I Don't Know How to Fix Our Marriage

A. my name is B. i dont have the time tonight to answer you. i like to talk to you bye mail. simply because it sound like what i am going trough here at my home . so i will give you mye mail addy if you like and you and i can talk about this if you dont mind. its ____@____.com i will talk to you as soon as i can i no how hard this is i go trough this every day thanks B. mello

To add to some other peoples messages try flylady.com
she will help you get the household stuff together eliminate one problem at a time.

well congratulations on being a new mom.It is the touhgest job but the most rewarding. If he won't go to consuling right now i'd suggest you go it sounds like you maybe depressed. Being a parent is overwhelming at times and for moms it is someitmes easier to fall in to that role. talking to someone about how you feel. May give you advice on how to manage you relationship. remember why you fell in live have a date get a babysitter and do somthing just the two of you. men somtimes feel out of the loop intialy because they don't always know what their repondsibilities should be. i think it is easier in some ways for women.... take a deep breath mother of 13 11 8 adn 14 months K.

I can't give you advice on your marriage, but I can tell you some things that helped mine. I have a husband in the US Navy and he is gone for months at a time. I am a stay-at-home mom with a six month old. We too have had some of the same problems, such as my husband playing computer games. Every night he came home I felt like a WOW widow. He didn't want to play with our son and if he held him he was still playing on the computer. I turned off the TV. Got some board games. It kept his mind busy (which is why he said he played the games) and for father's day I got him (us) a Wii. It has fun games we can play together. Also after a day of me doing nothing but taking care of our son, it was my husbands job to give the bath and read the bedtime story. This way he was spending time with our son. And it gave me time to relax, or in many cases, to clean the kitchen and pick up the mess from the day.

As for the fights...I learned that I can't yell at my husband about something if I'm doing the same things that I'm yelling at him about. And even if I am to tired to move my little finger, I will initiate sex. One it stops the fighting for a while but it also brings us closer like we were before we had our son.

If you still want to go to counseling, you could suggest seeing your priest or minster if you attend church. Then there wouldn't be "temptation."

Also after a night of my husband complaining that I didn't do anything all day, I left him to take care of our son for the whole day. It was a day he didn't have to work. I left the house about 7am leaving him to get our son up, feed him and take care of him. I didn't answer my cell phone when he called either,(I can't get a hold of him during the day)but I did check the messages in case it was something I needed to respond to. I came home around 4pm and my husband was so happy to see me. He had a much better understanding for what I do all day and why I can't always get things done. This technique might not work for everyone, but it worked for us.

I hope this helped or at least let you know that there are others out there with the same problems.

Maybe you are overwhelmed by the shape your home is in. Clutter can weigh you down. If you just concentrate on setting a time limit of 20 minutes a day in each room, even put a timer on and clean just the 20 minutes straight you will see a difference. You cannot control another person, he is going to do what he is going to do. But maybe if you show you are making an effort, he will too. Start trying to fix your relationship by setting aside one day a week that you and your husband can spend 2 to 4 hours together on a date. Renew your relationship by being alone with each other away from the house. You will be surprised what these little dates may bring. Don't talk about the home at first when you are alone together. Talk about your short term and long term goals you should be setting for your family together and listen, listen, listen to one another. Don't be thinking of what you are going to say while he is talking. Listen to what he is saying to you. Listen, listen, listen. That is why God gave us two ears and one mouth. Best of luck, I will say a prayer for you.

It sound to me like you're both a little lazy lately. You need to straighten up your house and stop sleeping until 11 (11!!!! I dont sleep past 7 no matter what!!!), stop putting your one year old in front of the TV and pay attention to what is HAPPENING in your/ his/ her life. He needs to get rid of the xbox or put it away until everyone is asleep. Your both sounding VERY immature, and its time to GROW UP. Make it a rule that from 3 until 8 there is no TV on in you house, including video games. This will allow you to communicate with eachother as well as the baby. Stop acting like a victim, and take some responsibilty for whats going on. Good luck, and Im sorry if this sounds harsh, but girl, you both NEED a reality check.

