Husband and I Have No Fun Anymore

Hi,
I am in the same position like you! Get a good girlfriend and have fun. I am looking for one too.

when it is a free day or afternoon, suggest an activity that will be fun to do with the baby. It could be the park, pool, mall, toy shop, a play date, the zoo, etc. etc.
insist on it. If husband says "no", it is time for a visit to the doctor for him. Perhaps he has a problem he can't talk about.
B. v. O.

hey girl-
I completely understand, A., my hubby does same thing sometimes. I hated it but now I have found that if I go do something with my girlfriends, even just grocery shopping, or hanging out, then come home all happy or excited-pumped up frok being out, he starts asking questions about what we did? Not controlling or defensive , but curious. Then I started saying, "hey babe, i am gonna go to _________, was gonna invite carol, or did you wanna come?"
Also, I started doing the things he used to like before we had 4 kids, like mini golf, classic car shows, model train exhibits/ hobby stores...yes I was completely bored outta my mind but now he takes me to do stuff I like. Maybe in appreciation, maybe in obligation but we do have fun together. we have been married 13 years and I feel beyond blessed!
well, good luck sister!
Blessings<><

C. McElroy

www.myvemma.com/momma4god

www.myverve.com/momma4god

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Live your life in such a way that
when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders & says...
"Oh darn....she's awake!!''

-How long have you been married?
-Is this how he always was?
-How old is your child... meaning, was your Husband like this since only having a child.
- Have you even considered that your Husband may be depressed.. and does not know it? Or does not know how to even talk about his feelings?
- What is his job situation?
-Does your Hubby really enjoy being a Dad and have fun with your son?
-How is your relationship with him?

Men... the more you 'pressure' them, the more they WILL 'retreat.' For some people, the more you tell them how to be... the more they will not do it, nor want to try, nor will they feel 'free' to be themselves. They will feel their self-esteem has been eroded... by you, by being in comparison...by you... you who is "more" of everything than they are. Do you see? He probably feels you are better than him. Men are sensitive to those things... that their woman/wife is "bored" with them. It kills their spirit.
Maybe he even wonders WHY you are even with him, when you are so "energetic, social, and active" and he is not, And you think he is a couch-potato. Maybe he even over-heard you telling someone that???? Maybe he feels jilted and un-loved.

The point is.... he may be depressed. And, below the surface there is bound to be a whole bunch of "stuff" he feels... but feels he cannot tell you anything.....
try and put yourself in his shoes... he is really unhappy. Maybe. Or maybe he is just in a 'rut.' Which all adults go through sometimes.

All the best,
Susan

Does he know how you feel? If not....you better talk to him. He is obviously NOT happy. It might be a blessing to talk to him and REALLY find out what is wrong......cause something is. Especially if he USED to be active with you.
You have to be happy in a marriage otherwise everyone is miserable. Dig deep, and keep bugging him. It will eventually come out.
Good luck to you and your family!

Dear A.,
I agree with the lady who said it may be exhaustion or depression. Reread her comments. If you see other signs of depression, you will have to see if you can get him to see a doctor for a regular checkup (let the doctor know your concerns). Approach him from the "I" not you. Tell him you are concerned, love him. "I am frustrated and want to help." One of my sister's husband fights depression and now is on medication that helps. It is difficult but if it is depression things can be done to help him. I know it is hard, but spend time with him by choosing to sit with your arm around him in the evening for one show. During the day, make sure you meet his needs and spend time playing with your beautiful little one. Go on excursions during the week when he is waiting. Do not desert him on the weekend if it is his only time home. I pray things will work out for you.
H.

