I Feel Bad Going Out and Leave My Children,am I Too Old for That?

Wow. I posted a question along these lines not too long ago. 2 times a year and you're worried?? It's always hard at the moment to leave but do not feel bad!! 2 nights is less than 1% of the year. So over 99% of nights, you're home. EVERYONE gets to go out 2 nights a year!! Some friends give me a hard time if I don't want to go out once a week or so! And marriage counselors will say that one of the most impt things for a marriage is alone time and one of the most impt things for healthy, happy kids is if their parents are happily married. Please go!! And you'll fee so young again. Not that 40 is old! Plenty of women these days haven't had their first child by 40...

good grief! 2 times per year? go for it girl! that is nothing at all you should feel guilty about!!! :0)

Updated

good grief! 2 times per year? go for it girl! that is nothing at all you should feel guilty about!!! :0)

I will always be happy to have my nights at home with my son..... but Im always happy to have a night a month or so to myself, and 2 or 3 nights a month just me and his dad. Keeps me sane! We all need adult time, nothing to feel guilty for, plus my son loves his nights with his grandparents they have tons of fun.

You really shouldn't leave them only twice a year.

You really should leave them AT LEAST once a month and go do whatever it is you want. Even if it's sit in the front yard in the grass uninterrupted to stare at the sky.

It teaches them that you are your own person. They NEED to know that.

They know you love them. They won't feel abandoned. They need to learn that THEY need to take care of themselves. They won't learn that if they don't see you taking care of yourself and being your own person.

It also teaches them that they can depend on others to help care for them and be there for them. That teaches them independence and INTER-dependence. both are key for healthy, functioning adults.

If you are too old to go out then I should be home every night in a wheelchair counting pills. I'm 57 yrs old and I roadie, load in-set up-tear down-load out, for a band. When I am done with the set up I can spend time with friends, have a date, dance my feet off...

Seriously you and hubby should have a date night at least one evening every other week, weekly if possible. It helps to keep the spark in your marriage.

To all those parents saying they don't go out without thier kids anymore or feel guilty if they do I'd like to talk to you all in a few years as to how that marriage is going.
I say it's imperative that you and your husband spend time alone together doing "adult stuff" if it's the concert great if it'something else fine too. The point is do not totally abandon your previous life or you may be dooming your marriage.
Sorry to sound harsh but I don't understand feeling guilty for leaving a 3 & 6 year old for a night. Maybe explore why you feel guilty as opposed to questioning whether or not you "deserve" to spend time with hubby doing adult only stuff you both enjoy.
I have so much fun with my guy acting like the kids we used to be it is pratically requirement in our marriage at least a few times a year. In fact, 3 am New Years Day, hotel on union square SF, after concert pizza with friends in our room, kids with family back home and not one SECOND of guilt!

D., do you REALLY think that 40 is old? You make all us older than you feel like we are ancient. Good gracious.

Having kids did not mean you have to live for them and them alone. You are supposed to have a life outside of them. What about being a wife? Do you put your motherhood ahead of your marriage? How does your husband feel about the idea that you are too old to do stuff with him that makes you both feel younger, things you enjoy doing as a couple?

I wonder if you are depressed. You are acting like it. If you were 80, I would worry about you partying with 25 year old people. Get out of this funk and start seeing yourself as a woman and a wife. Get back some of your mojo - your husband would appreciate you having a better self-image.

Motherhood is great. That's why we are on this site. But it does NOT mean let go of the rest of your life.

Dawn

I know you love your children but it is also very critical to maintain your connection with your hubby.

Date nights are very important to help you maintain your communication, enjoyment of dating, etc.

Our priority was that we would never forgo our weekly date night when daughter was born. Our relationship had to be maintained as well. Daughter is now 17 and babysitting and we still have weekly date nights.

No you are not too old to be doing something you enjoy. You rock it mom!!! Have fun

Happier mom and dad = happier children!!

Twice a year doesn't seem like a big deal to me, so long as they're with a responsible and loving person.

How is that any different from going away with your husband for a night every once in a while?

I don't think we're ever "too old" to do what gives us joy, whether that's dancing or going on a midnight cruise or taking a warm bath. If we are doing whatever lights our fire responsibly and it doesn't hurt anyone, I say go for it. Do your children seem traumatized by being left with a sitter? If not, from what you describe, you seem to be choosing responsibly. You might even be giving your kids a wonderful example, and a chance to do something different themselves. Enjoy!

(BTW, I'm 64, and really love most electronic music!)

There nothing wrong with you and yur husband enjoying each other away from kids. I think it is healthy for mom and dad to have alone and fun time together. Keeps the home fires burning!!

