Husband Hating

Hmmm.

I had a husband like that.

He is now my ex.

We tried counselling and his expectation was that I would be "fixed".

I got fixed. I got single with two kids and haven't regretted a day of the last 15 years.

Just my opinion.
Hopefully it can work out better for you.

Best wishes.

Sometimes they don't know how much we do until we are no longer there.
I am NOT saying to leave him, but a good, long girl's weekend may be in order.
Don't clean or shop or prep meals or do ANYthing to make it easier on him.
Just go, take a few days off (go to a spa if you can afford it!) and relax.
Let him deal with two little girls full time for two or three days, then he'll "get" it.

Counseling. For you if he won't go.

What I also did when DH accused me of not doing anything (and I WAH, too) was make a list. He didn't like that. Said it felt like an employee reporting to him. I said, "So how do you think I feel?" There was also a time when he had 2 really bad bosses and when he came home complaining about how he should just go get an apartment of his own so he wouldn't see our mess (mine, DD's and the two teenage/grown kids), I basically said, "Go ahead." He didn't, but that was a low point for us.

Sounds like there is a lot going on here and counseling is probably ultimately necessary... In the meantime, I'll share with you what jumped out at me most about your situation: the first thing you list that he says is that "no one is ever grateful and how he provides everything for our family". You also spend a lot of time talking about all you do for the family, that he does not seem to acknowledge or appreciate.

Before things got to the tense point they are at today, did either of you make a regular, conscious practice of noticing, acknowledging and appreciating things that the other did? Anything, big or small, goes a looooooong way toward making each other feel valued. They don't need to be out-of-the-ordinary things either. Just the normal everyday stuff that you both do anyway. The more specific the better.

"Hey, thanks so much for doing the lasagna dishes tonight! I know melted cheese is a pain." (yes, even if it's normal for that person to do the dishes)
"I really appreciate that you are so good at getting our bills payed early every month. Thanks for being so on top of things."
"I noticed that you took the garbage out before bed. Thank you so much! Now the kitchen won't smell like salmon in the morning."
"I'm so proud of how far you've taken your business in just two years! Remember when you were unsure of how it would turn out? Now look at you!"

The kicker is that these things need to go both ways, but if you were willing to at least start the habit (and it does need to become a habit), perhaps your husband would be willing to try from his end, too.

In my opinion, feeling valued in your relationship is one of the most important aspects of being in a healthy relationship. I would even go so far as to say feeling valued may be more important than love (well, equal at least ;). Sounds like you are both hardworking, contributing partners, but you both are frustrated that the other doesn't recognize that. See what you can do to turn that around.

I went on a trip, for 2 weeks. It forced him to do everything I normally did, and it really opened his eyes.

My husband was a jackass most of last year. We were on the other end of it though because he had lost his job and wasn't really trying to get another. But we had many major blowouts and he was really mean to me and set myself and my daughter on edge. I was packing to leave.

But then we went to counseling.

Now, while we still have a long way to go, we are much happier. We're in couples counseling together and individual counseling by ourselves. We are learning to communicate better and he is valuing what I do and is appreciative now.

Counseling. If he won't go with you- go by yourself. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. I promise. Good luck to you. Hugs.

Tell him that it's time to go to couples counseling and maybe anger management counseling as well. I'm with Shane B-- I *had* a pigheaded husband.... now I have one with a human head and a good heart.

You may not be able to fix your marriage, but you can fix yourself and your life. Put the money you earn into a separate account now, just your name on it. Tell him that you can spend the money on counseling or on a divorce, but if he doesn't believe your job has value then the money shouldn't matter, now, should it?

I would also suggest counseling. Unfortunately it's too easy for men who are working and have wives at home to imagine that we just spend our days relaxing and enjoying ourselves, and basically remain clueless. Even with the both of us working full-time, if it happened to be a day during the week where he was working and I had it off (and our daughter is in school from 8 to 3), he seemed to have this idea that I didn't do anything all day long except play on the computer - when the reality was I drove DD to school, that I cleaned up the kitchen, did some laundry, went grocery shopping, got some dinner going in the slow-cooker, ran some other errands, picked up DD, helped her with homework, took her to dance, etc. You get the idea. HE is the one that when he has time off, is just sitting watching TV for hours on end.