Just love him through this at least he is home with you. My husband did this a year ago, they get stressed and TV is their coping mechanism, like we talk with our friends. He is much better now being involved with the family, but still watches a bit of TV. So I do stuff around the house and then just go sit with him. He notices when I don't sit with him and he likes it when I do even though we are just sitting there. I make conversation at commercial time and he has learned to listen. Watch Fireproof together. Set up a date at least 2-3 times a month, get the babysitter. I heard a wife that had been married many years, when she just couldn't get his attention after the kids were asleep she just walked in front of the TV naked. I never tried it but it must work :)

A., you are correct in that you are blessed. How old is your husband? I have been married to an older man for over 14 years. Most men are TV addicts, just like women have their own devices. Most men want to "fix" things or not "face" situations. They feel that since women, are for the most part "emotional creatures" we may not understand and try to fix or change them. They don't want to be changed. When a man is tired, he can get very grumpy or angry just like women experiencing PMS. He may want to be reclusive as there may be some problems at work, etc or having this new baby boy, sometimes there is some jealousy or resentment in having him, even though he loves his son and you. He may be worried monetarily too. He may be experiencing second thoughts on why he became a father and will he be good enough? Perhaps instead of pushing or questioning your hubby, I would back off for a while and just say "I understand honey". Play with your boy near him and try to make it fun for your son and while playing, tell your son that his daddy loves him so much and tickle him. I would stop complaining to your hubby about "his" behavior, not going anywhere and tell him what a wonderful husband and father he his. Keep doing this for a while. Even if your hubby pushes your buttons, try not to get into a "pity party" with yourself. When it comes down to it, men are very simple. Let me know how things are, D.

Sounds like your husband is depressed or exhausted or both. Do you see other signs of depression? Withdrawal and not wanting to spend time with his family sounds very much like depression to me. It doesn't help matters that he gets defensive and doesn't even want to address this with you. I would not take this as a boredom issue on your side, but a depression issue on his side. Also, if he is working late all the time, he sounds like he is too exhausted to do much on the weekends with his family. However, you can tell him that you understand that his work schedule is draining him but that you need to find a solution so that he is still a part of your family and part of your son's life somehow. Retreating to the couch to sit in front of the TV maybe relaxing for him, but he still needs to interact with his child and you. If you can't speak to him directly, try writing a heartfelt note but address concerns about the family and for him. Not that you're "bored" because that will come off as selfish especially if he is working hard to support the family. And again, look for other signs of depression because if that is what it is, you may need medical attention to help him. Good luck.

A.,
Repetition can be such a drag. I know what you mean. I know you are adventursome person and his lack of motivation can be very bothersome.
It is time to spice things up a bit - get that attention back! You mentioned he works late, so maybe cook a dessert for him (in just an apron), or read a sizzling book (like karmasutra positions) that would intrigue your husband. Strip scrabble or a game that involves just the two of you can be fun.
All in all, you love your husband and it seems that since he doesn't put forth the effort first, it might be up to you. So make some fun memories for the two of you and get him to look at you instead of that stinkin' tv! Make your marriage sizzle.
I hope that works for you two.
P.

How about planning things for you and your son to do on the weekend! Once they are planned, asked your husband if he wants to come too. If he doesn't, just leave that subject alone. Go have fun with your son. If you go to the park and find some neat feathers or leaves on the ground.....bring them home so your son can share with daddy what he found! Or your son could draw a picture of what you did together and post it on the refrigerator. Keep on planning outings and inviting your husband to come (without pressure, of course). Maybe it's time to build a fort out of cardboard boxes in the backyard. There's lots of fun stuff you can plan and you husband just might realize he is missing all the fun!

Marie-anne

Hello A..

You use the words "no fun anymore". Does that mean that there was a time when you and your husband went out and did things together?

Try to remember at what point he turned into the couch potato and what might have triggered it. Is he depressed, impacted by the poor economy? suddenly out of work, etc.

In other words, my first suggestion is to make sure that he isn't having some kind of problem.

Aside from that, here are my suggestions:

1. Don't nag him about the TV, do nothing issue. It will only make it worse.

2. Use this opportunity to get in touch with your girlfriends and go out and do things you enjoy. I have a feeling that once he sees that it might spark something in him to get up off the couch at some point as well.