hi, i can only speak from my experiences.Before i got sick and was a stay at home mom. My husband would not appreiate coming home to a messy house either. I think they have the mentallity that if you are home you should be able to keep up with house work. I think he is feeling also not like a couple, because in his eyes he is doing his part by going to work. In his eyes as a partner you are not keeping up with what he feels you should.Which i think upsets him and could be one of two things he doesnt want to talk because he is afraid if he talks he may blow up or is letting you know he is dissapointed that you are not keeping up your end if the deal. You need to sit down and talk to him. I know sometimes i feel lik mu husband hates me to so i asked him and that opened the gate for a conversation about us.That helped alot, i have to remind once in a while about the conclusions we made but thats not to bad.
alittle about my self My name is T. i have fibromyalgia and am in constant pain. I am on disabilty. I go to the ymca foure days a week to exercise.There are things in the house as far as cleaning I cant do. BUT WE MADE A SCHEDULE OF WHO BE BE responsible for what jobs, My husband has gained respect again for me by learning what my limits are and realizing what i can do.

I read your "A little about me section" and it says that you are a happy family.
You don't sound happy at all. If your marriage is in trouble and your husband is not willing to find a way to work on it then he needs a reality check. Been there, done that. I am older than you which means I am more wise in the way of the world as far as marriage is concerned and I say that life is to short. Sometimes an ultimatium is in order. I wish you luck.

Yikes...Sorry you are going through this. I guess it depends on how much you want to save your marriage. I would start to clean up a little more and focus on Andrew and Maddie. Maybe start counseling yourself. Or you could maybe go stay with your mom or friend for a few days and figure out what the best move is.
Good Luck

Hi A.,

Janine is right on. Marriage is work and both of you need to work at it.

Please, please, please read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". My marriage was on the rocks a few years ago and my husband was too stubborn to go to counseling. I knew that we still loved each other, but along the way we had become jaded, resentful, and then spiteful as well. He withdrew and I just got madder and more depressed. What a downward spiral!

Finally I realized that if I gave up, then the relationship was truly over. Reading this book meant looking deeply at how I played a part in the situation and taking responsibility for my actions. I couldn't control him, but I could control my own actions and (hard as it was!) they needed to reflect my commitment and respect for the relationship. It took a while for him to stop being suspicious of why I was being "so nice" to him, but that book SAVED my marriage.

If you don't read the book, at least go back and read your wedding vows. If a husband and wife truly live by them the marriage will endure.

God bless and keep you!

J.

Hi A.,

I went through a similiar situation to yours, but not quite to your extend. What I did was talk to my obgyn and he prescribed some medicine for Post pardom depression and I also started to go to the YMCA. The YMCA is great, I still work out, my children get to join fun classes that I can afford and the Child Watch works when I need it.

My husband? I stopped trying to "change" him or control what I wanted from him all the time. I became happier, the house gets clean (my kids help in any way they can). Because I started doing something for myself, my resentment for him went away and we stopped fighting and began working together. He now is home more and we go to the gym on weekends together, work out, and then go for a swim in the pool with the kids together. Life is much, much happier and we have fun together again.

My advice is to do what works for you and what makes you happy. Happiness is contagious, he won't be able to help himself and become happier too.

Good luck and you are not alone.

A little about me: SAHM with two children 5 and 2 1/2.

It sounds as if I'm going through something similar only my husband is home during the summer and I work fulltime yet I'm the one who is still expected to take care of home and baby!

I am not credited, I am not a professional, but I have my own intuition and experience. It sounds like your husband is doing what most younger men do. The change a baby brings to your lives is monumentous for them. They never got to experience the life growing within them nor share that special bond with the little one that was already in place when you gave birth. It was all of a sudden and when they are used to having you all to themselves, having time to play video games and be essentially carefree, they are suddenly thrown into a world of doubt, worry and yes, jealousy that they can not have you to just them anymore. I see that he is a soldier and some of it may not be you. He may be terrified deep down that he is going to go across seas and then never come back. He may be not spending time with Maddie because he is afraid she will get attached and then he will have to leave? War is a very scary thing. My dad was over there for 2 years and it was hard on all of us. he didn't come back the same man, but in a way iot gave him a new appreciation for life and his family. I've spent more time with him now then when I lived with him as a kid.