The simple fact is that he doesn't appreciate or respect what you do, and if you can convince him to see a marriage counselor with you, it might help with communication and other issues that have brought you to this point. If he won't go, go by yourself - sometimes you can get some tools for how you can try to communicate with him better when you get this way. Ask him what exactly he expects of you since he apparently can't see what you are doing already. But you might want to consider making it clear to him that he needs to change the way he sees you and interacts with you, or you may decide you are better off on your own.

Better yet, if he is off on a weekend, decide to take a weekend for yourself - go away with some friends from Fri night to Sun night, and leave him with the kids. And a list of everything he needs to get accomplished since you won't be there to do it.

The cure for this? You take a weekend away ( or at least out of the house--alone for Sat & Sun. It makes the point REALLY fast. Express fast.
Good luck.

If he won't go to counseling, go yourself. Tell the counselor what is going on. Get the counselor's opinion...

I know somebody that is going through a similiar situation....Her father-in-law did the same thing to her MIL. It was a learned behavior that her husband grew up with and just continued it...when the kids were born.

Continue excercising ! It's good for health and stress !

Exact same scenario. I took a different route. No respect, no wife. Taking him to the cleaners for all of that money he loves so much. I get $5000.00 a month and no snide remarks!

I can relate. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years now. I had a decent job before our girls were born, but when considering the cost of full-time child care it didn't make sense for me to go back to work. Now that they are starting school we are expecting a (surprise) third child.

Any time my husband comes home and finds the house in less-than-perfect condition we have the typical "what do you do all day" argument. Any time there is an opportunity for him to golf on the weekend or be out of the house for hours on end he makes plans without consulting me, or sometimes, without even telling me until the night before. As if I am just expected to be here and never to have a life or plans of my own. Whenever I complain or bring this up I get the stock response of "I work so hard during the week..." as if what I do is somehow less of a job and I don't need time to MYself. How dare I even suggest it (not in so many words, of course). And that when I can get a job making as much as he does then I will be entitled to come and go as I please too. This was extremely hurtful and felt very sexist, especially since my husband is otherwise a very caring and understanding man.

Things changed for the better about a year ago when he took a job that has him working out of our house for most days. He now sees exactly what it is I do all day, and what I have to contend with as far as the children are concerned. He has started encouraging me to spend time with friends. Although, with the new baby on the way the financial stress has ramped up again, it is still not nearly as bad as it was 2 years ago.

I hope time and communication can heal what is ailing your marriage. We were seriously considering counseling before the new job. I believed it would help him to actually LISTEN to my side and see it's not all bon-bons and soap operas over here. Maybe that would be worth a shot for you? I know that we are not alone, it is the most stereo-typical fight for a married couple to have. Good luck!

Counseling really really helps with this kind of thing.

Girl Outdoors said it right. You and he need to develop the "attitude of gratitude". You need to realize your "work" at home being a SAHM is probably the most valuable work you or any mom could do and is at least as valuable as the money your husband brings in. You don't need to contribute financially to be a valuable contributor to the family.

BUT, you need to thank him on a regular basis for bringing home the bacon. Husbands thrive on being able to buy things for their wives. It fulfills a need to be the provider. But it only fulfills the need if the one he is providing for acknowledges what he is providing.

I bet if you were to thank him for the things he gives you and tell him how much you appreciate him and what he is able to provide for you and your kids, he would quit working so hard and quit spending so much time at work. He would also probably become more of a companion and help more around the home. Then you could teach him to appreciate the things you do and vocalize those feelings.

When you take your kids shopping with you, take the time to teach them what you are doing. When my kids were little, I would take them shopping with me (except the one that was nursing) and taught them about frugal shopping and how to shop the sales. I have taken all 8 of my kids with me and because I taught them right, taking them with me was no big deal. Yes, I had 8 kids and I took them shopping with me all the time. (I took all the kids shopping with me so my wife could have some alone time if she wanted. My wife hates shopping.)