3. I know you don't like TV, but if he does, you need to put forth some effort to share in this acitivity with him. There has to be at least one show, news program, something that he watches reguraly that you can make a point to sit down and watch WITH him. Make it like a "stay at home date" and build it into your routine. Make popcorn, put the kid to bed and put on something "revealing", not a teddy, just something that makes the presence of your "chi chi's" (breasts) and other female parts KNOWN.

4. Try this for fun just to see what happens:
- Take a bath
- Put on something that smells nice
- Put on a really high heel pump, sandal, leather boot, etc., and nothing else (you should be naked)
- Walk into the room where he is watching TV, with no expression on your face, like you are not naked and wearing hoochie foot wear
- Ask to see the remote for a second and stand right in front of him (back side facing his face) and say "oh, I just want to see if this show my friend told me about is on"
- flip to one channel then quickly back to the one he was watching
- Drop the remote accidentally on the floor in front of you (back side still to him) then say "oops" and bend over to pick it up, right in front of his face.
- Hand the remote back to him and then exit the room like nothing happened.
- Wait to see if he has any reaction

5. An important thing to remember about marriage: In a marriage relationship, till death do you part, you will be married to atleast 5 different people, even if you never divorse. Right now you are married to COUCH POTATO MAN. The good news, he is in the house and not out in a bar drinking somewhere. Also, Couch Potato man will dissappear one day and the next version of your husband will arrive. DON'T PANIC. If you believe in God then pray for the courage and desire to adjust to all the husbands that you have to look forward to.

Get out, do YOUR thing, get your son on playdates as well. He will come around eventually, but you also have to get down on that couch with him and make some effort to spend time with him in HIS element.

Football season is underway - Dress up in the jersey for his favorite team and watch Monday night football with him every now and then to get things going.

Best of luck to you.

I am a children's book author and working mother and wife (two boys, married 19 years). I do workshops for moms on various topics, my favorite is ESCAPING THE MOTHERHOOD COMA.

I am working on a book of the same title that will have many tid bits on dealing with the type of problem you just described. Check out my website (www.watchmegrowkids.com) and join the mailing list so you will recieve info when the book is finished.

Pam A

Personally I think men get get stuck in a rut and simply use TV as an escape. If I were you I'd start planning things, going to the beach, walks, movies or whatever you enjoy with or without your husband. If explaining how you feel to him doesn't work, that is. Soon enough he might feel like he's missing out if he doesn't join you or your son. Also, modeling to your son that there's more to life than TV will be important in his upbringing so for his sake if nothing else, that might get your husband's attention.

Well, I have a few questions first.... how old is your husband? Is this a NEW behaviour? (since your son has been born?), how old is your son?, how long has this been going on?....

Without knowing the answers to these questions, here's what I would recommend:

1) Be MORE interesting than the T.V. - maybe a nice outfit, a little dance, a loving massage, bringing him a beer or glass of wine coupled with a kiss on the cheek - without him asking (all when your boy is asleep). MOST men, if they are not having a medical issue (or are not messing around) will drop everything and respond to this. Think "girlfriend behaviour" - would YOU want to come home to YOU?....Men in fact are very simple creatures...I think it was Julia Childs who said, "There are 3 'f's to dealing with a man.....Feed, Flirt, and F**k"...I know it may sound crude to some, but in the end, if you are a loving wife with sincere intentions of keeping your family intact - USE YOUR FEMININE WILES ---- they will get you far!! ;-)

2) If that is not working (and I mean after a couple WEEKS of attempts), then I would ask (lovingly) if there's any kind of "issue" that he may be dealing with....(medical, mental, stress at work, etc...)He may be dealing with something that he doesn't want to "bother" you about...It really could be (if it's a NEW behaviour) that he has something on his mind that's troubling him & maybe talking to you will help him sort it out.

3) Go on outings with your boy - without your husband - to the store, the mall, the park, a walk around the neighborhood picking flowers, rocks, etc to bring back to daddy. Tell hubby of all the cool things that your boy did while you were out with him - and do it in a loving & excited way - NOT BLAMING OR CRITICZING HIM....this will (hopefully) plant a seed in his mind that he is missing out on some very cool stuff!

