Husband Vs. Daughter Battle

Remind me....what do you need him for again?

I think my tolerance level for bs must be little or nothing. If you pay the bills and he doesn't pull his own weight around the house, he has lost all right to an opinion. His actions aren't out of love. They are out of self loathing. I would explain it exactly as you have to us. --- Hey buddy, you have some work to do. 1) show me you intend to be my partner in this business of marriage 2) you need to apologize to baby girl and stop riding her all the time.

Steer clear of him and get a divorce as soon as possible. He is not going to change - EVER. You and you daughter deserve better than the likes of him.

You managed to get out - now I would stay out. Consult an attorney. I wonder how much of your daughter's depression is because of him. My husband and I have a 3 year old daughter and if something ever happened to us, and I happened to get involved with another man, and he was doing and saying these things to her, I would not tolerate it for 1 single second.

Please please don't go back. You are out of a bad situation. He is abusive and it's a really horrible environment for both you and your daughter.

He is NOT going to change. He is NOT going to change. He is NOT going to change.

You are so lucky your daughter is such a good kid in spite of his being so hard on her. Get your and her life back on track.

You don't need him.

I think you should stand by your daughter. His constant criticism of her over the years was abusive, and she needs your support to recover. Call me cynical, but when he says he wants you back, do you think that he just really misses his meal ticket?

Counseling for your daughter might also be helpful. Your husband has been a poor role model over the years. Girls often grow up to marry men a lot like their fathers (or father figures). Would you want to see her married to someone like him? She seems to be thriving in his absense. I don't think you should set her progress back by returning to that toxic household.

Plus, I don't get the sense that your heart is in the whole idea of going back. Perhaps this is the best move for you as well.

2 questions.

1. Are you better off with him or without him?

2. Would you ever want your daughter to be married to man like this and treat her daughter the way he treated her?

There is your answer.

Your out, stay out. Your daughter deserves better and so do you. You said yourself you can support yourself, so continue doing it and take this time to be there for your daughter. I lived with a step father who was an a$$ as well and it took a tremendous toll on my relationship with my mom. You only get one daughter men will come and go. He is crushing her self esteem and is crushing her spirit, something that a girl suffering from depression does not need to live with. Put yourself and your daughter first and move on. Good luck!!

I usually wouldn't jump to this solution with such limited info. but I would say stay where you are and seperate yourself from him. I think you are better off without him. Try to seperate your daughter from the equation for a second. Would you want to be with him if she were off at college somewhere? It doesn't really sound like he contributes to your marriage. I really can't imagine wanting to be married to someone who sits in a recliner smoking and watching tv all day. Put yourself first and decide if that is the life you want for yourself for the rest of your life. It seems it would be best to move on while you have the chance. Are you happy? People don't change much and chances are he will still be doing the same thing in 10 years. You could have a great life with someone who contributes to your relationship. Best of luck, I know it is easier said than done.

I'm not trying to be rude or questioning his love for you, but what does he really miss. Does he miss you paying the bills, and your daughter doing housework? Does he miss dictating his family? It was just my previous experience with my ex husband, that when he said he missed me, what he really missed was me supporting him, cleaning up after him, taking care of everything, the routine and ease of life for him, but not really me.
I think you wrote out what you want, need and feel very clearly. Maybe you should write a very long letter explaining what you explained to us, to him. You and your daughter should attend counseling together, especially if she was already diagnosed with depression before this incident. If you had just met me, and I told you your kid isn't a good kid because she doesn't do volunter work, what would your reaction be to me? It's a sad statement coming from a man who has known her since she was 3.
I think you did the right thing, your daughter may be of legal age, but she's still a child and still needs guidence starting in young adulthood. She's not getting the right type of guidence at your husbands house. Good Luck, and hang in there!

Going back will send a clear message to your daughter: "You're not as important as he is. I will let him treat you (and me) this way, and get away with it." Is this true? After reading your posting, I don't think so. It sounds like you did the right thing - you need to protect your daughter, your first responsibility. You're doing that now. If you go back, you won't be.

Not that the marriage has to be over. If your husband agreed to seek family therapy with you (while you live in another home-don't move back first!), find a job, and possibly get therapy on his own as well (he may be depressed), you might eventually be able to save the marriage. But first, your husband has to be able to admit that he was wrong and that he needs help. Don't let him talk you back into the home - if he does take the necessary steps, wait until your family therapist tells you he is ready to have you back in the home. I would be surprised if it happens, but you never know. Good luck.

