My husband thinks he's being supportive of my decision to have a tummy tuck... but we can't have a conversation about it without him saying something like 'well, since you're doing this, I will need this'... he wants (not needs) $900 tires for his Jeep.
Here's the thing. I'm already having a very hard time justifying spending the money for this surgery on myself. He knows this. I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me into buying him tires (which we can't afford both the surgery AND the tires).
Here's another thing: he would have his OWN money to spend on tires if he had any responsibility with money... but he doesn't. He's wasteful and reckless with money. I told him before we got married that his debt and bad money habits were never, ever going to be my problem.
I get that we're married and 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours'... but again, he knew beforehand that when it comes to anything outside of the family as a whole, financially, I am not his sugar mama and I am not paying for his mistakes.
I feel like he's almost blackmailing me, like, if I get the tummy tuck, he WILL get these tires. I almost feel threatened and intimidated.
He's held money 'hostage' before... like when it comes time to pay bills, if I don't rearrange our finances so he can get something he wants, he'll go buy it anyway, then leave me with late bills and unpaid rent or no groceries. Seriously. And this is a 40 year old man (almost, in April).
Even his own mother made it perfectly clear that I am not to share a bank account with him, because she knows how horrible he is with money. He's very much into having things handed to him and not working for them; instant gratification.
I see it as, he's being supportive of my surgery decision because he wants to get something out of it himself.
He says that I HAVE to support him as well, since he's supporting me, and that makes it mutual respect and support.
SO... I'm super bummed out. What do I do? NOT get the tummy tuck (which, you may have already read, I'm having because I HAVE to fix my abs, HAVE TO, for medical reasons)... Get the tummy tuck and hope he doesn't pull any financial sh!t? What do I do?
I feel really trapped and disappointed right now.
@Jim, that's a great compromise, I'm not against the tires, I don't mind fitting them into the budget for NEXT time. But surgery and tires are not going to happen in the same year!
Thanks to everyone who recommended counseling, we're CURRENTLY going to counseling, have been going to counseling...
@Victoria, I have suggested that before (my brother is/was a financial advisor too!) but he doesn't think he needs it! Which is pretty worrisome to say the least ;) He's never been able to manage his own money before; he'll admit it. I've even saved every. single. receipt. for everything, each month, add them up and itemize it so he knows what we have/don't have... nothing. He never had anything to show for 'his money'. He won't save receipts. Then he thinks it's my fault when there's no money!
Thing is, we rarely argue about money. We're not even arguing about it now... but I know he's going to literally pitch a temper tantrum over this. I'm going to go by Jim's advice and not say no to the tires, just 'not right now' to them ;)
You have my empathy. My dh uses similar tactics and he's in his 40s. It's like they're competing with high school buddies. Hugs, and good luck.
Hey R., have you ever done any sort of financial planning or budgeting class with him? It really does sound like he just doesn't want to grow up when it comes to money. Lots of people don't want to, but then we see what that can get them in the long run, right? (how many people bought houses they couldn't afford because "the bank told them they could afford it"... uh... it wasn't the bank's fault that that person didn't do a very good job of assessing what they could or could not afford, is it? Someone said, yeah the numbers support us loaning you some money... and the folks borrowed as much as they were allowed to, in many cases--not what they could AFFORD).
I know you have seen on this board many discussions about financial issues and the Dave Ramsey plan. I am not a fan of his hokey, good old boy humor, nor even all the religion he mixes in with his advice. In my opinion, he is mixing up what his vocation is when he gets into all that. But whatever. His FINANCIAL advice is good. And he has a lot to say about not just money, but PEOPLE and how they operate within relationships when it comes to money.
A lot of VALID things. It might be very worth your time (yours and your husband's) if you would take one of those classes (financial peace). Try to look past the hokey humor, and ignore the religious aspect if you want, but listen to what he says about two people handing money TOGETHER. It really doesn't work any other way.
Good luck.
And, btw, you need the medical procedure. Have it done. But I would try to word it differently around him---call it your abdominal repair, not a "tummy tuck"--even if that it what it is, because when you SAY tummy tuck, it brings something frivolous to mind, even if it (in your case) is not.