I really feel for you in this situation, as my own husband can get into a "mood" every now & then...these tactics have helped us tremendously (although HE doesn't know that it is a "tactic" that I'm using! lol)

If nothing is working, and a visit to the doctor rules out any medical issues such as depression or ED, then maybe some counseling (separate - then together) may help...

Good luck to you, Mama! Do ALL you can to keep this "terrific" man!!!!

A., thisis perfectly normal behaviour. Men need to "do nothing" in front of the TV or video games etc to reduce their stress after a long day. They need to replenish their testosterone (movies that blow up things are the best for this). Women need to talk to raise their serotonin level. So at the end of the day you are both doing exactly what you need to be doing.

Now here is the kicker, you don't like what he does and that to you is a problem. So what do you do? So either you can try to change him...which if you ask anyone, doens't really work..or if it does, it doens' work for long. OR you can acept what he needs (read the Mars Venus Diet and Exercise Solution by Dr John Gray to really understand this).

A., this is your husband's way, that is why we have girlfriends. So right now you get to choose, will you let it bother you or will you embrace the "you time" that he is providing? BTW - your son will most likely do the same thing -

B.
Family Wellness Coach

Maybe if you explain to your hubby that you dont want your son to grow up thinking watching TV and being sedentary is the normal way of being, he may understand better. Explain that he can watch TV once your son goes to bed, at least that will give you time to be a family, but also allow him the down time to veg out on the couch. Find research to back it up. Start first by acknowledging his feelings, then ask for what you want. ie "I know you like/need to decompress by watching TV, I was reading about kids and TV and could we agree to keep the TV off until he goes to bed?" Or you could write a letter to him, if you think talking to him will only result in an argument. A letter will allow you to get it all out and not be flustered by an argument or thrown off by things he says. Good luck.

Quite often, men who are depressed will have no interest in anything besides TV. Is this new, or has he always been like this and it's just gotten worse? Or, did you ignore it before, thinking it would change, and are now angry because it didn't? Have you noticed it more since the baby was born? Has there been a lot of stress in his life lately? Is his dad a TV all day kind of person? Figuring out if this is new behavior will hjelp you figure out what causes it, and if he might be depressed. Men often feel angry or bored when depressed, instead of weepy and alone, the way women do.

Many men just naturally slow down earlier than their wives, and are ready to sit on the porch just when their wives decide it's finally time to learn scuba diving or salsa dancing. That's OK!! Take a class, join a club, and don't feel you need to take your husband along.

You probably just have extremely different personalities. I am truly, deeply content staying at home most nights. I have never been out dancing or to a nightclub - I'd rather have unmedicated dental work. My husband would love to attend a party or event every night. Just thinking about that exhausts me.

Since you're afraid of taking father/son time if you take the baby out, leave him at home and go by yourself or with girlfriends. Plan picnics for the weekend - your husband will probably not mind at all if you make a meal to eat in a park instead of at home. As your son gets older, go to the zoo or museums. Maybe you can have one family activity per weekend, and one solo one for you. Before you know it, you'll have soccer games or Little League to juggle with school activities, and you'll be glad for an occasional night of nothing but TV. ;P

Hi A.,
I just want you to know you are not alone!! My husband (and my brother in law) are exactly the same as your husband!! TV, TV and more TV. The kids and I will watch baseball with him. My son is almost 5 and plays baseball with his dad IN THE HOUSE, IN FRONT OF THE TV. Or football or superheroes, but always in front of the TV. I know he works hard and wants time to unwind and veg, but it gets old week after week after week (we've been married 14 years). The kids and I go without him OFTEN. BBQ's, swimming, birthday parties, even camping (we go with my brother and his family). My husband doesn't like the outdoors and we love it! I grew up going camping with my family every year to the same place and loved it. I want to give that same experience to my children but he won't budge. Now he did finally take some time off last summer because we had to use our timeshare points and we went to Kauai. He loved it and wants to go back, but that is going to be a very long wait. He even went in the water for the first time in his life! I have no words of wisdom just wanted you to know it is very common... I read the other posts and appreciated what other moms had to say. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure my husband IS depressed and he agrees, but wont do anything about it!