If you are the mom that feels you have to bribe your kids with toys or candy or treats so they will behave, then shopping with just two kids will always be an ordeal and something to dread. I always taught my kids that good behavior was expected and the norm. Bad behavior was never rewarded with a toy or treat (so they would be good). If you reward bad behavior, you will get more bad behavior.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the companion manual, "Love Dare". It will help improve your marriage tremendously. Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You will be amazed on how quickly your husband's attitude will change.

Good luck to you and yours.

This is the sign that you do too much for him and too little for yourself. Yes, I mean it. Start doing your nails, exercise more, take more break, treasure yourself. Do less for him, so he can actually feel what is it you doing. You let him devalue you, your work, your time - take it back! You gave it to him, you can take it all back. I am doing the same, BTW, my husband discovered that breakfasts do not just appear out of nowhere, that there are chores to be done (I made lists), house is to be cleaned, etc. The only thing I am not delegating - is my children, I love them too much to put them in the harms way or to make them a learning tool for a fool, but everything else, can burn, as far as I care. My husband actually stepped up...frustrated like hell, but coping, picking up the slack, so to speak, or paying others to do the job, whatever...Good luck to you.

It sounds like both of you are incredibly stressed out. You both need down time and time to reconnect with each other. You need pampering time and family time. Neither of you is appreciating the other right now, and you both need to hear and feel appreciated and loved.

So. If you want to start on the way to moving forward... do you want to be married or do you want to be right? Are you willing to tell your husband about your feelings without accusing him or calling him names? Can you tell him what you want and what you're missing while also telling him what you're thankful about? Can you express that the fact that you want to spend time with him means you still love him and isn't a criticism of him... it's a request to be at home more so that you can reconnect and find joy together again.

Find time to talk about the things that made you fall in love in the first place. Talk about the fun times you had on early dates and in the days before children and when the children were small. Talk about everything you love about being married and about him. The more you can talk about what you love and what you like, the easier it will be to reconnect.

You fell in love for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see those reasons when we're too busy... and it's easy to blame each other and fight without resolving anything. I learned a new tactic a year ago... I stopped fighting.

Counselling or take the weekend off, if you can. Give a weeks notice, Friday night to Sunday night you are OFF. Leave the house, get a room at a hotel, visit a spa and treat yourself. He'll learn quick just what it is you do all day at home.

Good luck!

I first want to say, even though my situation was different, I had the same resentful type of fighting in my marriage. I thought he wasn't grateful for what I did for kids and I was the only one keeping up with the house, etc. He thought I was not happy with anything he did, and so on.
I was miserable. Anyway, to the point, sorry, a friend told me about a few books that she read that really helped her marriage. So being desperate for a happy marriage, I finally read them.
One is called, "The power of a Praying Wife." The other one is called, "How to become the Woman of His Dreams".

Both books make great points- You can't change your man without changing your attitude first. It has a christian perspective, but so helpful. I thought for sure I would leave my husband, and now we finally get along and respect one anothers needs more than ever in the past. My marriage and my life has changed.
(Everyone at work commented on how I seem so happy and positive.)
We are still a work in progress, but all I can say, is the power of prayer and a change of attitude goes a long way. Take it from me. Everyone thought we were finished.
It won't hurt to read it and try it for yourself. You really have nothing to lose. You deserve each others respect and love, and appreciation.

Good LUck.

You mention that he hardly spends any time with you and your family. Is that because he is working? Or is he spending that time elsewhere doing something else? If it's due to working, i would suggest that he needs to set a time to "de-stress." He may be moody/volatile from being stressed out, and coming home to an unhappy wife doesn't exactly help. There are numerous questions (and answers) on here about how to "deal" with your husband when he doesn't "help" with the household when he gets home from work....and just as many about understanding that you BOTH "deserve" a break from the house/kids.

It sounds like both of you are frazzled and taking it out on each other. You both work hard, and neither feels like their hard work is recognized/appreciated by the other. As Girl Outdoors said, you may have to be the one to "kickstart" it (and don't expect your husband to respond right away! it takes time to "undo" all of this). It will suck at first. You'll be mad because you're going to be soooo kind and appreciative, and he'll just be the same. Keep at it. Communicate with your husband in a loving manner.

Good luck!