Sister, listen here! I am turning 35 this year, have an 8, 6, & (almost) 4 y/o....and if you are telling me that in 5 short years I will be TOO OLD to go out and have fun like that,.... I might just try to crawl through this computer screen and whoop your A**!

Loose the Mommy guilt on this one!

WHAT?????

Sorry, as someone who has had a babysitter every weeked (sometimes overnight) for the last several months...I can't even process this question.

So, I guess that's your answer!

It's actually very healthy for your kids to have these times away. I'm assuming your 6 year old is in school, but they need time away from Mommy. They need to be ok with it, and they need to know that they can have fun with other people. They also need to be comfortable with the concept that Mommy will always come back.

Try not to feel guilty and just have fun. Why shouldn't you have fun doing the things you like doing? Who cares what age it's supposed to be for and just have fun!

You need to get out more than that. My God if nothing more than to recharge your batteries! Getting a break from the regular routine of being a momma and being a woman is great. You find out just how much you enjoyed being you.

How about going out every three months for dinner and a nice date with hubby. Be a couple again. This will surely work wonders for the two of you.

Remember the saying: "Once a parent always a parent." The only thing that changes is the subject as the child matures. So go for it a little more as an adult woman. I would enjoy that and jump up and down a few good times.

I remember taking my daughter and a friend to a NKOTB concert in Germany and jumping and screaming with them. It felt wonderful to get rid of any stress I had. I slept good that night. Hubby was deployed to another location so it was just us girls.

Life's too short.

The other Suzanen

You go out 2 times a year. So long as your are safe and trust the babysitter, they will be okay. Have fun!

Girl! You need to actually have a night a month for you and hubby! You are too old for nothing--do it all. Americans need to stop reverring youth and then punishing adults who like to think young. Enjoy yourselves.

Go, have fun, and do it more often. You really should. :)

give yourself a break, twice a year is nothing to feel guilty about. Think about it this way, maybe you're kids need a break from you too. Everyone, especially parents, need time for themselves to reconnect with a spouse, have adult conversation, etc. You need more than 2 times a year! Go have fun, enjoy yourself, and think about doing it more often, kids need breaks from their parents too and it might be something they look forward to as well, since they never get it either.

There's no rule. If you realize that is something you don't fully enjoy anynmore, you don't "have to" do it. I am like you, what works for me is going to salsa class for 1,5hour every wednesday in a place very close to home and go dancing with the group (to practice sans teacher) once every few months sowhere close, again, so I don't feel "bad" about leaving my son.There's a right amount of time and distance for each of us, you may want to re-think yours so you get more comfortable and can really enjoy yourself while out having fun without your kids.

Sorry, I think mom and dad need at least one night a week to go out and have a nice dinner or a walk along the lake beach. Something to do together. I think it is extremely odd that everyone here on mamapedia isn't doing it. It is taught by church leaders across the world, it is taught by therapists, by marriage counselors, and even your neighbors and other family members. It is normal!!!

Yes.

Being a mom means you have to completely give up your own personal likes and dislikes (including musical taste) and become someone else entirely.

Wait...

As long as you're being responsible... it doesn't really matter if you're dancing, camping, or at a stamp collecting convention.

Seriously. Watch R rated (or otherwise inappropriate for age) movies after the kids are in bed. Get a babysitter when you're going somewhere that you don't want to bring your kids. Keep your life balanced. Good to go.

honey, you're not going out with the girls, getting trashed every weekend, flirting with random guys and acting like an idiot. you're going WITH your husband, and it's only 2x per year! it's TOTALLY FINE! :)

Lord woman I'm on kiddo #3 and I STILL feel bad leaving, even if they're all already in bed ;) I've posted on this a few time's, if you have time to look...

And I know I need to say this to myself: don't feel bad. Don't feel guilty. You need this for your sanity! I'm going to be 28 on Sunday and I still feel 'old'... like new years eve, I felt like I was babysitting 98% of everyone in the bar we went to!

BUT... it was also nice, in a way, like it was just my husband and I, and we could be carefree, and dance a little recklessly, laugh a little too loudly... did wonders for our mental health ;) Enjoy yourself, and don't feel bad about... years down the line, you'll be grateful you did :)

Usually when I read posts on here, I try to listen for what the writer wants to hear (support) and what they may need to hear (advice) as in sharing personal experience. I try to avoid answering posts that tempt me to write something that sounds judgmental (what they "ought" to hear). Not everyone will agree, but I just don't feel that is our role on this site.

I find myself perplexed by your post (don't laugh!). On the one hand, you seem to know perfectly well that that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Like you said it is only a few times a year and if it was alot more, and it made you really happy to dance all night and have your spirit so elevated that you are a better parent for it, why not? As you said you don't do anything else such as party or go out, and this is likely one of the only really fun things you do with your husband outside of the home am I right? (well, I'm sure jealous.)