;)
The fact that he throws a "temper tantrum" about money issues (even on occasion) should be enough to make him see that you guys need to have a PLAN and he needs to be involved in it. It isn't fair (or healthy) for him to make YOU do all the heavy lifting when it comes to finances. He only has to be involved when he wants something? and then he leaves it to you to tell him "no" so he can blame you. He's making you into his mother and that is NOT healthy. You guys need to recognize that, so you can move past it. If you are already in counseling for other issues, this might fit into that and you guys might be missing an important piece, here. My husband is pretty decent with money when he is paying attention, but for years he "let" me take care of it and would get upset when I told him we couldn't do something he wanted to do or if he'd ask about the balance on a credit card bill and wonder how that happened? Because he was shirking his responsibility as part of our marriage when it came to finances. Not because he is a bad guy--he's great!-- but because we had mutually agreed to let him shirk. After going thru the Financial Peace, and doing several budgets together after that... he doesn't shirk like he used to. We have a plan. And it isn't ME in 'control' of our money. I do the bookwork, be we control it together. BIG difference and it plays out in other aspects of our marriage that we weren't even aware of, too.
He's keeping score, thats never a good idea. Money can be a tough subject for some couples. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Keep your plans, he'll get over it. If you can't afford the tires, you can't afford the tire. PERIOD
Now if the tires can be the next 'budget' item, then so be it. Good luck.
First of all $900. For tires?
He needs to grow up and realize your health or the health of your children will always be the priority. Marriage is not always equal. And how a medically needed procedure does not need to be balanced.
He and you also needs to start saving for a home for all of you.
Leasing, renting is giving your money to someone else.
Until you two sit down and really make long term goals, this liviving from one emergency to another, is not good use of your time and money. Make this list so that it is a visual reminder. Refer to it, when you become tempted to waste it.
Tires wear out. Even the $900. tires. If he needs tires for safety,
I am sure he can find good tires for a lot less. They may not be cool, but come on, do you guys really care what others think about you?
Most grown ups do not care.
Make a list of priorities of what you guys want for your children.
May it be.....
A stable home that is theirs in a good neighborhood with good schools. Maybe for them to be able to go on a nice vacation each year, maybe attend camp, extra sports, scouts, attend college.
Maybe owning your own businesses, being able to have savings, so that if an emergency happens you can pay or take time off to handle this.
These are the things to speak calmly about. Some men are afraid of losing themselves. They think that if they cannot continue to own all of the toys they used to purchase with no thought, they are losing their freedoms.
Let him be honest about this and then figure out some compromises. This is what you need to talking about in counseling.
We all have some idea we are not going to be like our parents or be like " typical people". And then we look around and realize we are pretty much all the same. We want our children to be safe and happy. We want them to be the best they can be and we want to live a healthy enough life to watch them grow up. And so THAT is how we make our choices.
My husband and I are now about to have our child out of college. We are beginning to make more choices about what the two of us need and want. It has been 21 years since we have had this freedom, but every minute has been worth it.
This was a lot longer than I planned, but to make a successful marriage, you both need to feel safe saying what you feel and need. And then able to make the priority decisions together.
Don't feel trapped or disappointed. Get the tummy tuck and once the money is saved for his tires he can get the tires.
Based on how you layed out the story I would say there is much needed in your marriage in the way of counseling. There is alot of his and mine in the telling of your story and very little ours. That would have me concerned.
Do what you need to do as a wise woman to make certain you have access to the money you need for your surgery. Listen to the wisdom of your MIL. She knows her son.
Beat him to the draw and get to the money. Open a separate account at a separate bank until this matter is resolved because it is a health situation for you.
Let him know he can get his tires and set a date for that to happen. Tell him you have an in at the tire store and they will be on sale XX date (sometime after your surgery).
I hope this helps. Get your tummy tuck girl.
Should we just take Jeff and Rob and clonk their heads together? Maybe it would fix some of their thought processes! Ugh!
You get what you need to get for you. Put the fear of God in him that if he wastes money on something he doesn't need, he can go live outside in the darn tires. You can be nice and give him a blanket if you want.
