I Believe He Is cheating....AGAIN

I am there with ya...I have 4 kids and work and go to school full time and my husband doesnt help a lot so in saying that I know how you feel; how tired you are etc...I left my husband in may not for the reasons that you are experiencing but others that are just as draining. I moved back in a month ago for many reasons but when I left it was a mind opening experience for myself. I am not telling you to leave him although I will say that yes you are right, what makes you right is that he kept it from you. It may all very well be innocent but withholding information doesnt do a lot for trust, and when there isnt trust there isnt much and its even more draining then the schedule you already have going on. I would love to talk to you, because what we have been through has been so hard but one thing I learned is I have to take care of myself and not worry so much about him and thats a delicate thing in a marriage where both people are not getting needs met already. I didnt really understand that until I left and I would love to spare you that pain if you would like to talk....email me if you ____@____.com

Hi D.:

First, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. I don't have advice but it does make a person wonder why would he get mad and defensive, try to blame you, and then meet her without you knowing if it is all "innocent"?

I wish you the best.

T.

D.,
www.cheaters.com
Good Luck!!

He should not be yelling at you for doing something so sneaky behind your back... And what is with the myspace?? Married with children and he has time for that?? If you feel he is cheating and he is acting like that; you need to find out, and the only way is to check on him.

My Mom found my dad cheating by following him. My friend hired an investigater, and there are lots out there to hire. You need comfort and closure. A marriage is hard enough, but having my space and a lady friend is know way to help your marriage.

D. G.

You are 100% right, don't back down!

Hi D.,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It certainly is not the best feeling to go through. Don't give up... keep fighting for your marriage i know its hard, but for the kids sake just swallow your pain and try to work it out. From what you've said I don't think you're a "control freak" There is nothing wrong in what you did.
I'm not sure what your spiritual standpoint is, but I recommend going to some Christian Counseling if possible take him as well. If not, atleast go by yourself and be able to openly talk to someone who isnt on either side. You will be amazed on how the Lord can work miracles in his life and in your marriage.
Good luck!!

He lost the right to have private firenships with memebers of the opposite sex when he cheated the first time. If he has been unfaithful before and is serious about making the family situation better he should be completely open about his life so that you are able to rebuild trust. The fact that he is doing this behind your back, AND gets holier than thou about it is a huge sign that he isn't committed to reetablishing trust. Counseling is the way to go, if he won't go by yourself. Getting to the root of why he is looking for intimacy (sex or otherwise) away from you is the only way to stay together.

If you Google the phrase, emotional affair, you will find lots of information to support you, and it might open your husband's eyes.

It sounds like he needs to figure out what he really wants in life and make a firm committment.

God bless you...marriage isn't easy and doesn't always "feel good," but that's what makes it a unique relationship: you stay committed to each other through the hard times, and it makes the good times much better than it could be with anyone else. I wish the best for you and your husband. He definitely needs some help. And it sounds like your life is challenging enough without this - my heart goes out to you and I'm saying a prayer for you. Hang in there.

D., I'm sorry you're struggling in your marriage, and it sounds like you are carrying quite a load w/ a full-time job and being the main source for raising 4 children.

You said he's cheated before, right? I honestly believe the only way your marriage can be redeemed (and it can) is through Biblical counseling. I've recently gone through it separtely from my husband b/c he wouldn't go, but God worked a miracle in my marriage. We were on the verge of separation, and a good friend took me by the arm and lead me to a biblical counselor (they counsel for free!), and I began working on me (the only one I can control), and God began working through me.

After 3 months of soley working on me w/o saying a whole lot to my husband (biting my tongue was and is the hardest thing I've had to learn to do), praying, and asking many to pray for me, God began to change my husband's heart!

Today (4 months later) we are on the biggest incline we've been on since we've married. We laugh, play, flirt, joke, go on dates, and are having sweet sex for the first time ever in our marriage.

If we didn't have children I probably wouldn't have stuck it out, but they were my glue and now I'm so thankful! God is good. He's still in the business of doing miracles.

If I can point you in the direction of a biblical counselor, let me know.

In Him,

A.

the fact that HIS indescretion is something he's trying to make YOU feel guilty about is a "guilty" plea in my book. If it weren't worth hiding, he wouldn't have... the fact that he got immediately defensive and tried to make YOU feel bad -- just throws up all the red flags I'd need...

:(

D., Cheating again???? So i guess you have gone thorough this before? i had a cheating ex and and gave in time after time after time... I mean im sure you love him but if he is cheating he NOT going to just stop... so.. please try to get out you would be much happier i know iam... good luck

T.