So why do you think you are "not allowed to do that anymore?" Are you just looking to be chastized by the uber-conservative mamas on here? Do you need to be told how naughty you are? If a mom posted that she left her kids for a weekend on business, would that be considered horrid of her? I think you will find a variety of people for and against your electromania, but it would be best to figure out why you feel so guilty about it. What is so awful about pleasure, and why is this never a priority for us women who work our asses off and nurture until we drop? As for me, I wish I had something like that to do a couple times a year, month maybe.
And ps. can I get your babysitters number???

If this is how you feel about 40, what are you going to do when you turn 70 or 80? Sit in a rocker all day? No, there's nothing to feel guilty about as long as neither of you drink/do drugs and drive. It's not like your doing it every week. If you really do feel it's time to give up the concert sene, then how about bringing the concert home? You could dim the lights, play music videos or just the music, get some light sticks and dance to the music with your children. Heck, go all out and make special drinks like Shirley Temples, combine juices like pineapple and OJ...make special o'horderves for the occation. Just make it a family fun time. :) (I'm almost 50 and still act like a kid with my kid.)

LOL!!!! go out have fun with your husband till 5 in the morning 2x per year. Heck, staying up till 5, more power to you. I mean, this is like date night and you get to have husband time. Don't feel bad. Its not like your partying at the bars all the time. You deserve a break too.

Let me get this straight.....you and your husband only go out 2 times a year without the children. And the kids are home with someone you obviously trust will take good care of them. It's not like you are abandoning them on their own all night long! They probably don't even know you are gone because they are sleeping anyway! So what's the problem? You are more then just a mother! You have a right to do something you enjoy once in a while.

My suggestion is.... do it once a month! It's good for you, your husband and even the kids! And if it's something you enjoy and can still do at your "advanced" age (haha) then more power to you! Go have some fun and stop feeling guilty for doing so!

No you should not feel guilty. Yes you're too hard on yourself.
In the past my kids would cry if my husband and I were going out. And I'm talking about out to dinner and a movie, basically right before bedtime (they go to sleep around 7:30, we'd be leaving at 6:30 or 7 when they were bathed and in pjs).
I was loving but firm with them. I explained to them that mommys and daddys need to go out on dates, because it helps them be more relaxed and loving to their kids, and that it's important to have dates.
Now they like to say that.

Ditch the guilt--it is only twice a year. Going out to do something that isn't kid friendly occasionally is fine. I am about the same age and my kids are too--enjoy the rare nights of freedom! I know I do. And presumably at your age you know how to drink responsibly if you drink and not use drugs or do unsafe things like drive under the influence.

I do feel guilty every time I am away from my kids (especially the younger one, the older one is not too sensitive to mommy being away at the age of 14 now it is me worried what is he up to when I am not home) or if I am having good time without them.... I guess it is just a mother thing. As mothers we feel so obligated to serve our children, to put their interests above others.... but we have to have ME time, it is what makes us who we are. Not long ago my older one asked me: "So, what else do you do except us?" I was glad I had a long list and we had a good conversation about what I did before them and what I plan to do after them :) and what I am doing now... Your children are small, their needs are huge and very immediate that's why you feel guilty being away. Just go, the truth is - distance puts more love in their heart, they get an opportunity to learn how it is without mom if only for a short while and they get to appreciate you more even if they do not show it.

Go out and enjoy yourself. Your kids are asleep anyway.

You really are being very hard on yourself. For me (work full-time), one night out a week would be too much, but if you can swing it go for it! I go out with my girlfriends for dinner once a month because I NEED to talk to adult females outside of work. It reminds me that I was "someone" before I became "mom".

Twice a year to go out all night... wish we could do it too! As long as you are being responsible (meaning that you don't put yourselves in a situation that may mean you won't be coming home to your children), then go and have fun. If your children start to feel like they never see you, well then you need to reconsider. Otherwise, just enjoy the fact that you and your husband have fun together and will still be a happy couple long after those kiddos move out!

Go ahead!!! I am 29 and don't think I could stay out til 5am! You go!!! You need that time for yourself and for your relationship. My DH and I get out maybe once every other month and I love. You feel bad initially, but then once you are out- its great. Go have fun.

I never felt guilty about using an occasional babysitter or enjoying an adult evening. Being a mom doesn't mean that you don't ever have a social life or nights out with your husband. What difference if you don't get home til 5 a.m.? The children are sleeping. It doesn't matter if you get home an hour after bedtime or an hour before they wake up in the morning. Dont' deny yourself this occasional pleasure and dont' beat yourself up over it. Being a mother does not mean giving up everything else in life. It's good for your kids to know that you do other things to enjoy yourself away from them.