He is trying to keep score and that's not cool. But how is the best way to deal with it? You already know he's not responsible with money and doesn't "get it". However, he works and *should* get what he "wants"...to a point...and not at the expense of the bills, etc. So if they are $900, I would talk to him and ask him what he's willing to do to save that money. I believe he smokes too, doesn't he? I know he drinks...is he willing to cut back on that? I know that money adds up. If tires are really a priority for him, then he should be reasonable enough to work for them. But he can't jeopardize the family by putting his tires in front of paying bills either. This is a tough one for you because it sounds like he isn't willing to compromise or work with you. Just keep the tummy tuck on the calendar and talk to him some more to figure out how to *reasonably* get his tires for him. =) Good luck!!!
This is just so wrong on so many levels.
We ALL have things in life that we WANT. Healthy marriage is not a tit for tat relationship! A spouse shouldn't "leverage" your want against theirs.
That's childish.
And it's also called manipulation. Just the fact that you are re-considering your procedure is evidence that you are feeling manipulated.
Are you familiar with TA?
Distinguishing between Child, Parent, and Adult roles?
It seriously sounds as if your husband is acting as a Child, and you are acting as the Parent.
What a marriage needs to be is Adult to Adult relationship.
Are there other instances where you act as the Parent and he acts as the Child? That might be the underlying issue.
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Brief descriptions here:
Parent ("exteropsyche"): a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they interpreted their parent's actions. For example, a person may shout at someone out of frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the lesson that this seemed to be a way of relating that worked.
Adult ("neopsyche"): a state of the ego which is most like a computer processing information and making predictions absent of major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.
Child ("archaeopsyche"): a state in which people behave, feel and think similarly to how they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, and crying or pouting, as they used to when scolded as a child. Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity and intimacy.
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I agree with Jim - he is keeping score and the whole "I did this and you never do that" or "You get to do or have X so I get to do or have Y" game never works in a marriage. I would just get the tummy tuck done since it is already planned for and it is a medical necessity and tell him he needs to figure out a way to afford the tires himself. And maybe consider marriage counseling.
ETA: Since you are already in counseling, bring it up with the counselor. But it does sound like basically, your husband needs to seriously grow up already and start wearing some big boy britches.
Hi, R.:
I understand that you may feel disappointed and unsupported, etc.
I have identified that there is strife in your relationship with your husband.
Before you go under any knife, I would suggest that your issues with
your husband needs priority work.
There are several things that need to be worked on:
1) financial workshops to improve spending habits
2) mediation to help the both of you understand the
needs of the other.
3) You can always get a tummy tuck later.
Good luck.
I understand your dilemma.
D.
I started a response and then realized I basically would be hijacking your post. So I erased and am going say talk about it some more...can he do two tires instead of four?
My hijack had to do with a bonus my husband might get and him saying "I'm getting a motorcycle" with it!
Your health comes first. Tires are on the bottom on the list.
Suggest to your husband that he will have to save up for the tires and welcome to the big boy world.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Its hard enough getting prepared for surgery but to have to worry about this is just wrong.
Sorry to hear this. Disagreements about money have led to the demise of many marriages.
If you need to have this tummy tuck for medical reasons, you should do it.
You need to make it clear to him that the surgery is a NEED and the tires are a WANT.
If he's willing to let you guys go without groceries so that he can buy stuff, this is a major problem and you guys should go to marriage counseling.
Good luck!
Any way you could take over the family finances and figure out a way for him to have some kind of allowance?
I guess Jim's idea. Meanwhile, get your tummy tuck.
(Thanks for reminding me that I have to mail off the bills that have been in my purse for the past tthree days!)
I'm really sorry that you have to go through that. So even though he understands this to be a medical necessity and not just your vanity, he still likens it to new tires? I don't know what it's likes on a daily basis for you, but do you have the option of allowing him to save up for the tires? I mean, if you put him on a plan where you tell him he can't buy anything frivolous for a certain period of time and then see how much money he's got at the end of that period. Is he open to that kind of deal? I don't mean to give you a duh suggestion; I just can't imagine living with someone who could not understand how ridiculous that is, so I don't know where to start.
ETA: Read your SWH. I think that it's a good idea to attend a class together and let someone else show him the problem. If he says that he doesn't need it, tell him that YOU need it and that he has to participate because you are partners in this. You won't be lying because you ARE looking for a way to meet your individual wants and needs while still taking care of the house.
S. is unhappy about this.
{{{{{{{{{{R.}}}}}}}}}}
:( khairete
S.