Bringing up the term "marriage counsler" probably doubled those feelings. He probably thought of some quack wanting to side with you and not want to hear his thoughts or concerns and would just tell him to stop being wrong or bad, which we all know, men never really want to here.I would cool that topic a bit and take that time to locate someone you think may help that your husband might consider. I know there is a credited doctor I looked into on Auburn St that offers in office, over the phone or IM/email cousneling. He is also accepted by Anthem and Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance plans! I worded it to my husband that I felt like he was trying to communicate with me and I just wasn't understanding. I thought maybe we could go to some one that could better help me to understand what he was trying to say to me so that maybe we could learn to talk better rather than fight all the time. I noted the doctor and he seemed interested. he actually said, "Ok- make the appointment and I'll do it!" I still need to do that, but it was nice to finally get a reaction rather than him lashing out.

I think it will also help you as it sounds like the whole situation is bringing you down hard. I don't know if you have any hobbies out side of the home, but a small mommy group in the mornings can do wonders! I know there is one once a week at 10AM, but I can't rememebr the Maine Med hospital website has the info on their Choldren's Center link. You have no idea what a few hours out and away from the house gabbing it up with other women can do for the soul.

I hope this helps and I wish you luck. Hang in there and remember he loves you.

Hi,
That sounds like a stressful situation. I'm sure that's not helping the two of you either. It seems like you really need to sit down and discuss your expectations with your husband and let him discuss his with you...perhaps you both expect things but aren't clear about what you want?

I agree with the other moms that suggest you are suffering from depression. There's no shame in seeing a therapist and also getting medication if you need it. You need to take care of yourself if you're going to be able to take care of your baby. But I'd also echo what another poster said about your thyroid. Thyroid problems are very commonly associated with pregnancy. In my case my doctor discovered that I had hypo thyroidism about four months after my second son was born. I am on medication and will be for the rest of my life. There are no side effects etc., it is just producing the chemical that my pituitary gland no longer is able to. So please see a doctor.

ok I am start with this. Get this book The five love languages for you and him http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/. It helped me and my husband a little.

Then I am going to say being 23 is new, fresh and young and hard being married with a little one. I am only 28 and it is very difficult now I couldn't imagine it at 23 when I wanted to have a husband but was still learning about me.

As for the counseling you could go alone figure out you and what you need and why you are so tired. Being that you are a SAHM and he works you both see your days as hard. you want him to come home and play and possibly help clean and he wants to come home to a clean house and relax by playing video games. Not play with your daughter might be that he just doesn't know how to deal with a 1 year old that doesn't do much in his eyes. My husband loves my son and they play all the time but I also have my son tell him about his day when he gets home or I share what he did that day with him and ask my son to show him whatever he showed me and we wacth tv together and play video games together. this may help.

The house cleaning...well if you cleaned it up it might give you less stress and then he may have less stress. It might help you feel good about you because as it gets worse you will feel overwhelmed and can't figure out where to start to clean it.

I will pray for your stress, arguments and happiness. I am sure you can work it out.

Hi A.,
well, good for you for wanting to make change and to make things better for you and your family. I am wondering whether you might be having some issues with post-partum depression? You should go to your primary care doc and get checked out. It's true, having a little one to care for is very tiring, but if you are sleeping in until 11 am and having dirty diapers all over the place are possible signs of needing some help. Also, please check out your local Early Intervention program - they can help you learn best how to play with your 15 month old - she should NOT be watching TV all night - in fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 years old should not watch ANY TV - at all!!!

If your husband won't go with you to counseling, then go yourself. Your life sounds hectic, with trying to manage the baby, school your home and your family, and stressful with your not knowing if your husband will be here or sent to Afganistan soon. You need some resources to help you cope with the stress in your life, and the responsibilities of managing your child and family. counseling can be a great resource for you and a great support.

Therapists have gone to school for a long time to learn how best to help people manage challenging issues in their lives -
they are qualified to help you and your husband manage this difficult time in your marriage. You both need to find someone you feel safe with and can trust. If your husband won't go with you, then go alone. If you are both hating each other, then that is not good for a marriage or for your child.

Again, congratualtions on knowing that t hings need to change - there are so many resources out there for you. Please make those phone calls that will lead to a better life for you and your family.