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You did the right thing. He is an abusive person to your daughter. Stay where you are and tel him to get a job and pay for his house. You should be able to tell him what is wrong. Even though he should already know!! Do not ever bring your daughter back into that house, it will just get worse for her.

Never go back to him. After someone treats you and your daughter like that, they are not worth it. I know it is hard, but you will be better off later on. He will never stop blaiming his problems on everyone but himself.

Don't go back until he gets some initiative to get a life! That is so not fair. I don't know him but he may only want you back to pay the bills and take care of the house while he continues to sit in that recliner. If he really loved you he would get a job and help you out. Stay where you are at for now. If he makes a change and you trust things are getting better and want to go back, maybe your daughter should look into getting a roommate and keeping the apartment.

Actually, I wouldn't have been able to stay as long as you did considering the way he treated your daughter. If counseling is out of the question, file for divorce.
He sounds like he is :
1. Depressed
or
2. Has an addiction of some sort

His behavior/lifestyle doesn't sound typical to me.

If he sits in a recliner all day and does no cooking, cleaning, laundry, and just orders your daughter around then he is just plain lazy. You say he takes care of the yard but yet expects your daughter to do the weedeatng...again, he is lazy.

My first thought when he said he missed you both...he misses his cigarettes, his cook, someone to pick up after him, etc.....

You can have bad health and still pick up after yourself. I would talk to a lawyer and get your house back. You own it and if it was paid for before you married him then he cannot get any part of it. If it wasn't paid for until after you were married then that could be a problem hence why you need to talk to a lawyer.

You definitely did the right thing by protecting your daughter and getting away from him. Please stay away from him since he is abusive.

There is safety in the multitude of counselors and a lot of people are telling you the same thing.

He is abusive to your daughter. It's either him or her and I think you are choosing her which is the right choice. Stand tall mom, and get out. She needs you to show her how not to be a door mat.

Your daughter seems to be doing GREAT and becoming an awesome person you shlould be so proud! Dealing with that kind of negativity at this stage in her life could cause seriouse long term affects, however if this is the relationship you choose to be in , at some point she would have to come around to that idea and learn to deal with their problems and let some of them go for the sake of your happiness, I really hope your husband honestly misses you because then he would be more willing to make the changes required to rebuild the home, try writing him a letter explaining the ways both you and your daughter feel mistreated. Sometimes you remember the small stuff that really adds up to a big thing just by forgetting to bring them up in your discussions with eachother... just a thought

I know you received a ton of responses. My heart goes out to your daughter. How could a man treat a little girl so mean and feel good about himself. For her to be on medication because he never grew up and acted like a man, hurts my heart. Laurie A and Margie M raise GREAT points and questions. If he truly wants you back, tell him he has to go to counseling and give him a list of things that you feel need to be changed. If he gripes about the cost tell him to contact Legal Aid. He can get help if he really wants it. Don't subject your daughter to that. It almost sounds as if he either a. resents her or b. has done something sexually to her at some point and treats her mean to keep it supressed. The Bible says a man who does not work is not fit to stay. He can do something. Then don't go back until he shows improvement. Only pay the bills where you and your daughter stay. He will tap the money if his lights and water get cut off. I'm all for saving the marriage if you can because God wants us to. However, you are all your daughter has and she needs to know that you love her and are concerned. Even if she is 19, your husband has caused her to have the issues that she has now and she will need a supportive mom. I'll pray for you and your family.

I've written a response twice only to have it disappear, but it boils down to...

Run far! Run fast!

I would suggest that whatever you choose to do...do not base any decision on emotion. He has betrayed the role he held as your daughter's father-figure and managed to gradually over the years gain control of the life you entrusted to him. In a sense, he has even dictated the responses you have to his patterns of irresponsible and abusive behavior. Seeing this situation from the outside seems very black and white to me...however, I'm sure that by living it, you have created some gray areas for yourself to explain away his actions and inactions to keep your family together this long. You were right to have left. Your daughter has lived her entire childhood in the presence of this man who has shaped her perspective of herself and the world. Though she is 19, she will need your strength and help to re-train her life. Don't go back. He stole your daughter's chldhood and robbed her of who she was supposed to be.

I agree with Margie. You have to keep in mind that he has been abusive to your daughter, and its taking her frustration with her, or that's how it looks to me. I wouldn't go back. I don't think he really misses you, as much as I think he needs something from you, whether its company, or someone to help him clean, or some other things. Be very careful, and really give it some thought, I would personally advice against it.
I hope you find this helpful.
Good Luck!!