schoolers....

ASK HIM WHAT HE EXPECTS!
ASK HIM if he understands just how much groceries cost?

You and your husband are PARTNERS - he is NOT your father. I get the "allowance" - we are a cash only family - I'm a WONDERFUL spender!! :) however, I do know control. We budgeted $200 every two weeks for groceries. We did this TOGETHER - by looking at receipts from the past and what we really needed. However, I now have a job - so that budget is different now.

Don't get mad at him. COMMUNICATE with him.

Now my questions for you -

Do the kids need REALLY NEED new clothes? Can you save money by going to a garage sale or the Salvation Army and buying good, quality used clothes?

Are there ways you can save money? Using coupons? Meal planning? Instead of just saying "I don't like you anymore" SHOW HIM what you are spending.

The birthday party and gifts? Sorry - that should be done TOGETHER. He's NOT your father. he's your PARTNER/HUSBAND!!!

Good luck!

This is a tough situation, but it's pretty common. I feel this way from time to time, as a SAHM. My sister has it worse--she has five kids, and her husband is nagging her to go back to work full-time. The youngest is not even in school yet, and her husband said not only does her want her back to work ft, but he is not willing to pick up any of the slack, or hire anyone, whether it's to clean the house or be there when the kids get home! Yikes.

Here's what my husband and I have been doing, and so far it's better than it was...
We got three bluebird cards--they are prepaid cards that ring up just like credit cards (but prepaid). One card is for household expenses, including groceries. The other two cards are for us--each of us uses one for personal spending, allowance, etc., and we each get the same amount ($50/week each). We are tweaking the amounts we put in the house account, as we see what our expenditures are. It's helping us get our spending under control, and manageable. Also, I think having some personal spending money, and the same amount, helps us to feel as though we're on the same team, working together on it.

Do you think your problem might be two-fold? What I mean by that is, I think every husband of every SAHM wife, at one time or another, freaks out over money, and also (maybe at the same time, but maybe not), wonders "what does she do all day?" Because for most dads, when they stay home with the kids, it's a different scenario, at least with most of my friends. When they are with the kids, that's their only responsibility. When YOU are with the kids, you are also cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc., etc. I love my husband, but when he takes the kids, I typically come home to a messy house, and nothing has been "done." Therefore, I think a lot of guys think that it's pretty easy, this kid-watching gig. If you think that's an issue, I would maybe take a day or two, and write down everything you do. It will be a pain, but it will maybe help him to understand--be specific, and write in time-frames, like 8:15-8:30--cooked and served breakfast. And save every receipt from your weekly spending, so he can see how much groceries cost, how much that trip to the post office, home depot, and the dry cleaners cost. Either that, or take some time off--a weekend away maybe, WITH a to-do list. Not that you're trying to keep him busy, but tell him there are things that need to get done to keep the household running. That way, he's not just "watching the kids," but getting a sense of what you do that goes unnoticed. I don't know if any of this helps you, and sorry if I rambled on! Good luck--you'll get through this.

This is an age old problem. Saw my mom go through it, my friends are
going through it and now me.
Now I make my husb go groc shopping. Of course, he only comes home
with a few thing. Or he tries new things. We never have enough when
he goes but at least he sees the cost & I don't have to go.
When he watches the kids, the house is a wreck. All he does is "watch the kids". Well while he watches TV. ;)
I've given up. I do the best I can which means:
-I buy the extra groceries when I can
-I make him do the reg groc shopping since he keeps a tight reign on the
money. I, too, left a very high paying job.
-I let him pay all the bills since he wasn't giving me any money at first to
pay the ones that were still in my name.
-I try to make money on the side (sell things, watch kids, recycle aluminum etc. You name it, I'll try to make some money.).
-Have him pay all the bills.
-Shop somewhere cheap. Buy generic brands when you can.
-Don't spend a lot of $ on birthday gifts. Buy some little things when you
see them on sale that you think you can give as gifts & keep them for
when you need them.
-I only use coupons on things like flour, sugar etc. Otherwise I always buy generic. It's cheaper.
-When you run errands, group them together so you will spend less gas.
-Watch your bills (turn off lights not in use, watch a/c & heat without being hot or cold. In other words, just don't be wasteful.
-Until your hubby has to do it all, he'll never understand. Same boat here.
-Save your $ money whenever you can so YOU have it when you need it
-In time, things will get better, you'll go back to work etc.
-When he complains abt money, just calmly tell him you watch your money, use coupons, buy generic whenever poss & save.

Hugs, I'm sorry. Some men only see your value in terms of income, and he doesn't see why you wouldn't work. Never mind what your paycheck would look like if you had to pay fulltime daycare for two young kids. Maybe you should tell him about the $400-$500 a week that would probably cost you, and what your paycheck would really look like after that. Also, does he think that you're buying luxurious items, or does he just not know how much it costs to feed and clothe a family? While I'm not saying that you should have to report and justify every penny spent, if he came food shopping and saw that $200 a week gets a family what they need without fancy extras, and that $100 gets a preschooler 3 pairs of pants, 3 tops, one dress, two pairs of pajamas and one pair of shoes, not a whole wardrobe and their winter coat, maybe he'd get it.
Good luck!

Yes that's a huge salary loss, but I have also done that 4 times in my career. You will recoup. I did.