Go to your primary care Dr. and talk about post partum depression
Call Early Intervention and ask for an evaluation for your daughter (services are FREE to families, and can be received in your home until your daughter turns 3 if she qualifies)
and then,
call a Therapist or a counseling center nearby to get the help and support that you need.
Also, try a local MOM's Club (google them) for some mom related fun and activities to get you and your DD out of the house! You can join a playgroup that meets weekly (free) and it is a great source of help, support and venting for most new moms!
Best of luck to you,
E.

Hi A., I know you have got a ton of responses, but I don't check this that much anymore so, I am just seeing this now. I am 27 years old w/a 3 1/2 yr. old (very active, but calmer now as he is getting older) boy. I was 23 when I had him myself and my bf and I decided for me to stay at home. He was constantly on my case also, but I did clean and do things, but not good enough for his standards (he is total neat freak). Some days I must say I did slack, but I was tired from being up all night w/the baby and didn't have the energy to do everything. Like you say you clean and the next day it's the same. I felt like that with my kitchen also. So, after cleaning the bathroom and kitchen like I did yesterday I was tired after doing it again the next day so, other things got put off. I also slept in with the baby cause I was tired and so in the morning I would try to get up, but he was sleeping til 10:00 so, I would wake up when he did. I never told him that because I know that would of pissed him off seeing that he got up at 5:30-6 every morning. He now is up at 6:00 every morning so, that doesn't last forever. My mother used to tell me he was resentful of me staying at home. I think that may be what your husband is also. They think cause your home that the house should be spotless, but they forget that you take care of the baby and that is a big responsibility and takes alot of hardwork and time. I was depressed and went on meds after a year. I think alot had to do with staying home because I was working and socializing w/adults before the baby was born. Well, we did counseling and now just got married May this year. Things can def. work so, don't give up. I would def. suggest couseling cause it's great to have that middle man who doesn't know you talk to you and figure out solutions to problems that you fight about. I am going back to school aug. 18th and am excited to get back into the real world. I feel I have done a great job starting my son out and we are both ready for him to attend preschool/daycare without worry about others caring for him. Good Luck!!!!

Hi A.,

It sucks to have spouse trouble and everyone who is married does at one time or the other. You cannot make your husband happy and if you do what you need to do to make yourself happy, he should come around. I wonder if your sleeping late and not having the energy to do housework is because you are depressed or have a medical issue. Have you seen a doctor lately? It might be a good start to figuring out how to feel better about yourself. If you need to see a counselor and your husband won't go, you can always go for yourself.
Take care of yourself and I hope things work out well with your husband.

D.

You sound depressed and just don't realize it yet. Be more active it helps! Play outside with your daughter and don't let her watch the tv. If you aren't going to clean up, then go for a walk or do crafts with her. Also, don't sleep in, it never helps. I think most woman go through a depression and a growing period at your age and you are also testing your limits with your husband. You sound like you are afraid of loosing him so fighting and agrueing is easier.

Breathe and make time for your daughter and your husband.

Work on yourself and it will help your relationship with your husband. I went through something similar at your age.

Hi A.,
I really feel for you! I won't reiterate what everyone has said about getting help for post-partum depression and going to counseling on your own if your husband won't go with you (I agree!).

What I would like to stress is something Elizabeth said about relying on mother's networks and town services for playgroups. Not only will they help provide support and wonderful friendships (you sound a bit isolated and lonely) they will lend structure to your day. Other ideas for constructive structure to the day for your little one and you are library or book store read-alongs. If you can spare the money, there are usually classes for children like movement, music, arts and crafts (yes, even that young!) offered at really reasonable prices because they are town services.

Just create a schedule as if your day at home were a work day (which it is) and stick to it as much as possible. Your daughter needs the routine and structure as much as you do. At a certain hour: bottle/meal. Then: walk/outdoor play. Then: nap. Then: bottle/meal. Then: playgroup. These are examples, but you get the idea. Every day doesn't have to be the same but every day should have as much of a plan as possible. Even if you plan a time that's open for anything, just Mommy/baby playtime. But there should be a schedule the way people who work outside the home know what they have to do each day. Housework can and should find its way in there. Neat and tidy is enough for general areas; clean and disinfected is important for kitchen, bathroom and diaper stuff. But you'll find that it doesn't take as long as you think!