Forgive me if I'm coming off too personal....I don't know your religious preference or whatever, but the first thing it sounds like you need to do (just my opinion) is to get alone down on your knees and PRAY. Cry out to GOD with all that you have because it seems that your situation with your husband and your children is beyond any advice that anyone can give you except the LORD HIMSELF. I noticed that you said you think he's cheating AGAIN....How long have you two been married? Was it ever discussed of how you would handle friends of the opposite sex? I don't feel you're being controlling because you have necessary evidence to be suspicious, but I also have learned lessons in jumping to conclusions.

Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Not talking to your husband isn't the solution though because IF he were to be cheating, you're giving him like the freedom to do so by pushing him away. He would feel almost compelled to run to the arms of another woman because you two are fighting for comfort. Have ya'll tried counseling? You just need to calm down and take some time for yourself. Gather your thoughts, and choose your battles wisely too. Is myspace really worth throwing your marriage away? Do you trust your husband? What does your heart believe? What about your children?

Like I said, gather your thoughts so that you can calm down. Once you do gather them go and "TALK" to your husband, not confront or argue with. Men don't respond well when they feel they're being interogated. How do I know so much, take it from a divorced single mother who had to learn the hard way about relationships. I hope this answers your questions or at least helped you think about a few things a little better. If you would like to talk more, my work email is: ____@____.com I will also be praying for you for GOD to show you clearly how to deal with and handle this situation.....

Hi D.!! I'm sorry you are going through this...whether it's innocent or not, it is painful and frustrating. How would he feel if the positions were reversed? I don't think there is anythign wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but when you keep it a secret...well?? Also, if it's so innocent, why did he get SO upset? I don't mean to upset you, but just stating somethings to think about. I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes the way it should!

God Bless you!
T.

Hi D.,

Im so sorry you are going through this...how frustrating and painful! Im not sure I have any guidance for you, but I have to say the fact that a) he hid his conversations to her from you and b)he got SOOO mad and defensive when you asked him about it are red flags to me. It tells me he is hiding something and knows its wrong. Im not saying he is cheating on you, but he not comfortable with something there. I dont think you are wrong and as far as I can tell dont think you are over-reacting. Im afraid I dont have any guidance or next steps for you...Im sure some of the other Mamas will have something fruitful. I just wanted you to know I think you are right to be suspicious.

Good luck!
A.

I'm so sorry you are facing this but for all the reasons you yourself pointed out...is huge red flags. And you have no reasons to feel guilty, its not like you went snooping you were innocently doing something that led you to more questions and of course you had every right to look for answers and I'm afraid it looks as if you got them. Miracles do happen and people do change but not unless they want too. Sometimes you have to hit bottom to change or see the light maybe you need to give him a push into the light...pack his bag, shake him up, make him feel that he could possibly lose his family because of his inappropiateness(sp). Then sit back, pray and make an appointment with a counseler and give him the choice to go also, if he doesn't go you need to. Get help for you and what you are dealing with and I bet he could have a chnge of heart. If he doesn't you are doing what you need to for you and your kids but I really believe people can change and there is always hope but doing nothing is letting him off believing that you accept his behavior...pack his bag let him know this is unacceptable behavior...if you don't have the trust you are going to have to start building it back up and that will take some time but not without action. I wish you all the best, T.

This book saved my relationship. Be open minded about it!!

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...

Like I said, don't look at the title and think "No way! It's HIS fault!" Be open minded; it certainly can't hurt, right?

Good luck to you.

If there wasn't anything wrong with meeting her then why didn't he tell you about her? Why the sneaking around. Don't let him turn this around on you. What he did was deceitful and not deserving of your trust, so of course you have a right to be angry. Any relationship is built on trust. If you don't have it -your relationship will suffer. Don't let him turn this around and blame you. He needs to accept full responsibility for his actions.

The way a guilty person acts when accused is to accuse the other of misconduct... he's turning the tables back to you to avoid the scrutiny of his own behavior, because he's hiding something. Unfortunately I know what it's like to be the one cheating... and, in my opinion, he's definitely telling you just enough truth to look good, and lying about the rest. I'd either hire a private investigator, or call that show "Cheaters."

Hi D., I am really sorry to hear about your situation. You must feel sick inside.

Since you asked, I would say he is definitely cheating and don't let him make you feel bad about his inappropriate behavior. Even if he is not sleeping with her, there is such a thing as emotional cheating. It is like a full blown affair, but no sex.

I would suggest counseling as well. I see a lot of people recommended Christian counseling to you. If that is your belief system, I say go for it. If you have different beliefs, then I'd encourage you to get counseling....if he is not willing to go, you should. You are worth it and deserve it to be in an equal and loving partnership.

I have a theory about cheaters - once a cheater - always a cheater. Just the fact that he "hid" this from you, tells me it is not innocent. Why hide it? Trust and honesty are the foundation for marriage. I wish you the best of luck, but I would be very cautious - especially if he has cheated before.