Good luck to you and your family!
J.

Hi A.!

I would make a deal with your husband. He can pick one or two shows a week for you two to watch together...that means you sit and watch it with him and be a good sport. In exchange, he agrees to do one or two activities of your choice. Ideally, they should work out to be fairly equal time-wise. The rest of the time, the tv should be turned off and spent interacting with your baby and family.

If he refuses to this agreement, he needs to give you very definite reasons why, in excruciatingly specific detail and in a way you understand (that means you really have to listen with your heart and your head). That might be more than you want to know but at least you'll know what the problem is and be able to fix it, right?

My husband has always been a workaholic and I love him dearly. I told him flat out when our children were babies that I wouldn't cover for his long hours, I wouldn't make excuses for him and he would reap what he sows. I proceeded to make sure my sons and I had a happy, involved life without him. Sure enough, a few years ago my sons let my husband know in total kid fashion that they had no faith in him to be involved with their lives because HE WAS NEVER THERE. My sons were 13 and 9! Yes, that's a lot of time wasted, but my husband got the message. He's far more involved now.

If your husband doesn't get the message, I think you have two choices. Build a married life where you and your son are active and on the move, leaving him on the couch. Or, build a new life for you and your son without him in the picture. That's a tough decision. I struggled with the same thing and decided that I would stick it out, but, I'll be honest, there were a few times when I almost threw in the towel. Don't let him hold you back.

Good luck, A..

Yeah I vote for depression too. Most men aren't very good at articulating their feelings, but this sounds like he is depressed. How new is your baby? Have you stopped spending as much time with him as you did before the baby? This happens often because we women get SO wrapped up in the care of our babies, that the men sometimes feel left out and lonely. I am always asking my husband on a scale of 1 - 10 how left out do you feel. When he told me a 6 I was shocked, so I made more of an effort to appreciate him, sex, etc.

You could also plan a special date for the two of you. Men are more emotional than we realize and we really do hold a LOT of power with them. Good luck.

Go have fun with your son! There is no reason to sit around-maybe your husband will eventually join. Meet some friends-go for walks. Men are just different and marriages go thrugh different seasons. Instead of nagging and complaining-get out there! Have fun!!!

I am glad to see I am not the only one with this problem. Reading your post I felt like I had written it. I look forward to seeing the responses. I just keep turning the TV off ("its not good for our son") and hoping for a change. Also I have decided that if my hubby wanted to spend time with our son, he can do so without the TV or he can come with us. If he chooses not to then my boy and I go have the adventure. I keep reminding my hubby that our boy is not going to remember that dad is tired from work, he is going to remember he was always sitting infront of the computer or TV.....and then tolerate the defenciveness. It is worth it knowing I am fighting for my son and a relationship with his father. Good luck and hang in there. Just try everything!Oh, also try having a date night. That did help us in that after he went out and was able to relax without the baby AND be center of attention, he was more willing to go do things with us.

Do what makes you happy and be sure to invite your husband. What good is quality time in front of the tube? good luck!

Hi A.,
Well try watching fireproof it's a good religious movie about a couple in trouble. Also try going out with friends once in a while so you can come out of that boring time. Also play a board game with him or poker:) He might be geleous of your baby boy's attention and he wants to get some forhimself? Talk to him and I believe that you will work it out.

Just go do fun things with your son. If your husband gripes about it, do it anyway. It's not good for EVERYONE sitting around doing nothing. Maybe he'll see how much fun you're having and come along sometime. Find some other moms with kids to do things with, and get passes for places like Sea World, etc.

my thought is to take your little boy out and do fun things for yourselves. maybe your husband will catch on and see how much fun you're both having and will want to join in.