You'll find as you make more friends/acquaintances at the playgroups and classes you'll start scheduling playdates too, which will be more incentive to keep a clean and tidy home.

For the nighttime routine is especially critical. Meal, bath, story/cuddly-time, and to bed. Every night! If you feel brave, tell your husband that one of those duties is his, not only so he understands what goes into caring for a baby (this you can keep to yourself) but also to strengthen the father/baby bond, which he is deprived of while he is working during the day.

If all this fails, you might consider that you're not the stay-at-home type. Which is nothing to feel badly about. (I'm not.) You may find you take better care of yourself, your home, and your family if you're fulfilled in a job outside the home, part- or full-time.

I hope this has helped. You can make it out of this!

While I agree with some of the other post here that you are depressed and the stress of being a mom can be very overwhelming... At your age I was in a very similar situation. Unfortunately mine did end in divorce but we were not for each other and I have found the love of my life now and my ex and I have a great relationship. Right now I think you need to focus on you and your little girl. Making yourself happy is what is the glue to a family and will make your little girl thrive. I would consider counseling or a life couch. When I separated I went to a life couch and he gave me the best advice "I can only control my actions and not others, I am the only person that decides my happiness so therefor I need to be the one to create it". I won't lie it did take time, there was no over night change. Have a girls night out, join a Mom's club etc... No relationship can work if you are not happy yourself... Hope this helps...

Hi A.... Wow - lots and lots here... Any interest in therapy? I know a few fabulous ones in the Nashua area.

Also - any interest in a marriage workshop? Please go to www.accd.org and look up the One Accord Workshop. I can promise you one thing - it can, and it will, save your marriage - if you want it to be saved.

I think we will be doing one on Valentines Day, Feb 2009. Let me know if you'd like more info...

Not to say that there might not be something wrong with the way your husband is behaving but.. There is a thing called postpartum thyroiditis http://healthcare.utah.edu/healthinfo/adult/Endocrine/pos... It could explain your tiredness if thats why you sleep in. It also can cause mood swings anxiety and all sorts of other emotional and physical symptoms. Its often aver looked as just being post baby stuff but it can make you feel like an absolute mess. I had it after my third and I'm still dealing with it. I know she is already a year old but the hypo side of things can become permanent and depending on when it started it can go until past the baby's first birthday. My son is 6.5 months and I've had it basically since he was born. And you never know with it what symptoms you might get not everyone gets them all or reacts the same. By the way does your daughter sleep in? My first did and I would with him some days until noon. His father and I were in college when he was born and he just jumped on our schedule. If she's sleeping don't let people make you feel bad about it everyone has their own schedule.

Hi A.,

I hope you don't see this as an insult, but as I was reading your question my mind kept saying this must be a very young woman in her early twenties.

It would seem the both of you have not adapted well to the changes that come with married life and a family. These issues can be very stressful on any couple, but a young couple who have been thrown from just beginning to be responsible for themselves, to being responsible for an entire family can be overwhelming.

Let's face, it at 23 you naturally want to dress up and go out more often. I'm sure you'd like more romance in your life and possibly even to pursue a higher education. That's not selfish, that's normal.

Staying at home with the continuous needs of a very small child is both unstimulating and tedious at times. I'm sure your husband is probably feeling the same way. Without the life experience of an older couple it is difficult to see this as time of your life that will pass and you don't know what to do to make it better.

Even very mature couples experience a change in the level of their intimacy with the birth of a baby. This change is temporary, but if you are not in this together then your relationship may not survive.

Either way, I believe in preserving the family whenever possible. I would strongly encourage counseling. If your husband will not go, go on your own. As he begins to see you change he might be more interested in trying therapy.

Your family is precious and deserves every chance to survive; this will require great effort on the part of both of you, but if this is not worth fighting for, what is?

Being a family, does not, unfortuneatly, come instinctively. In addition, today's disposable society does nothing to support young couples; but the benefits you will receive with an intact family will far outweigh any immediate gratificaton you may get by walking away. This goes for both you and your husband. Believe me the grass is not usually greener in someone else's backyard. May God bless your family.

J. L.

It sounds to me like part of the problem is depression on your part, and maybe his too. I would talk to your doctor about your lack of ambition and maybe something can be done about it. I suffer from too much clutter in my life and that, in turn, can make me depressed. It's a cycle. Don't let your child be the excuse for you not keeping up with the house (I fall into that trap sometimes). I enlist the kids to help if I can. If you gave them the option of living in a neat, picked-up house, with more room to play, versus a cluttered messy house where everyone's tripping on things, which would they pick? I realize your child is too young as yet. But you could keep the child busy with some pots and pans or something while you picked up a little. Give the child a clean rag with a little plain water on it, let him/her see you dust, and watch as he/she duplicates your movements! Make a little "tent" with a sheet draped over two chairs, put a couple toys/books inside, and show your child the special little hideaway. That will buy you some time, too. As for your marriage, try to focus on the qualities you saw in him that attracted you to him. He still has those qualities, I presume? Praise him for whatever he does to help you (mow the lawn, fix the car, whatever). Thank him for being a good provider so that you are able to stay home with your child. Many women aren't able to do that. Men eat up praise. Try to schedule some "date time" for just you and him to rekindle the spark. If you can't go out, then make a special dinner for the two of you with candlelight and "the good dishes". Things DO get stale if you don't work at them. Make the marriage a priority in your life - your child will benefit, too. Good luck!

Hi A.,
I'm to am sorry that you are going through this tourmoil in your marriage.
By your description of yourself, it sounds like a bit of depression going on with you. You might want to seek some counseling for yourself to begin with and then bring your husband in as well.
With the stress of being a mom to a baby, not working and having that social connection with others, and the stress of your husband possibly being shipped off, I can see how these stressers can effect you and him.
Have you sat with him and expressed what you believe are his feelings toward you? It might be a shock to him that you feel that way.
Good luck to you.
L.

First of all you need a schedule. Do you have to follow it everyday no but a schedule will give you the structure you need to organize the house and your life. Next you need to know you are not a bad mom or wife and that the fact you want to fix it takes great courage. Marriage is not easy and it is different for everyone. You two need to find a way to communicate. If talking is not working write things down. Ok now to the house. If your daughter is only one she still naps. If you are spending all your time with her while she is awake you need down time too, but you house also needs you. Spend 20 minutes a day cleaning up and you will be amazed how tidy your place can be. The part of the nap is your time, read a book take a nap but do what you want. When he comes home have a plan of what the three of you can do together. He has to see he is a part of this family. Take a walk maybe or play in the yard. again wanting to fix it is really the first big step.

Hi A.
So sorry to hear things are going rough for you. I know it can be hard to keep up with all the demands of being a new mom and a wife while you are worrying about your husband going off to war. I would suggest that you seek some sort of counselling on your own. While it's always a good thing for couples to get counselling together it's not the only way. From what you've described it sounds like there may be some depression issues going on.

My husband and I get into a lot of stuff like this. We're in counseling right now and it has helped a lot. Just learning how to communicate effectively makes a huge difference. You are both two different people. You have different priorities and needs than he does. So inevitably some conflicts are going to happen.

As for sleeping and not getting things done there are a lot of things that can explain it. Depression (which only gets worse when there is marital conflict), health problems like hypothyroidism, ADD, anxiety, stress, chemical imbalance. Even if you have none of these things you aren't a bad person. You just have different priorities.

Marriage is work, that is true, but there are many ways to make it easier and to improve it. Getting counseling for myself even when my husband wouldn't go has been a huge help. I feel better. I got the thing about interpersonal communication below from my counselor. It's also being used with people who have asperger syndrome (high functioning autism) to help them navigate the social world. It doesn't cost anything for you to try it.

Here is one of the most helpful things I've found. It's called DEAR MAN. That's just letters to help you remember what to do.

D - Describe the current situation if necessary (a diaper was put in a box that wasn't for trash)

E - Express your emotions (That makes me feel angry, frustrated, sad etc. whatever it makes you feel)

A - Assert yourself by asking for what you want, "Next time I want you to put the diapers in the waste basket."

R - Reinforce by explaining ahead of time the consequences "When the diapers end up in the box and I feel frustrated about it I'll want to talk about it I might feel angry. The clothing in the box will get dirty and that will waste my time when I could be cleaning up other stuff."

M- Mindful - keep focused on your objectives (don't let him distract you, be a broken record saying exactly the same thing over and over. "I want the diapers to go in the waste basket." Ignore personal attacks, threats, attempts to change the subject, comments. Don't respond at all to attacks. Just keep making your point. Keep going back to describing, expressing,asserting without making threats, bringing up past stuff or attacking.

A - Appear confident (once you get the hang of the DEAR part of this you'll just automatically feel more confident. That's how I feel anyway.

N - Negotiate - be willing to give to get. "I can move the box somewhere else and put the waste basket in a more convenient spot so you can use it more easily" or pretty much find out something that he wants.

Sometimes I coach my husband through this. When I USE it, it works GREAT. I can only change my own behavior not his. If you change your behavior, however, you are changing the contingencies in the relationship. That means the stuff he used to use to get to you, to try to defend himself or fight a battle, won't work any more. You won't be reacting to any mean things he says. You also won't be giving him fuel. If you use this you will always be appropriate and in control of yourself. If he remains out of control then really you have an advantage in the conversation. He won't stay that way for long. I just used this stuff this morning to great effect! What could have been a huge fight turned into a very productive conversation.

Here's another example from what you said in your letter. If you want him to play with your daughter more say, "When Madison sits in front of the TV so much I worry about her. I feel sad that she isn't getting to know her daddy very well." If he isn't sure how to play with her maybe you can give him some ideas. He can include her in on this he likes to do. Or he can take her for a walk. Just sitting on the floor with her while she plays with toys is a great thing. Turn off the TV and surround her with toys she likes and just sit there and respond to what she's doing. Maybe you can come up with ways that he can interact with her that he enjoys. Figure out how to use the "dear man" stuff for lots of conversations. Practice it when you're in a non-stressful situation. The more you practice it the easier it becomes.

I'd like to hear if you use this and if it works out.

M.

There isn't much that I can say that hasn't been said. First of all, sleeping until 11 with a 1 year old, should not only be impossible, but shouldn't be done. Don't get me wrong, before my daughter was born, I slept until whenever I wanted....not anymore....its not about me anymore, its about her. Second, dirty diapers on the floor!!! My husband would have done the same thing. Your daughter at 1 years old could have picked them up and put them in her mouth!!! I'm not saying I haven't left a diaper on a table somewhere, but its rare and its usually only one. I can explain the reasoning for your husbands behavior....he has worked ALL DAY, he comes home, finds a mess, which in his mind is your job to take care of. He feels like he should be able to come home and relax. I know the type, I am married to one! You guys are both so young, and in my experience, guys at 23 are the maturity of a 18 year old. Your husband probably doesn't feel that counseling is nessessary because he probably thinks all the problems are you and not him. Now with all this said, I am not trying to attack you or make you feel bad. Like some of the previous posters said, some of your behavior like sleeping in and being lazy could be signs of depression. So I would in the least, go to counseling for yourself. Get yourself in a better frame of mind before tackling a problem that might be in your marriage. And maybe when you start feeling better about yourself, you will feel better about your house and in return your husband may feel better about you.

I know I would be mad if my husband stayed home with my son and I worked all day, and he couldn't straighten up the house a little. I know that taking care of a 1 yr old is demanding, (which makes me wonder how you can sleep until 11am??), but I'm sure you could find a few minutes each day to clean a little. What if you made a schedule? Maybe during her nap time. You could build it into your day as a regular and necessary activity. It doesn't have to be hours of work. A few minutes will make a big difference in the eyes of your husband. I bet it would also make you feel better. I am certainly not the queen of clean, but I know I always feel better after I've cleaned the dirty bathroom or washed the grimy floor. I'm sure there are other issues that need to be addressed, but disciplining yourself about the housework a little more might be a first step.
Goodluck!

I agree with what Jessica said. I am also older than you & have been there done that. Sometimes the only thing that works is an ultimatum, BUT you have to follow through don't just threaten.
I have also heard these same type of complaints from other "Army wives" & hate to say this but the husband decided he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. They never bothered to talk to the wife before hand to try & work it out until it was too late. I agree with marriage counseling but if he is not willing to go what can you do? Again give him an ultimatum to go or your done.
I have to agree with your husband on one thing. You sleep until 11 am? How do you with a small child? Who is watching her or do you leave her awake for several hours in her crib?
I have a 19 month old & one on the way in early October and I never get to sleep late or even nap!
It sounds to me like you have depression? Or maybe something else going on? Do you or are you in denial? Sounds like you need a depression/anxiety medicine. I think you need to talk to your doctor about your issues, let him know you have no desire or energy to clean and you sleep a lot. Then give your husband an ultimatum you both need to communicate, grow up and get counseling NOW!
Also your daughter should not be "watching TV all the time" at night. Not good for little ones before 2 to even watch TV at all. He can get on the floor and watch her play, interact with her, play ball, read her books! Anything but you are right he needs to spend more time with her. Good luck! I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.
I just read Elizabeth K comments & her and I said basically the same thing! I think you have us all a little concerned. Go get some help & maybe join a mommy & me group so the both of you get out together with other people. She needs more stimulation and activity as well as you I think.

Could be post-partum depression......have you talked to your ob-gyn about it?

The other thing is, how can you expect him to change his behavior when it doesn't sound like you have worked on your behavior? Sometimes, the working parents do have a warped sense of how much a stay at home can get done, but if you are not even putting diapers in the trash that isn't that far away..........???? Which brings me back to the post-partum depression? Do you have some kind of support group (i.e. mom, sisters, friends, etc.) that you can talk to, or that you can say I need a little time to pull somethings together around the house, "can you come over?"

Work on you first.

I am a little confused after reading your request and then your "a little about me" post. Your request and "about me" post contradict each other. Honey, you are in denial! I think you may be depressed, maybe a little post-partum?
I am going to say some things you may not like, but someone needs to say them to you. Let me say I am not judging you, but you are young and need some advice. First of all, your child should not be watching so much TV at 1 year old, stop using the TV as a babysitter and enjoy your child. Play outside, go for walks, get out of that house. If your husband does not know how to "play", show him and plan some family outings when he is home. Children grow up fast and you need to enjoy every minute you have with them.
Waking up at 11am???? What?? How?? Again, I am confused. How do you do that with a 1 year old? Make yourself get out of bed and do something with your child, playground, walk, beach something.
Diapers go in the trash immediately, no question. That is just plain unsanitary for anyone to live in. To make this easier make a changing station for your babe and you set up with all you need and a trash can right there next to where you change your babe.
I think you need to take some more responsibility for your actions and get some help. I think your lack of energy and care come from depression, but only you can fix that. Go to your doc and talk with he/she about the way you are feeling.If you want to be a good mother you need to be emotionally healthy, take care of yourself and go to see your doc!!! I wish you the best and I hope you really take this seriously and get some help. My heart goes out to you and your family.

If my spouse was responsible for a child and slept until 11 I would be mad too. I agree with the other posters that it sounds like you might have a bout of depression. You should go to your doctor ASAP. Moms sleeping until 11 and leaving diapers strewn around is not normal behavior. You are going to have a heck of a time getting Maddie to clean up after herself if she doesn't have a good example in front of her.
I really do think you need to start with yourself and talk to your doctor. ASAP

Good luck.

Hi A.,
Sorry you're having so much trouble. It does sound like a bit of depression, which you are making worse by doing nothing. Perhaps counseling is a good idea.
I think you should also try setting up a schedule for yourself & sticking to it. This means getting up at the same reasonable time every day & doing a set list of chores for the day, taking your beautiful baby out of the house...to the playground...even just on some errands. This will give you some structure & stop you from lazing around in bed until 11 a.m.
Your husband is working hard to support you & your daughter. Your job right now is as a stay-at-home mom...which means you take care of the household. There should never be clutter, messy rooms, etc. If you have time to sleep until practically the afternoon, then you definitely have time to hold up your end of this bargain.
My husband & I both work full time, but he has the luxury of taking one day per week as a paternity day. I am responsible for most of the household duties - that's just the way it works out & my house is always neat & clean. But I know that when I come home on the day he has had off & I find the house a mess, I get so mad! It's his job, when not working outside the house, to keep the house neat & clean. So it's your job to keep up with the housework. If you treated any other job the way you treat this very important one, you would be fired!
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but like another mom said below...you need a reality check.
Good luck. I truly hope you and your husband work this out.